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sittinginadarkroom

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  1. I know this might be a silly question to ask, especially on here. It doesn't help that I've been diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder for several years now. This past week, I have been sleeping on average 20+ hours a day, with only a few hours awake to eat, use the bathroom, feed my cat, and try my best to be social and take care of as many responsibilities as I possibly can before I crash. I reason this isn't depression mostly because this has become so normal to me that I cannot seem to tell the difference anymore. I have no energy for anything, not even to finish watching my favorite tv show, reading my favorite books, or even getting up. The only reason I do get up is so that my roommate (aka my best friend) and her mom don't think I am dead. This happens every year around this time. My dad thinks I just go into a normal hibernation phase and it's just what young adult girls do. I have lost nearly all of my appetite which is a good thing because I am still trying to lose more and more weight. Not too much though, otherwise, I won't be able to return here for a very long time. However, when I do wake up, I often times become ravenous and seek a food frenzy, as low calorie as I can make it. Well, as of today, I am getting back onto my tea habit again, not only to help me lose more weight, but also to lift myself out of this possible depression with some natural caffeine. So, I ask you my fellow internet friends, am I depressed? or is this just a possible "hormone imbalance/it's all in my head" kind of thing?
  2. How are you doing?

    1. sittinginadarkroom

      sittinginadarkroom

      I am recovering from a concussion I sustained in a car accident on Dec 13. Other than that, I am very depressed because I lost my home and my dog. I am currently living with my best friend, but everything still feels like such a blur. If I were to cry, I would probably lose half my body weight in tears, which wouldn't be a bad thing. Becuase I am living with her now, I am not allowed to lose any weight past 100lbs. It has been chickening me on the inside but I am trying to fight it with all the skills I learned in therapy. Thank you for caring Zdude954. Your compassion gave me hope and for that I am eternally grateful. How are you? I hope you are well and enjoying the holidays. Thank you!!!

    2. zdude954

      zdude954

      I am glad to see you made it past your two month plan. I was checking every once and a while to see if you had gotten one, but then I still had no way of knowing if you where going to make it or not. It's good to hear that your ok coming out of the car crash. I hope that the therapy is helping you deal with your pains. Don't listen to the scale when you see that number anyway it lieing to you. What it says has nothing to with how pretty you are. I am glad to hear that your living with a friend that seems to care about you. I am sorry about your house and your puppy.

      How am I? Well the easy way to put it is I want to be dead. I still hate myself very very much, nothing I have done helped with anything it made somethings worse. I am not going to therapy of any kind nor will I, no doctors, no one will a medical license of any kind. I did have a good holiday it is/was very short. Now that it is over with I still don't want to continue into the next year.

