shadow281

The past month has been very very interesting in regards to my battle with depression. I have made two changes. I cut gluten out entirely from my diet, and began to abstain from pornography. The latter may be having a positive effect on my mind somewhat (but it can fluctuate when it comes to recovering from porn addiction). Cutting out the gluten made a tremendous improvement on my brain power, it's considerably less foggy and the feeling of "cement" filling my head appears to have eased by 80%. It's been nearly 20 days since I cut the gluten out and the feeling hasn't returned. Since I stopped looking at porn (or just simply not looking at anything sexually stimulating to my mind), my mind has been getting more imaginative as well as my ability to enjoy things has been returning slowly. If this continues, this may prove to me that porn addiction is actually very damaging (since no one cares and will just blame it on other things). But only time will tell, I wouldn't go around preaching it's evil or anything, just it needs to be enjoyed in moderation like most things. But I feel the next thing that may be causing me devastating problems is something to do with my nose. It's always clogged up in some way or another, sometimes it will clear up, but this causes problems with my sleep that prevents me from getting the quality deep sleep I need to feel refreshed the next day. Plus, I keep feeling like I have hay fever and a snotty nose most of the time. Today it got really bad after my mother dusted my room while I was away for a bit. Not sure if there is a connection. My nose was actually quite clear last night for some reason (I changed to a more large supportive pillow) while I was trying to sleep, it did get more clogged up over time, but it's weird. I wish my nose was like that more often. It may be an allergy issue, which I read can cause some similar symptoms to what I experience, I will be seeing a doctor about it soon. That being said, I do feel it easing immensely, I do have social isolation (but that can hardly be helped, the area feels too hostile and unsuitable for me) to some extent, despite having pretty solid online friends. But I am feeling more functional in such a short amount of time. Just the issue with my nose may be one of the last things I need to sort out before I can fully function again. May be a month or two before I am closer to my true non depressed and tired state if things go according to plan.

Another thing, whenever I blow my nose (sometimes I feel snot), it doesn't come out as yellow or green, but rather it's entirely clear. This doesn't appear to be an infection or anything like that. My nasal passages have been clearer in the past. But only for briefly. I can recall this issue becoming really bad around the age of 12. But I also may have bad it before then...I dunno. It's really hard to tell.

I am posting this since I would still honestly like to hear some more thoughts on this situation (I know I don't like bumping threads up either all that much, plus this is pretty damn serious), but some more on what happened with the Doctor's appointment a few months back about this. Now for starters, I have been having unrefreshing sleep for most of my life in fact. Even before my social isolation (which can cause sleeping problems from what I read, as in no close friends or anything like that, still have my parents thankfully) and usually I just wake up feeling like I didn't have enough sleep. Back in my younger days I did have more days where I woke up feeling like I had sleep, but things have only recently felt slightly better since I cut gluten out of my diet (which added to my tiredness), but I don't think that really changes the fact that on some days I wake up feeling better than others. Feeling like I actually had sleep the night before. But anyway, the doctor. I have been seeing him most of my life and I went to see him a few months back to see if I could ask for a sleep study since I suspected I had sleep apnea or something similar (I mentioned I have a very stuffy nose, especially when trying to sleep). He initially didn't believe I did since, for the reason I mentioned before, I wasn't falling asleep during the day and didn't look all that tired. So he did a questionnaire for me for sleep apnea, I didn't score very high at all. He was apparently unable to refer me unless I scored higher on that questionnaire. He suggested my sleep issues were due to depression and I can't really recall that happened next. I have complained about my stuffy sinus in the past, and he always tried to get me on nasal sprays...but I don't know how to do it properly. It doesn't work very well and keeps getting into my throat. I am just not sure what to do now. My mother (I don't really feel like talking to him either, I could do it myself but eh, don't really feel like it all that much) is going to call for an appointment on Monday. I am hoping something can be achieved since this is damaging my functionality. So right now, I am cutting out Gluten from my diet, lowering my porn intake (removing it entirely, and since a week of doing this I have noticed colour returning to the world and my anhedonia is going down slightly...), and right now I have to sort my sleeping problems out. The last thing I may need to do is try to beat my social isolation. But that will be difficult seeing as this area has very few people I can actually connect to. Let alone get to know. I don't feel anywhere near as tired as I used to in the morning since I cut gluten, but that may have just added to an already existing problem for all I know.

