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Everything posted by Sandithetortie

  1. I was diagnosed with depression about 3 years ago. I've been on medication that seems to be working, though I'm still tired all the time. So I've been married almost four years now, been with my husband for over five years. What started my depression was my hubby was stationed in WA and I was stationed in SC. We did this for about a year and it sucked, but we got through it, yeah. My hubby deployed about 6 weeks ago and won't be back till the end of the year. I do not make friend easy, and when I do make friends I become really close to them. As of late I have made friends with Mark, and I keep having feelings for him. It's nothing more than lust, I know that much, but having these feelings is tearing me apart inside. I don't want to tell my hubby just how deep these lust feelings are, because the time we get to talk is very limited, and I do not want anything at all to get lost in translation. But my hubby does know that Mark and I hang out together, alone. Mark has a girlfriend, and he ended his engagement last year because his fiancee was cheating on him.Mark recently started dating this girl, like after we met, and he is totally smitten with her. The way his eyes light up when he talks about her is the same look my hubby gives me. It's totally adorable. His girlfriend was supposed to be a one night stand, a casual hookup to get himself back in the game after breaking it off with his finacee, but they both fell for each other.Mark and I are in the same major, and have a lot of classes together. We study well together, and just get along in general. I think that Mark and my hubby are going to get along great, they have a lot of the same tastes in hobbies, beers, and books. I tell my husband when Mark and I are hanging out (just the two of us) and what we are doing, which is typically homework, video games, or binge watching a TV show on Netflix. Mark tells his girlfriend when we are hanging out.Mark and I make it a point to bring up our significant others in our talks, and we've agreed to "not air our dirty laundry" with our respective SOs to each other and to stop the other if it gets brought up. Mark and I talk about everything else, and I mean everything. There's a lot of talk about sex in general, typically jokes about ************* and such. Though it will sometimes go into talking about our sexual pasts. I've asked his opinion on how certain things are for the guy, like in a general sense, not for him specifically. When my hubby was home after chatting with Mark at school, I would channel all of that pent up sexual energy into passion for my hubby, and it wasn't me pretending my hubby was Mark, it was how much I really loved and wanted my hubby, Mark didn't enter my mind at all. We've talked about being in a committed relationship, but still noticing other attractive people and "lusting" over them, but at the end of the day that's not really what we want. We want our respective SOs. We've had a lengthy discussion on how we both agree that !!!!!! in and of its self has been overly sexualized and that there is a way in which !!!!!! can be a form of art. Take Suicide Girls for example. Suicide Girls in a modeling group which focuses on non traditional models. And there are many tasteful full **** shots of women in a non sexual manor. But on the flip side of that, we have no intention of purposefully seeing each other naked. Lately, I've been getting really Biotchy, since I haven't had sex since my hubby left, and I'm a faithful loving wife, so I won't be having any till I see my hubby again, but, I'm still getting Biotchy. I made a comment about "how it's not like I'm single, so you cant just tell me to go get laid and stop being a Biotch" and he responded with "if you were single, I probably wouldn't be with Kate, it'd be you cuz it would be convenient" I should point out his girl lives about two hours away, and he goes to see her every chance he gets. I know that I can tell Mark pretty much anything, play video games, and not worry about how much I drink because I know he won't take advantage of me, and I've told him that. I even told him that I wished he was gay, and he said that I could call him my gay best friend, and I told him I couldn't. He asked why, I told him cuz he can't cuddle with me all night long after a really stressful week, and he was like yeah, can't do that. If he were gay, I'd have no problem and I know my hubby wouldn't have a problem. If my hubby had a female friend with this same type of relationship, I'd be ok with it. In fact, I hope he does, if he has a girl that he can talk to about anything, that time with her builds sexual tension that doesn't get released till him and I are together and in the sheets, that's fine. It's not like we're getting naked for each other, climbing all over each other, having long extended hugs, spooning, or sharing a bed. Sometimes I'll find something about him that shows me that we would not work as a couple. And the feelings subside temporarily. It's just I want these feelings I have for Mark to dissipate, without stopping all communication and hanging out. I'm tired of having these feelings. I do not want destroy my marriage, I do not want to destroy his relationship, and I want him as friend. He is a good guy, and he would feel destroyed if he did anything to hurt his girl. I know that if we had sex, that would be the end of our friendship, the end of my husband trusting me, and just bad scenario all around. I do not want that. I just want to keep my friend, and my sanity intact. I just don't know what to do and feel defeated every time I start to think about it. I feel like I can't talk to any of my friends about it. How do I cope with this?
