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Everything posted by LegoLady

  1. LegoLady

    Just Angry

    Thanks Ratboy. I can totally relate. There was alcoholism in my family that no one talked about, and the person in question was extremely verbally abusive towards me and my mom when he was drunk, which was almost every day. I'm feeling a little more in control now. I'm on a few different medications that make it a little harder to control the rage at times, but I got to talk it out with some friends and finally told people what went on in my house when I was a kid. There was a lot of neglect there and I was constantly denied attention, affection, praise, all the stuff kids need to develop normal social skills and self-worth. The second I was old enough to do any given task on my own, I was on my own. Any request for help or if I needed something done was either denied or done begrudgingly while I was told I was being selfish for having normal human needs. And on top of that I was called stupid and a loser and helpless on almost a daily basis. They told me that "the real world" was a cold-hearted place where no one would ever care about my needs and that I should just get used to doing everything. And on top of that, when I had anxiety and depression as a teenager, they denied that depressive disorders even existed because it would be inconvenient for them for me to be suffering from mental illness.
  2. LegoLady

    Just Angry

    What is freaking me out is that I'm not normally an angry person at all. I was depressed for so long it's like I didn't even experience a full range of emotions and I have moods now that I don't even know how to deal with.
  3. LegoLady

    Just Angry

    I've been working really hard to fight my depression since I finally got professional help for it last year. I'm on Zoloft and I've been going to therapy and doing behavioral therapy at home, and generally I'm doing pretty well... but I'm getting to this point where I'm just mad all the time. And it's not like irrational anger, it's anger and resentment that I bottled up most of my life for being treated unfairly by my family and others just for being me (mentally different, female, creative, a tomboy, etc.). And now people will tell me things in their life that are bothering them and I'll get angry for them because it reminds me of what I went through. On some level this is all good because anger is somewhat empowering, but it's starting to freak me out and make me not want to go to work because I'm afraid I'll fly off the handle about something. I'm going to talk to my therapist on Thursday, but I was wondering if anyone else got to this point in therapy. It's just kind of overwhelming and scary because I don't know how long I'm going to be this mad. I spent all weekend stewing about it and I talked to my husband about it and he is being super awesome and supportive, but I still have moments where I just want to scream. I almost feel like group therapy might be a good idea right now. Most of my friends are really busy with finals at school or work right now and I just need to have an evening talking it through with somebody. Other than that I don't know what to do.
  4. Thanks for the replies btw. I'm feeling a little better today. I just want to add because it's kind of weird - my cat is on anti-depressants also. A lot has changed the last few months and he is having trouble adjusting and is acting out because he is upset. They seem to calm him down, but I'm kind of worried that he is sleeping too much. Maybe it will take time with him just like it takes time in humans. So yeah, me and my cat... adventures in medication.
  5. I got the dry mouth and dehydration again for a while, but it seems to be improving. Unfortunately my mood has been pretty down the last few days, and my energy level is very low. I just want to be asleep or doing nothing all the time. I was pretty productive last week by comparison. I guess I just have to deal with the ups and downs for a while. I hope the medication levels that out soon. It's frustrating feeling better for short periods and feeling hopeful and then getting depressed all over again.
  6. The doc upped my dose. I started 50mg on Thurs. I didn't feel very good yesterday (a little queasy) but other than that I haven't noticed a huge difference between 25mg and 50mg so far. I just hope I continue improving like I was last week.
  7. Tell your family that you are sick and need help and that you're not going to get better without their support. Don't torture yourself about what you are getting done day in and day out even if they criticize you - focus instead on getting the help that you need. If you can get help that works for you, then you will eventually have the energy to do the regular things that you need to do. If you were functioning normally, it wouldn't be that hard. If you can get to a doctor or a psychologist and get a diagnosis of depression or a prescription for an anti-depressant or something like that, it may help convince your family that you truly have a mental illness that is making things difficult for you. Support will help make it easier for you to do things and recover from your depression, not