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About flyflyTom

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  1. BeyondWeary, you are entirely right that my thoughts are probably far from truth. Only in a span of those 2-3 days am I starting to realise after a long while that I am actually happy with who I am, and I don't need anyone to consolidate it. (Even though those thoughts come back sometimes. Rattler6 you're also right that I tend to stick with just one girl that I go mad about, but that is also due to the fact that at one time I dated 2 girls going further and further, even though I haven't had sex with any of them it seemed kinda strange that I kissed both for example, and I felt kinda bad about it. Atra I've put it in wrong words to be honest. In fact I've got lots of girls that are my friends, and I don't mind, as long as I am the one who decides about making something a friendzone. What I wanted to refer to earlier, was a situation, where a girl that I am infatuated with decides that we should become friends. My pride gets hurt and I simply back off, after I get rejected. And whenever I attain success or move further with the girl, it makes me feel like a king of the world. On the other hand whenever I fail I find it extremely hard to tackle the defeat. So it might be that I am objectifying women. Nevertheless I wouldn't say I am selfish because after I get a really bumby ride at getting a girl, I know I will appriciate her. Thanks for your responses!
  2. Thank you for reading my post! My relationship ended because of problems in bed, from my side, I was trying to make it right so hard that at some point I we stopped having sex for a while, after I've decided to see a specialist we were practically done. We tried to revive the relationship. My ex even contacted me after a few months saying that she'd realised that it should not have been a problem and that she could not stop thinking about me, but after that I kinda screwed up because i wasn't ready for it. And about the situation. When I get infatuated, I put a girl on the pedestal and I start belitteling myself ( i am trying my best not to make it visible in any way) I've been infatuated 3 times over the course of these 2 years past the breakup, and so far none of them worked out making me feel like I am just not able to somehow keep my infatuation in check, and reach a relationship level. The third time is now. The girl I wrote about texted me first in the end casually. Now I am afraid that If I don't kiss her soon, I might get friendzoned, but then again I am not sure whether i should give it more time. We've been to two dates so far, and frankly speaking, all my previous approches to girls started with the kiss (not talking only about infatuation cases) I haven't been friendzoned in my life because I don't allow it. But in conclusion, after I fail to make the girl realise how lucky might she be to have me xD I suffer for a long time, and I am afraid that at some point this might turn into an obstacle for me to trust women.
  3. I have a pretty decent life, I honestly should not complain because I've got a loving family, I've got a lot of friends, and I keep developing. I am on a right track to becoming a person I would like to be in the future BUT. I am constantly getting infatuated with girls, which eventually won't end up being with me. I haven't been in a relationship for 2 years now, and all that is left are old txt messages that seem as if they were written by someone else. The thing is that I've moved on from my past relationship, but now that I am infatuated with a girl, constantly analyzing and judging whether I've made the right move, I really find some peace when I look through the old txts. My ex was beautiful, and it always makes me proud to feel she was mine, and the way she cared... Nevertheless, about the girl i am interested in now. We've met couple of weeks ago on a promotion event, I initiated contact and we went to a concert. It was awesome, she was beautiful and talkative, we've danced until late night and then we parted ways. She came back to her hometown for winter holiday (2 weeks time), and we txted and talked on the phone ( mostly initiated by me, but not forced) Now that she is back, she also has shown some innitiative. We've met 2 days ago at the university and I proposed going out the same day, she said yes. we went to the ice rink and then to a bar. Yet again the day was awesome, we talked and we laughed, we had fun. The next day we met accidentaly at the university, and she even left her class in the middle for a few minutes and asked whether i wanted to hang out (i finished earlier). On that day I texted her in the evening and we had a normal converstaion ended with goodnight. yesterday she was going out with her friends because one of them had birthday, and the thing is she was going to a club which I promote on the main street, and she didn't stop by to get the invitations or say hi, and when we met at the club( i was with my friends) she didn't seem to be happy about it. Now I am here writing this post rethinking, re-analyzing everything we've done so far. I haven't kissed her so it only adds up to the fear. I know I am being needy, I am not going to show that but I am afraid that this will be over. I am going to talk to her casually today like nothing happened but I can't shake off this feeling that I am done for. It's not like I am forcefully looking for someone, but when that person appears, I would like to be able to keep her. I have tried a few times with other girls during the span of these 2 years and it has all failed. Everytime I encounter such a situation I feel like I am dying inside. Like I am unworthy of ever deserving the love I have once had. With each girl I am getting more and more afraid there's a fatum hanging over me. I am aware that there are countless people in worse situations than I am, but you know how it is. I hate myself for the mistake I am bound to make. I can;t somehow accept that they will help me develop. It hurts too much. My pride is in ruins. Thank you for reading
