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Rui

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  1. I guess that's the only thing that I can do. Meh.
  2. Been awhile since I've been here, and I've had ups and downs. Currently I'm in a rut again. Few months ago I got tired of being depressed and went and got myself a self-help book. You all may know of it: Feeling Good by David Burns. I loved the book, and after applying the techniques, I felt good. Great even. The feeling didn't last for more than several days, and though I at least felt "okay", I recently took midterms which I was completely unprepared for. Even though I ended up passing the tests, my work ethic isn't there anymore. I haven't done any homework for my classes and have skipped quite a few of them. I look back on the things I wrote and said while I was happy and the words could not be more meaningless to me. I do the automatic thoughts table and see the distortions in my thoughts and all I can think of how stupid I am to believe in these things even when they are clearly unrealistic. My father, who I have not seen in years and has recovered from depression/bipolar himself lectures me on what my outlook on life should be. I already know, and his words don't help me. At some point I usually just end up tuning him out. I am seeing a therapist. I am taking medication. I talk to my friends. I use the self-help book. I listen to uplifting music. I have tried taking walks outside before. I'm not sure what else there is for me to do. With each false start I become more and more jaded. It is getting to the point where I do not want to try anything, because it will most likely just be another thing I can add to my list that hasn't helped me. I will not commit suicide because I don't want to leave the people I love behind. But boy, does life suck right now.
  3. I kind of in a roundabout way asked my dad yesterday and he said to go for it. That doesn't necessarily make me feel less guilty, as there are plenty of times he has reminded me of how much money he's spent on me. I basically don't spend anything on myself anymore. Sometimes for a lunch somewhere. Most of my money goes to my pdoc/t. Thank you all for your advice. I'm sorry that none of you can convince me to go. I really should have known this was the way things would go. I think I did a little, but at the same time I just wanted to post something because I wasn't feeling too hot. This is a very persistent problem with me. I used to be a lot better about pushing myself to do things even when I didn't want to do them. In the past few months I have become much more jaded. I have ideas floating around in my head, but they never get out. I'm absolutely hopeless when I get like this, because it seems no one's words reach me anymore. I read them or hear them and they mean nothing. My brother even gave me a pep talk yesterday... which got me going just enough to apply to a couple of volunteer organizations and whatnot. Today they tried calling me and I turned off my phone to avoid them. I don't understand why I have to be stubborn in such an awful way. My mom was fiercely overprotective of me and basically never made me do anything... but blaming parents feels so shallow, like an excuse. I can't even comfort myself with the idea that it's just the depression anymore, that it's a mental illness. Over the past few months this is who I've become. A person who stays comfortably in their room and barely ventures out... unless it's going to college. I have only a single class for the semester, because I couldn't handle two. Two classes. Ha. My friend is trying to get my attention over IM and I don't even want to talk to her because I'm so depressed. When I'm depressed she gets depressed. God, I just feel like such a ******* ***** right now. I don't know when I became so hopelessly cynical and defeatist.
  4. I presume my depression started around middle school, when I got bullied and had no friends. It was at least pretty tolerable then, at least. And then I started doing pretty terrible at college and everything went south fast. I also seem to have a habit of asking questions I already personally know the answer to. And I definitely have a habit of not following through with... almost everything.
  5. Okay, well... I applied to a couple part-time job/volunteer places. I got two responses... one I have to attend an Open House for (not for another month) and then the other I need to schedule an interview for. Which, oh dear god, every fiber of my being does not want to be a part of. I become a complete nervous wreck during interviews. And I'm not even sure how I would advertise myself when my depression has caused me to be so inactive and uninvolved for so many years. The deeper I get into this, the less I want to do it and the more I become afraid of doing so. I can already imagine myself as such a lousy employee, coming in late and just not having any energy the entire day, being pretty boring and generally anti-social, etc. My mind tends to go blank in highly demanding situations (especially social), so... that doesn't help. I feel so awful for coming here now and talking about this only to be so stubborn and unwillful. :/ I seriously doubt I'm really going to go through with this.