  3. Just wanted to see how your doing today?

  4. This just brought me to tears. I am crying as I type this and am trying my best not to. I cry because you don't even know me and yet care so much. I am forever grateful for all your kinds words. I am especially grateful for you Zdude954, Hartree, Natasha1, and Tungsten. You guys didn't have to reply, you didn't have to care enough to respond. But that is why I am crying right now because you did. Thank you for caring and for replying to my post. I did not believe or think anyone would reply or care enough to. You guys are a rare gem because most people I know don't care at all. My parents never did, my friends either have their own problems, are too busy, or have other friends they would rather be with. Over the years, I learned to accept not having anyone to care but myself. But I don't think I can care alone anymore. And I doubt I am worth it. There are many other people on here who need support, well, we all do. But since I am going to disappear soon, I don't want to take away from you or anyone else on here that could use this care. I will never forget all of your words. Zdude954, you are not a monster, not in the slightest, a monster could never write something so beautiful that it made me seriously question things like when you mentioned whether I would think someone was lying if they said I was beautiful. I think I am too far gone to tell if they are or not, especially when the number on the scale tells me otherwise. Still, I cherish the forever rose and hope you know you are one too. Hartree, I never thought about this either, all those historically amazing women were beautiful in their own right. I only know what a few look like, but they were beautiful in every way especially that they probably believed in their beauty and fought for it. I will never be as brave as them, but I bestow upon you that bravery. Natasha, I am sorry you went through something similar to this in the past and I am glad you are still here. Unfortunately, my condition can't be helped and am beyond saving. Because of this, I feel that I would be ok with my passing if I did so at my goal weight. And I also want to thank you for letting me PM you, I don't know what I would say and to be honest, I probably won't only because I don't want to bother you or take up your time. I have learned time is the most precious resource we all have, and it should not be wasted on me. Yet, I am still grateful for you. Tungsten, it was when I got to your post that right after reading it I just broke down in tears. I really never thought anyone would care, and the truth is you cared enough to respond. I am sorry for violating the guidelines with the numbers and thank you for editing that out as I don't want to trigger others who might read this. It really just shocks me that you all care and don't even know me whilst there are people who do know me and couldn't give a damn. I am lucky for all your replies and wish you all the best! I don't want to disappoint you all but I don't want to lie either, I am really done with food and will cease eating until my passing in two months. It will be ok. Now that I know you care...Thank you! <3
  5. My expiration date is coming up. And I just want to go out beautiful and skinny. After skipping dinner last night, I am motivated and determined to continue skipping meals and saying no to food. I don't need and nor do I want it by any means. Food disgusts me, and as a gluten-free vegan, my choices are somewhat limited. The obstacles along the way are mountainous. No matter how "hungry" I am, I will not eat. I want to feel hungry, I want to hear the bottom of my stomach rumble like a thunderstorm, I want to see my bones protrude, and look at food and be strong enough to not give into its wasteful purpose. Food shall not be wasted on me. Whatever food I have, I will donate to someone in greater need. I welcome all the stomach growls, the smaller number on the scale, the looseness of my clothes, and feeling light as a feather. My last meal is a cup of Yogi skin detox tea. I am happy to starve and reach my goal and In two months, I will disappear, and I will do so looking gorgeous. No more food, kein essen. I am done. My only "food" will be the tea I drink everyday to appear relatively sane and normal. Until then, I will stay strong and I will prevail. And I will not "slip up." Either. No more food!
  6. It is selfish of me to want someone to care, especially when I don't care about myself. I will continue to do my work and be there for others. But in everything I do, I don't want to think about myself. I usually don't, as I have been told I am to selfless. Honestly, I could offer my help way more than I already. I need to not feel. I was so close to mastering that over the 8 years that I have been depressed, until 2 nights ago when I came home and just broke down crying as soon as I entered my room. Yesterday, I cried on the train ride home, which was incredibly embarrassing for everyone to see and awkward for the people sitting next to me. Then when I got home, I did some homework but couldn't finish. Instead, I skipped dinner, went to bed, and surprisingly cried myself to sleep. I have only cried myself to sleep when I was younger and during high school. When I was younger, I would cry myself to sleep due to the horribly painful insomnia I had. During high school, no matter how tired I was, and I was beyond exhausted due to severe chronic sleep deprivation, I just could not fall asleep. It was painful to lay in bed in pain trying to get at least a few hours of sleep before having to wake up at 5am to work and long and hard day of school. Knowing and feeling this, I just cried. I haven't cried this much in over half a year. The scary part is, I don't want to stop. And I don't know if I can. Life is miserable for me and for almost everyone I know. Everything is and the outlook is extremely bleak shrouded by eons of Debt! I cannot afford to live anymore, nor do I want to. But then again, that goes back to what I was saying earlier; I don't want to want Anything! Wanting anything, food, attention, a break, is selfish of me. I don't deserve to want and won't allow myself to! The only thing I really truly do want and will starve myself to get to is to die. I think about how much I want and need to die, how much I should, and how much better off everything would be, and then I start crying and feel selfish for doing so. I need to stay empty and mindless, only doing what I should, overworking to deserve the rest of my days, and most importantly, Don't Eat! I can do this, I do not and should not eat anything anymore. Its a pity that all the food in my kitchen will go to waste, but I will probably just donate it to someone in need. I don't want to want or need anything. I just need to disappear. I don't want anyone to notice me once I am gone, and it won't matter anyways. I know how I may go out with this new plan, it will take about 2 months for me to succeed. I am already at 101lbs. I need to lose 20 more to reach my goal. No one will know and no one should care. I am just another name, another face in the crowd. I am nothing and that is what I will always be. My only solace is the loneliness that has befriended me all these years. I will die skinny. I will Drop Dead Gorgeous with no one to notice. And its only a matter of time. I just want to suffer alone. I just want to disappear. Then I will be nothing and wanting and needing things will cease.
  7. Hi Devin, I was diagnosed with OCD and Bipolar 1. I just recently got prescribed Latuda for both, mainly for the depressive episode I am in. It is used for OCD seldomly, usually in cases that involve treatment-resistant patients. I don't know the totality of your situation, but I hope that it helps you. I just started it and it is too soon to report any real changes. It should help us though, as I really hope it well. Best, Sitting In A Dark Room
  8. I don't expect anyone to understand just how badly i am struggling in secret. Inanimate objects know me better than any human. 

