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About Lojinx

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  1. Lojinx


    Thanks Jeremiah, I appreciate your insights. I AM glad my long term relationship is over because it wasn't happy for a long time. Years really. With poor communication, unequal contributions, and continuously increasing resentment there was no hope. So it was a relief to finally let it die for good. It was a very large part of my life in various ways but I wanted to believe there was more and better out there for me. After 6 months I started dabbling in online dating and it was brutal. Flakes left and right. In conversation, in meeting, etc. Felt like very few men within my age bracket wanted to date someone close to their age. 40 year olds seeking only 18-25 year olds. That was the norm. The only one who actually followed through and met with me in person is who I am now dating. Based on this relationship and my last I have realized that I seem to believe myself unworthy of real love, or being cherished and valued and important to someone. Why else would I put up with such treatment? On the one hand I know I need to work on my own self worth. On the other I worry that I will never be able to have faith in other people, especially men, ever again. The current world is not conducive to the level of devotion and loyalty I offer and seek in a mate. Still. I know I will be happier alone and working on myself than with someone who consistently makes me feel less than. I read something on another forum recently that really struck me. About consistently ending up with people who feel only lukewarm about me but enjoy how hard I work at loving them and treating them well. That would be me to a letter. So now I'm facing another imminent breakup, financial hardships, health issues physical and obviously mental, increasing dissatisfaction with my job, while lacking any real support system from family OR friends. My therapist resurfaced so I scheduled an appt for this next week. I'm struggling with feelings vs reality. My thoughts may be distorted but when facts support them, are they really? I found myself bargaining today. I have 2 reasons for not ending my life. One is a fear of death and subsequent oblivion. The other is of disappointing others. To the latter I find myself cleaning house and getting rid of all but essentials so if someone had to come in and go through my things it would be no great hardship. At work I am trying to get caught up on delinquent projects to get all in order as well as putting together a handbook compiling instructions and info so someone else could easily take it from there. I estimate my projects will continue through the first half of the next year, say 6-7 months. So I have that much time to get ready or to overcome this darkness. It does make me feel even sadder to realize that like most things in my life, it's a sense of obligation rather than any real desire to stay a part of this world. Thanks again for writing. I hope you find happiness and the loneliness subsides. For me, my empathy and compassion are a handicap, as I am constantly caring more about EVERYone else than ANYone else cares about me. I haven't given up completely yet. But hope is constantly dwindling. I'd like to think things can get better. They just haven't for me in years, and every step I've taken to improve things has been met with a giant wall. I'm losing strength with the endless climbing and rethinking of options. At what point do you stop and say this is it? All there is. No better. And then what? I hate to think I'll live to old age and look back to see how much pain I trudged through with little to no joy to compensate. That's like staying in either of these unhappy relationships hoping they get better. I just don't know how to climb out of this abyss. I believe it might be possible. I just can't seem to find how. Keeping on and continuing to try only exhausts and overwhelms me and kills my hope and resolve. Onward
  2. Lojinx


    My therapist has abandoned me. Probably because my insurance will be changing and she is no longer covered. I don't know that I have the strength to start all over again but can't afford out of pocket. Can't afford anything beyond the bills really. And that barely. Maybe that's why I stay in bad relationships. I can't bear having to start over from scratch. Share myself yet again. Like handfuls of rice, each sharing sheds grains to the ground, unintentional offerings of my soul. I'm never again what I was or could have been. For good or ill. I think those lost bits are mostly faith, in myself, in humanity, the hope for anything different or better. Bad days.
  3. Lojinx


    Lots of suicide ideation the last few days. Feeling alone, unloved, and trapped, without direction, purpose, or hope. It's making me want to clean house, declutter, and get rid of all my junk. On the one hand I know that will be mentally healthy. On the other hand I worry it's a bad stepping stone. I think I'll pursue it because if the former but try not to go down any rabbit holes knowing the latter. How strange to be so terrified of death and mortality yet see it as the only way to be done feeling so much pain. I have nothing I look forward to each day. Sleep brings brief respite only to usher in another dreary day. I'm so tired of counting my days with nothing but death to end such tallying.
  4. Lojinx