  6. @Lifeintheslowlane: Hmm... I'm not totally sure what that would be. I have a couple ideas... I'll keep that in mind. Thank you. @BlackVeilBride: I have done volunteering at an animal shelter before. It does sound nice, but it doesn't bring in any money, so I'm not sure it would solve my problem... thank you, though! @Quarkygurl: I understand that I can't let that rule my life but I do also need to be realistic... I was once out only for an hour and I had to come back because mom wasn't answering the phone-- turns out she'd locked herself out on the porch. Thankfully since we've intervened and laid down the law more she hasn't had almost any mishaps. I think my biggest problem is really that even though I know I should get a job... the thought makes me really nervous. Ah... I guess I should try pushing myself out of my comfort zone, though. I'm just not sure how persistent I'll be when I already feel reluctant to do it.
  7. Thanks for the input guys. susandirs: That is something that is really hard for me to accept. That relaxing and giving my time to myself is a good thing. I guess it's because I always got chewed out for being on the computer too much or playing games too much. And I'm really scared of actually getting a job... I always hear horror stories about bad bosses, co-workers, customers... it sounds like a nightmare. I'm sure not all places are like that, but with any job there comes some stress, of course... My dad keeps saying that I need experience before I get my degree and get a "real" job, or else they won't even consider me. It's like everything points to the fact that I should do it and every part of me is screaming "No!" And I wish that sort of thinking would work for me (guilt is something I can't afford) but alas I am just too good at beating myself up and getting myself down, I suppose. BlackVeilBride: The meeting people part scares me too. I've definitely got social anxiety and always get really anxious if I slip up. I can't imagine what it'd be like if I had a bully for a co-worker/boss who shamed me for it. I have a million reasons for why I shouldn't do this... I'm not even sure why I bothered asking here in the first place if I was going to be so stubborn and reluctant.
  8. Hi, it's me again. Sorry I never ended up responding to my first post. So today was all well and good (went to see How to Train Your Dragon 2 with my friend and it was amazing) until I got home and started watching youtube videos about how to program in modifications for a game called Minecraft. Well... about... a few weeks ago, my whatever-years old bamboo tablet just stopped functioning. It was kind of breaking down and then it just refused to work at all. Thing is, part of the thing I would need to do for the modifications is do some texturing (coloring) for my models. The new tablet I'm looking at would probably be about $100. It's a pretty standard tablet of a small size, and I think it's about average on pricing. I'm a little hesitant to buy anything cheaper since I would like another tablet to last me several more years. And I HAVE the money, but... its my parents', really. More of my dad's since my mom has been unemployed forever due to her medical condition. I feel incredibly guilty about spending any money, since in my eyes I haven't earned it. The money I have on my card isn't just for luxury items, it's also for my medical bills. Due to pills, my therapist and my psychiatrist I easily cost at least a couple hundred dollars a month, and that's not even starting on food or other necessities. So... this is where I am now. I am currently taking 1 summer school, T/W/T from 5:30 to 6:45 PM. So... I'm thinking about a part time job. But there's a few problems with this. 1) I'm not sure I have the mental fortitude to search for a job, let alone work one; 2) I'm pretty terrible at committing myself to anything; 3) I don't want it to stress me out to the point that it affects my class; and 4) my mom's medical condition pretty much requires that she not be left alone for more than a few hours at a time, at maximum. My brother has a full-time job buying/selling cars, and my dad is divorced from her. So is my step-dad. Oh, and the rest of her family is in Poland, with whom she does not keep up with at all. And still the problem of feeling not a cent worth the money I'm spending persists. I've sold some art before, but for pretty measly amounts. Plus, y'know... I would need a tablet to do that. Yeah, I really don't know.
  9. I have noticed that with me too, but I'm not so sure if I should be going and spending money listening to someone who I'm not going to believe... I'm wondering if maybe I take a break I'll be able to come around and feel more inspired to take an active part, rather than just keep on grinding my teeth through it. I don't think that she does, and we haven't discussed it, but as much as I know I should it would make me feel excessively awkward... I just feel like she's either a) going to tell me I need to take a more active part and that she can't 'fix' me or b) ask me for suggestions on how to move forward. I already know the first part and I don't have an answer for the second.
  10. Rui

    Stuck.