I am sorry you have the physical symptoms of ME, which don't appear to be the case with me. I can get some pretty good exercise even if I woke up feeling tired, but it fluctuates. But I never ever feel malaise after exercising unless I over do it or something. Swimming is the only exercise I do that drains my energy for the rest of the day, but other forms don't really do that. Plus swimming is known for doing that anyway. But yes, most of my problems do remiss when I get refreshing sleep, just that's its so rare I can't really figure out if it helps all that much myself. I do know that I tend to sleep quicker the night before usually, and if I had a night where I toss and turn a lot and feel stressed out, that will determine how tired I will be the next day. This has been a problem since I was quite young, so I don't really think it's CFS/ME (I highly doubt that, since I mentioned I can exercise fairly well like I have always done, just a bit out of practice and don't feel like doing it as much) or Fibromyalgia (I do get pains, but they are not chronic). May be a depression related issue or how aroused I am before I sleep. I am not 100% sure. But you are probably right, it is likely something physiological. I highly suspect it's to do with my breathing during the night. I do have a very stuffy sinus (which I can imagine, may make my oxygen intake really poor), which may be the cause. But I won't know until I get a damn sleep study.

I am going to have to bring this up. It's about darn time something is done about this. I can actually feel more functional now since the changes, but the tiredness is still a massive hindrance that will cripple me if not sorted out soon enough. I do tend to wake up before my alarm goes off all the time too. I clearly ain't in deep sleep most of the time.

8 out of 10 times I will wake up feeling like I hardly slept at all. On the rare days that I do wake up feeling refreshed, those days I usually feel less depressed (not sure if it's a coincidence) and I tend to feel healthier too. Plus, usually on the night prior to waking up feeling better, it doesn't take me as long to sleep...but I am not sure if this is connected. I remember my sleeping sometimes not being the best during my younger years, but it got worse as time went on, most just saying I wasn't getting enough sleep (which is a load of crap, just it always took me forever to sleep) and it was causing some of my concentration issues. My concentration has improved greatly since I cut gluten from my diet, but I still suffer from tiredness. This doesn't appear to be CFS, since I can still exercise without feeling worse after wards. Plus I tend to feel the most awake at night for some weird reason. I did try to ask my doctor to allow me to have a sleep study (incase maybe I have mild sleep apnea or something, I do have a very stuffy sinus most of the time...so that could be the cause?), but he couldn't let me since I wasn't falling asleep all the time during the day. My mother is suggesting I try amitriptyline since it apparently helps her sleep, so I will try that one out in the coming days, but I am sick of this crap. I just feel too tired most of the time to get things started. Today I am particularly tired. I had a rough time sleeping last night (I went to bed at around 01:20am, didn't sleep until at least after 03:00am, I woke up at around sometime between 10 and 11 am.) and I just kept feeling these weird sensations around my body (tingles, kept worrying I was having a stroke and negative mindset), I have had this for a very long time but it doesn't happen every night. I had a few days where I woke up feeling better after I first cut gluten from my diet (and I still have a clearer head thanks to it), but after four days I just started to wake up feeling less refreshed again. But at that time I also started my porn abstinence (since it can actually cause some of my depression symptoms, so I got to cut it out to see if I improve), which for real porn addicts (I was looking at it daily and every hour pretty much) can cause some sleeping problems. Side note, I tend to become more awake after around 6-7 hours of waking up. Not sure why.

That is true. Having meaningful connections (or at least feelings of such) did make life feel much better. Helped me focus and learn better too.

