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Valgomoms

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Everything posted by Valgomoms

  1. I was almost scared to look at the picture, the way you described yourself. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but your a nice looking young man! I really don't see yourself as you see it. And you know what? You have a kind face also! She said that she saw you and your everything she needs. Why doubt her? Why would she lie to you? Trust her and yourself. Be kind toward you. Put more love in your words instead of hatred. You deserve so much more than your hatred! I hope that you'll give her and yourself a fair chance! Good luck, beautiful man!
  2. I don't think I ever told my story to you guys. Shame? Fear of being judged? Fear of being made de bad person? ... But after reading members confidences, I think I owe it to you... I've been married for 19 years and i'm now 43. From the get go, my husband has always been controlling and manipulative. Which I was not aware of because it's very subtile. Or I knew but didn't want to see it. I had to do things his way or he would get angry at me. He would say that i'm stubborn, like if I didn't have the right to have my own way of doing things. He knows how strongly I react with anger or agressivness. I totally shut down. I would do anything to avoid someone's anger. 7 years into the mariage, I met someone else and almost left my husband. I coudn't take his unkidness anymore. He asked me to give him another chance and that he would get better. I did. He totally stopped being nasty when he was talking to me, still to this day. But he's controlling and manipulative ways were still there. After 19 years, the mariage is not the same. Yes I love him, but the sex life is not the same and we took each other for granted. Anyway, last winter we went on vacation to Dominican Republic and we had a great time! When we came back, My husband wanted to go again with on of his friend for 10 days. He doesn't work winter time, so he was free to go and it was very fine with me. And when he came back he told me that he would like to go over there, every winter, for about 8 weeks. Honestly, I didn't see any reason to go against him, because I know he is miserable during winter (seasonal depression). But suddenly, something was off. His behavior with his cell changed. He was keeping it always close to him, checking it every 5 minutes. It was such extreme that my inner voice felt something very wrong. I asked him about it, one night. I was crying and I knew something was wrong. He told me that everything was fine and I was worrying for nothing. That's when I did what I had to do. I woke up in the middle of the night and checked his cell. There was a message from a 19 years old girl (my husband is 52!) from over there with only the number 69 as a message. Between you and me she doesn't have 69 chicken in her henhouse! There was a picture of her also in his pictures. All the other messages were deleted. I knew right than, that he was up to something. When he woke up, I confronted him about it. He was in shocked. Not knowing what to say. He said that it was a girl that he met over there and he didn't want to tell me he was chating with her because I would of been jaleous. I told him that if he would of show me the messages, i wouldn't have any reason of being jaleous. But he deleted everything and there was the "69" number. He said it was a code to make sure he was the one texting her and not me!!! Can you beleive it? I said that if he was texting her 69, to make sure it was him, why was she texting him 69? It doesn't make any sense. He started to say that the relationship was not good anymore (sex wise) and EVERYTHING was my fault. He told me a lot of hurtful things. It came down, that I didn't want him to go back winter time because of all the texting. It was out of the question for me. He started to say that I didn't have the right to bully him, that he has only 1 life to live and if I refused him to go and I was leaving him ,everything was my fault,...bla,bla,bla. Very agressive and manupulative. It's like if I suddenly had another man in front of me. Not my husband. My depression started to go downhill very fast. I even had suicide plans. So I went to the doctor and they gave me AD. I had a few therapy which helped me tremendously to find myself again. So till I can find the strenght to deal with him again, I decided to focus on me. My life changed a lot. I made contact with a few lost friends (which he didn't approved before), started to do more things by myself. Finding a passion (painting). I still haven't made my mind about his vacation next winter. Because he says that whatever I think, he is going! Still find myself very weak to let it go, but I don't know what to do. During the summer time, my husband stopped being controlling and manipulative. Which gives me anxiety, because it's like if I'm wainting for him to go back to his old self. I know he stopped texting that girl because I never found any other message. Now he wants to go 6 weeks and in the middle of the 6 weeks I would join him for 2 weeks. I forgot to add, during the summer he set up his cell phone with a password. When I found out, I confronted him and he was so mad! He said that he knew I was going to check on him again and that's why he put one up. When he told me his password, he changed it again. I'm not proud of myself for doing this, it's the 1st time in 19 years that I had to go through his cell, but I needed to know. Still, he will hide when entering his password, and it breaks my heart that we are like this today. It's very complicated. And I don't know how to let go of a 19 years relationship because my husband wants to go on vacation. :verysad3: I am so sad and so hurt and believe it or not, I feel so guilty! But one good thing that came out of it, is that finally, I think more of myself and I am learning to put boundaries, which i am not very good, still. Oh my, so sorry if it's all complicated to read, but it came out this way...