  2. That sucks that your doc is like, well you're not falling asleep during the day, so you can't have sleep apnea. I don't fall alseep during the day, well when I was in a really boring class I would drift off, but thats everybody isnt it? But I still never woke feeling refreshed and my mental health doc wanted me to have a sleep study done before they started medication for depression. And well I have Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome. Very similar to OSA, but not as many apeanas an hour. Still the airway shuts and I stop breathing during the night. Is there a way if you see a mental health doc your could talk to him and see if he can referr you out to get one? If everyone had to wait till they were always falling asleep during the day to even be tested for OSA or CSA then there'd be a lot of people dying from sleep apnea. My dad has severe sleep apnea and still wasn't always falling alsleep before he finally went to go get tested. My unrefreshing turned out to be a combonation of UARS and depression. Now that I'm on meds and I just got my nightgaurd to help keep my airway open at night, I'm acutally starting to get refreshing sleep :) I woke up this morning at the time my alarm would've gone off, had I had to go into work today.
  3. Being teased all through elementary school. Dealing with from a few people in high school. Pushing my self too hard in school. Dealing with a past coworker that failed to understand why I a 5'3'' female couldnt do things the same way he a 6'2'' male did. If I didn't do it"his" way I was wrong. Two six month period where it's my job to sit in class 40 hours a week, and study 20 hours a week on two years worth of matieral in a six month period. Being at fault for 2 seperate car accidents in a 8 month period. Though one I still argue the Biotch was texting. Having the process for a medical seperation from the Navy started due to knee pain. Being geographically located from my spouse for 9 months. Not having heard from one brother in over 3 years. I've tried to contact him to no sucess and he has talked to my parents and baby sister. I only recently sought treatment, but I pretty sure all of this lead up to it.
  4. I know what you're saying. I was born, raised for 9 years (the good part of my childhood) in the country. We had a good bit of land and lived over an hour away from the interstate. It was quite, peacful, and the sky at night, oh my gosh. I still miss VA to this day. Sunrise, Sunset and the sky lit up with thousands of starts. OMG. But as for the tinnitus, that really sucks. I can't even imagine that :( Have they figured out what's causing it and if they can fix it? As for the whole "I want my mommy" thought, I get those sometimes too. It's like "i want my mom back to brush my hair cook me dinner and tuck me in" "I don't care that I'm 21 years old, I WANT MY MOMMY" I'd send you rain if I could. We've had soooooo much in the last month. What instrament? Or is it musical theory? I didn't want to ask about your major, since if you havent figured that out, that can be a major stressor.
  5. I had and still sometimes struggle with this, even though the amazing man, is my husband. I still have that self-doubt and the only way I know to work through this is with my husband talking with him. I make sure that he knows how I feel, and that I wish I didn't have these feelings as well as I know way deep down that there is no real reason to feel this way. Any man worth having will be willing to help you talk through this. I did have trouble learning to "stand on my own two feet" as it were. We were inseperable for almost 2 years. He was my rock and I was his. Save for a week when he went on leave to go home, and then another week where I went on leave to go home. And then he got transfered from SC to WA ST. Suddenly my entire world came crashing down and shattered. I had a few friends, but not *that* many. Finding out how to live by myself was hard. January was the first time I'd ever been completely on my own, ever. It was hard. It was a struggle. Lots of sleeping, video games and netflix, but I did it. He and I also both talked, a lot. We both told each other our worries and fears. Now, all my friends have transferred and I'm "alone" in SC. I have my coworkers but that's it. I mean I *could* hang out with them outside of work, but we don't get along that well. We work fine together, and joke and such, but as for shared interesets, we have none. And all my friends have been gone for quite a few weeks. It's hard. Not gonna lie, but you can do it! You can do this!! Talk with him about it. If he truly cares and is as helpful as you say, he will listen. Maybe even him saying how much he treasures and values you, will help you.