By relocation you mean moving to a different area right? That has been the thing on my mind. I am not sure if it's just how I see things...but the people here are just not all that intelligent and aren't really nice to hang around. Most of the people here are too old (like 60+, but they are not a problem really) and the youngsters are a bit...off. I am not wishing for everyone to be a deep thinker, but the people here just feel thugish and really quite unintelligent. Plus, and no offence to anyone with autism, I was basically surrounded by autistic people growing up, ones with serious problems (a few possibly being future serial killers, but they may have not had autism) which has left me with a strange view on people around me. And having friends who turned on me for rather trivial and minor problems (the most recently in 2012, being something I wasn't truly responsible for) really threw me down. Which I guess kind of shows I never really had any close real life friends...ever.

Since I have improved somewhat in recent days due to cutting gluten from my diet and abstaining from pornography. I have come to realise that maybe my biggest problem right now is social isolation. At least, that is my biggest problem that may be out of my control somewhat. When I was younger (5-11), I did have bouts of what I can only describe as both boredom/isolation/loneliness all at once if I wasn't around friends very much. Back then, they didn't tend to use social media services to communicate, plus they didn't always have mobile phones (neither did I until much later). This only tended to happen during the holidays during this time, especially around the six week holiday in August in the UK. Towards the end I would start to develop horrible mental symptoms, but they would ease when I was around people again. Being alone for a week or so didn't do much damage. After I was sent to special ed (from ages 11-17 I was in special needs environments whenever I was at a school) for my numerous angry outbursts and undiagnosed depression symptoms (this may have been the result of a gluten problem most of this, but hard to tell in all honesty), I began to feel more and more isolated despite being around people? Why you may ask? Well, because the people around me were not comfortable for me to be around. In fact, many of them were very odd and not easy to socialise with at all. Plus...too many of them were quite boring and uninteresting to me, which if you are trying to be friends with someone, that's a pretty important fault. Both friends need to be interested in each other in some way. I hate to look like I am bashing people with autism, but how are you supposed to develop social skills around these people if you are an other wise high functioning person (that, today at least, doesn't really seem to have any real autism symptoms!). From what I have read, people with social isolation tend to have two factors. They notice more faults about people they are looking at, and they tend to be very "fearful" of anyone they know/don't know more often. At least a few months into my time at this first school, I did start to be bothered by what others were doing more! It never used to be this bad, but I just suddenly became ultra sensitive to what I was seeing others do. I didn't feel a proper connection with anyone at these schools, so that might be the reason for this. Apparently it still counts as isolation if you are around people you don't feel connected with. AKA, they aren't a genuine friend. And later on, after being yelled at and made fun of by various children because I was naive and (this actually happened) tried to be friendly when everyone was so hateful if they were not associated with their particular social group (for the record, there were no punks, goths, emos, metalheads, or any of those kinds of groups at this school. I have only seen three metalheads in my time at any school...and they were at another school that was almost just as bad...), I began to actually become fearful of the people around my age. I am not kidding, I don't fear older people, but people who are around my age. Just...how does that make any sense? I read that this can be a sign of social isolation, since the brain, being isolated and perhaps aware of the negative attitude of people (the ones I met anyway), puts me in a minor fight or flight response (but most of the time it's pretty moderate) whenever I am around a group of young people (walking on the streets or something), expecting them to yell at me for no real reason. To make matters worse...I keep thinking I see people from these schools everywhere I am going right now. Not the ones that wronged me, but ones who I remembered just sort of being there. This may sound harmless, but in my mind I fear the ones who did wrong me will be nearby! How paranoid is that?! Now obviously, one way I could sort this problem out is by trying to find new friends...well...if that was so easy, why can't I find anyone? There is literally no social outlets in the area I live in, at least no comfortable social outlets a more introverted person like me could enjoy going to (I am not comfortable with going to nightclubs or general clubs). And the people around my age here are not really the kind of people I can get on with. Most of them are more interested in loitering and sports related things. The irony is that the ones who did have similar interests (mainly video games, but there is more to me than that, I want to do writing) were not very good friends. They would just remove me on a whim if they didn't like something I said (I did have one remove me for swearing during a convo just once...I am not kidding) and they did not give a flying s*** if they were making me socially isolated. The other negative effects this has had on me is I used to be very needy and rather annoyed if someone (who I saw as possibly being a better friend) ignored me, since I saw them as a way of feeling better, but they couldn't be my friends because they were too busy for me, or too far away. This doesn't happen anymore thank god, but this was because my social isolation hit rock bottom. I was trying to save myself from this point years ago, but tried too hard to do it. I have been like this for around 7 years at least now. Leaning into 8 years actually. And I have yet to meet anyone in real life who I can deem as a real friend. Almost everyone doesn't really care much about me and it all just feels superficial. I stopped talking to this one "friend" I had a while ago. And he barely texts me to ask me how I am (he only did it twice since May last year, but I never felt close or connected to him whenever I spoke to him) and he doesn't really respect me all that much. Whenever he came over, all he really did was try to search youtube videos up in a forceful fashion. Mainly X Factor or Britain's Got Talent videos (seriously) all the time. And he went on once about how it's better to be into bestiality than it is to be a homosexual...which, not as a person who is gay (I am hetero), but as a person who doesn't like a******s in general, this bothered me. But then again, maybe this was because he wasn't a very good friend in the first place. I had another say the same about me once, but only because I could barely speak to him and he was always purposely trying to alienate me from his other friends, so there was no way I could even be a proper friend since he wouldn't let me get close. And this was because of the people I was around online at one point (They were...rather terrible, this was during 2011). He pretty much let it all out on me one day and I removed him, realising he was a toxic person. He was like that in primary school too. Oh, maybe this may be quite interesting. Both of these friends were from the same primary school. Yet I couldn't communicate with the ones from the special ed schools. That kinda goes to show that the people from those schools were not really approachable at all. This maybe went on for too long, but does it seem like social isolation may have been a rather big cause of my worsening depression? I am actually really annoyed and frightened that I have been like this for so long.