    Yeah, and it's really hard to remain positive when you just don't feel it. Like I said, it feels too fake to me... and I'm pretty bitter about the whole having to appear normal in society deal, and that kind of goes with it.
  11. @flasquish: Thank you! How in the world do you manage that, though? Do you have superpowers? (Ahaha just kidding) but I'm afraid I'm not so good at something like this... maybe I'm just too used to settling, though. @Fizzle: Sometimes I clarify, it depends on my mood. As for people I can usually open up to... that's about limited to my step dad right now. And sometimes it can be hard to open up to him because he can be dismissive and irritable as well. So that's not really helped me. The one I liked was more direct, I think. But at that time I was also feeling better and a lot more positive, and I was willing to help myself. That concept has been more and more difficult for me lately. I do think I should probably get another, I'm just not so sure now is the time. I haven't been in a very cooperative mood lately so maybe I should just stop seeing one for awhile... not sure.
  12. Rui

    Stuck.

    Hi guys, thanks for your responses. @classicmoviefan: Thanks for the offer, but I'm back in my overly irritable mood and I'd probably be some pretty terrible company. I'd say I'd get around to it later when I'm in a better mood, but I'm probably going to forget, and I don't think I'll be here when I'm feeling better, haha. @Psych: Yup, I definitely do magnifying, especially with my school. Problem is, I can't seem to stop. I might be able to prioritize myself over school every once in awhile, but it pretty much always goes back to "why am I not doing this and this for school, I feel bad and now because I feel bad I can't do anything to help myself relax because I feel guilty for not doing schoolwork." Then it just snowballs from there. I get pretty neurotic about college, but once I get anxiety going over it I can't seem to stop myself enough to actually DO something about it. And all or nothing thinking, yeah. A one-on-one meeting with my brother... nah. My brother and dad both already know about my depression, they just don't seem to think it's serious enough to warrant attention. I'm currently taking Welbutrin, Trazodone, Latuda and Remeron and then a bunch of supplements/vitamins. @Quarkygurl: Yeah, and whenever I try looking at things in positive terms it just feels so.. fake. Like why am I even trying to kid myself? If things were better then I wouldn't be feeling so awful. Those sort of thoughts. Journaling used to be a great outlet for me, but now I sometimes find it just serves to fuel my emotions. I just keep building and building on the feeling and afterward I'm no better than where I was when I started, or I'm even worse. I get iffy about leaning on my friends/family for support. Because I generally want more support than they seem to want to give, or have time/patience for. I've tried group therapy a little in a sense... eventually I ended up just bowing out. I can get started on things okay, but if I don't feel like they're doing anything for me then I quickly become disinterested. It might have been the age group/gender of the group that turned me off... might be worth looking into. Thanks for the idea.
  13. Rui

    Stuck.

