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Waning Sunshine

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About Waning Sunshine

  • Birthday 03/05/1993

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  1. Turns out my blood is fine the 2nd time so I guess I am just a depressed **** or something.
  2. Going in tomorrow to discuss 2nd bloodwork so will see how that goes. If it does show up again I'll probably be put on synthroid or something like that. If it doesn't then maybe nothing will be done and then I probably won't be sure what my deal is. Will see.
  3. Nope nothing seems to be helping as of late. I'll workout and be p***** off and play video games p***** off and i'm on 2 medications, an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer. I've also covered the window so that my room is dark, so not alone there. A problem for me lately is I've been getting bloodwork and it came up with like hypothyroidism but I have to get another bloodwork done to confirm. Though otherwise it's possible that is the reason for anger too for me.
  4. I've moved to a town in the rural area from the suburbs and I hate all of these stupid rednecks. I hated the suburban stick in ass people too. Manicured lawns and anal attitudes but the rednecks are so stupid and worse even. I just ran 3 miles and I was just p***** off the entire time and I am p***** off now still even. My punching bag sits out in a shed and I can't really use it because there is no room available for it. I just can't get it under control at all.
  5. I've tried all sorts of meds over the years but I don't know. Anti-psychotics and anti-depressants, mood stabilizers. A decent sized list of different drugs but it just seems all for naught. I see my therapist and it's incredibly difficult to open up but recently I was able to say that I was agitated feeling. Though I guess I can't explain what agitates me. Everyone does. Sometimes I get to where I don't care and I will just lay on the floor in the waiting room and then the therapist and psychiatrists ask me if I do that in the street and perhaps I should but I don't. I just don't care and felt like laying on the ground. People think of me as a joke for their games and to poke at me and it's just infuriating. I feel like I suffocate at times and can't think because it's just so rage-inducing. I always hold my anger in and sometimes it leaks out but overall I appear calm. I hate them.
  6. No was before the meds. I recently switched to these new meds since I was agitated on the medications before even. People are purposely trying to make me angry I think. With their insults and bulls***. A lot of people just seem so full of .
  7. I feel like my anger with people grows everyday. I feel a growing hatred for others. Feels incredibly infuriating and it's like there is nothing I can do to stop that. I want them all dead. I'd prefer if most people dropped dead. People who are happy aren't happy but trying to annoy me with their stupidity while people who are sad are trying to gain attention is how it feels to me. People who are neutral feel arrogant to me. It's becoming hard to control my anger inside and just feels like it boils over at times. I take 2 meds and yet it's like they don't do anything. Constantly prescribed the most useless placebos on the market. Incredibly agitated. At times I feel very low and that my life has no purpose. Also lately I feel like I am having difficulty pushing myself to do things. It's so hard to do anything I just want to sit here and not do anything.
  8. I feel my vividness in the arts does become a bit better but also becomes more dark. I feel I write the best when I am depressed.
  9. I'm sorry for not being able to respond as much as I'd like. I find when I think of ******* myself that my anxiety flows away. Cause then it's like nothing I do matters. I'll be dead.
  10. Nothing I can seem to do about, it seems it always come easier to everyone else. I'm always alone. I feel as if I am hated by everyone. I started taking meds back in October of last year, antidepressants, antipsychotics. It helped some I suppose. I'm not allowed to really talk suicide here I suppose. I really want to though. Anyway. I stopped taking the antipsychotics a bit ago for reasons I guess. I feel like I'm becoming worse again like I was before. By that I mean I'm becoming agoraphobic and never leaving the house. Socially anxious freak. Yet it doesn't seem to make a difference. When I am outside I am alone. When I am indoors I am alone. Always alone. Isolation is a familiar face for me. I sort of long for the melancholic days where I had this hope that if I managed to go outside and get a job and go to school, things would be better? They aren't really. Different situation, same feelings. I think I preferred staying in my bed all day and I'd prefer to go back to that. It was comforting to not leave the bed. To stay in a constant dream of melancholy. I miss talking to the voices in my head and this and that and I'm just so utterly alone. I didn't even realize I would miss the voices that much. I didn't even consider them voices at the time they were so constant and there that I just thought they were part of normal thought. It's so empty now? How do people live like this? When they first went away I was actually afraid. It was so deafening. I tried to call them and it just wouldn't happen. Where did they go? I feel empty inside and now I am completely alone. I don't know how much more I can take of this. I miss my nonreal people because they were the only few I actually had. I feel like crying for not having them around. It's so empty.
  11. I did like a thing of homework but I just ended up sleeping most of the day away.
  12. Why oh why does life seem to get worse the longer it goes on for- Just this constant state of decline. I could say I am improving but really if I compare it to the past it's worse now than ever. Dangerous road of alcoholism I can see ahead of me if I end up slipping... I don't really post on here much. Though I do occasionally. Not sure what I seek to gain by typing my feelings and what not out. Nothing comes of it since I always seem to do this.I use other forums so. I made a lot of improvement this year but depression just seems to get worse- by improvements I mean I was a complete agoraphobic but now I can seem to go out, I have a job I work at once a week. I take classes online. Things should be better. They aren't. I keep drinking and feeling suicidal. Things should be better now though right? ... When it comes to relationships I don't know. I have no friends and I have to make all of my "friends" online it seems. Mainly due to my lacking social skills. I feel overwhelmed with some online people. I even had like an online girlfriend for a week. Which sort of fell apart because I have a lot of baggage apparently. Mental baggage. Of course we still talk but it's like- I kind of don't want to anymore. Why do I reject people's compassion? I push people who are nice to me away. It's easier for people to treat me poorly. It's like something twisted inside says that I don't deserve to be loved so it takes any chance to cause that to fall apart. It's always my fault.
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