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About qwerty21

  • Birthday 08/05/1993

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  1. I made a move on a girl that I've known for a while as friends. She rejected me. But that's okay cos at least I had the courage to make the move. Again I'm going to a foreign country. I've visited that country once before. Last time I had a traumatic experience where I didn't realise that I needed to approach two girls and try to make a move, and they ended up leaving. It was like the Twilight Zone cos it's almost the only time a girl let alone two girls have shown interest to me like that. I haven't ever watched the Twilight Zone though so I'm not sure if that's applicable. The reason I'm going there again is to partially face my demons, but also cos just overall I got a feeling that I'm slightly more attractive there than home cos I separate from the crowd a little bit, I think in a good way. Not that I'd be a player or anything, but maybe I could convince someone to be intimate with me in a span of two weeks. Maybe two different times with different girl even. One of my biggest handicaps though is that I have a stomach disease that doesn't really get easier even though I got medicine from pharmacy. That's why I can't be out that much, which means less chances to meet a girl. My social handicap doesn't really come into play cos I plan to get drunk. I mean, of course I'll always have bad persuasion skills, but in terms of social anxiety, being drunk helps a lot. I feel kind of dirty/lewd writing this blog post. But these are just my thoughts, unfiltered. Of course my ultimate goal is to find a gf and hopefully she'll be my wife and we'll have kids. Even though prolly it would be hard to have a gf from a foreign country. Prolly I will have to face my demons sometime to speak my native language online and try to get a gf that way, from the same country as me. But I'll crash that bridge if I come to it.
  2. qwerty21


    Not much hope in sight. Nice to visit my granma though. I'm going to a vacation again. I gotta try to change my situation, and going some place else is the only way to have a chance of change. I'm playing poker every now and then. It's nice to play cos I get some enjoyment from it, a tiny bit. When I'm playing I forget the state that my life is in, which is nice.
  3. qwerty21

    No Enjoyment

    I get practically no enjoyment from anything. I used to think that it would be fixed by having a social life, but I'm not even sure about that. Casual sex doesn't/wouldn't bring me very much enjoyment cos I would need someone to support me. And having a gf, idk, I think I would just bring suffering to that person. I am so boring. Also I have a disgusting stomach disease. It's not my fault and it's not contagious, but it's still disgusting. Also I have a character flaw that when I'm together with someone for a long time, I lose appreciation for that situation and stop trying to impress her. This happened only one time since I've only ever had one gf. But it has happened in different kind of relationships too, like with my family. I don't really appreciate them. I mean I do and I don't. We were supposed to have a dinner for my birthday, Then my mom said that "this could be my birthday present too", the dinner. I got p***** off from that, so I didn't go to the dinner. At least she doesn't have the satisfaction to have given me a birthday gift. I mean I just assumed that the dinner was free, and she and my dad would give me a gift aside from that. I know I sound stupid, but whatever. There's just no hope for me to be happy. I'm going to another vacation. Pretty much the best thing that could happen to me there is that I have a one-night stand. But that will leave me empty inside. Or it could be that I can't convince anyone to have sex with me, which would be even worse. There's just no hope. Even my dreams are unrealistic. I sort of hope that I can have sex with many women, yet I want to have a gf. I'm so stupid. But in a way I don't care that I'm stupid, I'd just like to be happy. But the point is that it's become almost impossible to reach happiness. **** this .
  4. Life ****ing sucks. I keep making the same mistakes. I can't change it. This is who I am. I see no light.
  5. I've started taking depression medicine. Before I was against it because I wanted to get healthy natural way, but that's really not gonna happen, so I'll take the blue pill rather than red pill (referring to the paradox). Also the medicine helps me with my appetite, which is good, cos I'm underweight. I'm going to a vacation in five days. I will try to find stuff to do, but prolly it's not gonna go well. At least I'm trying to make something happen. The alternative is to sit home and for sure have the eternal 3/10 depressed mood. On vacation it's like 90% chance it's not gonna go well and I'm gonna have 2/10 mood, but 10% chance that I'm gonna have like 8/10 mood for a while. Something like that. I kinda like the variance in any case, cos at least I'll feel something instead of being numb all the time. I have kinda started playing poker again, which has been my job in the past. I've only played like two tourneys per day, which is peanuts compared to what I used to play, but taking it slow is good. Maybe in the future I can start taking it seriously again, maybe even near-future.
  6. I would like a change to my current situation, but it's extremely hard to accomplish. My hope is that I would like to have a social life, but it's tough cos I'm living with my parents. And there's like no way I can meet people or approach them or anything. I have Crohn's so I'm not in school or work, and I have Asperger so it's near impossible to approach people. Oftentimes I think that my life sucks and it's true. And it's not getting better. My therapist is of no help. There's just no solution. It's been like this for over two years now. I mean I used to live alone, but I didn't know how to meet people then either.
  7. qwerty21

