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qwerty21

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  1. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from blackrider for a blog entry, Same Old Story   
    I made a move on a girl that I've known for a while as friends. She rejected me. But that's okay cos at least I had the courage to make the move.
    Again I'm going to a foreign country. I've visited that country once before. Last time I had a traumatic experience where I didn't realise that I needed to approach two girls and try to make a move, and they ended up leaving. It was like the Twilight Zone cos it's almost the only time a girl let alone two girls have shown interest to me like that. I haven't ever watched the Twilight Zone though so I'm not sure if that's applicable. The reason I'm going there again is to partially face my demons, but also cos just overall I got a feeling that I'm slightly more attractive there than home cos I separate from the crowd a little bit, I think in a good way. Not that I'd be a player or anything, but maybe I could convince someone to be intimate with me in a span of two weeks. Maybe two different times with different girl even.
    One of my biggest handicaps though is that I have a stomach disease that doesn't really get easier even though I got medicine from pharmacy. That's why I can't be out that much, which means less chances to meet a girl.
    My social handicap doesn't really come into play cos I plan to get drunk. I mean, of course I'll always have bad persuasion skills, but in terms of social anxiety, being drunk helps a lot.
    I feel kind of dirty/lewd writing this blog post. But these are just my thoughts, unfiltered.
    Of course my ultimate goal is to find a gf and hopefully she'll be my wife and we'll have kids. Even though prolly it would be hard to have a gf from a foreign country. Prolly I will have to face my demons sometime to speak my native language online and try to get a gf that way, from the same country as me. But I'll crash that bridge if I come to it.
  2. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from BettrResultsHereIHope for a blog entry, No Enjoyment   
    I get practically no enjoyment from anything. I used to think that it would be fixed by having a social life, but I'm not even sure about that. Casual sex doesn't/wouldn't bring me very much enjoyment cos I would need someone to support me. And having a gf, idk, I think I would just bring suffering to that person. I am so boring. Also I have a disgusting stomach disease. It's not my fault and it's not contagious, but it's still disgusting. Also I have a character flaw that when I'm together with someone for a long time, I lose appreciation for that situation and stop trying to impress her. This happened only one time since I've only ever had one gf. But it has happened in different kind of relationships too, like with my family. I don't really appreciate them. I mean I do and I don't. We were supposed to have a dinner for my birthday, Then my mom said that "this could be my birthday present too", the dinner. I got p***** off from that, so I didn't go to the dinner. At least she doesn't have the satisfaction to have given me a birthday gift. I mean I just assumed that the dinner was free, and she and my dad would give me a gift aside from that. I know I sound stupid, but whatever. There's just no hope for me to be happy. I'm going to another vacation. Pretty much the best thing that could happen to me there is that I have a one-night stand. But that will leave me empty inside. Or it could be that I can't convince anyone to have sex with me, which would be even worse. There's just no hope. Even my dreams are unrealistic. I sort of hope that I can have sex with many women, yet I want to have a gf. I'm so stupid. But in a way I don't care that I'm stupid, I'd just like to be happy. But the point is that it's become almost impossible to reach happiness. **** this .
  3. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from BettrResultsHereIHope for a blog entry, Stupid   
    Not much hope in sight. Nice to visit my granma though. I'm going to a vacation again. I gotta try to change my situation, and going some place else is the only way to have a chance of change.
    I'm playing poker every now and then. It's nice to play cos I get some enjoyment from it, a tiny bit. When I'm playing I forget the state that my life is in, which is nice.
  4. Like
    qwerty21 reacted to thursdayschild for a blog entry, Words of wisdom   
    To all those here who think their lives are bad because they don't have a "relationship", here's a quote from the late, great Robin Williams:
    "I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel all alone."
    Be careful what you wish for.
