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Shawn81

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  1. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Epictetus in Last Game You Played   
    Stardew Valley is all I've played recently.
    I need to find the will to finish Echoes of Aetheria and get back into Path of Exile.
  2. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Ixeua in Jobs for People with Depression?   
    I've been working part time for a couple years as a peer support at a behavioral health agency with others with depression and anxiety. I'm terrible at talking to people but my boss is my former case manager and they understand all of my issues and are more understanding about this kind of disability, unlike a "regular" job where they would just fire you if you need a day off because you're too anxious or depressed or starting a new med or whatever, as long as it's within reason.
  3. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from blackrider in Sexual Expectations   
    I'm not a virgin, but let's just say it's been "a while". I'm sure there's a stigma about it. I can't handle the expectations either. My anxiety absolutely won't allow me to approach anyone at all, even just to talk, much less in that way. The pressure is overwhelming just thinking about it.
    The 40 Year Old Virgin is funny, but still makes my skin crawl. I'm that socially/romantically hopeless. I just stay home and sit in front of my gaming setup. I wish I was as good at poker as he was. Could make a few bucks, at least.
  4. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from samadhiSheol in Getting better... is it really what I want?   
    I feel the same way. I used to wish I could be more outgoing, comfortable around people, want to go out and "have fun", have lots of friends, etc. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I don't want that. I'm really fine with just staying inside pretty much all the time and avoiding everything. I wish I wasn't so lonely, and that money wasn't so tight, but other than that, I really don't want any more out of life. I'm sure it just sounds like the depression talking, but the life most people have repulses me.
  5. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from nightrose in Sexual Expectations   
    I wish I didn't have the biological desire for it.
    Every couple years or so I get really lonely and desperate enough to make a profile on a dating site, and I've never gotten a single reply. That's life, I guess.
  6. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from nightrose in Sexual Expectations   
    I'm not a virgin, but let's just say it's been "a while". I'm sure there's a stigma about it. I can't handle the expectations either. My anxiety absolutely won't allow me to approach anyone at all, even just to talk, much less in that way. The pressure is overwhelming just thinking about it.
    The 40 Year Old Virgin is funny, but still makes my skin crawl. I'm that socially/romantically hopeless. I just stay home and sit in front of my gaming setup. I wish I was as good at poker as he was. Could make a few bucks, at least.
  7. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from melplus in can't relate to anyone..   
    I know the feeling. It's hard to share things with anyone when all you want to do is stay inside and watch Star Trek or play games and listen to death metal. And since that's all I done for the past 12 years or so, I don't have any stories worth telling, or anything to talk about.
  8. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from skaterdude69 in can't relate to anyone..   
    I know the feeling. It's hard to share things with anyone when all you want to do is stay inside and watch Star Trek or play games and listen to death metal. And since that's all I done for the past 12 years or so, I don't have any stories worth telling, or anything to talk about.
  9. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from RockoBoy in Racing Brain Syndrome and Insomnia   
    I have it bad since getting of clonazepam last March. I always had it, but that helped (but caused more problems). I go through a strange cycle now that lasts about five weeks. I'll sleep 'okay' for a few days. I'll fall asleep at 10:30 or so and stay asleep all night, but still won't feel rested. Then over the next three weeks+ it will get worse and worse. I'll fall asleep at 10:30, but wake up at 10:45 and then be up until 5am. Then the last week of the cycle usually involves not sleeping one minute the first night (just laying there all night completely unable to doze off at all), then sleeping maybe 2-3 hours the next night, then not at all again the third night. The last time through that part of the cycle, it lasted three weeks like that. The longest it has ever lasted.
    I've been on every sleeping pill. None worked. They just make me feel terrible, and I still can't sleep. After seven months of getting jerked around by my insurance, I finally got my sleep study last week. Of course, it showed nothing, even though I was up most of the night through it. I have a follow up this morning about it. The tech told me the sleeping pills only try to get you to 'level 1' sleep, which is nothing, and you need level 3 and 4 sleep to actually get deep sleep, and said mari.juana and morphine get you there. The first doesn't help me, and I've never had the second.
    Nothing else helps. Before my foot problems, I could exercise myself into the ground, and it wouldn't affect sleep at all. It's impossible to get myself tired enough to sleep. I'm hazy and tired and nodding off at the wheel all day, and at about 8:00 at night, that's it. I'm wide awake. Full of energy, which is mostly just anxiety.
  10. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from SuzyLee in Personal Hygiene- Showering and Depression   
    I never had the issue with showers. They're calming. I take two a day. I can't stand my oily skin getting even more oily.