    Rage Attack

    I am feeling really depressed in general right now. My mom was cutting my hair. She kinda complained that I was not standing up straight. I yelled really loud: "F***!". She said is that how you thank me for cutting your hair. I said that I don't really feel like thanking her cos I'm so depressed. Afterwards she handed me the brush and told me to clean up the hairs. She has never asked me that before. After she left a room I started banging the wall and closets with the brush until the brush broke. Then I started crying. Part of the reason I reacted this way is cos I have Asperger. Part of it is I'm so depressed. I know my behavior is completely lunatic and stuff. Now prolly many of you would like to comment I'm an awful person and I am. But like I'm kinda close to suicide. I guess not really. But I'm feeling about as low as I have ever felt, and negative comments would only increase my pain. I'm crying as I type this now. As a clarification I wouldn't ever hurt a person. I **** myself before I do that. Previously I've had no rage attacks, at least this bad. I mean maybe like 9 years ago I threw a remote and broke it, but that was the worst thing I had done. Please just don't be mean to me, please. No comments is fine. I would like to go to mental institution, but I don't think I can get in. I have searched for help before, but they just send me back home and stuff. And I would like to have my cellphone in the mental institution cos I'm talking to my two online friends. I am a low-life. I'm a horrible person. But I just don't wanna be nice to my mom cos I feel this bad. Call it a character fault or whatever. I wanna rather **** myself than have to be nice to her all the time while being this depressed. I don't even know why I feel this way, but I do. That being said, obviously what I did was very wrong and I hope I don't do that again. I hate how passive-aggressive she is. I hate how I am. Maybe it would be better if I was dead. But I promise I wouldn't hurt anyone, so I don't understand how you'd think I was better off dead.
  8. qwerty21

    Bored Loser

    I have nothing to do. I'm talking to actually two girls online, one of them is more of a friend and the other one I'm hoping that maybe more than friends. But I'll prolly screw up the latter relationship by suggesting that I maybe visit her city, which prolly would be ridic for two reasons. First is she prolly doesn't like me that way. I mean there has been maybe slight hints, but maybe not. Second is that it's way too soon, we've been only talking for a week now. Also I live kinda far from her so it would appear maybe kinda desperate to suggest a visit. The truth is I am desperate. And bored to death. What the **** do people do so they won't get bored all the time? I don't get it. And it's not like I'd just want to have sex with her, like I hope that maybe first gf and then wife and stuff. I don't think it adds the desperation that I wanna be serious with her. In my opinion what would be more desperate if I just wanted to have sex with her and then move on from her. Edit: Or maybe it's just he opposite, but I'm allowed to have my own opinion. This has been such a loser post, but I just wanted to get my feelings out. Like I'm just tired of this life that I'm living. I'm so lonely. Prolly she will stop talking to me after I make the suggestion. And I will regret it and again I screw up a relationship. Has kinda happened to me before. I hate myself. People tell me I'm a nice person. She has told me I'm a nice person. But like I'm still a desperate loser. My life is but a joke. People can give advice and stuff if they want. But please don't tell me I'm a desperate loser cos it feels worse coming from someone else. I honestly think I have a good heart.
  9. I'm very bored. That's why I texted this girl too much (like almost spammed) that I've been texting with and I think I blew it up :(
  10. qwerty21


