Hi everyone, I’m here today because I’m tired of holding in my true thoughts and feelings. I’m struggling on where to even begin, so I apologize if this post seems disorganized and discombobulated. I think I’ll start with my childhood. Since as far back as I can remember, I’ve always felt like I was a round peg in a world full of square pegs. I never fit in anywhere – at school or at home. I was severely bullied for most of my elementary school years and part of high school, and my dad was physically and emotionally abusive. I was a quiet, shy, and very humble kid, which made me an easy target. To add to this, I wasn’t the most masculine guy in my class either. My classmates saw me as a piece of garbage and didn’t want anything to do with me, so I took solace in hanging out with teachers at recess. Since I had no real friends, I focused a lot on my studies. This only made matters worse because I was scorned for being a teacher’s pet. At that point, I knew I had no way of pleasing the bullies (90% of my class) – I was damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. Some days were tolerable and others fraught with pain and humiliation. My parents were aware of the situation, but they never knew the true magnitude because I was ashamed to disclose everything. My mom did try to come to my aid on a few occasions (bless her heart), but her efforts were fruitless – at least for the long-term. I was bullied for part of my first year in high school, but compared to what I went through in elementary school, it was a walk in the park. As for my dad, I could’ve had him thrown in jail for what he did to me and my siblings. I’m now 28, and my relationship with him is strained to this day. I don’t plan to become estranged from him because he is still my dad. However, I have no desire to be close with him, and I’d like to keep it that way. He is the same toxic person, which is why I love him from a distance. As kids, he always provided for us financially; we never went hungry. That’s as far as his parenting went. We, including my mom, all saw him as the disciplinary figure. We feared him. I remember distinctly a situation when I was 5 and my brother was 7. My brother and I slept in the same room at that age, and naturally, as kids we started laughing uncontrollably for no reason after we were put to bed. My dad, who had an early morning, started stomping the floor to signal to us to be quiet. We tried very hard to control our laughing, but our attempts failed. My dad charged into our room and started whipping us with a belt buckle. The sad part is that this kind of “discipline” was normal to us. The next day, my mom was dressing us for school, and she was horrified to see that we were covered from the upper back to the back of our legs in bruises. My mom threatened to call the police on my dad, but it never happened because he begged for forgiveness. That was one of many situations, but I’ll leave it at that because I could write a book about the abuse. The emotional abuse was far worse unfortunately, and I still go through bits and pieces of it today! The abuse at home and the bullying I experienced still affect me today. I have no confidence in myself at all, and it’s one of the reasons why I’m currently in a stagnant situation. I never feel good enough no matter what I do. I feel stupid; I feel ugly; I feel like I don’t belong in this world; I feel like a hopeless cause. Some days can be extremely debilitating. I graduated from university in 2009, and since then, I’ve had five jobs. I quit one of them and the other four were contract positions, which I successfully completed. I’m now going through a bout of unemployment, and this has been my longest bout by far – a year and a half. I have no desire to look for a job though. The thought of going into a job that I’m more than likely going to despise makes me want to stay in bed forever. Every job I’ve ever had, including the part-time job I did for six years while in school, has been agonizing. Things are okay for the first few months, but after that, it feels like I have to move ten mountains to get out of bed to get ready for work. I don’t have any desire to be part of the corporate world or climb the corporate ladder, but it seems that most people just go right into it like a herd of sheep. “This is the way life is” I always hear. You get a job you’re lukewarm about at best, stay in it for 40 years, pay off a house, retire, enjoy life for another 10-15 years if you’re lucky, and die. It seems like such a pointless existence. I’d rather die quickly than take the path most travelled, which will also **** me, but at a much slower rate. People constantly ask me if I’m working and whether I’m looking for work. I’m at a point where I’m about to tell people to shove it up their ass. I’m not on any government assistance, and it’s none of anyone’s business that I’m unemployed. I have lived rent-free this year at home, but I do contribute around the house a lot. I don’t want to sound like an ungrateful and self-entitled brat. It’s quite the opposite actually. I live a very simple life with very few possessions. When I do spend money for my social life occasionally, it’s my own hard-earned savings from previous jobs over the last decade. I have never asked my parents for money since I started working part-time at 15 years old. I’m not even sure the point of my post anymore. It’s clearly a rant. I don’t know what to do with my life. I have this constant feeling of being burnt out because I feel this constant pressure from everyone to follow a predetermined path. I know I have the option of going on medication to tame some of these feelings, but who is to say these feelings are wrong? My feelings about the bizarreness of this world are very real. I want to die on some days. I don’t have the courage to commit suicide, nor would I ever want my loved ones to go through something like that. I don’t know what to do. I want to be seen as equal in this world, but I won’t be unless I follow that predetermined path. At the same time, if I do follow it, I’d be selling my soul. I can’t even remember what I’m interested in anymore. It’s like I’m losing sight of myself, and it’s getting worse as years pass. It’s very scary. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I don't even know if I'm really suffering from depression.