  6. If it was only the lat 3 weeks of college, was there anything you did diffrently prior to that made you enjoy / tolerate college? What's your favorite subject?
  7. 1. Knowing where my life is headed after I get out of the military. 2. Living with my husband again. (Stationed two completely different places) 3. Being able to have a large breed dog in my apartment 4. To wake rested 5. No more knee pain, ever 6.To have faternal twins, one boy and one girl. 7. My teeth to be not over crowded 8.My laptop to act like a laptop 9.To be able to give my kids everything they need 10. To ride every roller coaster in the entire world.
  8. Is getting a puppy an option? If you've lost your best friend, making a new best friend seems like a good place to start. It won't fill the hole that's in your heart from losing your best friend, but it will help you get through it :0 You won't be going through it alone any more. You'll have so much to do taking care of a new puppy and all. And you can take her to the dog park, and walk her and such. But I think it is a good thing that you feel pain from losing your friend. Feeling pain about loss is better than being numb, I think. Feeling pain about loss means you still care about something. To lose something, you have to have something. That might not make sesnse, but it's the only way I can think of it now. I'm not saying to replace your best friend, I'm saying make a new one to help you get through this and heal. My kitty has helped me through living in seperate parts of the country than my hubby for the last 9 months. That's not nearly the same thing, but it is still hard and a struggle every day. But she gives me something to do, she needs me, and that is a huge boost to know that something needs me.
  9. a pdoc. he dropped me back to 300 today becuase he thought it was raising my blood pressure.
  10. Is there a way you could get a puppy?? I know my dad had a hard time after his dog, Hagrid, died. Hagrid was the perfect dog (well he hated other dogs and they hated him but otherwise) he was very well behaved, sweet, smart, protective and loving. You certinaly cannot replace your best friend. That is not possible, but you can make a new best friend. I adopted my kitty back in Feberary after my husband got transfered for work and I didn't. It was just too quiet around the apartment. And then not only would that help with the lonliness it would give you something to do, since you'd have to train it. It would give you a way to socalize, if you took him to the dog park. (if you feel comfortable) And it would give you something to live for. Im not suggesting replacing your best friend, but rather making a new one :)
  11. Welp today my doc lowered my wellbutrin back to 300mg since my blood pressure was really high (150/90) after a reading of (140/95) then it was (130/90) and our talk. He seems to think that the wellbutrin caused my increase in blood pressure. While i had been drinking a triple latte that morning I tend to always drink quite a bit of caffiene since I don't feel rested and I need something to make me feel alert. and he started me on zoloft (7.5) yes 7.5 NOT 75 mg daily. So hopefully this combonation will work. I'd really like to feel rested. That's all I want right now. Well, that, and to stop sleeping my weekends away.
  12. if you're dopamine and seritonin levels are too low and you committ suicide because of the feelings that you have, then yes. low dopamine and seitonin levels DID **** you. And not always. Wether I work out daily, 3 times a week or not at all, i feel the same. Exersise doesn't always raise your levels. it might for you though, everybody is different. So why not try that? its not medication, mediation or theropy.
  13. so should a diabetic not get the insulin they need?? If your body cannot make / cannot make enough dopeamine and seratonin, then the medication helps your body bring those levels back up. Quite similar to a diabetic who has to inject themselves with insulin because their body can no longer make it.
  14. Sadly I take it at 6 when I wake up. And some fridays I take it when I get up and then I cant fall asleep till 2 or 3 in the morning. With out having work the next day I have no desire or motivation to sleep. And then there's the fridays I come home from work fall alseep and wake up 6 hours later, eat and apple or something and then go back to sleep till 9 the next morning. i really treasure those RARE times I feel rested. But those are few and far between. When I first started it I felt really good. not great but not fine. I was good. And I fell back into "surviving" as my daily mood. So my doc was like well let's up your dose and see if that works. Im hoping that my doc and I find the drug that works best for me.
  15. I have a cat with a tortishell coat and her name is Sandi :) If that's how you feel then I'm outta ideas. though it seems that you're just wishing that the problem will suddenly go away.
  16. someone has to say hi first though. be it you or them. one of you is saying hi first.
