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About tothegarden

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  • Birthday 05/20/1992

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    Literature, music and old films.

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  1. Happy anniversary! It's always good to get positive threads to remind people there are many ways out. I also have a habit of looking back at the past and recalling to myself what happened on that date to see the progress I've made in a year. I remember my first appointment with my current therapist three years ago and boy, have I changed since... I can't say I'm feeling too well right now but I have more confidence in myself and a much wider perspective on life. And like you said, better control over my emotions. I feel much less alienated when it comes to dealing with situations of stress and anxiety, even though they're still there and probably always will be. Hope the rest of your life will bring you this much satisfaction, if not more
  2. Welcome to the forum, Scorpio012. Your post is very moving and I'm sorry for your loss. I can relate to the pain you must have felt when you finally saw your mother and had her not recognise you once you got out of prison. Life is full of those moments where the pain seems unbearable but I try to tell myself that they are nothing against all the possibilities life can offer... Every day I keep telling myself that I do the best I can, and that helps me a lot. I hope one day I'll be able to accomplish twice as much as I've accomplished in the past few months and I hope the same for everyone who suffers from depression and suicidal ideation. I'm sure your mother must be proud of you - you are her son. I relate to your feeling suicidal as well, even though I'm younger, but please don't get those urges get the best of you. You are a valuable person, your sincerity shines all through your post. I would recommend spending as much real time as you can with your father as emailing can sometimes prove to not be enough as you've mentioned in your post. Most importantly, be gentle with yourself and take it one day at a time. Best wishes.
  3. It's sad that there are so many people who have no understanding of mental illness or just no basic awareness of the fact that all human beings are different and that suicidal thoughts are a threat, they're real and dangerous, no matter what the triggers may be (sometimes there are none). And that some people are more prone to them, for many reasons. Just try to remember that the responses you get are usually subtle and unconscious echoes of people's own fears (or insecurities) about death. It's good that you have a friend who understands, though. A relative once told me that if I did commit suicide, it would be the most selfish thing I could do. I honestly have no idea how someone can say this unless they still have such a shallow and 'separate' perception of life, pain, depression and death? all this does is confirm that this person is the selfish one, not you. The simple fact that you're trying to confide in someone and show them that you trust them enough with such a sensitive issue and all they do is be this avoidant and self-absorbed is proof of their own selfishness... Ironically enough, that comment offended me so much the only way I could exteriorate that anger was towards myself. On the positive side, this is a way of knowing who your real friends are.
  4. My uncle, cousin and sometimes my aunt act a bit strange when I'm around. Like they are distancing themselves from me in a way, as if I intimidate them somehow or bring this huge wave of awkwardness. I think at this point I'm basically seen as the weirdo in the family. They're understanding but just strangely cautious. I can't say I like it very much. Just because I'm depressed doesn't mean that I'm a buzz-****, that my condition is contagious or that I'll ruin the mood by my simple presence. I can also relate to the part where you say people talk as if you weren't around. I usually get completely neglected in family gatherings - all I get is a simple 'thank you so much for coming' but no one ever asks me what I'm up to or how I'm feeling - I mean, jesus, it's not like I'm going to tell you all about my anxieties but it's nice to know you're being included in a debate or discussion for once. Or that someone cares about you, especially when you're so down. I feel this happens with most people really. I suppose people see me as this overwhelmingly melancholic person and every time they see me they are reminded of their own melancholy so I always get 'that' look - the cautious, prudent, slightly pitiful look. I know for sure people appreciate my presence but that's all they seem to appreciate. I always end up being overlooked, silent, if not invisible as soon as discussions arise. I guess it's my fault for being so shy, but I can't stand the glance of pity in people's eyes when they see me or their habit of ignoring me as if I were a complete downer.
