Jump to content


  • Posts

  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by bellbottoms

  1. It just sucks, waking up... being washed over with the thoughts of hopelessness and being immediately weighed down by the impending doom... Can you tell I'm blue da ba dee? No inspiration. Then I can just stay in bed because doing anything else is meaningless. But I don't know how people stay in bed all day because I get head aches when I stay in bed too long. What eventually got me out of bed was wanting to write about it here. Oh and I'm not an expert but I don't think password protecting certain forums is going to protect anybody from being triggered to do certain things. It didn't stop me yesterday, so...Just my two cents. Constant rejection is my trigger.
  2. Well I've never had cancer but it ought as well have been because I was treated with chemotherapy and a stem cell translant and plenty of surgery. The surgery was the worst, the treatments weren't too bad, I felt a bit sick and I've lost my hair twice but it wasn't too overwhelming or painful or anything. But there are many types of cancers and some are a lot worse than others. Considering I kind of went through something cancer-ish although the doctors had a very hard time diagnosing me, almost calling it lymphoma at one point when the tests showed hints of that (the results fluctuated between lymphoma and mono at one point, but in the end I think it was decided it was mono yes mono the thing everybody gets but at least I haven't relapsed since the transplant and I relapsed twice before it). Looking back I wish I had just had lymphoma, then I wouldn't have spent so much time thinking how I'd explain everything and worry about how ridicilous it sounds. Sitting where I am I can honestly say I wish I had rejected all treatments and choked to death from my swollen glands because I have no reason to get up in the morning. But being young and naive, I thought that I'd get a job once I finished school... Silly, silly me. KMN.
  3. I know the feeling. I wish I had some soothing pills. Stay strong and best of luck take one day/moment at a time and so forth you know the drill.
  4. Depression central really isn't the correct forum for me but I like it better than Social Anxiety Support. People here just seem smarter and more insightful in general (and not so 'WAH I don't have a girlfriend!!!') and I suppose both conditions have some common traits and I'm sure you can develop one from the other. Anyway, so I don't get out much you could say. Now I'm trying to take some small steps towards getting a drivers' license without getting to overwhelmed by fear of interacting with people, which I just inevitably will have to do more or less. Even when it's just checking my eye sight like I did today *rain of confetti* Now, you'd think I could think some nice things about myself for having done that much. I don't know if others get nervous beforehand... And if they do, how are their nerve levels compared to mine prior some kind of social interaction (and I get nervous just looking at shoes, queing at shops... Anyway) Do I feel good afterwards, proud I did something I would have been afraid to do some years ago (it might seem like a strange thing to be afraid of, but that's SAD/AVPD for you). Proud that at least I must be getting better instead of worse, at least at the moment? No. All I can think of on the way home is how dumb I am and how dumb I must have seemed and I even utter this out loud (not outside, fortunately enough, although I get close to that sometimes). I just wish I could feel proud over something like this, doing something "social" because that's what I'm most scared of. I'm proud of other things, but they relate to private hobbies/interests. But when I do something that I was nervous about before hand, I just wish I wouldn't have to think of how dumb I am afterwards. The intrusive thoughts have really been at me lately. At the same time I can be very arrogant, let it be said that I am in no way humble although I try to be. If anything I'm a bully to myself. And the constant fluctuation between feelings and thoughts... But that's another post. Really I just wanted to tell somebody I did this today. I don't tell people IRL about what I do or have done or will do much, as if I think they will get expectations that I will just end up letting down. And don't get me started on compliments. I crave them but I can't digest them. I want approval but I don't deserve it. I just can't believe in them when I don't agree.
  5. I look up things all the time for reassurance, and often end up dissappointed... Intrusive thoughts is not something I see come up a lot, although I have them constantly. But a book about social anxiety did bring them up because part of the self-help program was to challenge them. So those are common, I can assure you from both experience and what I have read. Is it a depression thing or social anxiety thing or are intrusive thoughts common with both, that's what I wonder. And I just want to add about the guilt thing, that although looking things up is not something to feel guilty for, I tool feel guilty. Or rather, if I don't get the results I hope for, I feel guilty because then it feels like it must be my fault, since I'm the only one experiencing something.
