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artistic tendencies

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About artistic tendencies

  • Birthday 12/05/1973

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  1. Lets start off with the fun stuff first. My brother and his family is now living another state a couple of hours away. I was part of helping them move which meant calling out of work yesterday. This has me feeling sick because I have no idea what is going to be said by my boss tomorrow when I am back to work. I do not like my boss and I try to ignore things he says to me but I just don't want to hear how I screwed him over and blah blah blah. My excuse for being out was thanks to a bad kidney stone attack I had a few days ago. I ended up in two different hospitals the other day which nearly seen me having surgery. I texted my boss the other night telling him I am going back to the hospital and will not make it to work. I have some papers proving I was in the hospital the other day but not for yesterday. So I am worried I won't get paid for a sick day without having a note. I am also looking for a new job which is impossible in so many ways. There are very few jobs and most of those are minimum wage. It doesn't help that I have no skills or talents or knowledge. I cannot stand working where I am and there is no where else to go in the company I work for because those right above me will not let me move. That and the only stores I can maybe get sent to will be worse to work at because of the people that work there and they are busier stores. I can no longer do physical labor for long periods of time so warehouse type work is out. I am not smart and have been in the industry I am in for 13 years and big boxes have taken over the industry like so many other industries. Which in turn makes salaries lower and the work harder. I have lost all options for work, my bank account is actually negative and I have bills still pending. Oh yeah now I have hospital bills to pay for that I can't. I have been thinking of working part time but that will not last for long as I don't think I will have the energy to keep working 7 days a week. Also There are no part time jobs I could do either.
  2. I have the same issues as well. Sorry I can't help you but it seems to be common with anxiety. It really sucks because it gets hard to concentrate on the things I need to be doing.
  3. So I have had a lot of issues lately and will be homeless in about two weeks. Since my last post a couple of weeks ago a lot has happened. I had made contact with someone from a company I applied to, awhile back. In the past couple of weeks I had two interviews and was offered a job. I had called the GM that had offered the job and told him I could not take the job. The panic in me was very high, to the point of nearing a full attack. The GM went on with this speech and I kept trying to tell him I was not interested, it would not work out for either party. I somehow hung up the phone and had verbally agreed to accept the job. Even sent out a text to another contact from the company I had been previously interacting with. Forward to today where after being messaged to accept the offer online to finalize the agreement, I went on and seen a decline button. Which I pressed, I just cannot make this big of a change in my life right now. Now I am panicking waiting for the phone call on why I declined the offer. I really am not feeling good right now and the panic is getting worse. The old me, the young me, would have left the company he works for before even looking at getting another job. The older, somewhat responsible me panics at the thought of another job. I know now I had anxiety back then but nowhere near the extent that it is now. I really was not afraid back then, of anything and could care less what I was going to next or what people thought. Now I freak out at the prospect of a phone call and what will be said. I really should never have lived past 24, yes lots of regrets in my life.
  4. Still no idea what I am going to do about my rent. Not to mention gas for my vehicle to get to work, I have enough to maybe get to work till the weekend. So the anxiety kicked in big time. I believe I received a call from someone from the other company, saturday. I say that because the voice message left was garbled and I could not understand what the person was saying. If a number calls that is not in my contacts list, I let the call go to voicemail. So tired of these scam calls and I am getting more and more of them everyday. I can't call them back. I have no idea what I will tell them. If they were calling to set up a second interview there is no way I can go through with it. I have no idea what I would say so the only option I feel is best is to not return the call. Besides, there is so much pressure to go work for that company. I thought I was going in for an interview only to find out it was a pre-interview. The prospect now of the first of the real interviews has my stomach twisted in knots, not to mention my chest feels like there is a heavy object on it. All this from a garble voicemail. I really need the long sleep.
  5. No my roommate doesn't rely on me for paying the bills. He pays his with no issue, I am the one who has issues paying. And from the conversation I heard him having with a friend of his, if I am asked to leave his friend will move in with him. So I know if I can't make this rent I will be out.
  6. Yeah I already turned off the automatic bill pay for my credit cards. My auto insurance and other bills I need to pay because they are essential to not only me but my roommate as well. The people I need to payback are unfortunately not going to be paid back for awhile. The food thing is rough with me. It would be easier to tell you the foods I like and can still eat than the foods I don't like. Soup is one of those many foods I do not eat. Again I only eat a few times a week if I am lucky, this week I have eaten twice, one time for free from the one deli next to my work (the people that own it are really cool) the other was a restaurant that when I gave a compliment about, they gave me a free meal.
