CateDeV

I couldn't exactly find a suitable thread, but please if there is already one let me know. I've suffered from (diagnosed) depression for about seven years now. For the past 3,5 years it has been under control (and I was able to be off the meds some of the time), but the downward spiral started again last spring, and I didn't see it until it was too late. It's amazing how a person can keep lying to herself. I'm fine, I'm just exhausted, I just need a vacation and after that it's business as usual. Well, now it has come to a point, where I'm at a risk of losing my job. Until this moment, I've always managed to protect my work from this devil of an illness. I feel so bad, because work means a lot to me. I'm working in a responsible position, and have never revealed to anyone that I suffer from depression. And I'm not going to do that now. There are some strong external factors that caused my depression to return, and for the outside world that's why I'm "exhausted". I'm now facing job hunting in a not so pristine condition, but so far I'm hopeful. My fear is that if I don't manage to find a new job easily, what then. I won't be able to continue in my current job for long. It's scary how completely paralyzed I am, I just am not able to do any of my tasks properly. And if I don't get my together immediately it won't be good. God, I hate this feeling. I know what I need to do, amd it's not difficult. I just sit. Like now. Insted of working, I'm writing this. The reason I started this topic was that I was hoping to find someone else who has struggled to manage work and depression. I re-started my meds a couple of weeks ago (a couple of months too late), and they are starting to help, but my current work crisis is still contributing too much to my stress and anxiety levels, that I don't feel "normal". My hope is that if I manage to find a new job, the fresh start will remove the external anxiety enough that I'm able to focus on really trying to get better. Now I'm just barely able to keep my nose above the water. My fear is that if I don't find a new job soon I'm not able to keep my nose up. The feeling of not really caring about anything is lurking just under surface, and I'm terrified of it taking a firmer hold of me. I'm not suicidal, don't worry about that. It's just the feeling of not really caring a out anything, the feeling I recognise as wrong. But I fear that if it takes a firmer hold of me, I will just sit by and watch myself losing my job and end up in a fetal position on my couch not able to do anything. I don't know if this makes any sense, but it's a relief to share it. Thanks for listening :)

Thank you! This was a very calming and inspirational post. I'm going through my second depressive episode, and feeling really low. What I hate about it most is that I thought I would be wise enough to recognize the returning symptoms early enough to react. But I wasn't able to do it and I feel awful. The rock bottom is close and I'm afraid I may lose my job because of it. I've been given a small chance to fix things, but I'm still paralyzed. I know what I need to do, but I just can't get myself moving. I just want to hide. This post really helped me to calm myself down a bit, and gave me courage to try and continue working things out. The worst thing is that I hide my depression. It's unbelievable how strong the feeling of shame is, that I'm faulty and not worthy. Rationally thinking I know that I shouldn't think like that, but the feeling is there and doesn't just go away. My family knows that I've got the illness, but how serious is has gotten again... No, I'm not able to tell. (I feel like such a loser for allowing the depression to come back). So feeling rather alone with this. I'm so glad I found this forum.