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havehope

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Posts posted by havehope


  1. Whenever something bad happens, I slip easily into suicidal thinking, like I am right now. I don't know if it's worthwhile anymore. Tired of trying, tired of getting beaten up, tired of everything. Some people are just serious a-holes, and I can't deal with it. Even mental health therapists can be a-holes, and that's just not right. They can really screw with a person's mind that way. I really feel like ending it all.


  2. Feeling discouraged. I don't feel valued at work. I am underappreciated, my points and suggestions go unheeded, yet they still expect me to perform miracles beyond my control when they don't listen to my guidance for improvements needed to succeed. How can I succeed when they don't follow my guidance or listen to my expertise? Very frustrated. :(


  3. I was just about to write something positive, but then just got wrist slapped by my boss, yet again. :( I swear, I feel like everything I do and say is just wrong in her eyes. She's so harsh towards me --- no mannerisms. Geez. It just automatically deflates me every single time.

     

    On the plus side, I think I'm turning a bit of a corner --- present all the data! People cannot ignore the data that backs up my points and suggestions. It is so simple, why I didn't think of this before, I don't know. And I knew my job was data-focused, I just haven't been using it enough.


  4. I feel anxious --- giving my input at work makes me anxious. Yesterday I received some criticism over an example I provided and I was like "ouch" that hurt.

     

    I want to prove that I have valuable input, but I feel that I just butt heads in terms of how I view things, and how they view things. They're so caught up in the visuals, and I'm focused on content. I need to take a step back and incorporate both views, but I'm worried that they're ignoring the content piece too.


  5. don't know if it's even worth posting can't get out of bed. I feel sick with depression. Last couple weeks I have been feeling suicidal although I know right now it doesn't make logical sense to go through with it.

    (((((((Realreason)))))) So sorry you've been feeling this way.. I've been there myself.... no, it doesn't make sense to go through with it. Do call a crisis line if you are in trouble and need support. We're here too if you need to unload what's going on for you (((((hugs))))


  6. I wear a mask with literally every person I interact with IRL. It slips on automatically. I don't know how to stop it. This started sometime in my early twenties, after the worst of the traumas. I don't know how to take it off and show the real me. My fear won't let me.

     

    Even before, my childhood was hell, and I'd learned to hide a lot of the real me. I'm really sensitive, expressive, and emotional, but most people at school (both adults and kids) thought I was like a robot. It only came out in the stories I spun out in my head, and later learned to write down.

     

    But I still don't think I even let myself write to express myself fully. I think that's why I have such trouble finishing things: I stop before I get to the parts that are really revealing/emotional.

     

    It's like I'm waiting for permission, validation, and safety to be that way. I don't know how I'll ever get it.

     

    I'm praying to God that things change once I get to grad school...and that I get in some place nice in the first place...far away.

    Hey frozen, I would say this is both a pretty normal reaction to childhood trauma, as well as a normal defense mechanism for personal safety that most people implement. Most people wear a mask in real life, and hide their emotions and deepest pain from others. Most people are afraid to reveal their true selves in fear of being rejected or subjected to more pain. This is just a normal part of everyday life within our culture and society. Most people put on a "brave face" or a "tough facade" yet may feel really differently inside. And then those with trauma understandably have this defense mechanism to avoid additional pain. There's nothing wrong with protecting yourself from getting hurt. We all have facades...

     

    And yes, even here, we pick and choose what we want to talk about perhaps also out of protection since you're revealing your wounds to people you've never met IRL... on the one hand, that can be liberating because it's also very accepted here to be vulnerable and exposed, but in doing so, you also expose yourself to your own vulnerabilities and old wounds, which I think we all try to protect to a certain extent. Or I know I do.. even on here I don't reveal everything that's happened to me because I don't want to open old wounds and pain. I think this is all just a very natural defense mechanism in both regards. We also have to continue functioning in our lives, so letting down your guard at all times can make one feel more "open" and raw. Not sure if this makes any sense!

     

    (((Hugs)))


  7. Congrats, Hope! Best of luck! She sounds like a tough one, but hopefully some intercultural communication finesse will do the trick. I'd just recommend remembering where she's coming from, and the lens through which she's viewing all this. Hopefully she'll meet you halfway, but she might not see that as her responsibility, as the boss, or even think of it at all.

    Thanks frozen! :) :hugs: You said it! Intercultural finesse is needed!

     

    I also just realized a way around this with her --- a workaround. That instead of trying to continue to prove my point verbally to her, to simply just show her by doing. Inserting myself as necessary and where it's needed so that she can see first hand exactly where and how I need to be involved. She still doesn't understand my role fully, that's the main problem! She's viewing it through a very narrow lens, and just from her own perspective unfortunately. And I'm looking at the whole of the equation.


  8.  

    I, myself, am not sure if I got through to my boss. She acknowledged my concerns about the website redesigns, but then stated that the visuals are her first priority. OK. Though I didn't get the sense that she really truly heard me when I said that design and SEO must work together cohesively --- she's not putting SEO as a priority as well, when it relates integrally with design. How come she doesn't understand this yet?

    And I don't think she fully gets that I must be involved in the project from the beginning and not at the end. I've told her that my job cannot be done after the site is already complete, and that mistakes will be made if this is the process we follow. 

     

    When she did this before, costly mistakes were made, and the site lost rankings. There were several problems and things went wrong that hurt the site.