  5. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from blackrider for a blog entry, Bored Loser   
    I have nothing to do. I'm talking to actually two girls online, one of them is more of a friend and the other one I'm hoping that maybe more than friends. But I'll prolly screw up the latter relationship by suggesting that I maybe visit her city, which prolly would be ridic for two reasons. First is she prolly doesn't like me that way. I mean there has been maybe slight hints, but maybe not. Second is that it's way too soon, we've been only talking for a week now. Also I live kinda far from her so it would appear maybe kinda desperate to suggest a visit. The truth is I am desperate. And bored to death. What the **** do people do so they won't get bored all the time? I don't get it.
    And it's not like I'd just want to have sex with her, like I hope that maybe first gf and then wife and stuff. I don't think it adds the desperation that I wanna be serious with her. In my opinion what would be more desperate if I just wanted to have sex with her and then move on from her. Edit: Or maybe it's just he opposite, but I'm allowed to have my own opinion.
    This has been such a loser post, but I just wanted to get my feelings out. Like I'm just tired of this life that I'm living. I'm so lonely. Prolly she will stop talking to me after I make the suggestion. And I will regret it and again I screw up a relationship. Has kinda happened to me before. I hate myself. People tell me I'm a nice person. She has told me I'm a nice person. But like I'm still a desperate loser. My life is but a joke.
    People can give advice and stuff if they want. But please don't tell me I'm a desperate loser cos it feels worse coming from someone else. I honestly think I have a good heart.
  6. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from GSpolar for a blog entry, Hopeless Situation   
    Ive been depressed recently. All i do is play on my computer and argue with people online basically. 
    Im gonna go to dominican republic in april. But idk if somethings gonna go wrong with that. And also idk what im gonna do when i get there,  just lie in bed? My health situation is bad, so thats gonna restrict my mobility.
  7. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from Hertz for a blog entry, Positive Change   
    Yesterday was my first day at a youth activity center. It's nice to be able to spend time with others and not be bored and lonely. I'm gonna start going there four times a week.
    My doctor has said I'm out of options for medicine and he's pitching surgery where they would place a temporary bag on me. I'm firmly against that cos I just don't want that and that's my decision! I've been searching for alternative treatments to my Crohn's disease and there is one where I grow a plant for like 10 weeks and then I can try out the medicine. It's a natural product and many other medicines I've been on have had worse possible side effects, so I'm looking forward to trying this idea.
    My ex-girlfriend is bipolar or something. Now she has shown signs that maybe it's possible for us to get back together again, a year since we broke up. She hadn't kept contact with me in months and now this. I'm just not gonna care about that much cos I'm done with her. She's just so annoying. It's like when I want to be with her she doesn't want to be with me and the opposite too! It's like she just wants to bother me. I'm not gonna give her attention anymore.
  8. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from sunshinewilliams for a blog entry, Unpopular   
    I was really short and thin when I was a child. Also I have Asperger's. That's why I kinda got left out of social circles starting from age 7. Then when I hit puberty, there was some change of course, but still I was left looking very young, short and thin. Maybe what worsened my condition was Crohn's disease, so it's possible I would've developed more without that.
    So I never got invited to parties and I never talked to girls. I just fully realised this today. I was downtown and I saw young people having fun and there being parties at a couple of apartments. Of course no-one paid any attention to me cos I look like 13 or 14 or something. I am 22.
    The only relationship I've had was 2 years long, but it was to a gold digger. Of course I didn't realise it at the time. I mean I guess I should've known kinda cos she had her teeth done and skin done and bought bags and clothes and all sorts of stuff. She leeched 50k off me.
    So I guess the point of this blog post is that I wish I was normal so that girls would like me. I'm such a loser.
    If Kanye's next album SWISH sucks, I might just **** myself. I've waited it for so long. At times like these when I'm extra depressed, I ask myself what's the point of living. And I guess the point is that some day MAYBE I'm gonna find a girl that I have kids with. But it's gonna be so long from now so might as well **** myself. I don't know. I'm not gonna do it right now, but I'll strongly consider if Kanye drops a lackluster album.
    I realise my previous blog post was kind of about the same subject, so I'm sorry about that. Hopefully I have something else to say next time.
