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Alcohaulin

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  1. Thank you all for the feedback. I was struck by the the "plain Jane" reference because I've sometimes wondered if I tend to go for women out of my league and I'm inadvertently missing out on a lot of potential great people. It doesn't feel like I am but on the other hand perhaps I'm blind to it. I certainly have a "type" and prefer plain jane in a way, because I tend not to be attracted to women who have a classy or dolled up look. I love a girl in jeans and t-shirt who doesn't wear a lot of makeup, hair simply pulled back in a pony tail or something. Having said that maybe I'm picky. If I am how do I get over that? How does one become less picky and allow themselves to be attracted to people they typically wouldn't be attracted to? It sounds like an impossibility. Personality goes a long way too. Having a smily, bubbly personality is attractive for me even if an objective person might rate a woman physically average. Something about a smile and sincere kindness and humor and I tend to be momentarily smitten. It happened as I was picking up dinner the other night- the cashier. I think at this point I'm so down on myself and so afraid of rejection I'm frozen. I am terrified of putting myself out there and getting that contemptuous look and a "I have a boyfriend" whether it's true or not. Maybe I just need to get over that and be comfortable with going through a bunch of rejection to find that one "sure, I would love to go on a date with you." That's one step. I can worry about the possibility of getting dumped later lol
  2. I feel the need to get this off my chest and hopefully get some support. I journal every now and then but of course my journal doesn't talk much. Basic info: male, single, mid 30's, living in midwest medium size city, decent job and income, state university educated... lonely :-/ I realized today I have done it again- been "friendzoned." Not that it's bad or wrong to have female friends, it just hurts when you really like them. Really, it's not having a crush on a woman and having her not be interested back, it's the reminder of how unappealing I feel and how it feels I'm destined to be alone for life. The big picture I guess and my place in it. It's just so painful to be unwanted and undesirable. I am sure this girl knows how I feel as I am horrible at masking my feelings, they tend to be written all over my face, and I know she thinks I'm a sweet nice guy otherwise she would not have started a friendship with me or ask me to do things with her. It's kind of embarrasing and humilitating in a way. I have been in two relationships before, one for three years in my late teens through early twenties. This first girl dumped me and is now twice divorced, so I am confident she's not perfect either. The second hurt far worse when she left to pursue a graduate/professional degree in another state with the idea of a long distance relationshp and a return, only to find someone else and dump me via a phone call ten months later. I've been single for quite some time now. Years ago I had moved from a western state to the mid west to attend graduate school, leaving my parents, siblings, etc behind as well as childhood friends I had grown up with. The friends I went to graduate school with have almost all moved away, save but one, who actually finds herself in a similar situation and we still talk on occasion. Now I work and have some casual work friends I "hang out" with outside of work sometimes, but no close friends like I did when I was younger. It seems many people my age are married and have families. I'm also at the age where it appears many are getting divorced from their first spouse and hoping for another. This gives me some hope, but I admit I am frightened to enter into a relationship with someone where I will also need to take on children who might hate me and deal with an ex-husband. I fill my time with work, working my full time job, a part time job, and some seasonal academic jobs. I purchased a home large enough for a family and used the bedrooms for an office, workout room, music room, and a spare guest room (even though nobody ever uses it). When that was done I spent time and money making it into what I thought would be a cool bachelor pad with an extended patio and firepit in the back yard, and a pool table and a nice bar area in the basement complete with mini fridge etc and television on the wall above the bar. I imagined fun parties with other single guys and maybe even some women, and I could become the stud bachelor married men envy. Now the pool table and fire pit sit unused, and the bedrooms I filled with things I enjoy I just wish were filled with toys, kids, and little laughter. I do use the bar area though, which may be becoming another issue. Back to how I feel about myself specifically though, and I really don't know how to feel. I see myself in the mirror and I don't think I'm particularly ugly. I am no Jake Ryan but I'm okay. I am fairly short which I sometimes feel takes away from my overall attractiveness, but I am well proportioned and also work out regularly so I am in shape. I do not have a confident charming personality, I don't feel. I get along with most everyone though, and as far as I can tell people like me and enjoy my company, but I don't have that confident edge that women find stimulating and interesting. I can be funny but it takes awhile for me to be comfortable enough around new people to throw out witty statements. In general women don't seem to avoid me, but don't seem to go out of their way to show me they are interested either. I have been turned down before, or given the wrong phone number, so I have been officially rejected, but usually my interactions with women (other than official job tasks/duties) take the form of very casual conversation or, when they want to be close, I am the shoulder to cry on and it is typically about their relationship issues. I have often recalled one female friend talking with me about a male co-worker who she felt she could tell anything to because she was so unattracted to him that it felt safe for her. Now, while it's a bit odd that she told me that, I wonder if I am the same type of guy- the "really unnatractive friend type" or something similar. This most recent woman, a co-worker, has confided in me about issues with her parents, sibling, and of course her boyfriend who dumped her not that long ago. On a number of occasions I have had to close the door to my office so she could have a good cry and get it all out. It's nice to be trusted, but I have found myself wanting to be her "white knight" and save her. She has completely evoked a desire to rescue, take care of, and hold her and tell her it's going to be okay. While sometimes I have wondered if she wants me to, other times she has said things regarding how she doesn't put much effort into looking good for work because "what's the point, I'm not interested in anyone here" leading me to think otherwise. I never get any compliments from her, even when I provide them to her about her work, ideas, etc. It just seems one sided so I am never going to take a risk by saying anything or asking for an official date, even though we occasionally do things together. It's hard to see married men and their pretty wives who seem completely devoted to them. It's also difficult, as shallow as it sounds, to see single men "score" with single women, even though I see it less and less now that I'm in my thirties versus my twenties. I do notice though, and it makes me wonder why it doesn't happen to me, and why I'm so sexually irrelevant to women. I feel more and more lonely all the time. I drink more than I used to, especially when not staying busy with work. Basically if I'm home and I've worked out, and have nowhere to go, I'm drinking. Sometimes I will take some prescription medication, or even snort illegal drug, that a prior coworker is happy to sell to me. Other than smoking some pan in high school and a bit in college, I have not done illegal drugs so it worries me a little but at the same time I find myself not caring. I feel less motivated to do things and feel more and more hopeless about finding someone special. I feel like giving up and sometimes my eyes fill with tears as I drive on the freeway toward home on a Friday, knowing I have nothing to do for an entire weekend and nobody special to share my life with. I just don't know...I don't know...
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