criticism, and sometimes it is really hard to explain that to people. If you have a family that doesn't get it and doesn't believe you when you say you have a problem, you aren't going to get anywhere, but it's harder for people to argue with a doctor. You can even take them to a therapy session with you and that might help. What helped me explain my condition to my family was I had them read the comic Hyperbole and a Half "Adventures in Depression". Strangely enough, that comic sums everything up so well and explains it in a way that is easier for people who haven't experienced it to understand. Depression is one of the most misunderstood illnesses in the world because everyone thinks they get it because they were sad for a while one time and that it's the same thing when it isn't. Most people don't know what anhedonia is and have never experienced feeling like a robot or not being able to eat because you are so apathetic you don't see the point of eating. When I finally got through to my mom about it, she was going on and on about how I should do things that I enjoy to make me feel better, and finally I just said "I CAN'T enjoy the things I used to enjoy. Brains work by sending chemical signals, and my brain is not sending the enjoyment signal anymore."
  8. I work at a high school and I find that sometimes the kids, especially the girls, make me nervous because I have bad memories of being that age and being treated badly by other girls. Everyone acts like kids are so sweet and innocent, but everyone who was bullied knows that children and teenagers can be extremely cruel because they haven't developed normal adult levels of emotional maturity or empathy yet. I think you may want to seek therapy and bring this up if you see it as a big problem, but I can definitely understand where you are coming from.
  9. I just started Zoloft at 25 mg a little over 2 weeks ago. Here are my observations for anyone who may be starting - - I had no nausea or highly unpleasant physical side effects. I do feel that I am sweating and getting dehydrated at a faster rate than normal, and I have had a little trouble sleeping, but it hasn't been extreme or anything. - 1 week after starting, I experienced HELLISH depression with crying spells and anxiety for about 2 days. I wasn't feeling good physically those days and it was incredibly hot where I live, so that probably contributed to feeling awful, but dear lord it was unpleasant. - After that weekend of horrible depression, I started feeling better and I have been mostly improving since then. I had a cold this weekend and felt a little more down than during the week, but in general I am feeling less hopeless than I was before I started taking it. I have another doctor's appointment on Thursday, and I think they will probably up my dosage to 50mg then. So far I think what I have experienced starting out seems consistent with what a lot of people report when they start, getting the wave of anxiety and depression before it starts to get better. Yesterday, even though I didn't feel great physically because of my cold, I managed to shower, brush my teeth, go grocery shopping, play with my cats, do my laundry (including the sheets!) and put everything away, AND clean my bathroom counter. That is nothing short of miraculous for me. I haven't had a day that productive in over 3 months. It wasn't easy and it did tire me out, but I was still able to do it.
  10. The Zoloft is starting to work, so I'm less sad, but I also have a cold, so I feel gross. And it's 100 and humid out today - bleh. Still managed to get out of the house at one point and go to the grocery store for more Sudafed though, so I'll call that a victory for the day.
  11. Thanks, I will definitely bring this up with my therapist. I think some of the problem is that I don't often come into conflict with people, so it's hard to "practice" standing up for myself when the opportunity doesn't arrive very often. I'm glad you were able to improve. It is really hard coming from that type of environment.
  12. I've had that happen at work a few times. Luckily I work with my mom at our family business half the week, and it was there and not at my other job. She just let me go home.
  13. That sounds like depression to me, but what you should really do is see a therapist. Since you have had a considerably traumatic incident in your life, they probably will not assume you have a clinical problem right off the bat, especially if you never had symptoms this severe prior to this loss you suffered. However, life events can trigger major depressive episodes, so it could be you have a clinical problem that has been exacerbated by this loss. If it were me, I would try therapy first and talk to a doctor about at least having some blood work done to rule out a physical problem like thyroid dysfunction that can cause similar symptoms. Then if you still can't move on and are struggling after a while maybe look into medication.
  14. I'm not autistic, but I can definitely relate to not being believed or taken seriously when you say you are suffering. It's especially obnoxious when it comes from a doctor. I think maybe you should write down what it feels like and show it to them like Callie says. You seem to express yourself pretty well here. They should know better if they are doctors that you don't show signs of pain the same way that most people do, and you should make sure that is perfectly clear for them by writing it down.