  6. I have this sight examination form. I've applied to see an optician (didn't have to make a phone call, so I had no excuse to avoid it. But now I'm nervous about receiving one :D ) All kinds of thoughts running through my head. What if I get so caught up in whirlwinds of negative thoughts I can't focus on driving? Bah... Must try not to let fears dictate my life but it is hard. What if I can't reach the pedal because I'm short? And possessive apostrophes are hard. I don't think I ever learned about those in school. I had to look it up the other day. Singular: the cats' ball. Plural: the cat's ball. Is that right? Word Crimes really forced me to see if my grammar was as good as I thought and it was so not. Not even close.
  7. If you think a girlfriend would magically solve everything, try different things until something works. I'm only here to question whether or not it's really that important. I understand that it's lonely to see couples, heck I get bummed out when I see romantic scenes in movies, but I don't want to fix that by jumping into a relationship. I want to work on my mindset, it's *not* wrong to be alone and there are other things than romance that can bring you joy. Call me old-fashioned, but I find the idea of dating kind of... strained. Why force things? But I know romance is really, really important to a lot of people and that I'm the odd one so... Ignore this. I'm bored and tired.
  8. I've never sought treatment but I do have days where I wonder if I really have a problem. I think it's normal. Ones' mood and thinking isn't the same every day. When I'm alone and "safe" and normal, I feel, well, normal. But thoughts and feelings fluctuate a lot and that is really annoying. The only alternative to there being a problem in my brain (a diagnose of some sort) is that there is a problem with my personality (lack of will, motivation, laziness. Which is also related to the brain anyway so what difference does it make?) and the second alternative is less attractive because it's guilt-inducing, because it implies I am capable of solving everything just by "wanting" and if I don't "want it" enough it's my fault... And on the circle goes... And it's over-simplifying anyway because if I don't want something enough it's not because of laziness but because of fear so there. In any case, why should you feel guilty? People seek help for less.
  9. How do you get in any habit? You start and keep going. Some make schedules. Go to bed the same time every day and set you alarm to the same time every day. Choose a project or two. If you're creative at all that makes it easier. I don't know what I'd fill my time with if I wasn't. But I'm not always inspired. Take walks every day. It really clears your head. Often it's just a temporary fix but it's better than nothing, and sometimes inspiration strikes when you're out. You could start volunteering if you have the time. Having a lot of hobbies is a blessing and a curse. I wish I could devote my time to perfect one art, instead I have many hobbies which makes me mediocre at best at them all and sometimes I just can't choose between them so I end up doing nothing. Collecting mushrooms is something I really recommend. Sometimes when I'm out and I feel generally miserable and suicidal, I will see an edible mushroom and all my worries fly out the window because all my attention is dedicated to my finding. It's a good way to keep busy, especially if you collect a lot and then have to prepare it for preservation. I don't know if this is helpful but you're the only one who knows what you like doing and what you have access to.
  10. I'm the only one of my siblings that wasn't baptized. I was going to get confirmated but quit that. I have not been brought up in a religious household. My father is an atheist and my mother fluctuates between christianity and eastern religions and seems to be drawn to both but isn't really devoted. And here I am now, when it all gets too much, putting my faith to the good Lord in heaven, trying to believe that my life is exactly as it should be. That although I may not be content with where I am right now, it is where I must be, where I'm meant to be and I'm not meant to have the things I want, the things I am convinced will make me content. It might sound harsh, that God doesn't want me to be content but in the grand scheme of things, what does it matter? He can take the wheel I don't want it. I just can't with my life, with myself... The inferiority, the self-loathing, being an outsider, never belonging, nobody to confide in, being such a miserable Biotch it's turned me into a horrible demon, selfish, Biotchy, bitter, jealous... Just plain awful... If I had been brought up with a belief in God I would probably have rejected him, but I wasn't so instead I seek him. Right now it's the only place I can find a reason for living, and acceptance for my life as it is. The only question is how long it will last. The guilt and the shame is the hardest part. If this is all meant to be I have no need for those.