    My medical problems are where I slack off. Mostly because they can never find the problem anyway. I let stuff go forever because of the hopelessness.
  11. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from WhyAreWeHere in How to deal with being alone?   
    I'm completely guilty of the driving just to not be completely alone, just for a little while. Even though I don't talk to anyone, or want to.
  12. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from nightrose in How to deal with being alone?   
    I'm completely guilty of the driving just to not be completely alone, just for a little while. Even though I don't talk to anyone, or want to.
  13. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from highanxiety in How to deal with being alone?   
    I have a lot of the same issues.
    After a lengthy bout of total agoraphobia along with other anxiety/depression/medication issues (10+ years) where I didn't come out of my room, I finally got back on my feet - more or less - a few years ago. I got my own house and vehicle (again; I had lost everything), was able to function enough to go to the store on my own again, take care of myself, and even work part time, though it's still a big struggle. The loneliness issue that got buried under everything else started to get much worse.
    I don't talk to anyone in person away from work. I can't deal with the social anxiety of just talking to someone, much less in that kind of way. I can't handle the racing thoughts about embarrassing myself, the way I look, the way I talk, etc. I feel so out of place. Like I don't belong with other people. I feel like I'm humiliating myself just looking at someone.
    Online isn't much different. I'm almost as socially anxious on the internet, too. I do my best to talk to people, but I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm about the least interesting person on the planet. I completely isolate, have no friends, etc. Immature/unpopular interests for my age. Nothing to talk about, having spent most of my adult life hiding in my room and not talking to anyone.
    As much as the loneliness is destroying me lately, there's just no way for me to make it work. I'd be a miserable partner. Shyness isn't cute at my age, especially to this degree. I don't like the same things as other people. I like to stay inside and watch Twitch all day for 'company'. I do get up and go out pretty regularly out of restlessness, but it's just to run to a store or gas station for a snack and go for a little drive. I don't talk to anyone. Then it's back to staying inside. And I don't actually want to change that. I'm not a "go out and have fun" kind of person. So it's a weird predicament. The loneliness became my number one source of depression, but I also don't want to be around people, because I can't really handle it. I've only recently gotten back to communicating with anyone online, and it has become obvious that I can't handle being around people, even electronically. So I have no idea what to do. It's like developing a severe allergy to your favorite food or something.
    I'm just meant to stay in here alone for the next 10 years. It's all I can handle.
  14. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Asta in Imagine dieing old and alone?   
    It's something that bothers me more than anything over the last few years. I don't care about my legacy or how I'll be remembered. I don't believe I'll be aware of it after I'm gone anyway. But since I've become somewhat functional again, the loneliness is the worst part.
    My dad was the same way. He spent the last 30 years or so of his life totally alone. He'd go to work, and then just be in his house alone. I could tell he didn't like it, even though he really didn't seem to like being around too many people. He didn't have any friends he met with outside of work. He'd very rarely remark about a lovely woman we passed when I was with him. He clearly didn't care for not having someone. But he never tried to do anything about it. I guess maybe he had the same anxieties and fears I do about approaching someone. Crippling fear of rejection or embarrassment. So he never did, and he spent about three decades by himself, and died alone. And I'm exactly like him. I'm going on 13 years of isolation just like that, and it's not going to change. I can sit around fantasizing about being able to change it, but I can't. I know that. And I hate it.
    I never want kids. I don't want to do something big with my life, or accomplish something that I'll be remembered for, or leave some legacy. I just don't want to be sad and anxious and embarrassed and alone anymore. But I've already seen how it's going to go. So I guess I just regret it until it's over.
  15. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from scienceguy in Does anyone ever feel like they have nothing to live for   
    I feel like this constantly. And I don't have anything to live for. I just heard from someone who mentioned they don't get many hugs, and haven't in over a week. I stopped for a minute to think about when the last one I had was, family or otherwise. It took me a while to think of it. July 2014. 21 months ago. Little things like that constantly remind me of the value of my life.
  16. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Asta in Does anyone ever feel like they have nothing to live for   
    I feel like this constantly. And I don't have anything to live for. I just heard from someone who mentioned they don't get many hugs, and haven't in over a week. I stopped for a minute to think about when the last one I had was, family or otherwise. It took me a while to think of it. July 2014. 21 months ago. Little things like that constantly remind me of the value of my life.
  17. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from RockoBoy in how do u fill your unemployed days?   
    I spent 10 years out of work and stayed inside for months at a time binge watching tv shows or movies, playing video games, sleeping at random times, and talking to no one. 
     