  15. Since I started therapy I've been thinking about the reasons I have depression now, and while I definitely think I have a genetic tendency for depression, I also think part of it comes from my dysfunctional childhood. I lived with my grandparents as a kid, and my grandfather was emotionally unavailable and verbally abusive towards me my whole life. I had some problems with my grandmother as well, where she would try to make me feel guilty all the time and like I was a huge burden on the family, but my grandfather was far worse. My grandmother didn't always make me feel like that on purpose, whereas my grandfather went out of his way to hurt my feelings and criticize me. He would make fun of me and laugh at me, and call me stupid or a loser, or say I was helpless. He thought that because I am a creative person who wanted to go into the arts that I would never do anything of value because it wasn't his field (science/math). He was an alcoholic and he would drink and try to start arguments with various people in the family just for his own amusement. If you said anything critical of him or called him out for being horrible, he would have a huge fit and say he was going to move out of the house. So basically everyone would just ignore everything he said all the time. I remember my friend coming over and being blown away at how no one responded to half the statements he made because we all hated him so much and we knew that we weren't allowed to fight back when he was being abusive and cruel. So basically I don't know how to have a conflict with someone because I was taught to just ignore everything. I can't stand up for myself, all I can do is just pretend it's not happening. I feel very uncomfortable if someone is angry with me, so I never fight back because I have this paralyzing fear of people getting mad at me and never speaking to me again or retaliating in some awful way. I have no idea how to get over this.
  16. Did pretty good up until an hour ago, I had some energy and got some stuff done at work. Now I'm on break and I'm feeling that sadness and regret sneaking their way in again. I don't know what it is about late afternoon and early evening that brings the crying and anxiety.
  17. I am going to be telling my boss that I'm going through some "health issues". He's a really nice guy and I think it will help to get me some time off for doctor's appointments and stuff. But I don't think I am going to tell him that it is specifically mental health-related. I don't know if it would be a good idea. I'm sure he wouldn't tell anyone else and that he would be understanding, but I'm trying to err on the side of caution. Have you told your boss about your mental health problem? What happened? I'm curious.
  18. I do that anyways, so it wouldn't be noticeable if I was getting that.
  19. Virtual hugs from me. Welcome to the forum, I know what you're going through as I'm sure most of us do.
  20. It's only been a week since I started, but yesterday I felt normal for a few hours. It was so weird, like I almost forgot what it feels like to have energy and be in good spirits.
  21. I definitely do that as well where I don't eat enough for a while because I don't care and then when I am feeling a little better and I feel I've got the opportunity to eat and it's not a chore, then I eat way too much, and it's usually food that's not that good for me.
  22. Yeah, for some reason I start feeling overwhelmed around 4. Like 5 or 6 is when I'm most likely to have a crying spell. Or sometimes when I'm having breakfast. I don't know why it always seems to be one of those two times during the day (or sometimes both).
  23. Just wondering what other people's eating habits are like. I find that some days, actually a lot of days I have no desire to eat anything, but I have to when my stomach growls because I start to feel sick, so I end up eating whatever sounds like it might taste good. So that means I either don't eat enough or I eat stuff that's not overly good for me a lot of the time. I'm trying to get enough vegetables and fruit. The fruit is easier to get down than the veggies, but I can usually manage a little carrots and celery. I eat a lot of juice smoothie type things because those feel less like eating. It really sucks because I used to be so into food. I used to cook all the time, and I loved it. But now I can't bring myself to make anything. The only thing I eat that I actually look forward to are these yummy egg sandwiches that the coffee shop by my work makes. The girl who works there comes over and brings them to me and puts coffee in my mug, it's nice. Sometimes she brings me free cookies too if she knows I'm really sad that day. So I don't know, maybe it has more to do with the human contact than the food, but I like those egg sandwiches.
  24. I started going because my family urged me to. I have a lot of grieving and loss to deal with and I tend to never talk about it.
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