Mikayla reacted to quentin360 for a status update, Hello all my good friends, my current status is mild to moderate depression with a 35
Hello all my good friends, my current status is mild to moderate depression with a 35% chance of panic attacks as well as severe depersonalization and altered ego states of mind...But seriously, I am doing well as I can, I just can't stay online right now because we are having some very bad storms and I don't want my PC to get fried again. I do have a "Quentin" moment I will share real fast. My neighbor that made me supper that night. I made her family my famous banana pudding. So i went to meet Matt, her boyfriend, about halfway to give it to him, they do have some bad dogs. I barely made it out of my yard, with hands full of pudding, and my leg just snapped/cracked, I thought I had broke my leg but it did not hurt. I held onto a tree and yelled to Matt to come get the pudding, that something was wrong with my leg. He offered to help ma back to my house but I limped my way back, with a big ? as to what happened. Yall know that I have the CMT and have been wearing AFO braces since 12 or 13 and they would break many times back then because I was so active and hard on them. But sure enough that is what happened the other night, my left one broke all the way in half. Of course I have had this pair for about 10 years, so I was not to surprised. Thank God, I had another pair in my closet that I have never used. So that's my story and I'm sticking to it, what a day that was. I am getting off line now and unplugging my PC. I will be back on the forum before yall know it...Be Good to Yourselves...your friend Quentin...PS: I will read all my new messages when the weather clears and I get back online...
Mikayla reacted to samadhiSheol for a status update, After a two and a half year hiatus, I've decided to give martial arts another go. Bef
After a two and a half year hiatus, I've decided to give martial arts another go.
Before quitting due to being disillusioned and suffering from tendon issues, I had practiced jujutsu for nine years. Something tells me I need to get back on track. If not jujutsu then on SOMETHING.
I might as well start there.
Mikayla reacted to samadhiSheol for a status update, Happy New Year, Boyz and girlz. May it be a turn of the tide (for the better!) for al
Happy New Year, Boyz and girlz.
May it be a turn of the tide (for the better!) for all of us.
Mikayla reacted to RiverLight for a status update, It's Christmas eve, so I'm sending a positive message for all those who visit my prof
It's Christmas eve, so I'm sending a positive message for all those who visit my profile to remember to hold onto the good things, and to love yourself fully!
Mikayla reacted to LoneSquirrel for a status update, Hi guys!! My computer crapped out on me and it's at the repair shop. The man at the s
Hi guys!! My computer crapped out on me and it's at the repair shop. The man at the shop said I may not get it back before Christmas. I'm so sad, and going through withdrawals already. I hope to see you all soon. ::sniff::
Mikayla reacted to RiverLight for a status update, Trying to be positive on a Monday.. how cute is this??? LOL. Now how can one feel dow
Trying to be positive on a Monday.. how cute is this??? LOL. Now how can one feel down when they see this image?
Mikayla reacted to Kanenas for a status update, "Depression is anger turned inward" (or so they say).
"Depression is anger turned inward" (or so they say).
Mikayla reacted to gandolfication for a status update, Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably. Should I ask a
Trying to survive.... not sure why...instinct or programming probably.
Should I ask and try to analyze what is going on in my thought process when I procrastinate and avoid work in favor of other things? (mainly the ever available Internet)? Or should I simply focus on working to improve and change the behavior, regardless of the causes? One answer is to stop thinking about it and go back and do or continue the next ranked priority on my to-do list. This answer carries with it, the implication of 'who cares' what the causes are, the solution never changes. And who cares if it is harder now than it used to be.
Progress must be made incrementally, daily and even moment by moment.
This takes guts. Of course instantly, the fear crops up, questioning whether I can do this or really even have much chance to, as I surely feel I do not. The lessons of therapy again tell me, 'so what?' So what if it seems impossible – that's basically the core definition of the disease. And whether I ever understand the root causes or not, I absolutely can understand that I am self-sabotaging myself and that hard as it seems, I have the ability to change. This thing is large, and it is a deep problem, but the road to recovery runs through doing little things in the now.
The depressed soul wants to get back to whole terra firma in one fell swoop, since all it can focus on is what it has lost, and the pain and regret of this. This won't do of course, as it isn't how life works. But progress can be made, and even recovery can be attained. You, you, this person writing this has overcome real, substantial obstacles and adversity before. I can do it again with new challenges, that seem tougher and to come from every side at once. I have the determination actually, and the fortitude, the character to do it, even if it requires some truly radical new strategies and practicing ways of doing it. It seems daunting if not impossible. It seems like a con, with no real light. It doesn't seem either possible or worth it. But this is the lie.
My head hurts and feels like it is swimming all the time. This, I must remember and believe, is not my fault. I did not ask for this, seek it or choose it. It came from various places, some from behavior, some from circumstances, and some probably from genes. Anyhow, I believe—against all feeling—that I am capable of beating it. I can't let it have the last laugh (even though I feel like giving in completely). I don’t know if this is the last gasp from a dying soul, or the battle cry of someone about to take another swing.
I'm just struggling to move forward the next step. Anything that is even remotely challenging or uncomfortable (which is mostly everything), I'm struggling to get myself to do. I keep losing steam. I have no idea what to do. How to proceed, or how to live with myself this way. I just feel like saying **** it. What's the use. I'm exhausted. Time for coffee. I don't want to drink it, but I had better or I'm going to fall asleep. Life sucks. Has for years. Maybe the parts with the kids are good. Selfishness my well be involved here, but I just can't stand how I feel, all of the time. If I could just walk over and jump off the balcony, all this awful pain would cease. All would be over. Blessed nothingness. I crave it because conscious existence is so odious and awful. It is really amazing that we have the capacity to feel this badly, let alone to feel this badly and keep living, continue existing, when stopping this pain is so easy, and can be foolproof. It is a wonder that myself or anyone holds on. It is a wonder that more people don't exit stage left.
Mikayla reacted to Jalen for a status update, I have no idea what the hell's been up with my sleep schedule...so if I don't respond
I have no idea what the hell's been up with my sleep schedule...so if I don't respond at night that's why.
I finally am taking showers and brushing my teeth more often, getting my hygiene closer to par.
Hope all of your days go well, maybe mine will.
Mikayla reacted to hocico for a status update, OMG my reputation finally caught up with my content count lol thanks everyone.
OMG my reputation finally caught up with my content count lol thanks everyone.
Mikayla reacted to Jalen for a status update, Honestly feeling good. I got a pleasant surprise and that really helped, also got ver
Honestly feeling good. I got a pleasant surprise and that really helped, also got very lucky yesterday.
I hope you all are doing well to.
Mikayla reacted to RiverLight for a status update, Quote of the day: "Think good thoughts. Say nice things. Do good for others. Everythi
Quote of the day:
"Think good thoughts. Say nice things. Do good for others. Everything comes back".
Mikayla reacted to Tungsten Aromatics for a status update, Had a job emailed to me. IT Support Engineer in Oxford. I'm going for it. ?
Had a job emailed to me. IT Support Engineer in Oxford. I'm going for it. ?
Mikayla reacted to behr1995 for a status update, Put to rest What you thought of me While I clean this slate With the hands of uncerta
Put to rest
What you thought of me
While I clean this slate
With the hands of uncertainty
So let mercy come
And wash away
What I’ve done
I'll face myself
To cross out what I’ve become
And let go of what I’ve done
For what I’ve done
I start again
And whatever pain may come
Today this ends
I’m forgiving what I’ve done