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Everything posted by Chrom

  1. Adam, this is exactly what I was wondering. I'm very anxious to get to my doctor and get an official diagnosis and start treatment for ADD, provided that is what I have. Thanks for sharing your experience.
  2. My therapist thinks this is a possibility. I will be looking into things more. The more I read the more I understood myself and growing up. I always assumed that there was a restlessness. I have a friend who is ADHD and I see it. I never had those visible traits that one stereotypically assigns to the disorder. Both my wife and I continued to read and the more we learned the more we saw this in me. If I do have ADD, it explains everything. I'll be seeing my GP in a couple of weeks and probably as psychiatrist who deals with this to get an official diagnosis and help adjust my medications. Thanks again. This was an eye opener.
  3. Wow. This fits me pretty well also. I checked out more online and sent it to my wife. She said it was like reading a description of me on the internet. I'll be seeing the doctor for her input. thanks for the info.
  4. Thanks! I appreciate that, Ratboy.
  5. Thanks! I haven't sung yet, but I'm feeling more motivated to get back to it. In the last two days, this has occupied my brain. In a good way. I think if I can get back what I liked about singing, I can take the next step. I really want to get back to doing the things that made me happy because it isn't just for me anymore. My boys are awesome!
  6. I haven't been on here for a while. I have found communicating in most senses a chore. This has boiled over into my family to the point of my sister and mom commenting to my wife about my lack of contact. It's become something I have to get through. I hate that, but that's where I am right now. I was on here last week and posted about all this, but there was a problem and it didn't save and it was too much to start over. So, I didn't. This post isn't really about that, though. Something happened yesterday that had such a powerful impact on me that I needed to share it. As some of you may know, I was a singer. I attempted to try to jump start my career in opera by spending three months and $25,000 in Germany. I ended up having debilitating anxiety attacks that made it impossible to sing. My wife and I came back to the States feeling like failures. I think I had depression before, but this tipped the scales well into depression's dark void. I stopped singing. I stopped doing all kinds of music. I used to play the piano for fun. I don't anymore. It's been over a year now. I have two boys, 3yrs and 5yrs old. They have spent the majority of their lives listening to us sing and play music. The oldest music subjected to him since he was in mommy's tummy. The first kick was to my wife singing an aria. The second was from me singing an aria. He came to all our lessons. He has been enamored with music ever since. When he plays with his toys, he adds a soundtrack. Sometimes he makes it up and others he sings what he has heard in his video games or cartoons. He loves Mario. So, we here a lot of that. Our youngest has started to sing tunes as he plays also. One time they sang their own opera. They take turns singing about what Superman or Batman was going to do. It was great. Since we have been back, they have heard little to nothing from us in this once important area of our lives. Yesterday, my wife decided to pick up the guitar and learn to play. She sat down. Tuned the guitar and learned to play some scales off of Youtube. My boys listened. After she was done, they both came and gave her a big hug. She was surprised and she asked why they did that. They told her that they liked hearing the music and that they missed not hearing it anymore. Our oldest told her he wanted it back the way it was before. I never realized how much they were affected by the difficult time I was having, am having. I knew that they didn't like it when I yelled or if I was sad, but I never even thought that they would miss our singing or piano playing. I think that a part of them knows that there was more happiness in our household when the music was happening. And they were right. We were happier then. How can I deny my boys that? I believe that no matter how alone we feel, how much we hate ourselves, there is someone, somewhere that misses the songs we used to sing. No matter how we feel, we matter. We matter. Always. Chrom
  7. I am the same way. I have been wearing my mask for such a long time that it is pretty second nature. It's not something I have to consciously decide to do. I just started therapy and am concerned that this will be an issue. I am trying to be forthcoming, but what I'm constantly thinking is that I am not in as a bad place as I am. My family sure knows, but he doesn't get to see that. I was teased a lot at school. I hated most of growing up. At that point I wore the mask all the time. This included being at home. One day, my mom comes to me and says how upbeat I must be at school as I don't complain about anyone. I feel as if I want people to know there is a problem without me telling them and in the same respect I don't want anyone to know. Too much conflict going on in my brain.
  8. Do It Anyway - Ben Folds Five Gang of Rhythm - Walk Off the Earth Recently, these two have been speaking to me a lot.
  9. Thanks, Ratboy. I appreciate the words. I agree with everything you said. I will try to remember the good things I've got and things yet to come. Writing the post was very therapeutic. I ended up calling the therapist again and we finally set up an appointment. One foot in front of the other. Thanks again.