  4. Hey glfinding, and Epictetus Thank you very much for your responses despite of being in a difficult situations yourselves. Yesterday's evening, actually helped me a lot, but I am not entirely sure what has happened. I've cried a lot, and I was on the brink of bursting into tears many times throghout the day, but anyway I still decided to go to the gym with my friend. After the workout, i noticed my ex gf called me, so after a while i gave her a call back and she wanted... to hear my voice and ask what's up, I acted as if nothing had happened with a genuine satisfaction and happiness in my voice due to a good training, and also i was on my way to a party with my friends. I even invited her but she said that her parents just came back etc and she couldn't. anyway, it felt almost as if our talk in the morning didn't happen. She told me that I might be somebody who just fills the hole of loneliness, and i won't forget this sentence. It felt very strange because I didn;t know whether my good mood was due to my workout, or her being needy, or both. I am also not entirely sure whether her call was a cry of need, or just clearing conscience. I honestly can't follow this girl anymore. Was it a way for her to somehow clear her conscience? it didn't feel like it to be honest. For a few months I've been taking a hold of my life, the first time she dumped me, I've started working out, soon there will be 2 months when I actively go to the gym, I;ve also picked up playing guitar, and learned to play 2 songs so far. I've learned to cherish the moments I can just relax, and not think about my current situation as far as breakup is concerned. I struggle through pain just to finally get these moments. Just like you glfinding I try my best to notice the beauty of this world, to realise that there is an entire world full of women, and people in general. I will need some time though, but hopefully with my hard work everything will turn out fine. I will keep your offer about pm in my mind, thank you very much :). I also hope everything will turn out fine at your end Epictetus, it takes strenght to comfort somebody while being in a tough spot yourself, so I am grateful for your concern. I am starting to doubt that my relationship is worth saving. My heart won;t accept it though. Even after all she'd put me through, I still can't force myself to hate her. My therapist is a sexuologist, and she is aware of my situation with my ex, but it's been 3 weeks since I last saw her, I have a scheduled visit on Tuesday. Last time I talked to her i told her that everything was starting to be working out fine. Maybe she can shed some light on her my ex's mind works, and whether i can, should, or shouldn't keep her in my mind. Thanks for the support :)
  5. Sorry, but once in a while i hit the rock bottom, and feel utter need to spread my sadness wherever I can. My girlfriend broke up with me today, after we had tried reviving our relationship. the attempt lasted around a month. I was in a relationship with her for 1,5 years. We hooked up while she still had a boyfriend, although their relationship was in fact over long ago, the funny thing is, I almost ended up like that guy. Nevertheless, we were in love, for a year there has been only one reoccuring problem that is sex. Once in a while i would lose my erection, and my girlfriend would start crying, and get very upset, it made me feel guilty i developed performance anxiety, and out of fear of not being able to satisfy her, my body would lower my libido to 0. I am also a foot fetishist, i am seeing a therapist right now concerning this issue because for 23 years of my life i had the wrong idea about sexual life. When we started sleeping together, it was like a dream, at those times we actually felt closest, and everytime we'd say that we love each other, we could both feel it. In the midst of all what happened sex stopped giving us this feeling. We started to drift away from each other, when I had finally found courage to see a therapist about my situtation, she broke up with me the day before. After seeing a therapist, she gave me hope, she made me believe that my sex life can be normal. I gave my ex some time to rethink her decision, she came to a conclusion that we can give it a try, but she wants us to go very slow, and start dating again. I was happy with the idea, because i sincerely missed this feeling of suspense. To me, most feelings came back, once again I wanted to all the things we did at the beginning. Unfortunately after a week, she left for 3 days and contacted me only about the erasmus exchange we were supposed to have together, and our conversations would stop at that. After she came back she told me it might not be the best idea for us to go together. I fell down deep inside myself, I've decided then to let it go, and so i did. I decided to change the time, and a place of my erasmus direction, and in the end, we'd end up not seeing each other for a year part from holidays. Week later, when emotions stopped boiling, i asked her to turn back my stuff, when we met, she hugged me, and kept hugging me. We were happy to see each other. I was kissing her, hugging her, she was crying. I told her then that i don't care about the erasmus, we still had 5-6 months left to spend together if she'd like to try being together fo real. She agreed. this month has actually been great, we dated, we did our thing when we didn't see each other. It was yesterday that she finally invited me back to her place for supper, movie, and obviously sex. We were both terrified. After i confronted her what she thinks, she told me she was terrified, and that she doesn;t want to have sex. From that moment we both sighed because the tension was gone, we laughed, we hugged, we talked, we watched a movie. She would say that she feels most comfortable with me than anyone else. She asked me to stay over anyway, and so i did. in the morning she was silent. I asked whether she still wants to keep trying to make it work. She said she's not sure, and that she might have misjudged her feelings because all this might've been due to her fear of loneliness. I fell. I fell hard once again. I've had a 3 weeks holiday, only to get back to this hole. I don't believe I will find anyone like her. Someone that beautiful, someone who'd accept all my kinks differences, and love me for them. It was so genuine. There were times, when i though about breaking up as well, but i never did, never wanted to. Deep down I always believe that her love for me is still there. This pain is overwhelming me, I don't want to by a burden anymore, I don't want to suffer. Life has taken my mother from me when i was 12. I am doing my best to be a good person, I am always myself, I try to strive for more, yet I always get destroyed like this. Why can't she love me, why can't i love her is love really that feeling at the 1st 6 months of a relationship? because i don't believe there's anything else besides convenience after that anymore. I am sorry for making it this long, it is a still shoter version. I don't really believe anyone will stick till the end, maybe besides the administrator, but if you do, thank you. I wish this would all go away, i find comfort when i think about my death which is even worse.
