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qwerty21

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Everything posted by qwerty21

  1. qwerty21

    Same Old Story

    I made a move on a girl that I've known for a while as friends. She rejected me. But that's okay cos at least I had the courage to make the move. Again I'm going to a foreign country. I've visited that country once before. Last time I had a traumatic experience where I didn't realise that I needed to approach two girls and try to make a move, and they ended up leaving. It was like the Twilight Zone cos it's almost the only time a girl let alone two girls have shown interest to me like that. I haven't ever watched the Twilight Zone though so I'm not sure if that's applicable. The reason I'm going there again is to partially face my demons, but also cos just overall I got a feeling that I'm slightly more attractive there than home cos I separate from the crowd a little bit, I think in a good way. Not that I'd be a player or anything, but maybe I could convince someone to be intimate with me in a span of two weeks. Maybe two different times with different girl even. One of my biggest handicaps though is that I have a stomach disease that doesn't really get easier even though I got medicine from pharmacy. That's why I can't be out that much, which means less chances to meet a girl. My social handicap doesn't really come into play cos I plan to get drunk. I mean, of course I'll always have bad persuasion skills, but in terms of social anxiety, being drunk helps a lot. I feel kind of dirty/lewd writing this blog post. But these are just my thoughts, unfiltered. Of course my ultimate goal is to find a gf and hopefully she'll be my wife and we'll have kids. Even though prolly it would be hard to have a gf from a foreign country. Prolly I will have to face my demons sometime to speak my native language online and try to get a gf that way, from the same country as me. But I'll crash that bridge if I come to it.
  2. qwerty21

    Stupid

    Not much hope in sight. Nice to visit my granma though. I'm going to a vacation again. I gotta try to change my situation, and going some place else is the only way to have a chance of change. I'm playing poker every now and then. It's nice to play cos I get some enjoyment from it, a tiny bit. When I'm playing I forget the state that my life is in, which is nice.
  3. qwerty21

    No Enjoyment

    I get practically no enjoyment from anything. I used to think that it would be fixed by having a social life, but I'm not even sure about that. Casual sex doesn't/wouldn't bring me very much enjoyment cos I would need someone to support me. And having a gf, idk, I think I would just bring suffering to that person. I am so boring. Also I have a disgusting stomach disease. It's not my fault and it's not contagious, but it's still disgusting. Also I have a character flaw that when I'm together with someone for a long time, I lose appreciation for that situation and stop trying to impress her. This happened only one time since I've only ever had one gf. But it has happened in different kind of relationships too, like with my family. I don't really appreciate them. I mean I do and I don't. We were supposed to have a dinner for my birthday, Then my mom said that "this could be my birthday present too", the dinner. I got p***** off from that, so I didn't go to the dinner. At least she doesn't have the satisfaction to have given me a birthday gift. I mean I just assumed that the dinner was free, and she and my dad would give me a gift aside from that. I know I sound stupid, but whatever. There's just no hope for me to be happy. I'm going to another vacation. Pretty much the best thing that could happen to me there is that I have a one-night stand. But that will leave me empty inside. Or it could be that I can't convince anyone to have sex with me, which would be even worse. There's just no hope. Even my dreams are unrealistic. I sort of hope that I can have sex with many women, yet I want to have a gf. I'm so stupid. But in a way I don't care that I'm stupid, I'd just like to be happy. But the point is that it's become almost impossible to reach happiness. **** this .
  4. Life ****ing sucks. I keep making the same mistakes. I can't change it. This is who I am. I see no light.
  5. I've started taking depression medicine. Before I was against it because I wanted to get healthy natural way, but that's really not gonna happen, so I'll take the blue pill rather than red pill (referring to the paradox). Also the medicine helps me with my appetite, which is good, cos I'm underweight. I'm going to a vacation in five days. I will try to find stuff to do, but prolly it's not gonna go well. At least I'm trying to make something happen. The alternative is to sit home and for sure have the eternal 3/10 depressed mood. On vacation it's like 90% chance it's not gonna go well and I'm gonna have 2/10 mood, but 10% chance that I'm gonna have like 8/10 mood for a while. Something like that. I kinda like the variance in any case, cos at least I'll feel something instead of being numb all the time. I have kinda started playing poker again, which has been my job in the past. I've only played like two tourneys per day, which is peanuts compared to what I used to play, but taking it slow is good. Maybe in the future I can start taking it seriously again, maybe even near-future.
  6. qwerty21

