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  1. Sounds to me like he's an uncaring little turd. He can't be arsed to even reply to your calls and messages about visiting the doctor? And then he's too busy taking drugs with some friend? AND he gets mad at you for being rightfully upset with his behaviour!? Honestly, he doesn't sound like he cares for you and loves you, and you'd be better of with someone else. Someone who'd give you the love, attention, and care that you deserve. But, I'm glad you've finally went to the doctor's. Hope you make progress soon, with or without meds. Take care!
  2. Took a bath, did some grocery shopping, made lunch, studied a little... Nothing impressive.
  3. Well I'm still alive. Too much of a failure to do even that right. Anyways, after several hours of conversation with J., L., and S., turns out that S. didn't actually cheat on me and that J. is just a manipulative b*tch who was jealous of me and S. for being close and everything. S. and I talked... she still has feelings for me... and was of course worried sick about me when I went off to k**l myself. She helped me bandage myself, held hands, hugged me... she even kissed me... We're not back together but we both still have feelings for each other... it's just that with both of us being such a mess, I don't know how to go on. I'm gonna go get some rest now. I'll keep you updated about this...
  4. Latest update on this clusterf*ck of a relationship; I've been talking to that friend of ours, J., and she unwittingly admitted that her and S. have been having sex since January ( which btw is when S. and I started dating ). J., whom I've known for about 2 months, and S. for over 3 years, didn't know that S. and I were girlfriends, and I had kept it a secret from her throughout these 2 months on S's insisting ( she was quite insistent, btw ). So yeah. Someone please reply and give me some advice...
  5. So we had a talk and she broke up with me. She said I was selfish and a sadistic bully, that I don't really care for her and only keep her as a security blanket, that she's nothing but a thing to me which I cuddle with or punch depending on my mood... She said she doesn't love me, and that her feelings for me are somewhere between apathy and contempt... In the end she told me we can stil be friends, said she feels sort that I'm suicidal, hugged me and kissed me on the cheek. And that was that... Well.
  6. Walked aimlessly through a field. Played table-tennis and some soccer. Didn't **** myself.
  7. Well how do I convince her that her conclusion is wrong!? I really don't feel like being the.one to initiate a reconciliation ( as I ALWAYS do ) since I believe she was completely in the wrong during this last fight. I really don't know what to do.
  8. Spend most of the day with my ( wider ) family, celebrating my dad's and brother's birthdays. I originally didn't want to go but figured it'd be smart to surround myself with people, and I desperately needed a change of scenery. I did a fair amount of walking alone through the fields, and played table-tennis and stuff. Doing things made me feel a bit better and took my mind off uglier things while I was preoccupied, but as soon as I stopped and sat down I felt crappy and depressed and hopeless again. I also did some self-injuring when no one looked. Guess I'm really hitting the bottom here. Meanwhile, S. isn't trying to contact me or anything, and seems to be ignoring me.
  9. I had a talk with S. and our mutual friend J. over skype and it ended up with me heading for the drawer with the knives. Saved by my mom being awake and around. Guess I'm not gonna die just yet, but I sure as hell don't have the strength to keep on living like this.
  10. Well if she's acting this way to run me down and destroy my confidence, then she's certainly succeeding. Cause I have no confidence whatsoever. Nor self-respect, or anything. Today we talked and it started out as an argument. She had a bad fight with L. about a month or so ago, and they had a falling-out. S. moved to a friend of hers, and is no longer even talking to L. anymore. She says she's done with L. and doesn't want to see or hear her ever again. I tried talking her into solving this problem, talking to L. to settle their differences and be friends again... but S. just kept shutting me up, telling me I have no idea how she feels, that it's none of her business... She also told me she is jealous, said stuff like that I should just go to L. and f**k her since I 'obviously want to'... I felt so helpless, so guilty, and couldn't muster a good response. Some standing up for myself that was... I feel so weak and worthless. For the last few days we only talk in the evenings as I've started putting some distance between us, but it does me little good. I find myself thinking about her half the time, feeling so lonely, craving some love and affection. I... yearn to be touched... We haven't been intimate in weeks, and haven't had sex in over a month. Usually I wouldn't have so much trouble coping with this, but with my depression and everything, it's really bringing me down, and I feel so lonely and miserable...
  11. Went outside for grocery shopping twice. Had a meet-up with a friend. Not exactly impressing.
  12. If he doesn't stay with you after you tell him you're depressed, and doesn't support you, then it's a relationship not worth keeping. You shouldn't have to hide who you are and how you feel just to keep the relationship. Sure, there are people who just find themselves unable to cope with a depressed partner, but someone who tosses you away at the very beginning, without even trying, is not worth you. So go and see a therapist. Whether you want to talk to your boyfriend first, or only after speaking to the therapist, it's up to you. It might be better to see the therapist first and ask for some advice, but that's just me. And don't blame yourself if you no longer know about how you feel about him, or if you feel like you've become more numb. That's how depression works. It sucks, believe me, and you'll probably feel s***ty about yourself for it, but always remember that depression is an illness and that's one of the symptoms. So don't go hard on yourself. I wish it all goes well for you.
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