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  1. After a miserable four year relationship and a quick rebound, I've been single for nearly 2 years now. I have had success over this period of time dealing with my depression, and I really don't think it would have been possible if I had jumped into another relationship. At this point, I'm finding people are well attracted to my sunnier, more outgoing nature and think that piece of the puzzle will fall into place soon, but still I don't feel rushed. Take some time for yourself. Take a long time. Find what works for you in living with depression and go from there. To answer your original question, I have had a hell of a time in the past dating while depressed. I found it helpful to let those I date that I'm the sort of person that needs a lot of alone time. In those relationships, I was able to recharge my batteries to some extent and come back to being with the other person another day. It's pretty dicey though, and often involved resentment from the girlfriends and guilt within myself.
  2. It's been more than half a year, and I'm still taking tryptophan and tyrosine. The dosage has not changed, but now I take the tyrosine and first dose of tryptophan together in the morning, and the other dose of tryptophan before sleep. Basically, I still feel sadness and have various issues in life related to the causes of my depression, but I don't often feel weighed down by depression any longer. More than anything else, I'd say this has effectively cured most of my symptoms of depression, in conjunction with mindfulness meditation (zazen), which has received a boost recently as I visit a Zen temple every Sunday and it keeps my practice more regular. I do not experience side effects related to taking the amino acids, except I am a bit more tan than before. I had a suspicion it could be linked to one of the amino acids, and indeed tyrosine is a precursor for melanin, so I can only assume that is why I am more tan. Not a bad side effect at all. I feel like depression was blocking me from so many things, and this treatment has removed much of that block. I'm able to fully enjoy myself and time with other people, and I actually get excited about doing things and seeing people, and heaven forfend, even going to work sometimes. I rarely if ever got excited before, even for events I was really interested in attending. I still feel fear but am able to deal with it more effectively rather than dumping it into an ever-deepening well of depression. Anyway, as always I will be happy to answer any questions you may have. I am so thankful this solution was brought to my attention by the posts on this board. Best of luck to all of you in your journey. There's hope as long as our hearts are beating. Lots of love, Bryan
  3. I found some conversation partners on a language exchange website, for both Japanese and Spanish. I spent an hour talking to a woman from Quito, Ecuador and nearly broke my brain speaking that much Spanish. Quite an effort. :) I also made a call about a job. It didn't produce anything, but it's more effort than I've been putting into the job search in a typical week.
  4. True love is never guaranteed even with all the time in the world, but it sounds like with this relationship you have a guarantee of no love at all, and a life of endless emotional abuse and possibly cheating from your future wife. You could scarcely do worse. If I were you, I would take her up on that open door and walk out of it, and if you end up with someone who doesn't love you in the future, maybe it will be someone who at least respects you and treats you well. And maybe you will find someone with whom love will grow. Best of luck to you. Your situation sounds very difficult and I feel for you.
  5. This may seem like an odd choice, but it makes me smile and it reminds me of how I feel when I wake up, as the morning is when I have the most anxiety. It reminds me that however I feel when I get up I can try to put the pieces back together. It's from his book on writing. "Every morning I jump out of bed and step on a landmine. The landmine is me. After the explosion, I spend the rest of the day putting the pieces together." -- Ray Bradbury I like the quotes you've posted cbutterflies and Ratboy. Thanks.
  6. Oli is so right. I really hope you feel better soon! Fun fact: when The Simpsons came on TV, I was the same age as Bart. I'm now 34. P.S. Your tail is on fire!! ^o^
  7. Hi cbutterflies, I don't know if this is true for you, but one thing I've come to realize is that I am sensitive and feel more pain than most people seem to. I think my depression in part comes from avoiding this pain, so for me I've been trying to be open to my pain with an understanding that though it hurts, I'm not actually in any danger. This has helped ease my depression, but hasn't really eased the amount of pain I feel. But it's helped me change my relationship to it, and I try to feel compassion toward myself, so though sometimes it's a bit overwhelming, I can usually cope with it. It feels like an old friend even at times, and like there's a hurt kid inside me that needs some taking care of. Changing your relationship to the pain and depression you feel can tip the scale and make life worth living. That may not be the answer for you, but one may be out there. There's a chance it won't get better, but if you keep looking there's a much better chance you will find a treatment and/or gain some skills that make your life a lot more pleasant to live. And since your going to be in this life for a while, isn't it worth continuing to try? I understand how you're feeling and I really feel for you. There are a lot of people here that know what you're going through, and are willing to help in any way possible. We can work together to figure this disease out. I've been dealing with it as far back as my memory goes, and I can honestly say since about 18 or 19 my life has slowly been getting better. I'm 34 now and my life and mind are far from perfect, but I'm able to do things and stay open to things in my life that would have been impossible when I was younger. Before I found something truly helpful in my late teens I felt utterly hopeless, and have felt utterly hopeless plenty of times along the way to today, but it has been worth it though I continue to struggle at times and I'm far from cured of depression. You said you lost your closest friend and confidant recently. Could you find someone here to share with to lighten your burden? Sorry to ramble on forever. Take care. =)
  8. It's very caring and selfless of you to consider others when you are in so much pain. That really speaks to the sort of character you have. Nicely done. :) You've realized doing something drastic is not possible for you due to the effect it would have on those you love, and you feel stuck and hopeless about the possibility of living a better life with depression, if I've understood your post correctly. As hopeless as things may seem, you never know which thing you try may help you. Keep an open mind and don't get stuck believing you'll never improve. I've been dealing with depression my whole life, and have found myself feeling the way you are now more than once, but after all this time of searching and trying I've found a promising combination of things that's helping me out. I known it sucks terribly, but hang in there and do the best you can to move toward a workable life with depression.
