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havehope

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Everything posted by havehope

  1. Chris, wow.. thank you so much!!! You're so very sweet, kind and caring! A dozen roses for you my friend! :) You made some good points & ask very good questions! I can respond at greater length in a PM (my inbox is less full now).. In short --- My job: I must stay in until I find another. I haven't had the energy to start this certification course I need in order to get out. Now I'm thinking at the start of the new year. That will take me six weeks and I can start looking then. I can survive, but yes, it is destroying me bit by bit... My boyfriend: it is worth the fight to see this through, regardless of the issues we've faced... whether I am afraid to be alone, I could be. I'm 45. I don't want to be single anymore --- I'm tired of dating, I want a life partner... he's the best boyfriend I've had in years, despite our issues... but I do need a professional's help with this too, in case I am being blind to some things. I could be? And yes, this is the worst he has seen in me... he knows I'm not in good shape right now. California: yes, true --- only I can decide. Right now I have to put the goal of getting out of my job first I think, for the sake of my mental health. My boss just told me last night on Skype that it's difficult without me being in the office (in California)... she wants me to move there and work in the office, I think that could be detrimental though, as you pointed out... Not having a therapist for two months has also been detrimental and is contributing to my current decline. This is not good.. I see how much I am in need of professional help right now given how haywire I've been lately. :( You're the best! Rebuilding is not easy, but I give you a lot of credit for going there and for trying to make changes!!
  2. Just read a Skype from my boss... I should not have read it on a Sunday night. All it did was upset me and skyrocket my anger and frustration level towards her. I am dreading Monday.. I am dreading this week. Why did I have to end up with such a crappy boss who makes my job so very difficult? I should never have accepted this job. What a huge mistake that was.
  3. hi frozen, so sorry you're feeling this way! Try to instill within your mind that those things/negative input are other peoples' voices and are not in truth. Anything that people have said to you that involves a put down, a severe criticism, something mean or negative towards you or against your own character.. it's not in truth. It's verbal abuse and is not acceptable or OK by any means. You have value, you have meaning, you have purpose and great worth in this world. You are a beautiful and strong human being, going after your dreams and you're doing it. That's incredible, and something to feel good about. Don't ever let someone else's mean words make you feel badly about who you are. I know it's hard not to internalize those messages, but they're not in truth. Just know that those things were said by abusive people... they're not kind words, not supportive, not in truth.
  4. Hi Budfox, oopsy, my inbox was full! I cleared some messages so you can PM me now if you like. Sorry about that, and you're most welcome! Whatever support I can provide, it's my pleasure, to try and help you through your struggles.. if I can help at all I will try. We all have our struggles, that's for sure. Even just having people caring and understanding helps. You are soooo very sweet to offer any money --- thank you so very much, and that's the kindest gesture! Although I wouldn't feel right about it.. it's so very pricey to see a private therapist. They charge way too much. I think I can make it through until Jan 9th.... especially with the support of this forum and all the wonderful people here including yourself!! Thank you as well for your kindness and support... so very appreciated! Sending huge cyber hugs!! We can get through this!!
  5. Hi budfox, just sent you a message on your thread... so very sorry for your struggles right now... do hang in there and keep posting on how you're doing --- we're all here for you! I'm glad you are asking for help. And thank you..... unfortunately, there's no way I can see a private therapist right now --- too much $$ :( he and I are talking things out, so that's a good step. I will also echo your sentiments, full-heartedly! This is absolutely the best forum, with the most wonderful people I have ever met. And I mean that with all my heart. I am always astounded by the level of thoughtfulness, the kindness, compassion, support and understanding that everyone here shows to others, even while struggling themselves. Everyone deserves the biggest hugs and so much love, joy and good feelings. I'm so very grateful to everyone here. :icon12:
  6. Thank you! I am actually afraid to confront my boyfriend right now on a couple issues. I'm afraid of his reaction. My anxiety level is high because of this right now. I am trying to figure out if in fact, I am being emotionally abused. A friend brought this to my attention that I could be. I mention there are some very positive things between us, but there's some issues that are really bothersome. His reactions sometimes are bothersome. Oh Lordy, if only I could see a therapist this week. I need a professional's insight on this. I've been abused in the past many times, and wonder if I am conditioned to not even recognize it when it's happening. :( But it could be more benign. I hate that I need help, but I really need professional help.
  7. Thinking about how badly I need a therapist right now. Waiting until Jan 9th seems like forever. I have big life issues to address and resent that my old counseling center shut down. I feel very lost... I don't feel stable. My emotions are all over the place. I'm also not taking care of big life issues that I need to. My awful job has really impacted my ability to function in life. I feel like I'm just one big mess. I don't feel in control of anything. I'm only just burying my head in the sand. Why can't I motivate? Where is my energy? Is this what depression does? Make it difficult to function? I guess so.
  8. Yeah, those are very good questions! I just don't know right now... I don't even know what my gut says? There are aspects that make me happy, then a couple aspects that don't make me happy. Co-dependent... hmm.... I will read up on that. I don't know if we are? Maybe? Perhaps I am afraid to be alone? What I do know is that we enjoy each other's company, we're compatible for the most part, and we're emotionally very close. I could be a little too dependent on him though. That's a possibility. And I do worry about a major depression if we broke up. Maybe that's coloring my perspective? I just don't know. This is why I need a therapist. I'm really confused and need help. :( So mad that my former counseling center went bankrupt!
