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bellbottoms

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Everything posted by bellbottoms

  1. I've recorded three songs for my musical and had rhubarb pie for lunch.
  2. Pa pa pa pa padapa pa pa pa pa pa (I have Sweet Georgia Brown stuck in my head. I have been listening to a lot of charleston the past few days) I've also kind of fallen in love with the Dion tune Abraham, Martin and John recently. Ah, breaks my heart. Gonna put it on now so I can quote it. Anybody here seen my old friend Bobby? Can you tell me where he's gone? I thought I saw him walkin' up over the hill, With Abraham, Martin and John.
  3. This is something that's causing me confusion... I'm probably oversimplifying, but I don't know how to not to... But basically, according to Buddhism, desire is a source of misery. And yet, *not* wanting some things *ever*, to have that philosophy is just not compatible with how the world works. For example, I want a job because I need a job like we all do. Failing to sell myself to potential employers is a cause of unhappiness for me. I can't well enough *not* want it and *not* try... Well, I would have to be very enlightened to be ok with just going out and roaming the streets, homeless and needing nothing but air. I don't know where Christianity and related religions stand when it comes to Wanting basic things. I don't want a flashy car or a big house or a better paying job, I just want to be part of society and... Afford to do things, be part of things... play amateur theatre and badminton... I guess that's luxury too... I would go off and live as a hermit somewhere, but I just don't know how. Where could I do that? Me, I see an obstacle in everything. I don't feel like trying, if trying is an endless struggle. I want to give up and just... Fast and see what reaches me first- enlightenment or starvation. Just so tired of wanting what it seems I can never have... But I am obliged to want it none the less... Although I don't want to want it... Anyone feel me?
  4. Yes. I was a trainee and I had a break down and dropped it all :D
  5. I relate much. Anyway, nobody is really worthless or useless. I'm only beginning to see that. I used to think I was worthless and useless, but I'm not. I'm just too shy to bellow out just how un-worthless I am, because that is what you gotta to in today's world: be noisy and confident and take up space and trample on others. You're helping your aunt so you're clearly not useless and so what if you get tired quickly? Anyone who would have a problem with that is just not worth your energy.
  6. I'm ready to make instrumentals for the second act of my musical.
  7. So, for a topic title I elected the acronyms for a wonderful thing called Avoidant Personality Disorder, just in case somebody else comes after me, looking to see if there is anybody here who knows what it's like. I know it has a thread in a subforum, but it's not terribly active... That's the thing about AVPD, from what I understand. It seems to be fairly rare, people who have it aren't very inclined to seek help and they are often pretty isolated and it's usually undiagnosed. Perhaps some are like me, and think they have Social Anxiety. But without turning this into a contest of which-is-worse, people with SAD do seem to be better at living "normal" lives. If you have SAD and think I'm completely dumb, well sorry. I know they have more anxiety. Whatever my problem might be and who decides what is a disorder and who has it, the fact of the matter is simply this: I am completely void of motivation. This is a major cause for guilt. I know I should probably seek help, but I don't want to because I don't see how it can improve things in the long term. There are things I'd like to share just to give a background, but can't because I am so ashamed. Constantly I feel I'm not good enough, I don't do enough, I don't try hard enough... Don't ask me what I want because I can't tell you. If you ask me what I can do I will say: Nothing. Don't bother saying I did a good job because I don't believe you. I won't say hello to you because I don't want to waste your time and I don't want you to feel as if you have to acknowledge me. I run away because I don't want you to see me, and wonder what the hell I'm doing here. I live in a world where everybody is always better than me in just about every way and as a result I stand no chance in ever moving in any direction because there simply isn't a place for me. This isn't a world for sensitive people who would rather undermine themselves in the hopes of surprising you than overestimate themselves and thereby risk letting you down. I'm not trying to be perfect, I want to be enough but I am not. From where I stand, improvement and hope is too far away. I honestly want to let go and end it all. Metaphorically speaking. I don't have a drivers' license. Rock bottom is closer to me right now. If I feel good for just a moment, it will be a little further away but that doesn't mean light is at all within reaching distance. So I much rather make myself feel worse and sink lower... Kind of homeopathic, where you take a substance that made you sick to get better, if I understood things correctly. Anyway. That's where I am at the moment. Hi.
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