     

    This is all in an effort to make sure my job is done right, rather than having costly and time consuming mistakes be made, that I will end up having to scramble and fix. I'm trying to avert disaster.

     

    And yes, I think we are still butting heads. I don't think she gets it still. I'm not getting through to her. Maybe I need to change the way I communicate.

    Hope, I'm sorry. I do think it might help to change the way you communicate, having come up against this kind of thing, and studied it. It seems like vital info is getting lost in translation. Have you tried bringing up the impact on profits if the site loses rankings? Money talks, they say, and she sounds kind of materialistic to me, or at least she values things over people, it sounds like.

     

    Yes, it all seems very elementary from our perspective, but she seems to think the objective (to her) superiority of the site rather than its subjective effects on visitors is what matters. When in reality the whole point of the visuals is drawing in customers...I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. I'd feel like I was banging my head against a brick wall trying to explain arithmetic to someone who just refuses to get that our aim is to get the higher numbers, not follow a particular procedure because the book says so.

     

    Does she understand how profits are linked to site ranking, and how that's affected by visuals? Unless she's incredibly thick, it sounds like she's got some screwy info sown into her basic assumptions about the whole thing, which would be why she can't seem to hear you.

     

    Yeah, lol.. you get it, why doesn't she?  So, actually, I just presented the data that backs up my points. I had forgotten this very simple tactic and factual point of perspective to present. The data speaks for itself over any words I may be able to convey.

    In terms of profit, I can show her that the site has lost a lot of profit since last year, since she redid the home page, in fact. There's also more data I can share.

     

    And yeah, her whole focus is strictly on the visuals --- she's ignoring every other aspect that is critical to retaining visitors & for increasing profits that I have pointed out. Sigh.. yes, it's like banging my head against the wall... but again, the data speaks for itself, so if she ignores that, she's seriously ignorant.

     

    I just showed her, for example, that most visitors on one of our sites that we're redoing spend only 0-10 seconds on the site.... that's not good at all. They're demanding that I improve rankings, yet when I tell them that rankings directly correlate with visitor retention, it goes out the window. GRRR.

     

    Thank you for your reply and support in my plight! (((Hugs)))


  9. I, myself, am not sure if I got through to my boss. She acknowledged my concerns about the website redesigns, but then stated that the visuals are her first priority. OK. Though I didn't get the sense that she really truly heard me when I said that design and SEO must work together cohesively --- she's not putting SEO as a priority as well, when it relates integrally with design. How come she doesn't understand this yet?

    And I don't think she fully gets that I must be involved in the project from the beginning and not at the end. I've told her that my job cannot be done after the site is already complete, and that mistakes will be made if this is the process we follow. 

     

    When she did this before, costly mistakes were made, and the site lost rankings. There were several problems and things went wrong that hurt the site.

     

    This is all in an effort to make sure my job is done right, rather than having costly and time consuming mistakes be made, that I will end up having to scramble and fix. I'm trying to avert disaster.

     

    And yes, I think we are still butting heads. I don't think she gets it still. I'm not getting through to her. Maybe I need to change the way I communicate.


  10. GoldenEve, frozen, vega, carukia, highanxiety, bbwolf, Brian and everyone else who is suffering... big hugs, comfort, strength and lots of unconditional love being sent your way! (((((hugs)))))

    Renee, that was a beautiful post about the strength of the human spirit.

     

    Brian, fingers crossed for you! I know how anxiety provoking this must be, but I'm sure you will handle it well, and I'm praying for the best possible outcome for you!


  11. I have failed. I am a failure as a husband, as a father, as a son, as a man. I cannot make people happy np matter how hard I try. All I get for my efforts is verbal and mental abuse from people who are supposed to love and support me. I am feeling as though the world would be better off if I wasn't a part of it. I don't know how to make things better.

    (((((dave)))))) So sorry you're feeling this way... if you're receiving verbal and mental abuse, would you consider leaving the relationship(s) that are causing this? No one deserves to be made to feel badly about themselves, and no one deserves abuse. It erodes self-esteem and self-worth, when happening for a lengthy period of time... even if short-term, it works at someone's self-esteem and brings someone to feel the sentiments you are expressing. Please do take care of your self-worth... you are important, your feelings are important, and you matter in this world. No other should make you feel otherwise. ((((hugs))))


  12. do you ever feel like life is a weight you can't carry, and it feels so hard just to even breathe? 

    don't ask me how i make it through these times, i think maybe I'm just stubborn.

    20YearsandCounting, yes I often feel like this, especially right now... I know this feeling all too well.

    Although, this weekend I had a brief moment of peace, thinking and knowing that all would sort itself out somehow, all that I am carrying and worrying about. It was a brief moment that eased my anxieties and gave me a greater sense of strength, that I could make it through no matter what the outcome.. that I have before, and will be able to again. I know that my anxiety and fears will take over again and I will fret and toss and turn feeling like I can't handle things, but that brief moment of certainty helped...

    I hope to send the same kind of inner peace and certainty that I felt along to you... what is that saying? We are never given more than we can handle in life.... I believe that this is true, even though often times I feel like I can't handle it. I think we have more inner strength than we even know about or are aware of consciously.

     

    (((hugs)))


  13. Dreaded Monday has rolled around... at least it's a short.week for me. I bet if I weren't taking off Christmas eve day my boss would have me working until 6 pm.. not getting out early.

     

    This body rash is driving me crazy. If it doesn't get better on prescription meds, I'm going to have to go to the doctor. :( It's so itchy. Ugh.

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