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    Baseball, PC games, Monty Python, death metal, binge-watching scifi TV shows.

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  1. I had been without any physical contact whatsoever for longer than I want to admit. No even hugs. I enjoyed it. It made me feel better. I don't think I can handle life without it again. I'm completely isolated. I don't meet people or make friends, much less relationships. I sit at home alone all day and don't hear from anyone. I don't want things to be the way they used to be again. I can't handle it.
  2. I think I'm about to be dumped. It's been a long time. But I don't know what to do anymore. She used to want to spend all her time with me. It was actually alarming and took some getting used to. But eventually she got me on board. She wanted to move in with me and eventually move away with me. We made plans. It lasted two days after her moving in and she had a realization that it wasn't what she wanted because she wanted to remain in her living situation. Now, she rarely has time for me. Over and over, she'll tell me she's on her way over, and I won't hear from her for seven hours, even though we had plans. We argue all the time about it because it hurts me, and she doesn't want to argue about it anymore, even though she continues to do it, so I'm not allowed to mention it. We have little in common, but the few things we share are great. Or used to be. Now I just feel like a burden to her. She tells me I'm being controlling if I get upset that she doesn't bother to text me when she's several hours late. This is no way to be treated. No normal person would allow it. But I'm starting to realize that I put up with it because I know if I don't, I'll be completely alone again. I'm no good at relationships, and was alone for a very long time before this (somehow she approached me), and I know if this ends, I'll be alone again for another very long time. I have no self esteem, I'm too socially anxious/awkward, and I know I'm not very good relationship material. I'm so scared. It hurts so much but I wonder if being alone would hurt less, even though it may become permanent. I only stay in this town for her. I have no friends and no one to talk to other than her. I just sit here alone waiting for her, and most days I don't see her anymore, so I do it for nothing. But I have nowhere else to go anyway. I'd have to sell my house and find some place to live on disability, because I got laid off from my only job in the last 13 years, and am too limited on what's I can do because of anxiety, depression, dizziness, etc. If it wasn't for her helping financially when she can, I wouldn't be able to pay my mortgage and other bills. Sometimes I think I should just sell my house and go somewhere else and start over, but I have no place to go. I'll just be alone there too. I have no one. I don't know what to do but ramble about it on the internet, which makes me feel worse. I'm so lost. I can't handle this.
  3. I've been working part time for a couple years as a peer support at a behavioral health agency with others with depression and anxiety. I'm terrible at talking to people but my boss is my former case manager and they understand all of my issues and are more understanding about this kind of disability, unlike a "regular" job where they would just fire you if you need a day off because you're too anxious or depressed or starting a new med or whatever, as long as it's within reason.
  4. I feel the same way. I used to wish I could be more outgoing, comfortable around people, want to go out and "have fun", have lots of friends, etc. I haven't felt that way in a long time. I don't want that. I'm really fine with just staying inside pretty much all the time and avoiding everything. I wish I wasn't so lonely, and that money wasn't so tight, but other than that, I really don't want any more out of life. I'm sure it just sounds like the depression talking, but the life most people have repulses me.
  5. I wish I didn't have the biological desire for it. Every couple years or so I get really lonely and desperate enough to make a profile on a dating site, and I've never gotten a single reply. That's life, I guess.
  6. I'm not a virgin, but let's just say it's been "a while". I'm sure there's a stigma about it. I can't handle the expectations either. My anxiety absolutely won't allow me to approach anyone at all, even just to talk, much less in that way. The pressure is overwhelming just thinking about it. The 40 Year Old Virgin is funny, but still makes my skin crawl. I'm that socially/romantically hopeless. I just stay home and sit in front of my gaming setup. I wish I was as good at poker as he was. Could make a few bucks, at least.
  7. I know the feeling. It's hard to share things with anyone when all you want to do is stay inside and watch Star Trek or play games and listen to death metal. And since that's all I done for the past 12 years or so, I don't have any stories worth telling, or anything to talk about.
  8. I never had the issue with showers. They're calming. I take two a day. I can't stand my oily skin getting even more oily. My medical problems are where I slack off. Mostly because they can never find the problem anyway. I let stuff go forever because of the hopelessness.