    My mood lately has been I guess okay. I mean I am in a constant state of depression I think. I was watching a part of a documentary on Youtube about depression and first of all it had these people who they were interviewing and in all their stories the depression was more severe than mine. So in a way it's good that I don't have that severe depression, but in another way it was slightly annoying that I couldn't relate to any one of them, and also maybe it created kind of a stereotype that depression is always very severe. The documentary also suggested depression is something physical in the brain. Then I scrolled down the comments and it said there's sad-depressed and then there's real depressed. Well I think I'm sad-depressed. But I still think that that's depression too just as well. And I'm not sure my depression is very physical in my brain, like as if there was something wrong with it. My life just is subjectively (in a way objectively also) bad. So that's why I get sad. So that's why I'm depressed, cos my life is almost always bad, so almost always I'm sad. I'm going to a kind of a therapist today. There they interview me to see if I would be suitable for a 9-day "looking at opportunities" period. I don't like the sound of it and I don't think it's gonna do any good, but I'm gonna give it a try if they think I'm suitable. Also I talked to my physical doctor about my mental problems, so I'm meeting with a psychiatrist through another channel. So I pat myself on the back that at least I'm trying to get help. Again, I don't think it's gonna do any good cos no psychiatrist can at least directly solve my problems. Only give suggestions on how to go about it. My plan is that I'm gonna see if the mental help does any good, and after when it prolly doesn't, I'm gonna book a holiday to go to New York. I'm gonna see the John Lennon memorial. Just maybe also see a 9/11 museum thing. Other than that, I have nothing planned and prolly I'm not gonna do anything except go to store/restaurant every once in a while. So prolly it's gonna be kinda boring, but it beats staying at home all the time.
  11. qwerty21

    Random Thoughts

    Okay thank you for being understanding and I kinda apologise too. My issue with the post was that all you have is the story I told. You have none of your five senses to use, and you made a statement like you know what the situation was like. And a part of my point was that even if there was a .1% chance of something happening, I should've just approached them and initiate conversation and it's okay if nothing happens. But anyway, everything is okay and I agree that it's okay for people to give advice. I generally like getting comments. Maybe part of my problem just inside my head is that I have maybe some weird defense mechanisms and I don't like when people try to break them. So largely this is just issues I have with myself and everything's okay.
  12. I don't like people telling me they know better. Also I'm depressed. Also I don't want comments to this blog post maybe.
  13. qwerty21

    I'm ********

    Thank you for your comment. Basically I got drunk and then got on a stranger's car. Lesson is that it's not good to get drunk and it's especially not good to get on a stranger's car. I've actually got drunk very rarely, so I've decided to become an absolutist now. No reason to drink, it's no fun anyway. I'm confident that I can keep my word.
  14. A lot of stuff has happened to me within the last month. Almost all negative. That's why I've decided to just mostly stay in my house cos the outside world is scary and stressing. I haven't experienced anything good outside. So now I'm mostly inside. And I'm bored as ****. I don't know what to do with my life. I'm 22. How am I gonna spend the last 60 years of my life? I have nothing to do. I'm all alone. I live with my parents, but I'd almost rather live alone. But I don't have to pay rent, so I do appreciate them for that. Also they sometimes cook for me. Edit: But I guess life could be worse. My blog posts are always a little more dramatic than my life on average cos I post only when I'm especially depressed.
  15. qwerty21

    I'm ********

    Hi, I possibly did the most ******** mistake of my life so far. I'm too embarrassed to tell what it was. Actually I made a lot of mistakes, but one mistake took the cake. I was scammed 2k. And it was the stupidest thing I've ever done. No normal person would've been scammed that way. Why am I like this? Why am I alive. Why can't I **** myself? There's no point in letting a person like me to live. The good thing that comes out of this is that I'm gonna give money to my brother and parents. It's money that I've earned, but if I do stupid mistakes like this, what point is there to have money? I will just spend it on something stupid or be scammed in the most obvious way possible. But I have Asperger's. I'm so easily manipulated. I hate myself.
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