  9. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from Sakurahana for a blog entry, Sad Thoughts   
    I'm so lonely. I would like to have a girlfriend. I've realised that my ex-gf and I are prolly never getting back together. The thing that sucks is that if she wanted to get back together again I prolly would be fine with it cos I'm such a doormat. I would just like to be with someone though. But no-one wants me. Who would want me? No-one.
    I have no purpose in life right now. I guess my goal would be to find someone good and have a kid/kids, but that seems so impossible right now. I am kinda sick so I don't often leave the house and when I do, I just don't make contact with anyone. No-one initiates contact with me and I don't wanna initiate anything.
    I guess if I really have to think of the positives, I have a cat and that's pretty fun. Also Kanye West is maybe gonna release an album soon. But maybe it's actually gonna be till 2016, so that's really frustrating. He just keeps delaying it.
  10. Like
    qwerty21 reacted to firelife for a blog entry, Done   
    As I was going through my previous blog entries (and deleting them out of shame), I couldn't help but notice how my obsession with keeping my love life above water was blinding me to so many things, including the fact that I wasn't genuinely happy.
    In many of my old entries, I'd claim that I'd be "done forever" with the subject of my girlfriend (now ex-girlfriend) after we broke up. However, we broke up and got back together so often, that my claims began to lose all meaning. This time, however, I really am done.
    After our final break up, almost two months ago now, I began to fall into the same pattern. After being without her for so long, I began to long for her. I missed her. So, my mind erased all of the bad memories we had together and only focused on the good memories, making being apart from her all that more difficult. After going through this many times, I realised that this was simply a process, and no matter how hard it got, I'd have to get through it. So, I decided to be sensible.
    We ended on such bad terms, so much so that we didn't really get any closure. I believe closure is a key part of the process of moving on, and without it, it can be nearly impossible to really get someone out of your head. I decided to do what I do best; I wrote her a letter. This letter was perfectly neutral, it had no negativity, no judgement, no accusatory tones. In fact, I was probably being a little more kind than she deserved, but our arguments were in the past and I wanted to keep it that way. All the letter had said was that I felt pretty awful about how we ended on such bad terms, and that I hoped we could see each other as neutral beings in our lives, if we couldn't ever be friends. I apologised for my share of the issues we had. I was mature, calm, even a bit loving, because I was in love with her once for a reason. I didn't make any kind of ultimatum, or put any pressure on her at all. I simply left the ball in her court after letting her know that I was willing to cool things down with honesty to really get the closure we both needed. I hoped she would be mature enough to respond in a similar fashion, as sending her this letter had put me in a massively vulnerable position, allowing her to either rip me apart or be civil.
    She chose to rip me apart. Although this was awful to be the target of, I am secretly thankful to her for this. Her needless anger towards my simple attempt at reconciliation was closure for me. I tried, and she threw it back in my face, showing the type of person she seems to want to be, the type of person I don't really want to be associated with. Above all else, this really outlines her age, and her level of maturity. I remember being at the stage she is currently at, the stage where you fire everything and anything at another person and deal with the consequences later. Her behaviour is so similar to how mine was at her age, it's a little spooky. I'll take some comfort in the knowledge that one day, she will have a fair few regrets about this, and she will use those regrets to fuel her desire to mature and to change for the better. At least, that's what I've been doing. I hope she's similar to me in that regard as well. If not, well, it's not really my business and frankly, it's not something I care enough about any more.
    Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that I'm not perfect, and there are a couple of valid reasons for her to be angry. I too had many reasons to be angry at her, but the difference is, I let it go. Maybe she and I are different in terms of how long we hold grudges for. To me, a grudge doesn't last long because it just fades out of significance. It gets boring. I prefer to have an optimistic view of people, and give them chances. For her, it seems, she grasps it like a red hot poker, refusing to let go despite the pain it is causing her. Although I will always be the first to admit that I've made mistakes and that I have problems, I honestly don't believe I deserve a grudge against me that is this dramatic and this lengthy. However, I can't change how another human being thinks, not that I would want to, so this must be another thing I need to let go of. Maybe one day she will let go of that red hot poker and start to heal, but either way, I probably won't see or speak to her again, and that's fine. It is a little sad, of course. My letter was written to her purely to see if we could remain as a positive memory to each other, but even that has been blown away in the wind. However, that won't stop me from remembering the good side to her, and the reason I fell for her in the first place. She will always be significant to me, even if she forgets me in a week or two.