  10. I haven't been around much the last couple of weeks and things have gotten bad, with a slow climb up. It started with a meeting that was to inform me that if I didn't improve at work, I would be fired. I've never been fired before and that hurt. In fairness to them, I'm probably not the best person for this job. If I'm not doing what interests me, I'm going to just do enough to get by. The depression was getting bad while I was on my meds and my performance started to suffer. To add to this, I have been keeping myself awake watching shows on my phone and when I don't do that I have insomnia. When I do sleep I tend to wake up several times during the night with a feeling of urgency. I can't explain it better than that. In order to stay asleep, I have resorted to sleeping pills. The only problem is that on a typical night, I'm not giving myself enough time to sleep and I wake up groggy and staying that way for several hours. I stopped being hungry. I would miss breakfast and lunch and then force myself to eat at least something at dinner. My wife urged me to go to my doctor before my scheduled appointment to say that the meds aren't working. I did that and she has given me an additional medication to go along side the one I'm already taking. My doctor wants me to see a therapist and I think I should, but I can't get up the nerve to make an appointment. My wife and I share the same doctor and after an appointment for her, our doctor asked if my wife thought it necessary to have me hospitalized. She said it hasn't gotten to that point. I hope it doesn't. I don't know why, but it was an oddly comforting thing to know. This week things have improved a bit. I've been on the new medication for a few days. So, it's to early to tell if it's going to work. My job has been a little better. I've been a little more proactive. (Of course, I'm writing this at work.) It seems that they are a bit happier with me. I can't say for sure, though. I constantly feel as if I'm waiting for the next shoe to drop. I don't like feeling like that. I want to go see this therapist, but I have got to work up the courage. I know I will. I hope, however, that I will be forthcoming with them. I have a tendency to underplay what I'm going through. I inherited that from my parents. I'm also having a rough time right now as it has been a year since I came back to the US from my failed audition tour. I have vivid memories of the anxiety attacks and the embarrassment I would feel when I cracked. I remember why I stopped singing. I want to start again, but I'm afraid. It used to be a huge part of my life and now I don't know what to do. with myself. I know that it's the illness and not me that is causing these feelings. I want to feel better. I want to move on from this, but the majority of my days are spent getting pushed down into the mud, metaphorically speaking. I have two awesome boys and wonderful wife. I want to show them that life can be amazing. I just need to have someone show it to me.
  11. Distractions are the best for me when I am like in that zone. Find a project to occupy your mind. You're an artist. How about make something for your gf. Always remember that the negative thoughts you are having aren't necessarily your true feelings, but rather the depression skewing them. I hope things get easier soon.
  12. Thanks for the input. I'm going to try these things out and see if they help. (It might lessen the amount of ignored post-its I have on my desk right now.)
  13. @JMG - I've always been terrible at taking notes. Part of my problem is remembering to take a notebook. If I can associate it with something I might be able to do that. However, here's my problem with this. The event that triggered this posting had all the relevant info in my work email. I had it all written down and I didn't remember to check. Part of the reason was that she told specifically what to do and I felt I didn't need to go back. It's as if I can't trust myself. @Elicia - That same scenario happens with me and my wife except in the morning. She will ask me to make her tea or coffee EVERY SINGLE DAY and there are still many days I forget immediately after being told.
  14. I have always had memory problems. My parents used to call it selective memory as I would only recall things that pertained to me. I would remember my lines in my show, aspects of video games, funny lines from movies, and other related things. However, I would constantly forget to tell my parents when someone called for them. I know memory can get worse as you get older, but I'm only 38. It seems that since last year it has gotten really bad. I forget to do things at work all the time. I have co-worker who has been so frustrated with me for not turning on the dishwasher at night. I have finally gotten better at remembering to do that, but there's always something I miss. Last night I was given a task to do and I did the main parts of it, but neglected one aspect that she needed for today. In the end, it was an easy fix for her. I offered to deal with it, but she chose to do it herself. Probably because she will know it gets done. I don't blame her for that. She can't count on me. Once I realized that I had missed that part of the task, I sat in my desk and called myself stupid, a moron, an *****, and so on in my head. "Why can't I remember to do what's asked of me?!" It's not rocket science I do here at my desk. Now, I hate my job. For the most part, the people here are good people. So, they aren't the reason. It's just that nothing I do is interesting and the duties required of me are not really in my skill set. This may be part of the problem, but I can't fix this right now. I don't know if I ever will be able to. I just wish my brain worked the way it's supposed to.
  15. You know, Damnlag, you could get a cheap keyboard and take lessons. the main thing is learning the fingering. What helped me was finding a easy piano book of a band I liked. For me, it was Journey also some easy musical theater. Point is, learning an instrument with songs you like makes the process more enjoyable. Those things wouldn't be too expensive. Also, lesson aren't too expensive as you can find a fair amount of teachers in most towns. Once a week would be ideal, but once every other or once a month would still get you closer to playing. @ Icarus21 - Guitar Hero III is where I learned of Dragonforce. I bought the album Through the Fire and Flames is on. Love it.
  16. Music helps me focus. I get much more done when it's playing. However, I can't listen to musical theater or opera anymore. Hopefully, that will change. I'm on a Ben Folds kick right now. When I need to crank it up to 11, I go fro Dragonforce. I'll also take Journey, Jackson Browne, Boston, Rush, and others in those veins.