    Tough Situation

    I would like a change to my current situation, but it's extremely hard to accomplish. My hope is that I would like to have a social life, but it's tough cos I'm living with my parents. And there's like no way I can meet people or approach them or anything. I have Crohn's so I'm not in school or work, and I have Asperger so it's near impossible to approach people. Oftentimes I think that my life sucks and it's true. And it's not getting better. My therapist is of no help. There's just no solution. It's been like this for over two years now. I mean I used to live alone, but I didn't know how to meet people then either.
  7. qwerty21

    Rage Attack

    I am feeling really depressed in general right now. My mom was cutting my hair. She kinda complained that I was not standing up straight. I yelled really loud: "F***!". She said is that how you thank me for cutting your hair. I said that I don't really feel like thanking her cos I'm so depressed. Afterwards she handed me the brush and told me to clean up the hairs. She has never asked me that before. After she left a room I started banging the wall and closets with the brush until the brush broke. Then I started crying. Part of the reason I reacted this way is cos I have Asperger. Part of it is I'm so depressed. I know my behavior is completely lunatic and stuff. Now prolly many of you would like to comment I'm an awful person and I am. But like I'm kinda close to suicide. I guess not really. But I'm feeling about as low as I have ever felt, and negative comments would only increase my pain. I'm crying as I type this now. As a clarification I wouldn't ever hurt a person. I **** myself before I do that. Previously I've had no rage attacks, at least this bad. I mean maybe like 9 years ago I threw a remote and broke it, but that was the worst thing I had done. Please just don't be mean to me, please. No comments is fine. I would like to go to mental institution, but I don't think I can get in. I have searched for help before, but they just send me back home and stuff. And I would like to have my cellphone in the mental institution cos I'm talking to my two online friends. I am a low-life. I'm a horrible person. But I just don't wanna be nice to my mom cos I feel this bad. Call it a character fault or whatever. I wanna rather **** myself than have to be nice to her all the time while being this depressed. I don't even know why I feel this way, but I do. That being said, obviously what I did was very wrong and I hope I don't do that again. I hate how passive-aggressive she is. I hate how I am. Maybe it would be better if I was dead. But I promise I wouldn't hurt anyone, so I don't understand how you'd think I was better off dead.
  8. qwerty21

    Bored Loser

    I have nothing to do. I'm talking to actually two girls online, one of them is more of a friend and the other one I'm hoping that maybe more than friends. But I'll prolly screw up the latter relationship by suggesting that I maybe visit her city, which prolly would be ridic for two reasons. First is she prolly doesn't like me that way. I mean there has been maybe slight hints, but maybe not. Second is that it's way too soon, we've been only talking for a week now. Also I live kinda far from her so it would appear maybe kinda desperate to suggest a visit. The truth is I am desperate. And bored to death. What the **** do people do so they won't get bored all the time? I don't get it. And it's not like I'd just want to have sex with her, like I hope that maybe first gf and then wife and stuff. I don't think it adds the desperation that I wanna be serious with her. In my opinion what would be more desperate if I just wanted to have sex with her and then move on from her. Edit: Or maybe it's just he opposite, but I'm allowed to have my own opinion. This has been such a loser post, but I just wanted to get my feelings out. Like I'm just tired of this life that I'm living. I'm so lonely. Prolly she will stop talking to me after I make the suggestion. And I will regret it and again I screw up a relationship. Has kinda happened to me before. I hate myself. People tell me I'm a nice person. She has told me I'm a nice person. But like I'm still a desperate loser. My life is but a joke. People can give advice and stuff if they want. But please don't tell me I'm a desperate loser cos it feels worse coming from someone else. I honestly think I have a good heart.
  9. I'm very bored. That's why I texted this girl too much (like almost spammed) that I've been texting with and I think I blew it up :(
  10. qwerty21