  9. I'm sorry to hear that, Dan. I can relate to those days. Take care of yourself at home today.
  10. I'll keep updating this in the hope that it's useful to someone. The thread has 60 views so hopefully it's at least a topic of interest. My positive results continue with tyrosine and tryptophan, but feeling better with these supplements has led me to become a bit complacent about doing other things that help me, especially exercise and mindfulness meditation. I notice that this is causing a buildup of emotion in me as I haven't been addressing this underlying concern. I plan to get back to exercise and meditation after this post, so hopefully soon I will be able to update about how all of these components of my self-treatment are working together. I'm feeling the sadness emerging without much heaviness of depression, which is an interesting distinction I didn't realize was possible. I went to a Pearl Jam concert last night with a few friends and felt alert, awake, and not very depressed at all. I did feel a bit removed and distant, which I put down to my lack of experiencing and addressing my emotions sufficiently over the past couple of weeks. The reduction in overeating I've been experiencing since I began taking tyrosine continues to develop. A voice still pops up in my head recommending a late night snack, but the voice that says "I don't want that" is louder now. I showed amazing restraint that came (unnaturally) naturally to me at the restaurant before the concert, and this new level of control I'm experiencing is giving me a huge boost in confidence and self-esteem. This is an unhoped for benefit of taking these supplements and it's hard to describe what it means to me, since I've been struggling with overeating since my parents divorced when I was 7 years old. Finally, my bedtime is creeping earlier and earlier, which again I believe is attributable to taking tryptophan, a precursor for melatonin.
  11. I've gone back and forth on this issue in my own mind. For a long time I thought just maybe these infamous chemical imbalances would be righted if the proper work was done in therapy and possibly spirituality. I've gone through periods of working hard in both and had positive results, leading me to believe if I continued on that track resolutely I would come out of some tunnel in the end. I've started to realize more and more that doing work for alleviating depression and anxiety is important when one has the strength to do it, but it's not the whole answer, at least for me. This belief was crystalized when I went on amino acid therapy recently and my depression lifted incredibly and I gained 2 or 3 times the motivation I had previously. So, I don't believe it's a matter of "will". I believe medication is for those seeking to alleviate the symptoms of these diseases to live more pleasant lives. Your mom's position sounds like the usual, scientifically uninformed, popular position on anxiety and depression. I don't think the problem is that you are not trying hard enough. And positive thinking... I will not get started on that to save myself and everyone here. ;-)
  12. I can relate to 1, 2, 3 of your mopes, grunts, et cetera. I don't spend as much time here as I do checking FB, but that definitely needs to go for me, too. I have a million other, more interesting things to do. Why is it so compelling? As for loneliness and craving physical contact, whoa brother, I'm right there with you. Definitely a stronger craving than for sexual contact for me, as well. I'm in a workplace where physical contact among employees is fairly normal and acceptable, and occasionally I give (wanted/solicited) shoulder massages to my weary coworkers. This causes me to get lightheaded and nearly swoon sometimes. Takes some concentration to keep it cool. Alas, that doesn't cut it. There needs to be a website for finding cuddle buddies exclusively with no danger of hooking up/hookup search weirdness. Or maybe one day I will enter a relationship again...but yeah uhh...probably no time soon. Every time I start to think I might be up to try a relationship again, I hear yet another terrible relationship story that makes me think, "Ahh, how could I ever leave this single life?" And then there's the whole finding a willing significant other thing. Anyway, hope you don't mind me moping and grunting (&c.) in your thread. Cheers! PS No hate for the foot love, do your thing.
  13. Yes, vent away and this I will listen to it, also. From your description it sounds rough. I'm sorry you're going through that right now.
  14. You must believe you are worthy of your own compassion. Imagine the dearest person to you in your life is suffering because she made a mistake and could not forgive herself. What would you say to her? How much would your heart ache for her to feel better? Turn that feeling to yourself. Look at yourself with compassion as you would a helpless child or pet. It seems awkward and strange, but it can help. You really must know that you are a human being as deserving of caring as any other. Maybe moreso because you actually care about how your actions affect people, unlike those whose paths are littered with the pain and suffering of others that could not care less.
  15. You no doubt have a great deal of pain in your daily life as a result of your anxiety and depression. It seems they may tie in to your anxiety, but your holding on to standards for yourself that you don't believe you are able to live up to would appear to be causing you a great deal more pain, and may be contributing to the stuck quality you describe. Who you are is not the sum of your beliefs and standards. Who you are persists and thrives when you let go of these things a little bit and allow some fresh air into your mind. Perhaps life will surprise you if you focus on getting the most out of where you are now, and on moving your foot each next step forward. Maybe it won't, but your life will be more enjoyable.
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