  9. Hi EmptyPages, I echo your sentiments & welcome! So I don't know how I feel... worried, concerned. My boyfriend and I have patched things up for now, but I wonder if this is just a temporary band-aid. We've got issues that are causing problems. My parents say we need counseling. I'm willing to do that, but I wonder if we can truly resolve our issues. I also worry that we've patched things up just because it's the holidays. Twice now when he's been upset he's told me that it's not right.... then he backs off and tells me he's never loved anyone more & that I'm his best friend. Are we just hobbling along? Then of course moving to California always comes up whenever we break up. I wish I could see a therapist before January. Not having one for three months has really screwed things up. These are big issues I need to address... do I sever a relationship that has issues and move to CA, or do I stick it out and see if it can work? If it doesn't work, I may be very resentful of staying. Recently I had decided to let my career dictate what I do....to put my career and job prospects first. If I moved to CA, I would have to stick with my current job which I hate, as everyone knows. I want to change jobs early next year, or as soon as I can. It would be easier to do this from where I am. If I move to CA, it will probably delay a job search and job change. Probably. I'm very confused & conflicted. I want to pull the covers over my head and bury my head in the sand. I have to go Christmas shopping today and am in no mood. Hugs and love to all.
  10. (((((Hugs))))) I've been there. So sorry you're feeling this way!
  11. Thanks SG! Sending A BIG THANK YOU to all here for all your support and sweet, kind words!! I don't know what I would do without this place!! You guys are seriously just the best! I've been so upset all day.. . Now he's saying he doesn't want to break up --- we're talking about it more tonight. I need to know if he truly feels we are not going to work out, as he was saying yesterday. Things have been a bit rocky here & there, I would say. We may go see a couples therapist at some point if this continues. Thank you all so much again...
  12. I'm sorry, I know how hard it is to need to see your doctor...and the appointment cannot come quick enough! Crisis line is a great tool to use, and it sounds like you have ways to get through until your appointment...hope today is ok Yes... thank you. I wish I could see someone sooner! Your username gives me a little hope.
  13. Sorry, duck... I'm OK. Don't worry. I'm just very unstable right now... I need a therapist and don't have one until Jan 9th. This is the worst time for me to breaking up with s love. Right before the holidays. This is the worst thing ever. I will be safe thogh and will call a crisis line if I need to.
  14. I think I'm going to K*ll mysef. I have pills saved up why not?
  15. Thank you so much, everyone.... I am a total mess right now. Took an anti-anixety pill which helped and I'm going out with a friend tonight. My boyfriend and I are now fighting about all this.
  16. Feeling the same. I think my boyfriend and I are breaking up this time for real. He just told me he doesn't think this is going to work out. I told him I didn't think so either. My anxiety level just skyrocketed. My heart is pounding in my chest right now. I can't breathe. I'm freaking out right now entirely. I think I've just gone into a panic. I haven't felt a panic attack like this before. If my boyfriend and I break up, I may downward spiral into a deep depression. My whole body is shaking. I can't believe this.
  17. (((((((Brian)))))))) We're here for you! (((((((vega))))))) so deeply sorry for your loss. May lots of comfort be brought to you.
  18. Omg.. I cannot for the life of me concentrate on work today. My brain is broken. Maybe I'll take the day off and watch movies instead. I think I'm burned out.
  19. ((((((((((((Orso)))))))))))))) BIG FOR YOU! :)
  20. I can't work today.... my mind has an enormous block, like it stopped working suddenly. Maybe I'm completely burned out.
  21. Yeah, that's perfectly understandable, Brian. I recall you saying that's your number 1 trigger. Ugh. I don't know the answer to your question --- maybe call her and talk about your concerns? Then go from there? So very sorry.. I'm somehow hoping for you that this doesn't need to end since you have fallen for her..
  22. So I learned from a co-worker that it appears there is a push-pull going on right now between my own website design concerns and my boss's intentions for the visual look of the home page. Ugh. So it is obvious to others that there is a bit of an open battle going on. Great. However, what am I supposed to do? I've emphasized three different times now that there needs to be text content on the page in order to rank the page. Yet the developer keeps sending new versions of the home page mockup minus text content, so I keep reiterating the point. My boss has yet to get on the phone with me to clarify her thoughts on the design with me. She's not communicating clearly on Skype either. So I am left to only think that she is ignoring my guidance. The page still looks terrible --- the third version of it. I can't even believe how bad it is! My boss's arrogance continues to astound me. Wanna see how bad it looks? Check this out: http://61.95.196.142/isharya/us/ My friend pointed out last night that I need to stop pushing my own agenda and work with my boss's agenda.... but if I do that, the site will flop. What am I supposed to do? I'm just trying to do the job she hired me for and do it well. She's already lost a huge amount of revenue this year in comparison to last. And I believe it's because she changed the site's design last year as well. Sorry, I know this is the same ole same ole story over and over again, but I'm at a loss.
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