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reedjos08

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  1. Hi, my name is Joseph and I’m pretty sure I’m suffering from depression. I live in Reading England and go to Reading College, where I study Film and Television Production. Previously I went to Blessed Hugh Farringdon where I failed History and finished one unit of Travel and Tourism. Two weeks ago I went to my tutor asking for help, as I had not finished the previous year’s work and was struggling to bring forward the courage to work on it. This has been the case for weeks since the College year ended. I never thought of myself as a person who suffered from depression, I just got on with work and life to the best of my ability with little worry. However, recently these issues have made me suspect that depression was a possibility. I did an online quiz (from a site called Psych Central) that asked questions and determined what severity of depression you suffer. Fully aware it may not be accurate, I got the result that I suffer from moderate-severe depression. This is mostly due to my inability to work, the fact I see myself as a failure and have found it hard to be truly happy. The past two years I’ve went in and out of a state of shouting a crying while refusing help, the one time I asked for help I chickened out claiming I didn’t need it anymore. I don’t know if its pride or shame that dictates this. Next week we go back to College, then I’m given three weeks to shoot two videos, edit five and write three theory assignments. I see this as impossible. I wake up in the morning, think to myself I need to work, then go on the Xbox or Netflix. I know the work needs to be done but I only think about it, never acting. Recently all my friends received their A Level results and are heading off to University away from Reading. I’ve seen them many times in the run up to this and can’t help feel left out and blue. They leave me alone, which is not their fault, while I am stuck here failing and walking in place. I envy them allot, I wonder how they cope with this and believe they are in some way superior to me. I almost hate them for that. I wonder if I’ll ever make it to Uni? I’ve left Blessed Hugh after a wasted year and I barely survived a year at Reading College, not even finishing and the work and doing nothing in class. I’ve talked to my tutor four times about my issues but every time he just gives me words of wisdom and sends me on my way. This worked three times though did nothing the fourth. I feel powerless to do anything, but know that its my fault I’m in this position. I’ve had a history of anger management but recently I’ve been more combative than ever. Never physical, but I raise my voice every time someone mentions work, often cursing family members out behind their backs about the littlest of things. They don’t deserve this, they have their own issues. They only care about me, want to know how I’m doing and if I’m working. My usually response to the question “have you been working?” is usually “a little”. That line will eventually ware out. I used that line before to hide my inaction; it seems once again history repeats itself. I don’t know what else to write. I think I’ve covered most of my issues. I just don’t know how to solve them, or if they’re worth solving. If I get this work done, will it matter? It will just get harder and this will just happen again. Then I’m continuing a course that isn’t for me with no idea what to do next. I’m lost and have no clue what to do. I need help I think, though I can’t see myself asking for it.
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