  17. It's 5pm on a friday night here and I'm at home with my cat. knowing I should eat some dinner but have no appetite for it. And I didn't feel that attractive till I saw the way my hubby looked at me the first time. And hell if you think you're ugly, and you feel ugly that's how others will see you. If you focus on one attractive feature say your eyes, and you think man i have really pretty eyes. then youll feel better about yourself and itll change how others see you. and I have neurofibromitois. meaning non cancerous tumors grown on the inside and outside of my body ALL OVER. each one has a 1% of becoming cancer. and most docs veiw their removal as cosmectic even though I have several in my knee that are causing me pain. He keeps telling me oh you just weak thighs. When 8 months of quad strengthing pt made my knee pain worse. so there :P
  18. wow. that sounds awful. i think you should try and forget about it, till it happens. i know that is going to be near impossible. When my hubby and I knew he was due to get transfered soon. (we didnt know where) we did everything we could to not talk about it or think about it till the time actually came. And it sucked just as much as it would have if I had worried and stressed over it long before it happend but those few weeks were very calming and fun :) It is also easier to forget the bad things when you have someone to help you through it and if you have friends you can go do things with that'll help or talk to people on here and try to help them. all thinking about is going to do is start to bring you back down and then if it happens youll go even further, but if you find things to distract you, you might be better prepared to deal the stress and triggers that might come. And maybe your brother will completely shock you and be way better behaved than he ever was. It seems doubtful but there's a tiny chance. even it's .01% that's still a chance. Heck that's 1 baby for every properly used 10000 condoms. You can't tell that baby (or his parents) that .01% is no chance. I say try to forget about it till it's happening, if itll even happen.
  19. ask for a male doc then. it may suck but if you want to feel alive all the time medication will help. if being drunk and stoned make you feel "alive" then meds are DEFFFF gonna help. My doc told me that when people who suffer from depression and it's due to low dopamine levels then they tend to drink, a lot. Smoke a lot. and Do hard drugs because they temporarly lift your dopamine levels. And the hard drugs can destroy your abilty to make dopamine. and the floating makes sense, i've had a few of those days. the rest i've spent sleeping. like 40 hours of sleep on the weekends and still didnt feel refreshed. And it was like i'd fall alseep and wake 15 hours later and do things then fall alseep and wake up 5 hours later.
  20. That really sucks dude. I'm sorry. Why can't they move in with her parents?
  21. it is sexual harassment. if someone can complain about a single off color joke to HR instead of the person that made the joke first , then this sexual harassment. unwanted attention that is repeated is sexual harassment.
  22. please talk to somebody that can help. if you have a plan you really should call. they will help you. those support groups are full of people who have the exact same thoughts you do. they can help you through it. And you're not doing yourself any favors by not seeing a doctor. wouldn't it be worth it to see him, if medication would help? The stigma around depression and such kept me from mentioning to my doc my unrefreshed sleep for 10 years. But now, I'm feeling a little bit better. i know it's going to take time. hell maybe you'll get lucky and the first drug and dose they put you on, might make leaps and bounds to improve how you're feeling in a few days. please talk to someone.
  23. Your parents care about you. They know you'll succeed or they wouldn't pay for your schooling, unless they have more money than they know what to do with, but then you probably wouldnt feel guilty if that was the case. What might be helpful is when you're at the library or walking between classes use your ipod/cell phone to shut out the world and only listen to your music, that way to take away the hearing people laugh and think they're laughing at you, and forme at least, I'm more calm and relaxed with my favorite tunes. Though with ADD that might not work. I always get told "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself" granted that is a bible verse (which may turn you off if you don't believe in God), but it is good advice. very hard to follow. but still good. I'd for sure work on the courage to talk to the counselor and know that it is ok to cry and if you're talking to the counselor, they see that all day long and are trained to help you through it. Talking is the start to solving any problem.
  24. He's 3 years older. I want to tell my parents they better not complain if problems start if they let him back here. I'm sure that someone on here could come up with a better very mature way to say that. Take comfort in the fact that he is a boomarang child and once you've lived on your own its very awkward to live with your parents again. He hopefully will hate it and move right back out. If your dad isn't too stoked about it, he may enforce rules on your brother that he doesnt like and that may cause him to move out as well. I cannot imagine moving back in with my parents or either set of inlaws. (hubbys parents both got divorced and remarried) There's just sooo much more freedom living on your own/with a SO/with roommates.
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