  3. I'm going to talk from my OWN feelings and experience, so it doesn't mean that it applies to you. We have our own hurts and experiences. Meaning that we all interpret things in different ways. I don't know the context where it happened and i'm not in his head, so take it with a grain of salt if it's not the case for you! The reason why i'm telling you this is my husband (married 19 years) is a manipulator and i'm working very hard in my marriage about this. Saying something like "i'm not obligated to love you", is very hurtful. Somewhere close to manipulation. If my husband was telling me this, i would feel so insecure, even more if there is no intimacy. For me it would mean: if you want me to continue to love you, you should be very careful". It doesn't inspire security from the one who should be with you and support you. It would bring me a guilt trip and anxiety. If i'm not good enough, will he leave me? If i'm not pretty enough, will he stop loving me? ... But, hey, that's me. From my history, i'm very sensitive to manipulation, that's why your post sent me a red flag. But like i said, this comes from my own fears and experiences. Like the girls said, the best way to deal with it would be to ask him what he really thinks. This way, you'll stop your uncertainty. I hesitated before writing this post, because i don't want you to feel bad if there is no reason to be. But, you ask for our insight, so it was mine! Wishing you the best in your marriage! Hugs.
  4. Hi Duck, I work with a group insurance broker! So LTD is part of my job. The way it works is you have to send your LTD form with your specialists reports. If your seeing more than 1 specialist i would recommend a report from each one. If your LTD is for 4 months only, you'll send your initial report and the last one should be a paper saying that you can go back to work. 4 months is a short time for the insurer, so you won't have to send anymore reports in between. Good luck!
  5. I agree with Fizzle. If you don't learn a different way to deal with your emotions and life in general (that's where therapy is essential), you'll stay stuck. Maybe if you change your therapy approach? Have you try CBT therapy? Very effective with depression.
  6. Fizzle, your right. I didn't see it this way. Some people had traumatic event and, yes it would mean going back in the past!
  7. I had about 10 sessions with my therapist and I already feel that I can take over from now on. When I first when into therapy, I thought that I had to go deep in my past but it's not what happened. My therapist didn't believe in living the past over and over. She said that I know inside what happened and now we have to find the tools that will help me deal with all the life event and my emotions. I think she was right, because I feel more calm and ready to deal with all my things. It's still a little bit scary, but i know i can contact her anytime if i feel the need to talk to her. But deep down I know that I have the courage and confidence to takle life better than before!
  8. Sorry to contradict you, but any kind of abusing behavior is very serious. It will damage your self-esteem in no time. I'm not in your situation, but I can understand your anxiety and fear. I find that writing helps me a lot to see more clearly and it helps with the anxiety. If you have a specific plan ahead of you (an apartment, when and how you'll move out,...) might help you too. If you think that telling him in advance will trigger an episode of abuse, don't tell him, just go. I know it's hard, but you really have to concentrate to take things one step at a time. If you let yourself go deeper in your fear and anxiety it will be very hard. Try to not listen to your anxiety too much. Keep yourself occupied and make a list of what you can and can't control in that situation. And try to let go of the things you can't control­. I know, easier said than done... but breathe and be kind to yourself
  9. I didn't vote because, it could be a few of the items listed, but what truly triggered my depression is how I respond to life event. I'm reading a book someone suggested in the forum, and i can't remember who!, and it really touched the problem. It's how I see, focus and deal with life in general. This is such an eye opener for me because I thought that externals factors were mostly responsible, not me. But I know sometimes illness can give you depression and other out of control factors. For me it is all under my control, if I make the change. I'm almost finish and i'm going to read it again. Too much informations and exercise to do.
  10. I want to say that you are very brave and strong because, i'm sure it was not easy for you to call the life line! And you are doing everything in your power to get better, that's good. Big hugs! You can refer to the courage you had (when you called) to go outside shopping. It's not easy, but you have the strength to do it. One little step at a time.
  11. I'm so glad you gave me some news. Thank you! Please, If you can't wait until monday, can you go to an hospital? There's no shame about asking help, it shows a lot of strength! Don't trust and listen to your feeling right now, it's the depression talking, not you! Keep me up to date, i want to know how you're doing!
  12. I saw my therapist thursday, and she told me that she can't remember a time when she had so much suicidal crisis in August. Usually she will be very busy in november and the winter's month because of the lack of sunshine, but rarely summer time. And it all started last monday, when we heard about his death. She's still waiting for the reports, but she's sure it's related about his suicide. So weird, isn't?
