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About derpytia

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  • Birthday 07/29/1993

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  1. I'm not sure I want to increase the dosage as I know Remeron is hard to get off of and If I need to taper off I'd rather do it now while the dose is still relatively low than later when the dose is high.
  2. I started Remeron little over two weeks ago and it was going so well! I was getting sleep, my mood improved, and it actually lowered my intrusive, severe tinnitus to it's previous levels before it increased in March Then today I woke up and it... just stopped working? This is my second ever antidepressant (two others I tried gave me such bad side effects I had to stop taking them) and I've never expected it to stop working this fast? Is it common for Remeron to stop working after a mere two weeks?
  3. A lot of people I know have the ringing (tinnitus) in their ears after taking antidepressants or benzos. Sometimes it goes away and sometimes... it's permanent. It's a pretty crappy side effect.
  4. Every day I keep asking more questions and I keep getting back the same answers. I have not been leading a Christian life. I swear, I watch the wrong thing, I have friends who are non-believers who I compromise my beliefs for on occasion. I lie sometimes. So how can I expect God to answer any of my prayers if I'm doing those things? I can't. And He wont because no matter how much I am forgiven because of Jesus, I still can't seem to repent properly.
  5. SPIDERS. Can't stand them. Even if I try to **** them myself I'll scream ****** m***** the entire time.
  6. I spoke to a friend of mine who is probably a better Christian than I am since she never questions God ever. She said I'm not obediant enough to God. I say swear words often and I watch movies that have premarital sex, violence, magic, and other religions in them that are not good to watch. I constantly question God and get angry with him. I listen to the wrong kind of music and play video games that have the same things as the movies. She said if I stop doing those things, repent, and ask God for forgiveness that I would have an easier time. Kinda makes me feel like crap as a person.
  7. I just don't understand why we would be put on this earth for whatever cosmic reason God could come up with and then leave us here after we made a single mistake and then not comfort us. God is supposed to be comforting and our father. But he doesn't treat us like that. No parent would ever leave their child in the depths of despair without some amount of true comfort. I'm tired of being strong and fighting through each day. I want to be able to enjoy the small and big things. I want to be able to laugh and smile and know what happiness feels like. True happiness that isn't brought on by or tinged with sadness. David committed so many grave sins and yet he was forgiven and was given back his favor with God. I have committed sins but they are nowhere near as bad as Davids and yet I am given lifelong misery even before I was born. God formed me in the womb and God made me with all these disabilities. He GAVE them to me. Just up and decided that I'd be a perfect candidate without my consent.
  8. I'm so anguished because where is God? Where? Why doesn't he offer comfort for this life too? Where was God when I was born with PHPV in my eye? Where was God when my father became an alcoholic and abused my dog and me and my mother? Where was God when my parents got divorced? Where was God when I developed depression as a young child? Where was God when my own grandmother tried to take our house away from us? Where was God when I lost all vision in my right eye? Where was God when my mother lost her job and we were forced into poverty? Where was God when I lost some hearing and got tinnitus? Where was God every time my tinnitus and hearing loss got worse? Where was God when I developed anxiety? Where is He? Why can't Jesus come now and take me to my real home? I want to go there where there's no crying or sadness or pain or suffering. I want to go there so badly and yet I have to live the rest of this life like this. I'll never get married or have a family. I'll never get a job and will probably end up on the streets when my mother dies. I'll never heal or be happy. It's too cruel of a fate for me.
  9. But what if love isn't enough? Love can't heal me of my afflictions. Love can't save me from falling into depression and anxiety. Love cannot bring back anything that I have lost. And as for God's love, I'm just a mere human; I don't think we can even comprehend God's love much less feel it. :(
  10. A lot of my fellow Christian's will say that we have heaven to look forward to where there is no more suffering or pain or sadness. But... how is that a comfort. It's like: "Okay you're gonna continue suffering with no relief or help and you're gonna be that way until the day you die." Does that mean that death is the only thing we have to look forward to? What is the point of living like this if I'm going to die one day and go to heaven. Why not just get it over with? Why does God insist on us living a life here on earth?
