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derpytia

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Everything posted by derpytia

  1. I'm not sure I want to increase the dosage as I know Remeron is hard to get off of and If I need to taper off I'd rather do it now while the dose is still relatively low than later when the dose is high.
  2. I started Remeron little over two weeks ago and it was going so well! I was getting sleep, my mood improved, and it actually lowered my intrusive, severe tinnitus to it's previous levels before it increased in March Then today I woke up and it... just stopped working? This is my second ever antidepressant (two others I tried gave me such bad side effects I had to stop taking them) and I've never expected it to stop working this fast? Is it common for Remeron to stop working after a mere two weeks?
  3. A lot of people I know have the ringing (tinnitus) in their ears after taking antidepressants or benzos. Sometimes it goes away and sometimes... it's permanent. It's a pretty crappy side effect.
  4. Every day I keep asking more questions and I keep getting back the same answers. I have not been leading a Christian life. I swear, I watch the wrong thing, I have friends who are non-believers who I compromise my beliefs for on occasion. I lie sometimes. So how can I expect God to answer any of my prayers if I'm doing those things? I can't. And He wont because no matter how much I am forgiven because of Jesus, I still can't seem to repent properly.
  5. SPIDERS. Can't stand them. Even if I try to **** them myself I'll scream ****** m***** the entire time.
  6. I spoke to a friend of mine who is probably a better Christian than I am since she never questions God ever. She said I'm not obediant enough to God. I say swear words often and I watch movies that have premarital sex, violence, magic, and other religions in them that are not good to watch. I constantly question God and get angry with him. I listen to the wrong kind of music and play video games that have the same things as the movies. She said if I stop doing those things, repent, and ask God for forgiveness that I would have an easier time. Kinda makes me feel like crap as a person.
  7. I just don't understand why we would be put on this earth for whatever cosmic reason God could come up with and then leave us here after we made a single mistake and then not comfort us. God is supposed to be comforting and our father. But he doesn't treat us like that. No parent would ever leave their child in the depths of despair without some amount of true comfort. I'm tired of being strong and fighting through each day. I want to be able to enjoy the small and big things. I want to be able to laugh and smile and know what happiness feels like. True happiness that isn't brought on by or tinged with sadness. David committed so many grave sins and yet he was forgiven and was given back his favor with God. I have committed sins but they are nowhere near as bad as Davids and yet I am given lifelong misery even before I was born. God formed me in the womb and God made me with all these disabilities. He GAVE them to me. Just up and decided that I'd be a perfect candidate without my consent.
  8. I'm so anguished because where is God? Where? Why doesn't he offer comfort for this life too? Where was God when I was born with PHPV in my eye? Where was God when my father became an alcoholic and abused my dog and me and my mother? Where was God when my parents got divorced? Where was God when I developed depression as a young child? Where was God when my own grandmother tried to take our house away from us? Where was God when I lost all vision in my right eye? Where was God when my mother lost her job and we were forced into poverty? Where was God when I lost some hearing and got tinnitus? Where was God every time my tinnitus and hearing loss got worse? Where was God when I developed anxiety? Where is He? Why can't Jesus come now and take me to my real home? I want to go there where there's no crying or sadness or pain or suffering. I want to go there so badly and yet I have to live the rest of this life like this. I'll never get married or have a family. I'll never get a job and will probably end up on the streets when my mother dies. I'll never heal or be happy. It's too cruel of a fate for me.
  9. But what if love isn't enough? Love can't heal me of my afflictions. Love can't save me from falling into depression and anxiety. Love cannot bring back anything that I have lost. And as for God's love, I'm just a mere human; I don't think we can even comprehend God's love much less feel it. :(
  10. A lot of my fellow Christian's will say that we have heaven to look forward to where there is no more suffering or pain or sadness. But... how is that a comfort. It's like: "Okay you're gonna continue suffering with no relief or help and you're gonna be that way until the day you die." Does that mean that death is the only thing we have to look forward to? What is the point of living like this if I'm going to die one day and go to heaven. Why not just get it over with? Why does God insist on us living a life here on earth?