  5. I'm very obsessive about the cleanliness of my clothes (especially my jeans) but I usually wear my jeans at least twice before washing them. I used to wash them after every single time I used them two years ago and they ended up shrinking, even at low temperature. The 'dirtiness' depends on quite a few factors to me; activity, weather, pollution. Usually if I just wore them for 3-4 hours, I would put them in the "worn" side of my wardrobe and wear them one last time before I wash them again. So I don't see an issue in wearing your jeans twice unless you were in an usually hot or polluted area. But since you went grocery shopping, no problem with that.
  6. I have this thing with health that I find to be a very good thing in fighting depression. I'm speaking mainly gastronomically. I try to eat as healthily as I can just because of the effects this habit has on me. Like for example the simple act of eating a salad makes me feel so good, both mentally and physically. I feel so happy about myself by simply feeding myself a salad. (It's a bit strange to explain). The same thing with oranges. In other domains, I would say the same; I try to invest my time in things that I know I will benefit from in the best / healthiest possible way. Sorry if that sounds a bit conceited, it wasn't meant to. I'm very quiet and don't make a scene about everything. Life has taught me that a lot of things happen because they are meant to, and that brings me some sense of control. I wasn't like that as much before, though. I'm a really curious person which for my suicidal ideation is a threat. I'm suicidal but I wouldn't say I'm a defeatist. I actually think deep down I have a profound love of life. I've had a lot of times where I felt just about ready to go but the only thing keeping me from going through with it was the certainty that I might read a great book in the future or that there is so much music to discover for me still. Which brings me to my next point... I love reading, listening to music and watching old films. I think those three things are maybe my only reason for still being here. Great thread, btw. Reminds everyone here of their intrinsic qualities.
  7. I'm deeply sorry for your pain. As a gay man myself, I can relate to a lot of what you've written. I'm 22 but I remember my teenage years like they were yesterday. It was a living nightmare. It's bad enough that you have to fight every day and night to find some peace (and some amount of understanding) with / of your sexual orientation throughout all these years (and all the ones ahead), the prejudice, rejection and hatred from other people is what makes it truly horrible. Personally I had multiple clashes with my father. I still hold a huge grudge against him for all the anger and sorrow he's caused me at such a fragile stage of my life. But my family is so dysfunctional that it's really no surprise. (Sorry I'm venting but this is a very sensitive topic for me) Problem is: a lot of people are ignorant and narrow-minded but the good news is, they are not worth our time. People who will love you for who you are and won't intend on imposing any changes upon your identity are those that are worth your time, energy, happiness and commitment. Growing up gay has proven to be difficult to me. I've never been in a romantic relationship and I honestly don't see myself being in any, at all, although I'm desperate to... my self-esteem is too low and my family situation has literally poisoned any sense of vision of a happy future, relationship, healthy life basically. Depression makes everything worse. But being such a solitary and introspection-thirsty person, I have managed to find some peace with my sexual orientation, although it brings its share of sorrow on a daily basis. I hope you can manage to do the same as it's really the most important element. Loneliness and homosexuality are a very critical match, especially at a young age, but you have to remember that while we don't have the same freedom of display of affection as straight people, that doesn't mean that we're not entitled to happiness... and some countries are very gay-friendly. Some people will love you just for who you are. And I imagine the joy you must feel when you finally find a loving partner after all these years of self-doubt and struggle probably outweighs the 'immediate' joy of straight love. Who knows about your sexual orientation is secondary; you have to accept yourself first. You should not live in a way that makes other people happy, only yourself. It's a tough road to ride on, but if you were given it, I believe it means the universe trusts in your ability to make it out all right. And I hope you do! You deserve to be loved just like everyone else. Don't hesitate to come back here if you feel unwell.
  8. Actually if there is any good my depression has done to me is improve my eating habits. I see a significant difference in my mood depending on what I eat, especially since I have what seems to be the most sensitive stomach in the history of mankind. I try to eat a salad at least 4-5 times a week, eat an apple a day, sometimes soup when I'm too drawn out to cook, a lot of rice, wheat, fish and pasta. Can't go a day without eating dates or kiwis. As snacks, I eat biscuits with oats and yogurt. Usually in the morning / afternoon when my motivation is at its worst, I get myself an apple and some yogurt, maybe a cereal bar, which is enough to keep me alert for a couple of hours until lunch or dinner.