  11. Well that sucks. I don't have it as bad as you but I would like to move to a lighthouse somewhere. I could be wrong, but I don't think a change of environment can hurt although it might not work any miracles. But that really depends on the person/circumstances. I think I'd be happier on a tropical island somewhere away from everything that triggers my misery and everybody that make me feel like I'm not enough. Not to make this about me, just offering my opinion. Anyway maybe you should just take a road trip? You don't have to leave anybody forever. And I'm significanly younger and I feel my life is gone. Five years ago I thought my life was gone. In five years I will wish I was five years younger. It always feels like it's too late but it never is. Try not to let anybody convince you otherwise (something I'm struggling with all the time). Sometimes other people are wrong about things.
  12. Yeah, I'm also in the saved-by-the-art boat. It's really the only thing that gives me joy and whenever I don't do it I feel sort of empty. Lack of inspiration really voids my life of all meaning because I've started to believe that maybe I am here to be creative since I have all these ideas. And it brings me down, too, that some people can be so inconsiderate and intolerant and yet be so popular yet if you're a little sensitive you ought as well have the leprecy. It's strange and maybe it's the depression clouding my judgment and also the lack of experience with people but it does feel that way a lot of the time. It just baffles me how some are so quick to accuse others for everything and never critisize themselves a bit or show any humility when I will always beat myself down before another. Anyway, I hope you will hold on to the hope you have left. And I resent the notion that we are the only ones that need fixing and that we have to pretend so others will feel better. I even wrote a little song about it, about how if we put on a mask and pretend to be like everybody else, how will everybody else ever learn some people are different? And I try to avoid ******* too as much as I can, although I'm not vegan. But I think it's just horrible that male chickens are killed just because they aren't good enough to eat and can't lay eggs. It makes me want to be a vegan, or at least lay off eggs. I don't eat chicken anyway. But I do bake... Life is hard, isn't it?
  13. My initial reaction was: Whaaat? Nooo! *Quick reality check am I dreaming?* Then it was: I'm shocked! Shocked! Well not that shocked. Sad clowns allover the place... next time I encounter somebody wise cracking I'll be super suspicious of depression. I do hope it is possible to be a joker without doing it to mask a sadness. I saw a quote on tumblr, I assume it's something he said because it was on his tag, about how what's worse than ending up alone is being with people who make you feel alone. So, so SO true. :( But I'd like to say that that I am not very impressed with the Shrink Rap lady. Is there some kind of rule that psychologists have to ask about sex? No wonder not everybody seeks help!
  14. I've already posted today but today took an unexpected turn for me and things happened that stressed me out and raised my anxiety levels. The thing is that my birthday is coming up and I made it very clear I don't want to take part in any form of celebration. I don't even want to see all of my family because it takes so little to upset me and I just want to spare myself from triggers really. It's already a high risk day for what other day reminds me of everything you've lost and how life has passed you by and will continue to do so than b-days? Anyway, so today my well meaning half brother and his girlfriend popped by without a warning. Now, I like them and I think they are fun and all but let me tell you one thing: they are extroverts. Always doing something, always busy, plenty of friends and aquaintances they live lives vastly different from mine and they love to joke and tease. Let me tell you another thing. I have unresolved issues. I feel abandoned, left behind, forgotten, like nobody really cares, the whole shebang. You'd think that surely if anything proves that they do care, this is it. Well, it's just that if I'm only worth paying attention to on my b-day it doesn't really prove it. I don't mean to be ungrateful but it's how my mind reasons, ok? What else do you imagine make me feel like I'm left behind and life is passing me by? New additions to the world that will move on in life before me. Not only is my sister knocked up which I found out at christmas and which was what really pushed me into the depression pit and made me more musically creative than ever. My brothers' girlfriend is knocked up too, and equally far as it turns out. And I can't react humbly to this when I feel so defect and broken and that my existence is pointless, how can I