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Fenrir_devours_himself

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About Fenrir_devours_himself

  • Birthday 04/23/1985

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    Male
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    California

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  1. So... I dunno exactly how to put this and I'm kinda fearing the backlash as when I've done similar things before I get yelled at, but I may have used nail polish remover to get a high. I'm not currently trying to **** myself but I can't ever seem to get away from trying to escape. Usually I use garden shrub or drink but I'm dead broke with no job and I really don't feel like sitting around upset with myself right now. Is there anything possibly that is safe to get me away from the world to a bit? Or someway that I can try to reconnect parts of my brain to not want to seek these things out? garden shrub and alcohol I will continue I just want to get away from all the easily accessible that really messes up my brain.
  2. I have seen this side too in my mom. For her it usually helped to talk things out with people. Exactly who, is merely who you are more comfortable opening up to.
  3. I have felt this way before too. I'm not sure exactly anymore when it has come or gone but same happened to me when I lost my best friend's dad. I can see pros and cons to feelings, but the larger implications for becoming a type one civilization, etc I think calls for feelings. But I won't go into all that right now.
  4. I feel numb, but am crying as I listen to my favorite music. Trying to work on my ish.
  5. This has been a relatively new thing for me even though the rest of my symptoms have been present throughout my life. Not really sure what to do with it. Makes me incredibly restless and disappointed in myself. I guess that's a good thing that I can feel disappointed in myself rather than nothing at all? I dunno.
  6. Hey there, I just saw this after my last post. I have been "feeling" this way more and more lately. It's "frustrating"? I'm not sure what word to use there. Many people always tell me that it's based off circumstance and that everyone goes through things. I know that there is a larger reason behind this, but cannot afford therapy or psychiatry, but it's tough to get motivated to help yourself when there is a lack of emotion behind you and you rarely care if you are alive the next day. (not suicidal currently, just lack of self-preservation)
  7. Ever notice how you can be happy, sad, angry, scared, whatever, one minute, and shortly after you are still in that situation and just don't feel anything? I recognize this should annoy me (not feeling things) but currently it just doesn't. I want to feel, but many times I just don't.
  8. As uneventful as it sounds, I woke up at a reasonable hour and actually ate today. The rest of the day was "wasted" trying to start working on designing my video game (never got the urge to get around to it) and watching the Colbert Report on Hulu
  9. So long story short, divorced last year, lost most of the things we shared. Lost my job back in June and haven't found another due to my depression. Finding it hard to get a good sleep schedule or really just do anything. Also, I now don't have a working phone for a job, but I digress. How do I find affordable help locally with no job and no money? I would really like to get this under control so I can keep a job or relationship the next time I feel like I want to pursue these things. I'm tired of the same patterns.
  10. Nazbro, I can understand similarly where you are coming from. We are all here for you and remember we care about you and would be sad if you chose a permanent solution. Some days can be more difficult than others and many of us have felt like this at one point or another, but you never fail until you stop trying.
  11. I've been making a bigger effort to reach out to a couple of my closer friends. I trust them, but there are times in my depression that I just don't feel like sharing, or I know what I want to say, but just physically can't get the words out. The latter is extremely frustrating.
  12. Thanks. It's just a really tough feeling to not care. Well, I care, but for other people, not my own stuff. I mean I have been through quite a bit in my life (divorce, house fire, abandonment, etc) but typically, that just made me feel like nothing could take me down. This seems to be taking me down from the inside.
  13. I just often wonder why it's so hard to turn to the people who claim to care. I don't feel like it is fear of judgement so much, but it's probably fear of something. I just don't want to burden people with something that doesn't seem nearly as bad as the rest of the problems in the world. Like, I just have that Wonka meme in my head. Oh you're depressed? Tell me more about how everyone feels like this sometimes. But it's more than that. It's not just being kinda sad or whatever.. but you guys know this. I dunno, just trying to figure it out I guess.
  14. I hear ya. I often have felt that way as well. They have grown accustomed to the version of me that I grew able to fake. This is another reason I find it difficult to tell them. I sometimes bring it up nonchalantly but it's either dismissed as a joke or just plain ignored.
  15. Hello. I am Nova. I have been feeling this way for a while in my life, but everything seemed to be healing within me as I got married. Then the divorce struck and everything came back even harder. At this point I can barely keep a job (not that I really could before, but especially now) and I keep having to jump from place to place to stay off the street due to my depression because most people just think I am lazy or don't care. I really want to give a s*** (excuse my cursing), but I just lack the ability to anymore. I used to very much enjoy video games or even creating them, and I find it hard to even find enjoyment in these activities anymore. What should I do? I can't afford to get to a therapist or psychologist and have very little in the way of family to help me out with this. I have friends that I am mildly close to, but mostly just when they see the masks and walls I put up. Only one of them kind of knows just how depressed I actually am and I feel really embarrassed bringing it up to people. I feel like other people have problems already, who needs to deal with mine? I find it easier to reach out to strangers ironically than my friends, probably cuz I'm messed up in more than one way, but I digress. Any thoughts on this really chaotic rambling?
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