  9. I need to believe I am not too broken for this New Year. Otherwise, it will all be in vein.
  10. New Year, new me, right? Wrong. As much as I try to break away from my past self, as much as I try to re-emerge anew for the first time in 7 years, I am only beat with its burdens. Which is understandable, because this will be the hardest year of my life. It takes all your hard work, all your persistence, it takes everything out of me to break out of this molded cast that I've been stuck in for far too long. So even though I'm always exhausted no matter how much sleep I get, even though I am severely depressed no matter how many drugs I take, even though I am dying no matter how much I try to live, I must keep moving on! Now is the time I must redeem myself for past failures. I failed my fall semester that just passed, and got placed on academic probation. Not because I'm dumb. I'm normally on the Dean's List. It's because I let my Depression win, and too many times I've fallen over the edge, with no safety line to pull myself back up. I carry the weight of my past and future on my shoulders, trudging on to the finish line and back again. This rat race never ends. And it's survival of the fittest so you have to want to win. This spring semester, I will re-emerge with flying colors, even though its hard for my depressed brain to visualize outside the grey lens, I will achieve all that I set out to do. Not because I have said it before and then failed, not because I am on academic probation, not because I am getting older and need to do better than my peers, not because of anyone or anything other than myself. I cannot move on unless I have accomplished all that I set out to do. I constantly remind myself of all the people who need me now and in the future. My family, my friends, my peers, my patients, my pets, all my loved ones, that girl who cuts herself in the bathroom stalls during lunch, that guy who binges and purges his breakfast every morning, that dude who smokes and cries away to sleep every night, that old me who would pray every day not to wake up again, for all those suffering who I know I can help, I need to be there for them because no one was there for me. I know that it's worth it, it's just a matter of 'keep going'. Now I am building that safety line. I feel weaker than I did but more motivated than I ever have. I am determined to succeed, to carry all my skeletons into the light, to step out of the valley of shadows, to re-emerge anew, All because "If I work myself to death, at least I tried."
  11. Dear Tim, Thank you for those encouraging words. I encourage all of us to keep going, never back down, and live to fight another day. I wish you all the best Tim! Much strength, Sitting In A Dark Room
  12. Dear Vega57, Thank you so much for your reply. I truly appreciate and thank you for your care and support. You are so very right in your statement. It is pretty recent that I started to get better and I should stay on this upwards and onwards path of improvement, as I would encourage anyone else to do. It may be extremely frustrating right now, but I know everything works out for a reason and all the best. As much as I want to join the military, I know I have to focus on my improvement first. I still find it hard to see just how fragile life can be. For me personally, I thrive under pressure and produce my best results under those conditions. I still look forward to joining the military in any way I can. And joining would also be a part of my recovery, as I would grow and become stronger with each passing day alongside them. I want to personally thank you for serving our country for 12 years, which is a lot of time. You are a real hero and don't let anyone tell you different. I hope many blessings come your way, as I hope for all of us. All in all, thank you for your reply. I will try my best to stay on the path of improvement as I hope all of us do too. Please feel free to msg me or anyone on here for support as well. I am happy that I received advice from an honorable military person as yourself. Your efforts in reply to my post will not go unchecked. I wish you the best of luck! and hopefully one day I can join. Until next time, Take great care!!! Thank you, Sitting In A Dark Room
  13. Dear Blake, You are so very welcome. Never hesitate to contact me or reach out to anyone who supports you. I am so very glad to see that you are giving it another chance. That is very brave and strong of you. That is truly an accomplishment to be proud of, even if it may seem quite minor to you. Your future self will be very grateful. And Almost Happy 18th Birthday Blake!!! Congrats! You are almost there. I know the words "You are almost there" can be quite daunting to hear, at least it was for me when I was turning 18. Everyone told me it gets better. But the years went by and it never really did until recently. As annoying as it may be, it is true, You are almost there. And as your rite of passage comes with that newfound respect that your family, friends, loved ones, and peers will give you. My mom was like that too, except I was never allowed to go out. I'm sure if you try reasoning with your parents, both of you can reach an agreement. If you show them that you are maturing with your age, (I believe you are so you have my support), and speak a just argument advocating for your personal freedom, they should budge as it is vital to your development and worldly experiences. I'm sure they only want what is best for you and if you can convince them that having personal freedom is best, ask them to listen and they shall. I pray they do. Remain calm, collected, and prepared. Assure them that you have a plan to avoid harm of any kind and show them the precautions you will enact. They will take you seriously because they have to if you present yourself that way. Once you turn 18, you are legally free to do as you please, so to speak, abiding by the laws of course :) All in all, Blake, I wish you the best of luck as you widen the scope of your experiences throughout your journey. If you start to feel similar to how you were before, like hopeless and lost, I hope you always find your way back to how you are know. You are strong and brave Blake. Not many people have the strength you do to keep going, it's truly applaudable and honorable. I also want to let you know that is ok to feel like how you did before. I should have said that sooner. You are in a safe and supportive place, always. You are free here. But as always, "With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility." Try and try again, as we all must keep going, never give up on the things you want to fight for, especially because one day you may not be as strong as you are now to fight. Fight for another day and I wish you all the best of luck Blake. I'm sure your family and friends are proud of you, even if it's hard to see it or hard for them to show it. Keep going and stay strong!!! All the best, Sitting In A Dark Room
  14. I want to spend this year going up, imparting my wisdom and defeating stigmas to help evolve an ever changing world. My setbacks are opportunities for greatness, forever 21, living on the border of "caring too much and not giving a ****."

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