    So, all in all, I believe writing and posting that letter was a good decision, despite the outcome. It's quite the relief, from many months of having a pretty hostile relationship, to being able to safely say that I can move on. I have a good support network, I have the strength, I think I can rebuild my life again, just like I've done before.
  11. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from Thimble for a blog entry, I'm Okay   
    In recent weeks I have been feeling better than earlier. I'd say I'm not depressed anymore. I'm taking mood medication so that might affect. Also my Crohn's has improved slightly. I'm eating like a powder that I bought from pharmacy. I stir it into yogurt and it's just like muesli so it tastes okay, so that actually has helped my disease so I'm feeling better mentally too. Finally the third thing that has maybe helped me is getting back to poker, my old job. I consider it a hobby now though cos my disease makes it harder to play. I have no girlfriend at the moment or just friends even. When I play poker, I'm concentrated on that and I don't feel lonely. Also I have been doing okay at it, I have won some money.
    Certainly things could be worse. I listen to music. I like Kanye West particularly. Music definitely lifts up my spirit. I like myself. My money situation is good. I am confident that I can live a moderate lifestyle without running out of money till I die. Moderate lifestyle meaning that I can still go to a restaurant sometimes or buy like one item per month that I don't really "need". This paragraph became a little incoherent, haha, sorry about that.
    I am supposed to follow a pretty strict diet so that could make my Crohn's a bit better. The problem is that I'm too lazy/too self-indulgent to follow that. That is just my decision. It's like if I made the effort and started to follow it, I would have to do that for the rest of my life. And I think that's just not me, that's too hard for me. That's my decision. This is my life.
    I'm hopeful that a new medication will help me. It has not been started yet for me, but soon it will be. I guess the point of this blog post is that my Crohn's could be better, but it has been worse. And my mood could be a little better, but it could be a lot worse.
  12. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from duck for a blog entry, I'm Okay   
    In recent weeks I have been feeling better than earlier. I'd say I'm not depressed anymore. I'm taking mood medication so that might affect. Also my Crohn's has improved slightly. I'm eating like a powder that I bought from pharmacy. I stir it into yogurt and it's just like muesli so it tastes okay, so that actually has helped my disease so I'm feeling better mentally too. Finally the third thing that has maybe helped me is getting back to poker, my old job. I consider it a hobby now though cos my disease makes it harder to play. I have no girlfriend at the moment or just friends even. When I play poker, I'm concentrated on that and I don't feel lonely. Also I have been doing okay at it, I have won some money.
    Certainly things could be worse. I listen to music. I like Kanye West particularly. Music definitely lifts up my spirit. I like myself. My money situation is good. I am confident that I can live a moderate lifestyle without running out of money till I die. Moderate lifestyle meaning that I can still go to a restaurant sometimes or buy like one item per month that I don't really "need". This paragraph became a little incoherent, haha, sorry about that.
    I am supposed to follow a pretty strict diet so that could make my Crohn's a bit better. The problem is that I'm too lazy/too self-indulgent to follow that. That is just my decision. It's like if I made the effort and started to follow it, I would have to do that for the rest of my life. And I think that's just not me, that's too hard for me. That's my decision. This is my life.
    I'm hopeful that a new medication will help me. It has not been started yet for me, but soon it will be. I guess the point of this blog post is that my Crohn's could be better, but it has been worse. And my mood could be a little better, but it could be a lot worse.