  7. No need to apologize for what you typed. It's all good, I just wanted to make it clear that I do what I can do avoid political talk. A payday loan will not help as my bank account is negative right now because of the protection fees and my bills. I am still trying to catch up from being unemployed two years ago. It has really been hard trying to catch up. And I have yet to be able to pay back people who gave money to help me out. I know I need help with getting my financial planning taken care of but first I need to get out of this hole. Right now my money goes to the bills. I normally do not eat a lot maybe a few times a week and it is always at some kind of deli or restaurant. I can only eat certain things thanks to not having teeth to chew with. I do not cook and to be honest when I buy food I forget about it until I happen to actually go into the kitchen and see I bought something and by then it is expired. Someone want to give me a loan? lol
  8. I have no political association at all. No matter who is in charge those of us in the middle especially toward the lower end, really get the shaft. I will leave it at that, I hate political talk because those that actually follow one side or another are not open minded enough to have a conversation and only want to argue why they are right. I was messaged about doing something called go fund me. Thank you to the person that sent that to me. But I am too embarrassed to set something like that up and I only know a few people in real life and I already got waaaay too much help from them when I was unemployed. I also put a lot of pressure on myself to pay people back who helped me. Besides I need the money by next friday so there is like no time.
  9. Here in the states there is only free help for people who already get free housing, food and money. If you work you always make too much money to qualify and by being male there is even less of a chance of getting any help from the government. When I was unemployed it took 7 months to finally get basic food stamps and nothing else. This country only cares about those who do nothing in life and gives a big ol' eff you to those of us trying to make it happen but need a little boost.
  10. Can't afford to go to a doctor. Thanks to Osamacare I make too much money to get health insurance help and I don't make enough money to afford health insurance through my company. I have no good skills or anything to back me for better jobs so I will always be stuck at lower positions at companies. Soon it all will not matter anyway, no way I am going to live on the streets. I appreciate the support for talking or whatever but talking is not going to help my situation, only money can help me at this point.
  11. I know I don't really come on here often. I never really comfortable nor welcome anywhere, even forums. There are always cliques and they often keep to themselves and only occasionally include others in their chat. So I tend to join forums and never really participate or go to them often. I also know that I don't contribute much to any forum so it is mostly a waste, me being on one. What I like about posting on here is that I get to say my peace and walk away not really worry about it being read let alone responded to. Not that I really care about responses I just need to vent. Today's post is about how nothing changes. When I think I am doing good the crap just starts to happen again. So a coupla weeks ago I do the company a favor and drive an hour away to help out another store who is having staffing issues. Not only did I do this to try and get a few extra hours but I genuinely like to help out people when I can and from what my manager told me, the manager in the other store is a good guy and he has been having a tough time the past month or so. So not only did I not get extra hours (they cut one of my days from my store) but the district manager tried to get the manager of the other store not to pay me travel pay (which is a company policy to pay for travelling over so many miles). Before you say anything, the manager I was going to help actually reported the DM to the VP of our district (he hates the DM more than I do). The manager of the store I work for has this weird soft spot for these part-time kids we have as team members. They can only work certain hours on certain days and only if they have nothing else to do. About a week before easter sunday I was talking to another team member and he told me he had to check on one thing but he would switch days for me to give me the day off. I was like cool thank you. Well next day I was off and he texts me that the manager gave the day off to one of his favorites and he had to work for her. I come in the next day and get told I work in retail that working holidays is part of the job. I said fine but I was already making plans to switch days and you just give the day off to one of your pets. I then put a note that I was taking off mother's day. I come in the next day and the girl again has put a note to take off that day as well. I hear from another employee that the manager was complaining about me and wanting a holiday off. He ended up giving me and the girl off (me because I asked first and gave enough time for him to fix the schedule) and her because well, his pet. So the manager works that day, which is typically a day he does not work. All to give his pet the day off. A couple of days ago I see the pre- work schedule and the girl is off monday memorial day. Because of all the other employees and their limited work schedules, mondays has been one of my days off since coming to this store. I bring it to the manager and go, "you said you were allegedly stopping everyone from taking holidays off". I pointed out she had the day off and here I was yet again not only working the weekend but the holiday as well. I think he sensed my frustration and my "this is close to the last straw" look and tone and changed the schedule the next day, saying he messed up and accidentally copied the previous week's schedule and not the normal schedule he normally uses. Today when the girl comes in for her shift with me, she tells me she was leaving early for something and another team member would be coming in to cover her. Again no heads up from anyone but this is ok, I have to give a month's notification if I am going to be out sick, without hearing about it for the next two weeks. So I was given the task of getting our store's team member's computer training done. A customer comes in and as always she is sitting down in a corner behind a counter watching videos on her phone. She ignores the customer and now I am forced to help the customer instead of getting my task done. This happens for the next 5 customers until she was forced to help because of the volume of customers that came in at once. Well she decides she was going to go out and help a customer (and do something the company does not want us to do). In the meantime a bunch of customers come in, including a DM from another district and I was forced to call her in for help, she ignored me and luckily for me the customers were patient and in no hurry, so I was able to help them all. Well her cover comes in to relieve her and she calls me out to finish up what she started so she can go. As she left I tell the customers, sorry she should never have said she could do this for you. We are not allowed to do it and that I will put things back but they need to go to a shop to get the work done. They ask for my name all I told them was her name and any inquiries can be brought up to her, the manager of the store or the company. They kept insisting I give them my name and I said no their issue is not with me but her and I walked away. I get back into the store and the gentleman covering for her received an emergency call from his brother (he has been taking care of his crippled and bed ridden brother for some time now) and he had to leave. I am not mad at him, it's not like it's his fault. I get p***** at the situation and how this girl gets away with everything and nothing is ever said to her. Friday when the manager comes in I am going to be told to take an extra lunch or get a call to come in later to start my shift. The company is very strict with hours and he won't want me to get over time. But eff him, this girl and the company. If I have to run the store by myself and get the work of 3 people done by myself then they are going to start paying me. All this stuff is going on and I am not going to be able to pay my rent this month and the last time this happened my roommate told me he will ask me to leave if it happened again. So I have been trying to find a way to get the money but I have nothing I can sell that is worth anything to sell. There would be a ray of light through the gloom that is my life but well my mental issues. I had a pre-interview together with a competitor to my company. And if what the guy told me is true he was happy with how I presented myself and what I told him. I was told he would talk to his managing partner about me and there would be at least one more interview but most likely 2 or 3 more before I would be hired. They like to really grill and see if someone is going to work out for them. But before I was even done with the pre-interview my stomach and all started up on me. I started to get shaky and for the second time in a couple of weeks I almost called someone to take me to the hospital it has been getting so bad. I guess there is one good thing, I am not going to be homeless because I will just leave well before then.