  6. An issue of my faith is another thing. I would really love to believe that there is this just being, watching over me, but I can't. I tried many times over, and over again. I will take a closer look at the book you mentioned Grammiean. Also as I said earlier I feel like my father does not understand me. It was quite stunning to me considering the fact that I've heard from my mother(when she was drunk) that my father attempted suicide because of a girl... I don't know whether I can believe it, but most things she said about my father's family were true. Nevertheless thank you very much for support.
  7. I've been trying to love myself, but I just can't. I thought maybe if she were to do it, then maybe I would too. I did talk to a therapist, but she is new to this, young, I don't know. She managed to reach me once, but I wasn't so far down as I am now. My previous therapist moved out from my city. That is really unfortunate because she's made a change concerning me, she always made me want to talk. Thanks to her I am able to talk about my problems, I want to share them and I need to do this. The current therapist asked me whether I wanted to give up on her. I knew that i should, and that it would be the healthiest thing to do, but at the bottom of my heart I heard myself screaming NO! I don't want to give up!. She advised me to do what I feel is right, and I would eventually have nothing to regret since I did all I could. The thing is I always think of what I've done as "not enough". I can't accept the fact that it could not be my fault. So far letting go of anything has been the hardest thing that has ever come to me, especially if I hadn't gotten what I was craving for. I always have this thing at the back of my head, "what if?". I feel something taking a hold of me. I was ready to let go of this girl around 3 or 4 times. Moreover I knew exactly what would happen if I wouldn't. I stopped texting, communicating, but she would ignite the fire once again, and again, and again. I really though I could make a change. I'd like to ask you how could I make myself bielieve in me, start to love myself despite what has happened to me recently. How to cope with all this time. I realised that I might be one of the most impatient people I've ever met... Time is slacking, the positive feelings from running fade very fast, and it would be unhealthy to train everyday, and all the time from what I've read. I am sorry about your Mother Starsea. I haven't had anyone in my family struggling with a serious illness beside alcoholism, so I can't exactly relate or guess what you're going, or have gone through. Anyway I know for a fact that losing loved ones hurts, and changes us entirely. Stay Strong. Thank you
  8. Thank you very much for your responses. When it comes to understanding, I feel like noone can do it. I lost my mother due to a fire and her alcohol addiction. It's been 6 years, and it always comes back to me at times like this. I feel like only she could comfort me, understand me, make me believe that everything will be fine. I can't bring myself to believe my family or my friends. Moreover I managed to fail 3 exams which I'll have to retake in september. The odds are against me that is for sure. For a few months I've really managed to make a huge change. I started to jogg, I go out a lot, I practice playing guitar. In any other time I'd blow up from feeling proud of myself. But in spite of all the events, I can't appriciate myself. Truth be told running did give me some serenity, but yesterday I believe I've seen this girl with her friend in a park at my usual route. If by any chance she happens to leave this guy. I would love her to contact me, otherwise I would feel like it is pointless to even contact her in this matter. I get attached to wrong women too easily while ignoring the ones that could love me because I don't find them as attractive as others. I feel so shallow because of these thoughts. I am sorry for being a burden, and I am very grateful for your responses. I will hold onto your advices. Thanks