    Plan

    My mood lately has been I guess okay. I mean I am in a constant state of depression I think. I was watching a part of a documentary on Youtube about depression and first of all it had these people who they were interviewing and in all their stories the depression was more severe than mine. So in a way it's good that I don't have that severe depression, but in another way it was slightly annoying that I couldn't relate to any one of them, and also maybe it created kind of a stereotype that depression is always very severe. The documentary also suggested depression is something physical in the brain. Then I scrolled down the comments and it said there's sad-depressed and then there's real depressed. Well I think I'm sad-depressed. But I still think that that's depression too just as well. And I'm not sure my depression is very physical in my brain, like as if there was something wrong with it. My life just is subjectively (in a way objectively also) bad. So that's why I get sad. So that's why I'm depressed, cos my life is almost always bad, so almost always I'm sad. I'm going to a kind of a therapist today. There they interview me to see if I would be suitable for a 9-day "looking at opportunities" period. I don't like the sound of it and I don't think it's gonna do any good, but I'm gonna give it a try if they think I'm suitable. Also I talked to my physical doctor about my mental problems, so I'm meeting with a psychiatrist through another channel. So I pat myself on the back that at least I'm trying to get help. Again, I don't think it's gonna do any good cos no psychiatrist can at least directly solve my problems. Only give suggestions on how to go about it. My plan is that I'm gonna see if the mental help does any good, and after when it prolly doesn't, I'm gonna book a holiday to go to New York. I'm gonna see the John Lennon memorial. Just maybe also see a 9/11 museum thing. Other than that, I have nothing planned and prolly I'm not gonna do anything except go to store/restaurant every once in a while. So prolly it's gonna be kinda boring, but it beats staying at home all the time.
  11. qwerty21

    Random Thoughts

    Okay thank you for being understanding and I kinda apologise too. My issue with the post was that all you have is the story I told. You have none of your five senses to use, and you made a statement like you know what the situation was like. And a part of my point was that even if there was a .1% chance of something happening, I should've just approached them and initiate conversation and it's okay if nothing happens. But anyway, everything is okay and I agree that it's okay for people to give advice. I generally like getting comments. Maybe part of my problem just inside my head is that I have maybe some weird defense mechanisms and I don't like when people try to break them. So largely this is just issues I have with myself and everything's okay.
  12. qwerty21

    Random Thoughts

    I don't like people telling me they know better. Also I'm depressed. Also I don't want comments to this blog post maybe.
  13. qwerty21

    I'm ********

    Thank you for your comment. Basically I got drunk and then got on a stranger's car. Lesson is that it's not good to get drunk and it's especially not good to get on a stranger's car. I've actually got drunk very rarely, so I've decided to become an absolutist now. No reason to drink, it's no fun anyway. I'm confident that I can keep my word.
  14. qwerty21

    Taking It Easy

    A lot of stuff has happened to me within the last month. Almost all negative. That's why I've decided to just mostly stay in my house cos the outside world is scary and stressing. I haven't experienced anything good outside. So now I'm mostly inside. And I'm bored as ****. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm 22. How am I gonna spend the last 60 years of my life? I have nothing to do. I'm all alone. I live with my parents, but I'd almost rather live alone. But I don't have to pay rent, so I do appreciate them for that. Also they sometimes cook for me. Edit: But I guess life could be worse. My blog posts are always a little more dramatic than my life on average cos I post only when I'm especially depressed.
  15. qwerty21

    I'm ********

    Hi, I possibly did the most ******** mistake of my life so far. I'm too embarrassed to tell what it was. Actually I made a lot of mistakes, but one mistake took the cake. I was scammed 2k. And it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. No normal person would've been scammed that way. Why am I like this? Why am I alive. Why can't I **** myself? There's no point in letting a person like me to live. The good thing that comes out of this is that I'm gonna give money to my brother and parents. It's money that I've earned, but if I do stupid mistakes like this, what point is there to have money? I will just spend it on something stupid or be scammed in the most obvious way possible. But I have Asperger's. I'm so easily manipulated. I hate myself.
  16. qwerty21

    Life

    Hi, Vacation was I guess okay, albeit boring and in the beginning it was awful. By the end of it nothing bad happened, but it was just boring. Now I'm back home back to my boring, depressing life. I'm thinking of starting smoking tobacco. In fact I have decided I will. I've heard that it has worked for some people for Ulcerative Colitis, which is a serious disease that I have. Medical illegal drug has had fantastic results for that disease, but it's illegal in my country, so I'm gonna have to start smoking tobacco, which is more harmful to my body than illegal drug, but my country has terrible laws, so it is what it is. It is depressing that even if smoking improved my physical condition (regarding the Colitis), I'm still gonna be depressed cos I'm alone :( I bet a relatively large sum of money on Trump to win the presidency. I'm kind of a supporter of him and at least that would be a small highpoint in my life if he wins cos I'd be happy and I'd win some money too. Of course it really would suck if he loses. But at least I would feel something either way.
  17. qwerty21