    Hello all, I'm new to the depression forums (just tossed up a post over on the therapy thread). Figured I'd toss up something here as well. So I'm not too much in a bad way. I get out of bed every day just fine (more out of habit than anything, but it's something), I'm eating at least two meals a day, and I'm doing fairly well in school. Recently I've managed to bring my stress levels down and I noticed a change in my mood-- I went from being depressed to being incredibly irritable. I am irritated at everything everybody does. And I am very, very annoyed at myself for being so set in my thoughts. This seems to be a huge thing for me. There was one point where I was doing REALLY well and turning things around... and then a social situation absolutely devastated me, my grades went plummeting and I had to take spring semester off of college. Before that happened I felt like I had that moment where I realized that I was actually so much more productive when I was a happier person. I had so much more power when I was happier and it was the happiest I'd been in a long time (... save for the few days when I was high when I started out on Wellbutrin for the first time). I was still very sensitive, but I felt like I could bring myself away from the situation and return to it with a much more level head, without having any desire of bringing that other person "to justice", so to speak. Now whenever I think about that time, I get really depressed. Nowadays I am constantly irritable and seem to hold some sort of grudge against every person that breathes within my vicinity. I think about the same things that I had during that time and feel like they have lost meaning. I guess what I should really be doing is looking at it and saying "hey, you've been there once before, it's possible to be there again!" but my brain seems quite stuck on "I might have periods of joy but they never last long, and I'll always default to depression-induced behavior". I find myself frustrated while reading the self-help book I recently purchased. For those familiar with the concept, I was just reading a chapter on distorted thoughts and how they affect emotions. Halfway into the book I read an example thought being used that resonated strongly with me and I broke down crying... And then I spent about 30 minutes crying and writing in my journal, hating on myself. Because I BELIEVE in those distorted thoughts, even when I realize that they are, indeed, distorted. That I already know these things (I've done a lot of research) and yet they somehow no longer do anything for me. I guess I've become miserably jaded. I feel like I have no one to really lean on for support, sometimes. My mother has had brain cancer for awhile and doesn't have the cognitive skills to understand anything that isn't plain and simple. My brother is way too busy trying to help mom as she's gotten pretty bad lately, to the point she can't be left at home alone and needs help with physical tasks (such as getting clothed and showering). He's looking into homes and daycares and stuff like that. My best friend (and only friend I talk to even semi-regularly) also suffers from depression, though hers is more mild, so I pretty much keep myself from talking to her when I'm depressed so she doesn't have to suffer as well. My (step) dad is the closest thing for support that I have, but he doesn't really know how to handle someone who's depressed. I've told him about a NAMI workshop, but I doubt he will actually go to it. He's... a very typical man (no offense intended) in that he's not very good with emotions and he likes to make it very clear he's in charge and on top. I asked him yesterday night if we could go out for breakfast, and he said simply, without any hesitation whatsoever, "No." He does this a lot. I request something and he pretty much snaps out the answer, like I shouldn't even have bothered asking. I'm sure you can see why this sort of behavior would turn me off. So basically, I have no patience for myself and I have no one for support who has the patience and compassion that I need. I have a therapist, but a therapist is really someone who helps to get you better. I just need the support. I need someone to tell me that I'm not an ***** for repeating the same mistakes over and over again or for being so hard to convince that I'm redeemable and capable of a happy, satisfying life. And I honestly would like someone who could help me celebrate my little victories, because I derive so little satisfaction from them. Everything I read about depression is pretty much "You're on your own, kid." though. Which sucks for me, because I have 0 faith in myself anymore, ha.
  14. Hello all, I am new to these forums, and my online alias is Rui (Roo-ee). I've been seeing this therapist for about 4 months now. She's nice and all, but even after all this time I find it difficult to really open up. Sometimes I try to go for something and I feel like I don't like what she says, so it's a half-attempt that falls flat. Recently I discovered that my co-pay was actually $50 instead of $30 (and at first we had thought it was $60). My therapist agreed to settle with $45. However, I think the change in payment has made me really reconsider if I'm actually putting my money to good use. (My parents', really, since I don't have a job.) Sometimes I'm just of the idea that I need to stick it out, that the benefits of having a therapist long-term outweigh the benefits of trying to go around and find the perfect "fit". I had one therapist I absolutely adored, however she ended up changing jobs to work with more intensive patients (those with schizophrenia, etc). Since then I have not been particularly satisfied with anyone else. I thought my current therapist was good but I'm having second thoughts. At the same rate, I'm not totally sure it's not just me. My depression's been pretty bad for about a month now and I find myself almost never doing the "homework" assignments she has given me. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm not just a hardcore skeptic. I had tried her homework assignments before and I just didn't feel like they were doing anything for me. But then, I am in a bad state right now, so doing much of anything is pretty difficult. Basically I am going back and forth between "Am I in a state of mind right now that no one can help me in, or am I just seeing the wrong person?"
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