Agreed. """""Why not focus that energy and anger on working through the withdrawal and recovering?"""" That is what I am doing. Just that you know, lack other real life distractions, the numb emotions (possibly and most likely caused by the porn addiction) making computer based distractions more difficult, no way of making friends in my area (it's not impossible, but lack a car and my social skills were badly damaged by being forced to spend 6 years in special needs schools) and of course very negative thoughts and worries can make this a rather challenging situation. I don't intend to give up on it, but my willpower will be tested. But it may be very possible that abstaining for 5 months will allow my brain to function better, which may allow for better social interaction and...and this can happen according to other recovering porn addicts, being able to attract girls more easily (no one knows why exactly either). But it's not my main goal in life to attract girls.

Unless I completely loose interest in it, which from what I read is possible for people doing similar things, it will control me still if that doesn't happen with me in a way (since I will probably be fearful of sexual stimulation, plus there are literally no females for me to really socialise with where I live, my area is actually partially responsible for my depression funnily enough). I may only look at it after my brain has rebooted but only under controlled and spaced out sessions. That is, maybe once/twice a week (and abstain on any other days which I don't allow myself to look at porn) and of course ignore the urges to *********. It will be good for my willpower to do that, especially since my willpower improved a hell of a lot since I cut gluten out from my diet (many of my depression symptoms have eased). But hopefully the urges to look at it will go away too, but my life circumstances led to this point anyway. So the best way for me to give it up completely is to get my life to improve. Which if my depression symptoms were being worsened by the porn addiction, should be fairly easy for me to do after 5 months. I ain't going to break this abstinence for at least 5-6 months. Since that's the average length of time it takes for a young porn addict to recover. And depending on what happens then, I will hopefully make some positive changes. If I do decide to go and look at porn again (but with renewed willpower and more awareness of what will happen if I look at it too much), it may be a while after I have recovered.