  11. Hi Lauryn, I am also part of a tinnitus forum called TinnitusTalk (its a great forum, we conduct research where we can, get in contact with companies trying to make drugs to help us, support other sufferers, and raise awareness) and several members have tried it with very limited results. I'm just so so so worried that I made mine worse somehow. Thanksgiving is stressful enough and with hell week before finals week coming up I'm so completely strung out.
  12. So instead of going home this year (which I couldn't afford to) I went to a friend's home to celebrate with his family (who I never met prior to the holiday) and I had both a fun time and a horrible time. The family was so nice and giving and accommodating but on the inside I was a mess. My anxiety was out of control. I barely ate one plate of food at dinner because my anxiety gave me an acidic and nauseous stomach (and I didn't bring my Pepcid) though I had two slices of chocolate pie afterwards and a lot of water. Then when it came time to sleep, I got my own room and I set the temperature to my usual temp, turned on the fan (can't sleep without it) and my soundmaker for my tinnitus and still I didn't fall asleep until 4 am and then got a horrible nights sleep. Now I'm back at my apartment in my bed relaxing so I can recover from all of that and I'm not anxious about my anxiety going away. I haven't taken Xanax for over three months (though I was never dependent on it and took it only as needed a few times a month) and now I'm thinking about getting more from my psych because this is ridiculous.
  13. Dear me, Thank you for taking initiative and getting people together to help tackle your senior project this up coming school year.
  14. My mother was the sole person who raised me after she kicked my father out when I was 8 and that's when I first got diagnosed by the court assigned therapist with depression. Nothing was done about it. As I grew up I knew how to deal with it or ignore it. My mom loved me more back then. But things are different now and my depression and anxiety are way out of control and I don't think she actually loves me as much anymore. It's almost as if she sees me as a different person or just a broken thing that she's shackled to to take care of because I'm not financially independent as of yet. With one breath she will praise me for being a nice person, a caring and smart person. The next she will put me down, tell me that maybe she'll just leave me out on the road and I can find my own way back home or that she'll cancel my medical insurance and let me deal with the government fees. When I ask her to stop saying something or doing something to me because it makes me uncomfortable or makes my thoughts go to a bad place she antagonizes me and threatens to abandon me. She constantly reminds me how much my depression, anxiety, and various health problems (some of them have been lifelong and chronic) cost her and have cost her in the past. It makes me feel not only like a burden but a horrible person. It makes me want to cry because I love her and I don't want to do that to her. She was supposed to have a nice happy life after all she went through in her childhood and instead she got me and this. I feel like even though she is being the problem, I feel like I am a problem or THE problem. If only I were healthier, if only I were stronger, if only I were better, then she'd be happy and love me like she used to again. I know I'm not the perfect person. I can be lazy sometimes especially on bad days where depression doesn't want to let me get anything accomplished. I have a moment or two everyday where I break down and cry. I sometimes get lonely and emotionally unstable when I wake up in the middle of the night and go ask if she can just give me a real hug or lay with me for awhile because I have no one else. I get frustrated because she has a new dog that I was and am expected to help take care of when I came home this summer and as much as I think the dog is cute, she doesn't always mind and it does make me upset and whenever the dog does something wrong, I get yelled at. I'm not the perfect daughter by any means but I thought I was okay. Never did drugs, alcohol, never drove incorrectly, never stayed out too late or lied about where I was going. Never had sex or a boyfriend for that matter. I wasn't the best but I think I was okay. I just don't understand why my mother has to treat me this way. I don't know how I can explain to her that what she does is hurtful and that I really am trying and that it's just really hard day to day and I don't always win my daily battles. She has caused me a lot of pain and I don't know how to fix it or myself.
  15. I finished up some work for my internship today, even though I cried the entire time and my anxiety was and still is through the roof. I just kinda wish I could go see fireworks but that'll never happen in my lifetime again because they are too loud for me now. I miss having a good day on holidays...