  9. As Jiddu Krishnamurti said, "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society." I feel the same way as you, but this quote is what keeps me from losing my mind.
  10. To borrow the words I've read on another forum, what depression does to you (or at least me) is create a shield around you where you feel almost completely unable to connect to the outside world; be it people or things - and a huge fog inside your brain that makes everyday tasks seem like a burden, and it spans over the course of several months, or years. Handling yourself, carrying the weight of your body seems sometimes so unbearable that you are unable to get out of bed... at all. Imagine the mere thought of taking the mail, going to the kitchen or buying groceries as a similar 'social' accomplishment to traveling abroad. You end up into isolation, believing the world would be better without you... You might lose your job, drop out, and lose all hope for the future as a result. Sometimes you wake up in agonizing pain. Some people suffer from PTSD with visions of their past trauma echoing into the present. It's basically like being consumed by an undefinable devil and not being able to draw the line between the condition and yourself. There are also biological imbalances in the brain which can be helped through medication, but the pain is sometimes too deep-rooted and it spans several months or years.
  11. The exact same thing is happening to me right now, particularly today. I haven't cried in about months and while some times more than others I don't feel the need to cry because I'm just empty, when I do I just end up teary-eyed when I feel like my sorrow could actually fill an empty fountain. I'm sorry I can't help, but I relate. Usually melancholy music is the only thing that triggers the heavy tears but even lately that doesn't work anymore. It's tough being in that position as crying is healthy when not incessant. Good luck with everything and don't listen to people who blame you for your ideas. We all do the best we can.
  12. It's terrible that you've had to be surrounded by such disrespectful people... but remember that you can find good people in this life and the world is not against you. While the world can be full of arrogant, selfish people, remember that they are not worth your precious energy, even if sadly that happens to be your family. Think about how lucky some amazing people could be to meet you one day. You sound like a very brave person for going through all this. Reading your post made me so angry about the people you've had to deal with. it's bad enough my faith in humanity is almost non-existant. But there are good things, no matter how small, that happen to come our way. You're lucky to have a good boyfriend. Try to confide in him and accumulate positive moments with him, if you can. My isolation and anxiety subsided when I started therapy so I would suggest that. Professionals can sometimes help you find a way out you haven't thought of before and if you're lucky to find someone who understands you, it will be something to look forward to during the week. Try to be resistant and ignore / don't let bad judgement affect you (easier said than done, i know), especially by your mother's boyfriend since he doesn't even have the right to be this abusive... it's truly awful that people still act this way. Remember that you can always come here for support in times of severe crisis to remember that you are not alone. I know how suicidal thinking can take hold of your mind and make life unbearable. My thoughts are with you.
  13. Ugh I'm sorry this happened.. I can sympathize, I hate it when I go somewhere and it turns out it was for 'nothing', especially when it seemed like such a big effort. Good of you for going though! Going out is always healthy. Good luck for tomorrow.
  14. Actually had a surprisingly good last two days! Monday I managed to: - Buy some books and groceries - Finished reading my Dostoevsky - Watched Once upon a time in Anatolia - wonderful film Today I went to my therapist, bought some bread and fruits for my grandparents, dropped by to give it to them, walked back home, wrote and read a bit. Felt a lot lighter and more hyper these last two days, the switch is almost scary.
  15. I'm so sorry this is happening to you, man. Like everyone else, I hope you get through this the healthiest way possible. Life has odd ways of testing our limits but we must do our best to fight our destructive urges and I'm sure you'll feel an immense sense of pride once you get through this and find your partner again. Kick those deleterious urges in the butt!! You are strong! Make sure you annoy the hell out of people so you can get your passport renewed asap. My thoughts are with you.
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