Alright, here is the plan. Assuming it takes around 4 months for my brain to recover, I won't return to my porn addiction. But rather, I will ensure I only look at it for a certain amount of time when I feel the time is right (depending on what's going on in my life at the time, hopefully something other than the computer and myself) but without the intention to *********. Which...in itself, is kinda hard to do. But porn viewing does the most damage if done on a daily basis. I actually do feel a bit tired and lethargic if I even look at something that may arouse me. I still can't really get an erection but I know that's just from overstimulating the pleasure part of my brain. This happened tonight but by accident (and thankfully was very minor). I have to be so freaking careful right now or I could relapse. I know this thread will get removed soon, but I had to hear other's thoughts on this. So glad no one came and told me it was healthy and all that crap. It's not healthy if you are getting Erectile dysfunction from it.

I have been begging my parents to allow me to go away from any source of internet for a while...but now I can see why. MY subconscious knew that I needed something to help me get out of this rut. Even back when I was 15 I was like this. This fetish I have is rather...inbuilt into my personality. It didn't develop with the porn, rather it got me into the porn. I won't ever give it up, but rather I will aim to keep it in moderation, it's more important I obsess over my other creative sides rather than write silly fetish stories or look at pictures of it. In fact, if this is a porn addiction, this might actually do me good in the former.

It is just that since I started to look at porn more often, I have felt more dependant on it. Other things just don't give me the same buzz you know... I wish I never took Prozac while I was addicted. If I wasn't I would know for sure my anhedonia (which, as I said, I still get joy out of looking at good porn) is a result of porn addiction, rather than a permanent SSRI effect. It's scary, I felt joy and my erections did improve at times this year. So it can't be a permanent effect from Prozac, yet people say anhedonia sometimes lifts. It's so hard to tell and it confuses and frightens me to death. I have felt some sort of anhedonia before the Prozac, and didn't always have it while I was taking it. So it's possibly the porn addiction?

I bought this up to my therapist, she just said that I was getting bored of my usual fantasies (I have a very odd sexual fetish, it's harmless and unerotic to most so it isn't one of the illegal horrible ones) and that I just needed a break. Bulls***. If I am bored of it, why do I keep thinking about it? I ain't bored, I am addicted and my libido is damaged beyond hell. I can barely get morning wood these days! And no, I won't elaborate on my sexual fetish, but let me tell you, sexual fetishes are terrible things to have for some people. Especially this really niche one that I have. It's so niche I don't try to look for more extreme forms of it, rather higher quality depictions of it. I would spend hours looking up new scenes involving this to the point I was obsessed. It's lucky that your usual bikini clad women won't really strike a cord with me as much due to this, which is actually useful considering my situation. But I still have to avoid since if I like the look of a woman...yeah, I will be stimulated. I don't intend to give up porn permanently, I do want to write erotic stuff for the internet someday (mainly to practice my writing skills). But right now, I must reset my brain in order to prevent my mental state from declining further into hell. I have to abstain for at least 4+ months before I start to improve (I have only been doing this for around four years, so I don't think the recovery will take too long, but its hard to tell) back to my normal state. My normal state as in my abilities and energy prior to 2011, and with eliminating gluten from my diet (And the benefits I am having with clearer thinking), this may allow me to finally function again. I am addicted to the internet too however, so I may need to sort that out too. But the porn addiction is the thing that over stimulates the brain. And I blame others since I was around these very perverted people back in 2011 who were really into porn (they were also a part of the Brony fandom...very odd and unpleasant people despite what they claim. No, I am not like them anymore), my attempts to make friends were problematic due to my addiction taking a toll on my personality as well as the unavailability of people in my area, and of course the people defending porn saying that these erectile issues as well as emotion symptoms are never caused by porn addiction. After all, it's healthy and natural to ********* every day and look at sexually stimulating pictures every hour every day. Since stopping, I have realised how problematic my life really is. The gluten free diet clearing up my brain helped me come to that conclusion. I had feelings it was this back in 2011 but now only just realised it truly was because I had addiction problems.