  9. Hello, It's been a while since I last posted here. Once again I feel the urge to do so. Please bear with me. Like the title says. Year of 2015 I meet a girl who is in a relationship with another guy so was I with another girl. I am not that stupid. I kept my distance for half of a year. Then the exams came, she approached me as always, cheery and asked me whether I would like to do an oral exam with her. I replied yes(still keeping my cool). From that moment forward, step by step I was looking for contact with her. I chatted with her online most of the time until that one time, when she proposed a meeting. Just like that.. We hung out, she told me she is on a break with her guy. I thought: hmmm, you've asked me out on a walk, and told me you are on a break, interesting. Chatting continued. I proposed another meeting. I did not work out due to her P.E. classes. From that moment my contacts with her were strange. I wrote her constantly for some time, then she would and it would go on like that. This half of a year brought about a change. I broke up with my girlfriend, and decided I would take my chances at getting the one I met at the beginning of a year. I've heard quite a lot about her relationship, and how her boyfriend was treating her. That is to say he did not pay attention to her, he would tell her to get the F out. He even ignored my text to her saying that I really like her more than a friend. Around a week ago I went out with her again. We spent many hours together talking, walking. I took my chances and kissed her using tongue. It was an all or nothing move. She did not interrupt it, she even placed her hand upon my cheek. I felt like I heaven. She said thing like What have I done? It didn't sound like an accusation. It was more like a curiosity. I've been writing her messegase like: I will seduce you, you will be mine, be with me and such, always in a cheery, and a postive way. The day before I kissed her, her boyfriend told her to get the F out. He did not contact her until recently. From the day we kissed even though we did not see each other a lot due to her work. I felt profound, like I've finally beaten the odds. Around 2 days from then she had her birthday. She called me up drunk few times and said she loves me. Her friend even talked to me then telling me to keep trying at her, not to give up, that her guy is a jerk. The day after her b-day I met with her. Everything was going fine until The guy started texting her an hour before we met. The first the she's done, was drop her bag, cry, and hug me in a public place. he told her that it is her fault that she is a slut, and that he is going to post pictures of her on facebook... He took this day from us. She was texting him all day that she wants to break up in peace, she wants them to be friends. He was begging her, all day long nagging for like 7 hours. I felt pretty secure, so after we left the cinema at night 11 p.m. I allowed to meet him since he wanted it so much. I figured he needed closure, and that she wanted to try with me. Guess how surprised I was when i got a message at 2 a.m. at night that he convinced her to give it another shot. I opened a txt at 5:30 in the morning. I can't believe it even now as i write this thread. Words are far from describing what my heart is going through right now. I am filled with hope, and also with despair. I hope that she will change her mind in days to come like I did with my girlfriend( I also couldn't handle making someone suffer so I also "gave another chance" which took around 2-3 weeks for me). I feel like I want to die. I seek help, I talk to people, friends, I cry a lot. I do jogging which helps me A LOT but I am no Forest Gump, I won't, and I can't run my country long and wide. Please, I am looking, and waiting for "Gods Finger" mentioned in Constantine movie or Pulp Fiction. I know it exists. This one particular thought, that changes one's whole approach. One time you want to jump off the roof, while in the next you feel like you can do everything. I know it is out there. I've felt it numerous times, even when I was about to give up upon that girl I was fighting for... She is not perfect, but she is beautiful, and I feel, I felt like there is something deeper hidden inside of her. She makes me want to be alive, crazy, unpredictable. That is what I want from life. Could any of you perhaps change this world, break the stereotypes, fates and such, and just make all the movies and dream come true? To me stereotype about relationship is that love won't conquer all unless it is mutual, and even then there is no guarantee of everything while all movies end up the same. I honestly seek solace, happiness and succes. My life in overall is not that bad, but I am not satisfied with anything. I want her, only her in my arms. Thank you
  10. To be honest I don't think i made it to anywhere considering I'm still being haunted by my past "relationship". I caused my current situation by saying wrong stuff to myself and thinking about lost causes for a way too long. Hopefully it won't take too much time for me to recover. I've already lost too much of it. Thank you for posting and for your support :)
  11. I am currently trying to seek some professional help, although like i said it might take a while. It's been 4 years and i'm really not happy about still being stuck in the past. Thank you for reading my post and also thank you for replying I really appriciate it :).