  12. I don't think starting a relationship while depressed is a smart move.
  13. So tonight I was at my step-brother/friend's 40th surprise party. In my typical fashion I had an upset stomach all day. I couldn't figure it out, I was nauseous and light headed, I tried eating a little something since by 130pm I had not eaten anything since about the same time yesterday. That didn't seem to help and it wasn't until we left the party that I realized what it was, it was my body reacting to being at a party. So when we arrived (I car pooled with a friend who lives in the same complex as me). I greeted everyone that I knew as they greeted me. For the most part I sat away from the masses, in the beginning I had found a room that no one was in then out of nowhere half the people were in the room. I then found another room to hang out in and that is when people started funneling in one or two at a time and started to talk to me. I knew all but a few people at the party and a few of those people started to talk to me about various things. I did the right thing and interacted with them but inside I was thinking to myself "you don't need to talk to me cause I am here, I understand". Thing is I have nothing to talk about, I have no stories of any kind and the few I think I have are not interesting. I have nothing in common with any of the people including those that I am somehow friends with. It is uncomfortable for everyone involved so just move on. I am in this room by myself because I don't need to be around people and actually prefer to be alone. I am only at the party because well, that thing called friendship states I have to. I should have done what I wanted to and drove myself, that way when the bday person arrived and that got going I could have slipped out and went home. But my friend whom I had spent most of the day running around doing errands with said to just go with him or he would come with me. These people all have good lives, they are smart or talented or good looking or all three. I fit in like a fart in a broken elevator. I give hints that there is no need to converse with me, which is usually very limited responses like, "oh", "cool" and "yeah". If that doesn't work I just say be right back need to grab a drink or use the bathroom, since I spent most of the time in the room with some of the beverages. I really hate the fact that I have friends and I am forced, because of said friendship to have to attend things like this party. For the most part the few people I am friends with know I don't party so they tend to leave me out of it but things like this I am pretty much obligated to go. I think after this evenings festivities I am just going to tell my friends to not bother asking me to anything any more. It will just keep me from having to try and make up an excuse not to go and save me the headache of trying to hide at a gathering where people feel the need to have to talk to me. It is not worth the sick feeling for the few days before the event nor is it worth dealing with the awkwardness that is me at an event. Also there is nothing I eat ever at parties not that I have any teeth left to even chew food any more. Which is a subject for another blog post. Lets just say I can only eat something like potato chips since I can just suck on them until they mush up and I can gum it then swallow.
  14. So the apartment complex I am living in had implemented assigned parking, giving one parking space for each apartment in the complex. This place was built in the 50's where there were not many cars on the road, so the parking is at best tight to say the least. In the addendum it read each apartment got one assigned spot and the un-numbered spaces were first come first serve. Well parking has been a nightmare since this was implemented. It seems people were storing cars in other places (we were only allowed one car per person on the lease). Because the office manager has found 35 unregistered (not registered to any apartment) which has taken up all the loose spots in the complex. So now thanks to the selfishness of people the few of us that are respectful to our neighbors, are suffering. So the new thing is the complex will most likely take the assigned parking away and get it back to what it was, where all spaces were first come first serve and car limits implemented. This will suck and be good at the same time as I sometimes need to park a building a way when I work closing shifts. But it also means getting rid of about 40 cars in total from our lot. Another fun thing has been not being able to eat much any more. The few tooth pieces I still have in my mouth are not capable of doing any kind of chewing any more and hurt when I try to chew anything, even soft foods. If you are a person who likes to look on the bright side of things, I will probably loose some weight. I know what you all will say about eating softer foods or go on a liquid diet. That will not work for me because there is not much in the way of soft foods that I eat, I love cakes and all but I am not only a sweets addict, I love salty foods as well. Liquid diets will not work cause I gag on thick, viscousy liquids. I also can't afford anything more than the occasional snack food of some kind anyway. What I wouldn't give to get teeth that I can eat pretty much anything with.
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