  11. Hi Lauryn, I am also part of a tinnitus forum called TinnitusTalk (its a great forum, we conduct research where we can, get in contact with companies trying to make drugs to help us, support other sufferers, and raise awareness) and several members have tried it with very limited results. I'm just so so so worried that I made mine worse somehow. Thanksgiving is stressful enough and with hell week before finals week coming up I'm so completely strung out.
  12. So instead of going home this year (which I couldn't afford to) I went to a friend's home to celebrate with his family (who I never met prior to the holiday) and I had both a fun time and a horrible time. The family was so nice and giving and accommodating but on the inside I was a mess. My anxiety was out of control. I barely ate one plate of food at dinner because my anxiety gave me an acidic and nauseous stomach (and I didn't bring my Pepcid) though I had two slices of chocolate pie afterwards and a lot of water. Then when it came time to sleep, I got my own room and I set the temperature to my usual temp, turned on the fan (can't sleep without it) and my soundmaker for my tinnitus and still I didn't fall asleep until 4 am and then got a horrible nights sleep. Now I'm back at my apartment in my bed relaxing so I can recover from all of that and I'm not anxious about my anxiety going away. I haven't taken Xanax for over three months (though I was never dependent on it and took it only as needed a few times a month) and now I'm thinking about getting more from my psych because this is ridiculous.
  13. Dear me, Thank you for taking initiative and getting people together to help tackle your senior project this up coming school year.
  14. My mother was the sole person who raised me after she kicked my father out when I was 8 and that's when I first got diagnosed by the court assigned therapist with depression. Nothing was done about it. As I grew up I knew how to deal with it or ignore it. My mom loved me more back then. But things are different now and my depression and anxiety are way out of control and I don't think she actually loves me as much anymore. It's almost as if she sees me as a different person or just a broken thing that she's shackled to to take care of because I'm not financially independent as of yet. With one breath she will praise me for being a nice person, a caring and smart person. The next she will put me down, tell me that maybe she'll just leave me out on the road and I can find my own way back home or that she'll cancel my medical insurance and let me deal with the government fees. When I ask her to stop saying something or doing something to me because it makes me uncomfortable or makes my thoughts go to a bad place she antagonizes me and threatens to abandon me. She constantly reminds me how much my depression, anxiety, and various health problems (some of them have been lifelong and chronic) cost her and have cost her in the past. It makes me feel not only like a burden but a horrible person. It makes me want to cry because I love her and I don't want to do that to her. She was supposed to have a nice happy life after all she went through in her childhood and instead she got me and this. I feel like even though she is being the problem, I feel like I am a problem or THE problem. If only I were healthier, if only I were stronger, if only I were better, then she'd be happy and love me like she used to again. I know I'm not the perfect person. I can be lazy sometimes especially on bad days where depression doesn't want to let me get anything accomplished. I have a moment or two everyday where I break down and cry. I sometimes get lonely and emotionally unstable when I wake up in the middle of the night and go ask if she can just give me a real hug or lay with me for awhile because I have no one else. I get frustrated because she has a new dog that I was and am expected to help take care of when I came home this summer and as much as I think the dog is cute, she doesn't always mind and it does make me upset and whenever the dog does something wrong, I get yelled at. I'm not the perfect daughter by any means but I thought I was okay. Never did drugs, alcohol, never drove incorrectly, never stayed out too late or lied about where I was going. Never had sex or a boyfriend for that matter. I wasn't the best but I think I was okay. I just don't understand why my mother has to treat me this way. I don't know how I can explain to her that what she does is hurtful and that I really am trying and that it's just really hard day to day and I don't always win my daily battles. She has caused me a lot of pain and I don't know how to fix it or myself.
  15. I finished up some work for my internship today, even though I cried the entire time and my anxiety was and still is through the roof. I just kinda wish I could go see fireworks but that'll never happen in my lifetime again because they are too loud for me now. I miss having a good day on holidays...
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