gladden over new forced existences when I wish I hadn't been born on a daily basis? And those kids will grow up and realize how weird I am and tell people of their freak aunt and move on just like everybody else who is normal and healthy in mind and I will remain where I always been... Never moving anywhere... Just two more threats to my oversensitivity. But back to the extroverts. My brother has a tendency to express himself derogatorily about people with mental illness. This hasn't always bothered me too much and I've brushed it of as him-being-him but lately as my issues have become a heavier burden, it's started to bother me. How could I be open with my problems? We're not close, never have been because the age gap is quite big and like I said he's just my half-brother. But I've started to feel like I really am living with a secret. And my problems make me behave in ways I feel bad about afterwards. And then I think, well, why do I have to feel bad, why can't they try to be a little more sensitive? But then I think well maybe if they knew they would. In any case, it made me realize that it's not enough trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter what others' think. I want to be accepted as I am, I want people to accept that I feel this way sometimes and react that way sometimes. You know? I just want people to think it's ok and not feel pressured to adapt and pretend and all that. Why do I have to adapt? Why not them? Oh right because I'm the one with the feelings... But what I really realized when my thoughts crossed into nobody-would-care-if-I-was-gone territory was that no, this world needs my brain. If there's just a teensy chance somebody will ever benefit from me understanding them, then I should try to find it in me to not beat myself up too much. To think if everybody who has killed themselves in the past hadn't, maybe the world would be a warmer place because then somebody like me would find comfort in that there are others who are sensitive like me. Maybe I'm not meant to live a normal life or have what everybody else are having, maybe my role is really small and seemingly insignificant. And I don't oppose suicide and call it selfish, but I think it's a real shame that those who **** themselves are those that this world needs the most. Well, those I need the most anyway.
  15. Hello. I hate being that person that vents all the time and does nothing. I've complained so much on the internet and I always feel so bad afterwards. "Oh here we go, Bellbottoms is being whiny again" "Get help and stop complaining!" Eh but I digress. My point is, because of this I try to offer ideas and reflections with my posts and not just rants. It takes some of the guilt off for me. And this morning when I was feeling blue I thought: what should I do with my thoughts and feelings? Supressing is no good, but if not suppress them then what? What else is there? How to make it go away? Only drugs and therapy can make it go away I guess but I'm not just depressed I'm also avoidant and that is kind of why I'm depressed and I am so afraid to open up to a stranger, so afraid of what they might ask me, afraid they won't understand me and that I will fail to find the words and stumble over them like I always do and just feel questioned and attacked and then just end up feeling worse afterwards than better. But I digress again. Then I thought as I sat in fluffy cloud heaven daydreaming about things I've written: Why can't we focus more on bringing out the good in one another and focus less on "getting rid" of the "bad"? Maybe it's a naive thought but sometimes I think that being depressed wouldn't be so bad if it didn't feel so forbidden. It sounds cheesy but if we all could accept each other and not force everybody to be clones and have the same personalities, some of us that are more withdrawn wouldn't have to feel so bad for not being so charismatic and outgoing and get depressed as a result because we can't live up to the standard. I talk from the perspective of somebody who is depressed because of circumstances, not from the perspective of somebody who "has it all" and is still depressed because of chemical imbalance alone. Yes give peace a chance and so forth. This thought won't solve anything on this forum because you know this already and maybe had the thought yourself and maybe even rejected it for being so cheesy and oversimplifying. It's not you I really want to tell this to but to those that aren't depressed and think that we all choose our personalities and tell you to "fake it 'til you make it". I wish I could fake it I wish I could take on this pretend personality but I just don't think I could ever fool anybody. And sometimes well meaning people try to tell you that you have good sides and that it's all in your head. And that's nice of them but don't tell me, show me or I won't believe you.