  13. Like
    qwerty21 reacted to Shmooey for a blog entry, Disability Extension Requested   
    So I had a reprieve when my pdoc entered March 1 as my back to work date. But I'm nowhere near ready to return. My tdoc has taken over the paperwork since I see him more than I do her. He submitted an extension to June 1 last week. I'm really hoping it comes through because I am not in any shape to try to work and I would hate to waste all this time I've already been on disability to have it come to no benefit.
    I am contemplating applying for SSDI if I end up on long term disability through my employer. I not only have schizoaffective, DID, PTSD, and agoraphobia, but I am missing a disc in my back after being a passenger in two different car accidents. I walk with a cane and have a handicapped parking permit.
    I don't know which direction to go right now. I'm just trying to take it as it comes and hope the June 1 extension gets approved. I can be on short term disability for six months before it converts to a long-term disability decision.
    I have been trying to set up a routine since my pdoc says that a routine is good for a schizoaffective. I have not been sleeping all day, so that's progress in itself. I made a list of all the tdoc session topics I want to do between now and the end of May so the disability company knows I have a structure and a plan to the time. I hope that improves the chances of them saying yes.
    They called me the other day and told me they'd sent the extension paperwork directly to my tdoc,and then asked how I was. They'd woken me up around 945 am. but I got it together and admitted that I am not much better than when I first went out on disability. I didn't sound groggy or foolish or anything, so that was good.
    Anyway, fingers are crossed for the June 1 extension. I'll update when I get a decision.
  14. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from duck for a blog entry, Lonely And Bored   
    Hi,
    I would like to be with someone, but I'm inside all the time cos I'm sick so it's impossible to meet new people. Also I'm really bored, I mean I just get the temporary sick benefit and I spend all my time online or playing a computer game. It's horrible, what am I gonna do with my life?
    I still have some hope that my ex-gf will visit here soon and maybe I can convince her to come back. But like that's not happening prolly. She doesn't care about me anymore it seems.
    Like I would most like to be with her, but if she's been with someone else now, then I would want someone else. But I'm never gonna have anyone else. And I would like someone that's reasonably attractive and hasn't been with lots of guys. And I'm really really not attractive, so it's just impossible to happen. I just count the days to my death really. If someone has an idea how I could pass the time, that would be great. There's TV-shows, online forums, computer games, books. Those are the options I have.
  15. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from neurotic_lady89 for a blog entry, Not Sad   
    Hi,
    So it's now pretty sure that I'm not getting back together with my ex-gf, and I'm fine with that. It's maybe even for the better, cos she had so many annoying habits, and she just isn't the same person anymore that I fell in love with.
    I'm still pretty ill. That's bad cos in addition to worsening my physical state it worsens my mental state. The good thing about it is I don't have to work, and get money to live on from the government. I'm sorry if that's bad to say. If I ever get healthy, I will start playing poker again. And that's a good situation for me too, I think I actually would be happier if I was healthy and working.
    And I don't want any negative comments to this blog. I recently had a conversation online where I talked about politics with someone. I had a slightly unorthodox view about the subject. So then after a while talking, this person insults me personally. That made me feel really bad. I wouldn't want to insult anyone regardless of their personal views.
  16. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from duck for a blog entry, Break-Up   
    So my gf left me to be with another guy. I cut myself so that it bled a tiny bit, but still very superficial. Might develop a scar though. I just see no point in living. I might cut myself again and maybe strike a major artery, not likely though. She told me she'd be my friend still, and I actually maybe do want that. I just want someone to be with me, not be all alone. I don't even miss the sex that much, like I feel like I could just live with her and enjoy her company. But it's gone now. In a couple of days I should get Football Manager 2015 so I can play that 24/7. I guess there are things I can do to keep me busy till the end of my life, for example if I started watching all the TV-shows that have been made.
  17. Like
    qwerty21 got a reaction from duck for a blog entry, Problems   
    I'm having health problems still, and looks like I will be having them for the rest of my life, however long that is. I'm depressed. Things are complicated with me and my girlfriend. I would like to **** myself. It's not like I will, but I certainly wouldn't mind death. There are very few positive things in my life. Everything just seems to be going poorly for me.
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