    Mistakes

    I keep making mistakes. A lot of them are involved in my social life. I'm alone. I'm frustrated. I hope I don't screw up so badly that my situation gets really bad. Emotionally I'm already a wreck. If something happens to me physically, I'll prolly **** myself. I don't wanna say what kind of mistakes I might make/am making, but I just fear that something's gonna happen to me. It's easy to say that I should avoid making those mistakes by taking no risks, but then I would just live my boring life deeply depressed, like I often am. Maybe I've seen more sunsets than I'm about to see. At least it comforts me a little bit that if things get really bad, I likely can take my own life. I'm sorry that this post was so negative and mysterious, but I just wanted to write this. In May I will probably write another post to tell my thoughts then, cos I'll be in a different place at least physically, maybe even emotionally.
  18. Im having a bad vacation. Two weeks still. This is nightmare. Why must life be like this. My life sucks at home too. THERE IS NO HOPE
  19. Ive been depressed recently. All i do is play on my computer and argue with people online basically. Im gonna go to dominican republic in april. But idk if somethings gonna go wrong with that. And also idk what im gonna do when i get there, just lie in bed? My health situation is bad, so thats gonna restrict my mobility.
  20. Hi, I'm in a situation where I'm very depressed. I'm alone almost 24/7. I do go to a youth activity center three times a week, but I have not been able to make friends. And I don't know what to do with friends anyway. It's like the only thing is to get super drunk to have a good time in this country. I don't like drinking. I have almost no interests. That's a huge part of why I'm depressed. I have been thinking about going to a foreign country. I was planning a trip, but then a huge storm struck there so I'm not so sure. I am gonna go somewhere, but I don't know where. The people I was in contact with from that country aren't responding. Basically I'm gonna maybe try to stay in the country I'll travel to if I like it there. But it is gonna be hard to get longer residence, so maybe I'm gonna have to travel back to my original country where I'm depressed as hell. I'm gonna have to live with my parents for at least a while in that case. So like I don't know why I'm writing this even. It just seems like a hopeless situation for me. Advice or anything else is appreciated.
  21. qwerty21

    Outburst

    Hi, Months now I've been planning my trip. That has kept me from being depressed, the hope that there is something better, something to look forward to. Now there was a thing that my supposed future landlord is not perfectly honest regarding the apartment, so that made me really scared and I started doubting whether the trip is a good idea or not so I started bawling cos it occurred to me that my life is complete ###### and it's very likely not gonna get better.
  22. Hi, I haven't posted in here for a while cos I haven't been that depressed. I have been going to the youth centre and also I've been planning my trip to Fiji so they're distractions. Right now I'm a bit depressed cos I don't know. I'm lonely. Also there's some problems with planning my trip. Just with all the formalities. It's so hard. I hope everything works out in the end. But it would suck though if I had to postpone the trip. Also I don't know what I'm gonna do after the trip. It sucks if I don't like it cos I would maybe have to go back to live with my mom and dad. Right now I'm living in a rental house alone, but I'm gonna end the lease or whatever it's called. Maybe I could live somewhere in Australia. I don't know. I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis. That would mean I'm gonna die at 44 cos I'm 22 now, haha. I guess my dream is that I like it in Fiji and I can find a way to live there. It's very hard though cos of the immigration rules. One way I think would be to invest 20k into a business there, but it's very high-risk of course cos it's a large portion of my fortune. I'll see. I feel like I'm destined to be alone. No girl likes me cos my appearance is not good and also I have Asperger's so I don't know how to approach girls and I'm just overall bad socially. I hope Kanye releases his album. That would give me at least some distraction. Listening to Yeezus for the first time was a mind-blowing experience.
  23. There's a Thai restaurant I go to every week which has good spicy soup and good food and there's a nice waitress there and she sometimes even gives me mini Kit Kat for free after I pay for the food.
  24. "The person that's the most in control of your life is yourself." Ben Carson
  25. Better do something simple right, than something complex wrong.
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