    Now I work 20-25 hours a week and spend all the rest of the time doing those same things.
  18. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from whatgoingon in how do u fill your unemployed days?   
    I spent 10 years out of work and stayed inside for months at a time binge watching tv shows or movies, playing video games, sleeping at random times, and talking to no one. 
     
    Now I work 20-25 hours a week and spend all the rest of the time doing those same things.
  19. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Wisteria in Am I the only one who dreads taking a shower?   
    It's about the only place I feel somewhat calm. I take two a days. It's relaxing. I hate being/feeling dirty too. No matter how depressed I got, and how many things I quit doing to take care of myself, I still showered regularly.
  20. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from lonesomeroad in Destined to be alone?   
    I've struggled with this a lot the last few years. It's really consumed my mind. I always had depression and anxiety, but it came to a boil around 2002 and 10+ years ended up disappearing. I didn't leave the house at all and had no friends, much less relationships (and still don't). Long story short, I've been more 'functional' the last few years, and the loneliness that I didn't think about as much during that darker time has really bothered me. I work part time now, and when I'm not at work, I'm sitting here at the computer, or in bed. I get horribly lonely, and there's nothing I can do about it. My anxiety about approaching a woman for that type of relationship consumes me. It's impossible. Doesn't matter how much I want it. The fear of rejection or embarrassment or whatever is way stronger. So I just sit here being lonely and pathetic. I remember feeling this way when I was lonely 15 years ago and assuming it would sort itself out like everyone said it would. It never did. Mid 30s now and it won't change. 
     
    Aside from the anxiety, I'm sure my depression would ruin it. I'm a recluse. And I really don't want to change that. I don't want to go out and party. I don't want to have a million friends and go out and socialize. I like to keep to myself when I'm out as well. I'd just be holding someone back. No one wants to enjoy the great indoors with me. And my interests... forget it. No woman wants to sit around playing video games and listening to death metal and binge watching Star Trek and Monty Python in bed all day. I don't have any kind of physical attractiveness to overcome all my negatives. But the bottom line is I'm starting to realize how annoying and boring of a partner I'd be. Always depressed and sitting around the house doing immature things. So I'm stuck. It's no real surprise. But it doesn't suck any less. I realize nothing will change if I don't change, but aside from the depression and anxiety, I don't want to change. I'm just not a social person.
  21. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from blackrider in Destined to be alone?   
    I've struggled with this a lot the last few years. It's really consumed my mind. I always had depression and anxiety, but it came to a boil around 2002 and 10+ years ended up disappearing. I didn't leave the house at all and had no friends, much less relationships (and still don't). Long story short, I've been more 'functional' the last few years, and the loneliness that I didn't think about as much during that darker time has really bothered me. I work part time now, and when I'm not at work, I'm sitting here at the computer, or in bed. I get horribly lonely, and there's nothing I can do about it. My anxiety about approaching a woman for that type of relationship consumes me. It's impossible. Doesn't matter how much I want it. The fear of rejection or embarrassment or whatever is way stronger. So I just sit here being lonely and pathetic. I remember feeling this way when I was lonely 15 years ago and assuming it would sort itself out like everyone said it would. It never did. Mid 30s now and it won't change. 
     
