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About classicmoviefan

  • Birthday 01/27/1995

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    Literature(especially 19th century), Cinema, Mad Men

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  1. I guess that's more intense because I am too particular about people. Because it's too hard for me to open up. I never even held hands with someone romantically before I met my ex.
  2. Hello,Alex. I'm also sorry about your relationship. You're absolutely right... Need just seems to **** love...push people away. I've been alone for 99 days now. The wounds are as open as they were in day 1. I do want to discuss stuff. And I'll search the book. I have 1 month before school starts again and I need to force myself to wake up.
  3. I always had a hard time making friends, but I always valued dearly the few friends I ever had. I don't think of them as a group, as a kind, but as very different individuals. They go away from my life, but I don't simply let them go. Most people are sad for a while('mourn' a little), then go on with their lives. I guess that's an important skill, because without living is too painful and every goodbye is a paralyzing ordeal. But I can't do it. And I even feel disappointed with people. I feel I'm never as important to them as they are to me. I feel I'm somewhat replaceable. I know they don't do it on purpose or because they're bad people. But I'm scared of letting people get near me again, I'm tired of the pain, I'm tired of watching people go away and leaving me alone with the ruins. I should have known this before I started dating my boyfriend. He was my best friend for 3 years before that. I trusted him more than anyone, I saw him in other relationships and he was the one who was hurt by other people. He didn't cheat, he was always there for his friends, he still does. He is a wonderful person. He knows he tries his best, and he is healthy and had enough self love not to let anyone hurt him again when he did everything right. So I understand why he broke up when my insecurity and fear of losing him(paranoia) were too much. I don't want anyone else. He is irreplaceable to me. I know he really loved me, but that's not the same with him. For him it was just another relationship that didn't work. I'm just another girlfriend. I know the way he feels is healthy and normal. But I feel discarded, unimportant. I know that people moving on is a fact of life. But I don't move on. That is too much for me to bear. I broke all my walls to let him in and now I'm buried among the ruins. He still inhabits my daily thoughts, sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I still have that life with him, I talk to him, we're happy again. But he is just another ghost in my 'life'. Why go on, when I need companionship but I know I'll be alone all my life? I know many people would like to be in my place, because I have parents who keep showering me with things and many opportunities. But all these leave me cold. I don't want to be some workaholic trying to fill my hours and get busy as much as possible to avoid facing that big void. I am a straight A's student and it means nothing to me. I don't want an extension of this kind of life. I feel guilty and wish I could give it all away to people who want it. I don't care about just surviving, but I don't have the 'skills' to live. I'm sorry if this post is muddled and unfocused, but my mind is muddled...
  4. Hurt,the johnny cash cover Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
  5. I've popped in twice and there were 2/3 people online. I expected more people would be online
  6. Having parents who are definitely not fit to be parents certainly contributed. Years of neglect, loneliness and walking on eggshells...then being bullied at school, and blamed for it when I asked for help...
  7. I do that too. What also happens with me is that when I read a book for some time and the author has a peculiar writing style, I start writing in a similar style. Although this effect usually doesn't last long, it is weird and unintentional. And when I watch a movie or many episodes of a tv series and it makes an impression on me, I tend to 'absorb' a bit of the personality of the character that interested me the most. It only lasts a few hours, but...I don't like it.
  8. I want to read The Bell Jar, but don't know if it's advisable
  9. Hello. I can totally relate with that. For many years I got to know people, but didn't let them really know me. They knew about some of my interests, we talked about things in general, but I always avoided telling anything really personal. I didn't lie to them, but I omitted as much as I could. And they didn't even seem to notice that. But that also meant I had no support from them, since they never got to know anything about my problems. When keeping up a front got harder, I changed my tactics. And guess what? Letting people know about problems, see me struggling, was even worse. Most of my so called 'friends' not only did not give me one grain of support, but started showing their claws, especially when they noticed I was to overwhelmed to react. And like you, I shut off any interest I have in them. I know this reply neither positive nor very helpful....but that's my experience :/ I'm really interested in reading more replies to this topic.
  10. I wish I could have a hot chocolate machine and an Old Style library with a fireplace. I think that's the epitome of coziness
  11. Hello. I know exactly how you feel and I'm stuck the same way too. Just posting to tell you that you're not alone in this. My only hope is that I know some people who felt just like us recovered. I just don't know how to connect the dots to get there. If you want to talk to someone, you can pm me.
  12. Thank you for your feedback. She basically generalized and said psychiatrists are always pushing pills to their patients. I did think that it was better to try to recover by myself, without the aid of meds if I could, but that generalization sounded a bit irresponsible to me. I've been trying exercise(it lifts the 'fog' if I run fast enough not to think, but the effect vanishes shortly after I stop), fish oil, vitamins, and I'm still taking the florals. I'm very worried because I hardly managed not to fail my classes. I'm on vacation now, and I try to binge-watch as much as I can to avoid thinking about life. But I know I can't distract myself from life forever. When I'm alone with my thoughts the passing of time seems too slow and painful. I think constantly about suicide, research a lot about it, but I only have access to painful and not very foolproof methods. My fear of failing and end up brain damaged or something is bigger than my wish to end it, so I know I'm not going to try. But nevertheless, the thoughts, and the picturing it in my mind, are very troubling. I think I'd better go to a psychiatrist and see how it goes.
  13. I don't know if it's only me, but it seems that college friendships are much more 'casual' than school friendships. At school, I had best friends, there was this whole friends '4ever' and 'through it all' thing, and in college everyone seems have this 'I don't care' attitude. I only fully realized this when I started to miss classes because of my depression, disappeared from social networks and not one of my 'friends' from college texted me to ask how I was, if anything was the matter, etc.
  14. I had a problem with my internet connection, and I ended up double posting. The complete version of the post is this one:http://www.depressionforums.org/forums/topic/101962-jealousy-and-insecurity-even-after-the-break-up-can-i-ever-change/ If anyone could delete this post, it would be nice :)
  15. She told me that the first session, and I've been depressed for 3 months with no improvement , apparently. She tells me to take Bach florals but I don't feel any difference when I take them. My relationship ended because of my depression, my grades are suffering, I can't concentrate and somedays I can't even force myself to take a shower. I feel very tempted to try meds. I'm not sure about the efficiency of these florals, if they only have a placebo effect it doesn't work on me. Has any of you had any success with florals?
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