  13. Ink8290, Do you have any friends or family close to you? If you don't, please call a suicide lifeline NOW! They will help you and give you some tips on what to do. Your symptoms and fear are paralyzing you and you have to act right now. You had suicidal thoughts yesterday, and i don't take this lightly. Can you take the phone and call? Here's a link, from this forum with the country's suicide hotline phone number. If you had the strength to reach to us, you have the strength to call. http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/76815-dfs-international-suicide-hotlines/ You know, if you just talk to someone, it could help you tremendously! Hang in there sweetie, it WILL get better, even if you don't see it right now. Please, come back soon to let me know how it went. Big hugs. I'm with you!
  14. I've been taking Cymbalta 60 mg, for about 3 months. I can say that 2 weeks ago, I really could feel a huge difference! I was feeling pretty good, laughing a lot more and beeing more myself. But since the las week, I can feel depress again and I don't like it at all! Is it too soon to go to the doctor and see what we can do or is it very common to have ups and downs like this? Thanks
  15. Good bye, ô my captain, my captain... :verysad3: What touches me in his death, is that he was showing everybody that he was okay but he was suffering so much inside. Like a lot of us (me), not showing the real pain...
  16. My doctor told me that my sex drive and my weight "should" not change with Cymbalta. And it didn't. I honestly don't see any difference. If their is something, it's better than before because the depression symptoms are going away!
  17. If i talk about my experience, i was the kind of person to cut off people from my life because it hurt too much being in a relationship. I always had the feeling that people were around me because they were doing a good action, if not why would they be around me? I was abandoning them before they did. I was so sure that people disliked me (in the back of their mind) that i avoided long term relationship with friends. Better leave someone than being rejected, no? Maybe. But i was so lonely, angry and depressed. I started reading a book and i understood that i could not be vulnerable (me) around people because i was so ashamed of me. So i started to be more "me" with all that implies. With my shame, fear, sadness, with all my raw emotions. It was so scary, but slowly i did it and it paid off. I have more people around me, more close friendship. And i risk the fact that people might leave me but at least i'm living my life and i feel so much better. So, being close to people can be very scary, because they can hurt you, leave you, dislike you, all the things we try to avoid because it's so painful. But you can't control what people do. Somehow, you have to trust that whatever happens you'll be okay. Yes, you can be hurt, but this is life. And if you give you and your friends a chance, you can gain so much from your friendships. I really believe that loneliness is so hard and we're not suppose to be alone by ourselves. We need each other in all our differences. I hope that you'll find a way to bring back your friend in your life (if he is good for you). Sometimes just explaining to our friends that we did something and we don't know why and that we are sorry because we hurt them is enough to bring them back into our life! Good luck
  18. I think everybody in my life knows. My main problem before i started my pills, was my isolation. So i decided to take the bull by the horn and tell people. It was not easy but it helped so much. Now today, i tell everyone and i'm okay with it. It's even addictive, i can't stop talking about it. It's just the first steps that are hard. We have to talk about it to people. You would be surprise how much people will accept how you are and not judge you.
  19. Often, i'll wake up in the middle night and start ruminating. My therapist told me that the last thing i should do in bed, before turning the light off, is to right everything (small sentences) that is bugging us, even the good things that happened during the day. And it works! If i wake up i'll go back to sleep faster because i wrote my worries the night before. Example of small sentences: - i'm so angry that (name) did that to me! Who do he thinks he is? - i'm scared that i won't have enough money to pay my rent. - i was so happy to have my friend over for dinner! - ... Sometimes i can fill out a whole page! But it doesn't stay in my head.
  20. I am also struggling like you. My depression is under control but my anxiety seems to get worse. Here's what I do when i get in the obsessive thoughts moods: I wrote down all my tools in a small book that is with me at all time. Because when my thoughts take control, i seem to forget what to do! 1. Write down my worries, they have to get out! 2. Acknowledging how i feel (shortness of breath, thoughts, ...) without trying to change it. Just saying: ah! I have a hard time breathing, i'm thinking a lot, i'm nervous, my chest is tight,...that's okay! And usually it helps a lot. 3. Reminding myself that i have NO control on the future, so what's the point of worrying? 4. Taking a piece of paper and drawing something putting my concentration into it. It surprising how it works! 5. Saying the serenity prayer (if you believe in it) 6. The ULTIMATE tips: grab my shoes and go running! 7. EFT with brad yates on youtube for anxiety or the other one with fear. It is very soothing! Their is a lot of tips on internet, but you'll find what works for you!
  21. Thank you Lauryn for your reply! I'll look into the book!
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