  12. Hello, this'll be my 1st time ever to write anything on forum. My current situation kinda forced me to it. I know for sure that I suffer from depression and it's been a veery long time since i felt happy for longer than a few hours. I was attending to either psychologist and psychiatrist. Everything started when I was 12 years old. My mother had drinking problems which eventually force me to move out to live with my grandparents. Later on my father also moved to my grandparents. I visited my mother each weekend and eventually spent 3 days a week there. My father refused to have any contact with my mother beside court. Thanks to that act my mother channeled all her pain, anger, sadness to me. She didn't hit or anything, but she was talking, talking and talking. She told me almost all there is to know about my father's family branch. She told be thing I wasn't supposed to know about my family and let's leave it at that. I've heard stories about neighbors coutless of times every week. Every week I was trying not to listen I even started to listen music while she was talking, but she wouldn't stop. This chapter took about 3 years, then my mother died. She fell asleep while smoking a cigarret. My cat had to be put down due to inhaling to much smoke. I was devastated. I decided to slip through everybody's life undetected, like I was never there to begin with. I made up my mind not to tell anyone about my mother's death. I didn't want to be pitied by my class mates. Deep inside I envied my class mates. I aliened myself from them but still I wantem them to need me to be around. In the 3rd grade of gymnasium(middle school?) a girl from my class started to be more confident of herself. She was one of less people who actually engadeg in converastions with me. She even sat next to me sometimes. My one and only friend from primary school lived one the other side of the town so we wouldn't acutally go out too much. I was all by myself at home sharing room with my father. Checking other people status on the internet and wondering if they've gone out. I just couldn't force myself to ask them if I could tag along. The girl I mentioned earlier was the only thing I could think of. She was nice, polite, beautiful to me, right after half of the year passed I couldn't see any flow in her. I wanted to stop thinking about her and stick to my plan to be a shadow, but I couldn't. She became a drug to me. I really enjoyed going to school. I've been waking up with a smile on my face everyday. Single thought of her interacting with me would make me the happiest man in the world. I opened myself to a guy from my class. He turned out to be a really nice person. My friend on the other hand said that I was too nihilistic and depressing to be around and by that ended our friendship. That didn't make me sad, mad or anything, I had new friends, people who cared, understood me. For a long time there I was fighting a battle against myself about whether to tell the girl how i feel or not. I cracked and texted her with the most desperate way that would spring to mind. I wrote that I've fallen in love with her and longed to be with her. She didn;t respond to a text. Along with our friends we went to shopping centre to meet up. She didn't say a word to me throughtout the whole time there. When we were on our way home she started walking really fast. I had to run to catch up to her. She told me that she couldn't txt because she didn't have any funds and that she has to think about my suggestion of starting a relationship. I gave her time. It took a week if i can remember it right. Then another desperate text was sent. I assured her that i wouldn't blame her if it wouldn't work out. I was ready to promise anything. She accepted my offer. (if you won't blame me then i think we can try i don't promise anything though) that was her response. Now i wouldn't be able to find correct words to describe how happy I was about her txt. This relationship of ours was a little secret. We were still attending school and she didn't want people to know. I didn't care then I finally obtained my drug. For the most part after my mother's death i despised sunny days and i fell in love with winter. Now i almost prayed to heavens that everyday could be as sunny as possible so I could go out with her. We were approaching a spring break. She was about to leave for a month to her cottage house. I had the feeling that something would go wrong. I am pretty sure that i felt something stinging my heart when she said ( I'll be back soon don't worry). Well she came back, but not to me. When there were 3 days to her comeback she wrote me on the internet. I was eager to know if she misses me, what're we gonna do whe she comes back. She broke up with me through internet. Her main point was that she doesn't love me and probably won't. Once again my world had fallen apart. I've never again felt the happiness like the one i did during our few days together. I wasn't without falut. I was constantly reminding her of my love, Getting upset over little things. Waiting for her to respond with the same words. 4 years have passed since that day I don't feel the heat I my heart anymore, but i feel like i want her even though i've got a girlfriend now. I hate myself for that because my current girlfriend is great. I don't want to hurt her, but I'm almost 100% sure I will. She recently came back from her trip to france. She was gone for a month. I didin't miss her too much. I was going out with friends and my drug was there with us. I actually accepted inside that i won't have her but aorund a month ago i've found myself a job. I usually get terrified of new things and this time was no different. I have a lot time to think in my job. My sad music accompanies me almost all the time. I went back to thinking about ex gf. I tend to compare what i felt and what i don't feel now. from the 1st of july to this day I feel awfull, hurt, guilty. The guilt almost takes me over when i am around my girlfriend and am sober. This is what i'd say to a therapist if i could get one. Unfortunately i will probably have to wait a really long time to go back to therapy. Hopefully i will get some psychotropic pills soon. Thanks to anyone who actually reads all of this.
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