    Aside from the anxiety, I'm sure my depression would ruin it. I'm a recluse. And I really don't want to change that. I don't want to go out and party. I don't want to have a million friends and go out and socialize. I like to keep to myself when I'm out as well. I'd just be holding someone back. No one wants to enjoy the great indoors with me. And my interests... forget it. No woman wants to sit around playing video games and listening to death metal and binge watching Star Trek and Monty Python in bed all day. I don't have any kind of physical attractiveness to overcome all my negatives. But the bottom line is I'm starting to realize how annoying and boring of a partner I'd be. Always depressed and sitting around the house doing immature things. So I'm stuck. It's no real surprise. But it doesn't suck any less. I realize nothing will change if I don't change, but aside from the depression and anxiety, I don't want to change. I'm just not a social person.
  22. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from duck in Destined to be alone?   
    I've struggled with this a lot the last few years. It's really consumed my mind. I always had depression and anxiety, but it came to a boil around 2002 and 10+ years ended up disappearing. I didn't leave the house at all and had no friends, much less relationships (and still don't). Long story short, I've been more 'functional' the last few years, and the loneliness that I didn't think about as much during that darker time has really bothered me. I work part time now, and when I'm not at work, I'm sitting here at the computer, or in bed. I get horribly lonely, and there's nothing I can do about it. My anxiety about approaching a woman for that type of relationship consumes me. It's impossible. Doesn't matter how much I want it. The fear of rejection or embarrassment or whatever is way stronger. So I just sit here being lonely and pathetic. I remember feeling this way when I was lonely 15 years ago and assuming it would sort itself out like everyone said it would. It never did. Mid 30s now and it won't change. 
     
    Aside from the anxiety, I'm sure my depression would ruin it. I'm a recluse. And I really don't want to change that. I don't want to go out and party. I don't want to have a million friends and go out and socialize. I like to keep to myself when I'm out as well. I'd just be holding someone back. No one wants to enjoy the great indoors with me. And my interests... forget it. No woman wants to sit around playing video games and listening to death metal and binge watching Star Trek and Monty Python in bed all day. I don't have any kind of physical attractiveness to overcome all my negatives. But the bottom line is I'm starting to realize how annoying and boring of a partner I'd be. Always depressed and sitting around the house doing immature things. So I'm stuck. It's no real surprise. But it doesn't suck any less. I realize nothing will change if I don't change, but aside from the depression and anxiety, I don't want to change. I'm just not a social person.
  23. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Wisteria in Destined to be alone?   
    I've struggled with this a lot the last few years. It's really consumed my mind. I always had depression and anxiety, but it came to a boil around 2002 and 10+ years ended up disappearing. I didn't leave the house at all and had no friends, much less relationships (and still don't). Long story short, I've been more 'functional' the last few years, and the loneliness that I didn't think about as much during that darker time has really bothered me. I work part time now, and when I'm not at work, I'm sitting here at the computer, or in bed. I get horribly lonely, and there's nothing I can do about it. My anxiety about approaching a woman for that type of relationship consumes me. It's impossible. Doesn't matter how much I want it. The fear of rejection or embarrassment or whatever is way stronger. So I just sit here being lonely and pathetic. I remember feeling this way when I was lonely 15 years ago and assuming it would sort itself out like everyone said it would. It never did. Mid 30s now and it won't change. 
     
    Aside from the anxiety, I'm sure my depression would ruin it. I'm a recluse. And I really don't want to change that. I don't want to go out and party. I don't want to have a million friends and go out and socialize. I like to keep to myself when I'm out as well. I'd just be holding someone back. No one wants to enjoy the great indoors with me. And my interests... forget it. No woman wants to sit around playing video games and listening to death metal and binge watching Star Trek and Monty Python in bed all day. I don't have any kind of physical attractiveness to overcome all my negatives. But the bottom line is I'm starting to realize how annoying and boring of a partner I'd be. Always depressed and sitting around the house doing immature things. So I'm stuck. It's no real surprise. But it doesn't suck any less. I realize nothing will change if I don't change, but aside from the depression and anxiety, I don't want to change. I'm just not a social person.
  24. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from virvellian in Last Game You Played   
    Stardew Valley is all I've played recently.
    I need to find the will to finish Echoes of Aetheria and get back into Path of Exile.
  25. Like
    Shawn81 got a reaction from Barrier Maiden in Last Game You Played   
    Stardew Valley is all I've played recently.
    I need to find the will to finish Echoes of Aetheria and get back into Path of Exile.
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