  16. People here understandably write such nice things about depressed people; they're so compassionate and empathetic and so forth. And I'm sure that's true. It just makes me feel like the worst depressed person around because I can be pretty snappish at others. Sometimes I kind of want to make other people feel bad (people that have made me feel bad and still do sometimes, perhaps sometimes unintentionally, but still)... I finally understand how that works, the whole take-out-your-own-issues-on-others thing. It used to be so abstract to me but now I get it. So I guess that makes me at least partly worthless? No, people who seem to lack empathy frustrate me too, don't get me wrong. But surely only sociopaths truly lack empathy, and how many of those are there out there really? I try to believe there is good in everybody, because I want people to believe there is good in me although my shy and avoidant ways make me come off as rude/arrogant (And I am rude and arrogant but that's beside the point, that's not why I run from people). Either everybody is worthless or nobody is worthless. And what is worth anyway? (What is worth baby don't hurt me don't hurt me no more... ) Nice post, 'though. Now if somebody would call me and read it to me once a day or so.
  17. It bugs me that I need a password to access the self-injury forum. I need it now and I'm too shy/afraid to ask for it. Why, I ask. Why?
  18. I'd personally rather be a soicopath if I had the choice, but you're right. Think positive.
  19. If you're prepared to start studying to get that perfect job if you don't have the right merits, then maybe a train driver? I don't think they have to interact with people much, like bus drivers. Bus driving, not for introverts or people with social anxiety. Whenever I see a bus driver in an argument with a passanger I get chills in my spine. Not all people interaction have to be bad, I suppose. In retail and sales I suppose it can be, but I would assume it's less so if you're some kind of doctor like a dentist for example or optician, where people kind of need you to not having to re-inject the anesthesia or poke sharp things in your eyes... 'Oops I missed'. Maybe pick up bee keeping, which is kind of in line with the animal job suggestions. Now, how do you become a bee keeper... What other animal jobs are there except for vet (something I could never be)? I know cat shelters are often looking for volunteers, if you're good with dog, work at some dog hotel. EDIT: I just noticed this is an old post, but I think it's still worth keeping the suggestions coming for anyone who might be interested.
  20. Sometimes just drawing or playing music or writing helps. But when absolutely nothing brings me joy, reading posts here by people who are honest about their situation and share things I would never dare to share, that really makes me feel better and less alone. It reminds me that the problem isn't with me, it's the world that can't handle me because I am such a non-conformist.
  21. You don't have to say you love me - Dusty Springfield
  22. There's gotta be a little rain sometimes. Sometimes the blues can really spark something in the mind, and for me it's not the first time. I've experienced this. I just rewrote a song, came up with a hook for another song I wanted to rewrite. It's moments like these that make it feel like a blessing rather than a curse. When the words literally just come to you on their own when you have ransacked the mind for ages it's just a great feeling. Any other creative minds getting this? Becoming depressed was the best thing that ever happened to my musical. I bring it up a lot but it's the most important thing in my life, it's what keeps me going, my reason for living. I'm not Stephen Shwartz or Andrew Lloyd Webber or Trey Parker (my personal musical hero) and I can only take simple chords on the guitar and I'm still very unnaccostumed to piano playing, I can't read or write notes and all I have is Lmms studio and a headset and no one will ever hear it but so what? Anything I come up with is still better than that awful Legally Blonde musical. I also live in the hopes of becoming famous post-humorously, and people will say: Wow, what a genius Bellbottoms was, who'd have thunk? And if there is such a thing as ghosts, I will be one gloating ghost. Anyway, I just felt like sharing because I've been posting such miserable posts and I hate being that person, I hate polluting other minds with my misery all the time. So here's something uplifting.
  23. How can I "accept my depression" when the thing I need to be doing, which is applying for jobs, makes me depressed? How can I do anything to make myself feel better when I'm under the threat of being put down again by the thing I need to feel better for? Does anybody understand me? And have an answer? And yes I have volunteered in the past. It was fun and I stayed nearly a year, but in the end a combination of life circumstances and AVPD made me leave (like I always do when emotions run high). And now I'm torn between trying to find a new place and refusing to commit to anything. I can't make promises when I'm suicidal. I don't want to get better, I want to get worse. I sound like a cliché but what's the point? People will always think I'm weird/aloof/stupid/rude just because they can't read my mind (although my mind is pretty rude), which is nobody's fault. I will never belong anywhere. It feels like destiny simply wants to keep me here in shackles. Are my feelings even real or am my just looking for an excuse to be whiny and lazy? Ugh K me now.
  • Create New...