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Lojinx

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About Lojinx

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  1. Overwhelmed

    Thank you so much, both of you. The last week has been especially hard so friendly "voices" are very much appreciated. I'm afraid the current state of things will have to continue for a bit longer. I was already feeling particularly low, and then my financial state which was already suffering took an additional hit this week. An emergency veterinary visit always hurts, though thankfully it resulted in a happy ending if an expensive one. And after a visit to urgent care for myself on Friday, the injury that has kept me down as of late looks to be more serious. I could be looking at a minimum of further rest to needing Physical Therapy or even possibly surgery. I'm trying not to borrow trouble or think too negatively but if surgery does become the likelihood, I'll need time off work and will therefore lose more money, and don't know how I'll be able to tend to myself. I could selfishly continue the relationship as is until my health is more settled. I feel terrible for thinking that way but a part of me believes that if things do head that direction, the pressures of pre- and post-surgery might push us both over the edge anyway and resolve things either way with some finality. This is my house so I would be asking him to leave in addition to everything else. I don't know that I have the strength, physically or emotionally, to end things myself right now. I'm rather scared, truth be told. Too much uncertainty on top of uncertainty. So I will limp along like most elements in my life seem to be doing these days and hope for improvement and clarity. Thanks again for anyone who reads here and offers support, advice, or just an ear.
  2. My own opinion is that yes, things have gotten way too sexual. Healthy sexuality is a wonderful thing. The fake representation of it that we are being spoon- or force-fed is not. Sex sells which then promotes more sex for more selling and so it spirals as we up the ante more and more and more. Then we are left with problems like nothing but inappropriate (and unequal) clothing choices for young girls because that's now what's "normal." For the men who say that men just like to look at women or women who claim they just like to look like men, how ok you are with others directing similar thoughts towards your wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, sisters/brothers, mothers/fathers, and daughters/sons? I also think the increase in male !!!!!! in media as an effort to "equalize" or sell more sex is nothing to be celebrated. Pointing to that as "see? you do it too" as a justification is just sad. The "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality is not a healthy response. It's resignation. I believe there is a difference in appreciating attractiveness (you can't help but notice beauty) and crossing the line into ogling and sexualizing. It all starts with thoughts. "Harmless" fantasies that start opening doors to other possibilities. Escalation. So, yes, I think being in a relationship or marriage means reserving your sexual energy for that other person. Otherwise, what separates that relationship from the rest? For me that means being faithful physically, emotionally, and mentally. I used to think "what's the big deal?" That it was insecurity or jealousy, etc. to have an issue with it. Now, I don't believe so much explicit content is harmless. Smoking was once considered harmless too, even beneficial. Too much of anything that "feels good" is probably bad: Smoking, junk food, drugs, sex, pick an addiction. Pick your dopamine hit of choice. No one likes to think that what they enjoy or partake in is "bad" or "unhealthy" but just as we see that smoking causes cancer and too much junk food causes obesity, we need to realize what may result from our current attitude towards sex and people. We may need to adjust our perspective. I have felt the harsh effects as oversexualization such as porn and its mainstream substitutes in TV and movies, as well as on Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. It can render people (mostly men, but even some women) incapable of a "normal" or "healthy" sexual relationship. It teaches us to view everyone as a sexual object for our own pleasure or entertainment which I do not think is right. I believe that is part of what has contributed to the problems we are seeing in the news: predatory behavior, sexual assault, rape, sex trafficking, etc. It's about power over others and taking whatever you want (often sexually) because of a sense of greed and entitlement. It is the epitome of selfish and destructive behavior. Where nothing is sacred or private because what should be intimate is instead exploited for ratings or sales. Why must we reduce people to their body parts? To do so is to literally objectify them, turn them into an object. Turning a human being into a thing, an object, is almost always the first step toward justifying violence against that person -Jean Kilbourne Mine may seem like an extreme view to some, but watch the various TedTalks available, read the studies that are coming out more and more. It does no one any good to see others as anything less than fellow and equal human beings. That's my two cents.
  3. I haven't been here in two years. I thought life was getting better because my decade plus relationship finally ended. It had been a slow death so I was relieved when it was done. He had to do it, in a cowardly way, but he did it nonetheless. I had some alone time to reflect and take care of myself. I have now been in a new relationship for about a year. I can't seem to stop making bad choices and decisions for myself, though. I desperately need help with my co-dependency. I am looking to attend CoDA meetings - I went to a couple then had to travel for work. I've been working with my therapist but am about to change insurance and will have to find a new one. I've been on Wellbutrin for about a year and a half - currently at 300mg - but I'm worried it's stopped working. This new relationship is a trainwreck. I care deeply for him (despite the following he can be sweet, has a great family, and a good heart) but know I need to break up with him. Through the yearlong relationship I discovered porn addiction, garden shrub use (he'd said he didn't anymore), acknowledgment that he loves me more for how I treat him than for me myself, and a general disregard for my feelings. I'm his first long term relationship in a decade and his longest ever. Now I know why. From the addictions to mistreatment of me to questionable behavior, I get triggered ALL. THE. TIME. He texted me just today asking if I want to go out with him and some co-workers. No I don't want to go to the bar where you got drunk and flirty with a wedding party, where you went to hang out with guys and fantasize about all the women while I was at home sick. No I don't want to sleep with you when you can't even keep it up because of your past porn use and all the readily available substitutes you probably now use which keep your equipment in a non-fully-functional state. Not that it's that good anyway. I basically feel used. Sexually, emotionally, financially. He's not malicious, just selfish. He can sympathize with mental health issues and homelessness because he's experienced both. But he lacks empathy and cannot see or accept how much he has hurt me. Nor can he seem to take me and my feelings into consideration due to his impulsive/compulsive behaviors. My self-esteem is in the toilet. My anxiety is almost always at a heightened state until I'm too exhausted to continue like that and sink down into my depression. Each time I climb higher and fall lower than the one before. What is wrong with me? Why do I think it's ok to be with someone like this? I don't but I can't seem to actually end things. Why don't I feel I deserve more or better? Sometimes I feel like I've lost faith in men, in humanity really. I am neither religious nor terribly conservative but even I think that society has become far too self-absorbed and oversexualized to sustain any kind of real intimacy or commitment or fidelity in a relationship. All I want is a real connection with someone who will actually think of me and US and not just himself. It saddens me that I now feel that's asking too much or just plain unrealistic. I have no rock, no stability. Family cannot be relied upon. Friends are all superficial or far away or busy with their own families and lives. Job is increasingly frustrating and stagnant. Relationship is, well see above. Pets are fighting. Money is a constant concern. I recently injured myself and can't go back to the gym for a bit. Mental health is obviously not doing well either. I can't think of one aspect of my life that is solid or "looking up." I'm alive, I guess? But I don't know how to hold on anymore when I feel like I've been holding on for so very long and nothing has gotten better. It only gets worse. I just want to start over. At everything. But I know that's not really possible so I'm stuck. Drowning. If I can't start over and it doesn't get better, what do I do? I can't bear the thought of living like this forever. Edit/Note: I tried to keep this PG-13 and didn't get detailed or explicit with anything but please let me know if any of the content or vocabulary is unacceptable nonetheless. Thanks.