  9. I have it bad since getting of clonazepam last March. I always had it, but that helped (but caused more problems). I go through a strange cycle now that lasts about five weeks. I'll sleep 'okay' for a few days. I'll fall asleep at 10:30 or so and stay asleep all night, but still won't feel rested. Then over the next three weeks+ it will get worse and worse. I'll fall asleep at 10:30, but wake up at 10:45 and then be up until 5am. Then the last week of the cycle usually involves not sleeping one minute the first night (just laying there all night completely unable to doze off at all), then sleeping maybe 2-3 hours the next night, then not at all again the third night. The last time through that part of the cycle, it lasted three weeks like that. The longest it has ever lasted. I've been on every sleeping pill. None worked. They just make me feel terrible, and I still can't sleep. After seven months of getting jerked around by my insurance, I finally got my sleep study last week. Of course, it showed nothing, even though I was up most of the night through it. I have a follow up this morning about it. The tech told me the sleeping pills only try to get you to 'level 1' sleep, which is nothing, and you need level 3 and 4 sleep to actually get deep sleep, and said mari.juana and morphine get you there. The first doesn't help me, and I've never had the second. Nothing else helps. Before my foot problems, I could exercise myself into the ground, and it wouldn't affect sleep at all. It's impossible to get myself tired enough to sleep. I'm hazy and tired and nodding off at the wheel all day, and at about 8:00 at night, that's it. I'm wide awake. Full of energy, which is mostly just anxiety.
  10. One realization that I've had, since the one about being lonely, is regarding depression. When the question was posed about whether you'd date someone with depression, my initial answer was obviously yes. I have it too. It makes sense. But after spending some time communicating with others online, and talking to someone who also has severe self-esteem issues and impossibilities like I have regarding accepting or believing compliments, it would obviously never work. The conversations are a miserable pity party. They go nowhere. Someone ends up feeling down and becoming intentionally vulnerable or hurt over nothing. Over and over. The cycle never breaks. It would obviously never work. So I've gotten more confused about what's even possible. Someone without depression obviously isn't going to want to deal with me, and someone with depression just creates an impossible cycle of over sensitivity. I'm not sure how anything is supposed to work.
  11. I'm completely guilty of the driving just to not be completely alone, just for a little while. Even though I don't talk to anyone, or want to.
  12. I have a lot of the same issues. After a lengthy bout of total agoraphobia along with other anxiety/depression/medication issues (10+ years) where I didn't come out of my room, I finally got back on my feet - more or less - a few years ago. I got my own house and vehicle (again; I had lost everything), was able to function enough to go to the store on my own again, take care of myself, and even work part time, though it's still a big struggle. The loneliness issue that got buried under everything else started to get much worse. I don't talk to anyone in person away from work. I can't deal with the social anxiety of just talking to someone, much less in that kind of way. I can't handle the racing thoughts about embarrassing myself, the way I look, the way I talk, etc. I feel so out of place. Like I don't belong with other people. I feel like I'm humiliating myself just looking at someone. Online isn't much different. I'm almost as socially anxious on the internet, too. I do my best to talk to people, but I'm completely aware of the fact that I'm about the least interesting person on the planet. I completely isolate, have no friends, etc. Immature/unpopular interests for my age. Nothing to talk about, having spent most of my adult life hiding in my room and not talking to anyone. As much as the loneliness is destroying me lately, there's just no way for me to make it work. I'd be a miserable partner. Shyness isn't cute at my age, especially to this degree. I don't like the same things as other people. I like to stay inside and watch Twitch all day for 'company'. I do get up and go out pretty regularly out of restlessness, but it's just to run to a store or gas station for a snack and go for a little drive. I don't talk to anyone. Then it's back to staying inside. And I don't actually want to change that. I'm not a "go out and have fun" kind of person. So it's a weird predicament. The loneliness became my number one source of depression, but I also don't want to be around people, because I can't really handle it. I've only recently gotten back to communicating with anyone online, and it has become obvious that I can't handle being around people, even electronically. So I have no idea what to do. It's like developing a severe allergy to your favorite food or something. I'm just meant to stay in here alone for the next 10 years. It's all I can handle.
  13. It's something that bothers me more than anything over the last few years. I don't care about my legacy or how I'll be remembered. I don't believe I'll be aware of it after I'm gone anyway. But since I've become somewhat functional again, the loneliness is the worst part. My dad was the same way. He spent the last 30 years or so of his life totally alone. He'd go to work, and then just be in his house alone. I could tell he didn't like it, even though he really didn't seem to like being around too many people. He didn't have any friends he met with outside of work. He'd very rarely remark about a lovely woman we passed when I was with him. He clearly didn't care for not having someone. But he never tried to do anything about it. I guess maybe he had the same anxieties and fears I do about approaching someone. Crippling fear of rejection or embarrassment. So he never did, and he spent about three decades by himself, and died alone. And I'm exactly like him. I'm going on 13 years of isolation just like that, and it's not going to change. I can sit around fantasizing about being able to change it, but I can't. I know that. And I hate it. I never want kids. I don't want to do something big with my life, or accomplish something that I'll be remembered for, or leave some legacy. I just don't want to be sad and anxious and embarrassed and alone anymore. But I've already seen how it's going to go. So I guess I just regret it until it's over.
  14. I feel like this constantly. And I don't have anything to live for. I just heard from someone who mentioned they don't get many hugs, and haven't in over a week. I stopped for a minute to think about when the last one I had was, family or otherwise. It took me a while to think of it. July 2014. 21 months ago. Little things like that constantly remind me of the value of my life.
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