    Thank you so much, both of you. The last week has been especially hard so friendly "voices" are very much appreciated. I'm afraid the current state of things will have to continue for a bit longer. I was already feeling particularly low, and then my financial state which was already suffering took an additional hit this week. An emergency veterinary visit always hurts, though thankfully it resulted in a happy ending if an expensive one. And after a visit to urgent care for myself on Friday, the injury that has kept me down as of late looks to be more serious. I could be looking at a minimum of further rest to needing Physical Therapy or even possibly surgery. I'm trying not to borrow trouble or think too negatively but if surgery does become the likelihood, I'll need time off work and will therefore lose more money, and don't know how I'll be able to tend to myself. I could selfishly continue the relationship as is until my health is more settled. I feel terrible for thinking that way but a part of me believes that if things do head that direction, the pressures of pre- and post-surgery might push us both over the edge anyway and resolve things either way with some finality. This is my house so I would be asking him to leave in addition to everything else. I don't know that I have the strength, physically or emotionally, to end things myself right now. I'm rather scared, truth be told. Too much uncertainty on top of uncertainty. So I will limp along like most elements in my life seem to be doing these days and hope for improvement and clarity. Thanks again for anyone who reads here and offers support, advice, or just an ear.
  5. My own opinion is that yes, things have gotten way too sexual. Healthy sexuality is a wonderful thing. The fake representation of it that we are being spoon- or force-fed is not. Sex sells which then promotes more sex for more selling and so it spirals as we up the ante more and more and more. Then we are left with problems like nothing but inappropriate (and unequal) clothing choices for young girls because that's now what's "normal." For the men who say that men just like to look at women or women who claim they just like to look like men, how ok you are with others directing similar thoughts towards your wives/husbands, girlfriends/boyfriends, sisters/brothers, mothers/fathers, and daughters/sons? I also think the increase in male !!!!!! in media as an effort to "equalize" or sell more sex is nothing to be celebrated. Pointing to that as "see? you do it too" as a justification is just sad. The "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" mentality is not a healthy response. It's resignation. I believe there is a difference in appreciating attractiveness (you can't help but notice beauty) and crossing the line into ogling and sexualizing. It all starts with thoughts. "Harmless" fantasies that start opening doors to other possibilities. Escalation. So, yes, I think being in a relationship or marriage means reserving your sexual energy for that other person. Otherwise, what separates that relationship from the rest? For me that means being faithful physically, emotionally, and mentally. I used to think "what's the big deal?" That it was insecurity or jealousy, etc. to have an issue with it. Now, I don't believe so much explicit content is harmless. Smoking was once considered harmless too, even beneficial. Too much of anything that "feels good" is probably bad: Smoking, junk food, drugs, sex, pick an addiction. Pick your dopamine hit of choice. No one likes to think that what they enjoy or partake in is "bad" or "unhealthy" but just as we see that smoking causes cancer and too much junk food causes obesity, we need to realize what may result from our current attitude towards sex and people. We may need to adjust our perspective. I have felt the harsh effects as oversexualization such as porn and its mainstream substitutes in TV and movies, as well as on Reddit, Facebook, and Instagram. It can render people (mostly men, but even some women) incapable of a "normal" or "healthy" sexual relationship. It teaches us to view everyone as a sexual object for our own pleasure or entertainment which I do not think is right. I believe that is part of what has contributed to the problems we are seeing in the news: predatory behavior, sexual assault, rape, sex trafficking, etc. It's about power over others and taking whatever you want (often sexually) because of a sense of greed and entitlement. It is the epitome of selfish and destructive behavior. Where nothing is sacred or private because what should be intimate is instead exploited for ratings or sales. Why must we reduce people to their body parts? To do so is to literally objectify them, turn them into an object. Turning a human being into a thing, an object, is almost always the first step toward justifying violence against that person -Jean Kilbourne Mine may seem like an extreme view to some, but watch the various TedTalks available, read the studies that are coming out more and more. It does no one any good to see others as anything less than fellow and equal human beings. That's my two cents.
  6. I haven't been here in two years. I thought life was getting better because my decade plus relationship finally ended. It had been a slow death so I was relieved when it was done. He had to do it, in a cowardly way, but he did it nonetheless. I had some alone time to reflect and take care of myself. I have now been in a new relationship for about a year. I can't seem to stop making bad choices and decisions for myself, though. I desperately need help with my co-dependency. I am looking to attend CoDA meetings - I went to a couple then had to travel for work. I've been working with my therapist but am about to change insurance and will have to find a new one. I've been on Wellbutrin for about a year and a half - currently at 300mg - but I'm worried it's stopped working. This new relationship is a trainwreck. I care deeply for him (despite the following he can be sweet, has a great family, and a good heart) but know I need to break up with him. Through the yearlong relationship I discovered porn addiction, garden shrub use (he'd said he didn't anymore), acknowledgment that he loves me more for how I treat him than for me myself, and a general disregard for my feelings. I'm his first long term relationship in a decade and his longest ever. Now I know why. From the addictions to mistreatment of me to questionable behavior, I get triggered ALL. THE. TIME. He texted me just today asking if I want to go out with him and some co-workers. No I don't want to go to the bar where you got drunk and flirty with a wedding party, where you went to hang out with guys and fantasize about all the women while I was at home sick. No I don't want to sleep with you when you can't even keep it up because of your past porn use and all the readily available substitutes you probably now use which keep your equipment in a non-fully-functional state. Not that it's that good anyway. I basically feel used. Sexually, emotionally, financially. He's not malicious, just selfish. He can sympathize with mental health issues and homelessness because he's experienced both. But he lacks empathy and cannot see or accept how much he has hurt me. Nor can he seem to take me and my feelings into consideration due to his impulsive/compulsive behaviors. My self-esteem is in the toilet. My anxiety is almost always at a heightened state until I'm too exhausted to continue like that and sink down into my depression. Each time I climb higher and fall lower than the one before. What is wrong with me? Why do I think it's ok to be with someone like this? I don't but I can't seem to actually end things. Why don't I feel I deserve more or better? Sometimes I feel like I've lost faith in men, in humanity really. I am neither religious nor terribly conservative but even I think that society has become far too self-absorbed and oversexualized to sustain any kind of real intimacy or commitment or fidelity in a relationship. All I want is a real connection with someone who will actually think of me and US and not just himself. It saddens me that I now feel that's asking too much or just plain unrealistic. I have no rock, no stability. Family cannot be relied upon. Friends are all superficial or far away or busy with their own families and lives. Job is increasingly frustrating and stagnant. Relationship is, well see above. Pets are fighting. Money is a constant concern. I recently injured myself and can't go back to the gym for a bit. Mental health is obviously not doing well either. I can't think of one aspect of my life that is solid or "looking up." I'm alive, I guess? But I don't know how to hold on anymore when I feel like I've been holding on for so very long and nothing has gotten better. It only gets worse. I just want to start over. At everything. But I know that's not really possible so I'm stuck. Drowning. If I can't start over and it doesn't get better, what do I do? I can't bear the thought of living like this forever. Edit/Note: I tried to keep this PG-13 and didn't get detailed or explicit with anything but please let me know if any of the content or vocabulary is unacceptable nonetheless. Thanks.