  16. After the string of useless or generally unhelpful therapists I have gone through in my 21 almost 22 years of life I think I can finally say that I've found the perfect therapist for me. Not only is she sympathetic to me in every way and validates my feelings (she has depression as well) but she is actually taking initiative and is actively helping me get the support I need. When I was at my lowest she called the outpatient clinic I'm going to for me and helped me ask questions about financial costs and what I could do to bring them down and what kind of care I needed. She is also very good at gently challenging my self depreciating and negative thinking in a way that is not frustrating or accusatory. And she genuinely cares about me and my well being and even cut my bill to her in half because she knows money is an issue for me. I never expected to find a therapist like this ever in any place at any time of my life. I wish I would have found this therapist much much sooner.
  17. Dragon Age: Origins... again for like the 10th time. Dem graphics lol. Bioware has come far.
  18. :verysad3: and finally because my mother's new puppy has unlimited amounts of energy
  19. I've been keeping this as a mantra lately for my really really bad days with depression and anxiety. The idea that nothing is permanent can be scary (especially with anxiety) but I can turn it around in my favor to help myself out. The idea that "nothing is permanent" can apply to my bad days and bad situations. None of them are permanent and there are better days and better things that will come to me eventually. It also applies to my depression and anxiety directly in hopes that one day I will move past them completely :) What do you guys think?
  20. It's so hard to even think of inner peace when there is nothing but pain inside. And as for friends, I'm pretty sure if I let on just how much I'm suffering that they wouldn't want to be around me anymore. I wouldn't blame them. I think it's completely natural for us humans to want to avoid unpleasant things, even if those unpleasant things happen to be our friends or what our friends are going through. I don't expect help from anyone because I know that no one wants to be around a mood-killer. It's ridiculously hard and with so much bad going on in the world combined with my own struggles, I think I'm just really not meant to achieve inner peace. Some people go through their entire lives suffering. It's starting to look like I will be one of those people which is unfair and sad.
  21. Tinnitus is downright awful for a lot of people, myself included. Mine is due to hearing loss. It definitely doesn't help with my depression in fact it makes it way worse. :( I wish there was a cure, I really really do.
  22. It has been so long since I could say that I was happy. In fact, looking back on my life in an honest light, I don't think I've ever been truly happy. I've had depression since childhood (was diagnosed at the age of 8 but I had had it since long before that) and it has been my constant unwanted companion. Sure there are times in my life where it wasn't as oppressive and I was able to make good memories but even thinking back on those good memories, while I had fun and laughed and even smiled, I don't think I was truly happy inside at all. I've always been sad. As for being okay? What even is 'okay'? It's been four years since I went to college and this period of my life has been far from okay. It's not the usual stumbling around trying to figure out this whole adult thing. It's been one bad thing after another. Ever since I've gone to college I've been bombarded with serious illnesses and chronic conditions and losing people I cared dearly about. Sure everyone has things in their life that are outside of their control but for me it just seems like EVERYTHING is outside my control including my own emotions and health. I don't know how to truly laugh anymore or have motivation. I don't even know what it is like to live in a healthy body. I don't think I'll ever get well and I don't know if I'll ever be happy. My therapy is great but it can only do so much... And all of this scares the crap out of me and on top of all of that, I am lonely. The only person I have is my mother and she can't fix me. She can't always say something to make me feel better and she is 8 hours away. I have 'friends' and acquaintances, all of whom are lovely and kind people but I can't connect with them on a deeper level. I can't just up and say "Hey, I'm miserable" to them. I am truly alone. I don't remember what it is like to be okay.
  23. My therapist and I have noticed a pattern in my depression. It is always at it's absolute worst and close to unmanageable for me the week before and the week during my period. Normally other doctors would say this is merely just PMS (but before my depression became constant and was an occasional thing I never had major PMS at all). But around those times my depression seems to pull me down to where I cry myself to sleep each night and I just feel an overwhelming amount of sadness that I literally cannot escape. Otherwise, I've gotten pretty good with using my coping skills and positive affirmations on any other week. Does anyone else experience this or am I really the only one?
  24. Mine started showing up when I was 8 when my father's abuse and drinking were at its peak and then after he was forced out of our house by police and never came back. My mom noticed that I was listless, watched a lot of TV and movies on repeat and didn't take interest in the things I used to and started self depreciating and holding myself back from fun or challenging things. It has never gone away.
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