  17. I can also relate to what you are going through. I was an actor in New York, but the majority of my work was all over the US from 3 to 9 weeks. The very first gig I got was for 9 weeks in Ohio. I knew no one. I was scared that I wasn't cut out to do this professionally and they would see that. After a few days all that went away and I embraced what I was doing and it was a blast. However, I was single then. The next year I went back with a whole different group of people and a girlfriend who would later be my wife. That was hard, but the trick is communication. Try to find a way to talk, chat, text, or email once a day and it might bring your family and boyfriend into your world. Also, remember why you are there. It's for the work. Look at it this way. You get to work on an amazing project for six weeks with no distractions that family can provide. On your down time, explore your environment and take pictures and share them with the people you wish were there. Soon you will feel as if six weeks isn't enough time. Enjoy it. You are very lucky! To add: Remember, they picked YOU! They know your work. They like your work. Do what you do, that's all that can be asked of you.
  18. Who cares how long the journey is? All that matters is if you get where you want to go.
  19. I haven't told anyone, but my wife. More accurately, she made me be honest with my doctor. I have a tendency to underplay my problems to other people and she wanted to make sure I didn't do that with my doctor. My parents and sister may suspect something, but no one has said anything. We don't live in the same state. My work quality is not the best or timeliest. I think I frustrate a couple of my coworkers as a result. That being said, though, I don't think they would be understanding anyways.
  20. I can relate to how you feel. I was a music theater actor and later an aspiring opera singer. I moved to New York to pursue my dream and the first five years I had a fair amount of success. I never got to Broadway, but I had been told by people in the biz that it was only a matter of time. I got an agent. I did some work that I was very proud of. Then things started to dry up. I had some medical issues that made singing difficult and as a result my career got hurt and my depression magnified. I then went into opera. I made a dramatic vocal change and felt pretty good about myself as a singer. (I had gotten my medical issues addressed.) After 5 years, my family spent three months in Germany trying to make a go of an opera career. That is where I had my first anxiety attack. The trip wasn't successful. I came back and got my same desk job and I haven't sung in a year. This isn't exactly an inspiring story, but if you look at it from another angle (which I find very difficult at times.) you can see something amazing. I did something that most people wouldn't have dared. Twice. I moved across country. I am originally from California. I saw many places in the U.S. I probably never would have visited. I did some amazing work with fantastic people. I then went to Europe and got to sing in old opera houses. Do I wish I had more success? Of course, but that doesn't take away from what I did accomplish. In this day and age, success is viewed by how big your paycheck is. But if you can take a look at what you've done in a new light, you will see amazing things that do mark your life as successful. Of course, money is a necessity and there is nothing wrong with striving to get more. However, it never defines your true successes. You are only 30 and look what you've done already. Just imagine what you will have done by the time you are 60.
  21. Pleasure and evolution do not go hand in hand.
  22. I was teased a lot as a kid. (Overweight, acne, glasses) Junior High was three years of being bullied by everyone including my "friends." My body image issues only got worse as I got older. I have never been able to let the abuse I suffered go, even to this day. More recently: I had bad acid reflux which messed with my voice. As it got worse, singing became difficult at times. I became very depressed about this. I dealt with the physical issue and the reflux is basically gone, but I started to have anxiety while singing and couldn't keep it together. Eventually, I stopped auditioning and this sent my depression even deeper. Last year, I thought I had things mostly under control. My wife and I went to audition for opera in Germany. While I was there I started to get full blown anxiety attacks. I never had them before and it freaked me out. I came back with no jobs and returned to my day job as a receptionist. So, I have no direction for my future. I hate my job. (mostly, good people and I'm lucky to have it, but hate it none the less.)
  23. Matt, all this is your opinion. Based on what you said, being superior is pointless. It's a title and nothing more. I have a difficult time calling pleasure meaningful or profound. Joy, on the other hand, can be. My sons being born is the most profoundly joyful experience I will ever have. Pleasure just is. It has nothing to do with emotional well being. You can have emotional well being and not feel pleasure at every given moment as pleasure comes and goes.
  24. Let's see: 1. I would love to do music theater professionally again 2. Money 3. More fun time with my boys 4. More date nights with my wife 5. More daddy only video game time 6. Get fit (I used to do karate as a kid and I want to go back so bad.) 7. Travel more. 8. No more insomnia (a recent acquisition.) 9. See Ben Folds live 10. Laser eye surgery
  25. I like pleasure. Everyone does. I would like pleasure right now. To some degree, we all seek it all the time. No one says "Well, it's Thursday. Time to suffer." Pain and suffering just happen. It's a part of life. All life. In these events, as difficult as they may be, we can find strength and power we never knew we had. I'm still not sure what you mean, Matt, by "superior" vs. "inferior." Based on what you are saying they seem to be pointless descriptors to determine who has more or less of one specific thing. In that case, who cares? I'll take my inferiority and go about my merry way. A human life is more than the search for pleasure. It is pleasure, pain, sadness, glee, messed up, humorous, difficult, satisfying, and ****ing crappy. (Pardon my language.) What I admire...what I find true value in is courage to live through those moments. I have seen courage in so many people on this forum to open up to complete strangers. We think the anonymity is why we are ok with sharing, but the first step to do so is an amazingly courageous effort down the path of recovery. These are the people who give me strength and courage to do the same and that is the most valuable commodity they could ever give me.
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