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Everything posted by bellbottoms

  1. Sun: Leo Short description: Is masterful, likes authority, aspires towards an ideal. Likes to give advice. Is honest, frank, loyal, open and sincere. Weaknesses: pride, vanity, arrogance, presumption and disdain of others. Moon: Cancer Short description: Is likeable and sociable. Very sensitive to environmental conditions and surroundings. Likes home, habits, comfort and its little world. Very caring and protective of loved ones. Weaknesses: subject to indolence, inertia. Is impressionable and too sensitive. Family problems. Ascendant: Virgo
  2. I feel like I've become more sensitive and that I become...'empty-feeling' more easily. I don't know how to describe it, not sad, just sort of... no mojo. Lose will to do the things I looked forward to do earlier, all because of something really meaningless. Something that is really nothing, but is to me a reminder of some things I lack, and a constant reminder, too, a daily reminder pretty much... The message that nobody can do anything by themselves is everywhere, and if that really is the case I really am screwed. God I hate the way I can logically argue for really depressing truths. Ignorance truly is bliss. How can I want anything when I don't know what I want only what I don't want. Not that it matters what I want so that takes some pressure off.
  3. I'm more of a baker than a chef, but I like to cook pasta dishes, pies (when I have energy), risotto, asian inspired veggie dishes, salads (in the summer)... These are the things I tend to stick to when I'm not lazy. When I'm lazy I just cook a large batch of lentils that will last a weak. Great way to keep your appetite down. I picked a lot of mushrooms this summer. I went through some kind of mushroom mania and picked everything I could identify as edible. But now I've eaten everything I was familiar with (I.e. the boletes) and now I just have never-tried-before mushrooms left that I don't know what to do with... Woe is me life is hard. No actually I do have some dried boletes left, because there were quite a lot of those. I'd really like to use my puffballs but I just don't know what they go well with. Do puffballs go with pasta? EDIT: lol the censoring on this site... "Large urn of lentils" Did not write urn. Changed the original word to batch because apparently ceramics is a taboo subject.
  4. So it's almost November so I think this thread should be revived don't you? First I worked out a plot in broad strokes, then I wrote the plot points on colourful indexcards. Then I elaborated them in power point slides and added some more details to heighten my chances of reaching 50 k. I have reached 50 k before but I don't want it too be all about word count this year, I don't want the words to drown the spirit of the story. This year I will try not to stress about it and use the space bar more often so I won't have a bunch of massive text walls to wade through afterwards. Overall it's been a relatively good plotting experience. I didn't get bored with my plot, all my scenes serve the story one way or another and I don't have any massive plot holes, at least I haven't spotted any yet. It's not perfect but I think I'm moving forwards and what more can you ask for?
  5. I can't help being angry when I'm furious

  6. After this post, obviously. And the title is rhetorical, ok. When one is feeling down, one tends to feel worthless and that life isn't fair and that one doesn't deserve the life one has. When I thought about making this post I got this deja vu feeling, as if I have written what I am about to write before. But I made a quick search and didn't find anything recent, so... Hopefully I'm not repeating myself. Some people believe we all have some kind of worth, whatever that means. I don't know if it's something you're born with or something you accumulate but this worth is not dependent on other people's opinions because it exists within us independently, it's somewhat equatable with goodness I think. Well, that's nice and comforting... for some, I guess. But what worth does worth really have if we all have it? It's like saying we're all millionaires. The prices will only go up and who will be worth more then? The billionaires. Suppose scientists could prove I am worth more than, say, the president of the United States. Maybe that knowlegde would keep me happy for a day or two but the fact would still remain; the president of the United States is more popular and succesful than I am, while the mantra that gets me through a day is I Can Always **** Myself (meaning: I do have the ultimate power of my life). So in this case I would rather be the president and worth less than me and worth more. (Although I wouldn't actually trade lives with the President if I had the chance. Although I'm sure he has easy access to cyanide... ) Now to the next point: fairness. I try not to think it, but I've seen it a lot on this forum: it's not fair that I should be depressed, I don't deserve it. Let's assume life is fair for argument's sake. I know nobody wants to be told to think about the less fortunate, I know it's neither helpful nor fair. But I don't know if it's fair that I am blessed with this comfortable life with internet access and coffee and creative activities while poor people die of AIDS. Maybe the fair thing would be if I traded lives with one of them. But since I wouldn't if I could maybe I do deserve the bad in my life.
  7. I was fine but then a friend of my mother called and asked for her adress and then she wanted to talk to my sister and congratulate her on her baby and then I have to sit and listen to her talk about how her friend is expecting a kid and I'm just getting so sick of hearing of everybody moving on and going through life so effortlessly while I'm just perpetually stuck on square one and not allowed to play just like in 5th grade... Make no mistake I don't want kids and I think parents should have licenses but... I would never say I don't deserve my unhappiness, I'm far from perfect, but surely I don't deserve it more than anybody else. But i know that unhappiness isn't a punishment, but it sure feels like one... maybe because I know deep down I deserve it. I also know worth has nothing to do with life-success and that a person isn't a good person just because he-she is succesful. Unless you by worth mean worth to somebody else in which case I'm basically worthless but that's ok I'm slowly coming to terms to that I don't need to be worth anything.
  8. Boogity boogity shoe

  9. Yes I have, although all I have is family and it's not always easy to push family members away. I was really angry, I felt left behind and rejected, angry that I'm only worth paying attention to on holidays and the like, that all I am is family because family is someone you are stuck with and have obligations to see a number of times a year, a friend is somebody you choose and is probably the most important person to anybody and nobody has chosen me in a very long time and I acted withdrawn as a childish attempt to punish them, I suppose, as a way to make them feel bad... Or as an alternative to simply screaming out all my woes, or because I refused to pretend I was fine... I'm not proud of myself, I wish I wasn't so deeply flawed and immature and self-centered but I am. Anyway, you could say I was going through a minor crisis but I realized it was wrong and stopped that behaviour but I've never been the self-sacrificing kind so it's hard and I'm certainly not perfect unlike every other person in the world. I have never known anybody with depression but I don't think I'd ever push somebody with depression away. If they acted withdrawn I'd assume they didn't want me around but I'd never push anybody away that, say, had a need to vent a lot and wasn't always a ray of sunshine. But I don't think any depressed person would benefit from my company, we'd just bum each other out.
  10. It's past midnight so nothing yet. (Well I cried a bit and got out of bed and felt better instantly) But yesterday I practiced driving, wrote a bit and took a walk.
  11. You seem to be in a very dark place. I can empthatize. I have very little faith in the future, too, little hope anything will ever get better, that I won't be alone. I have plenty of guilt and shame, I feel epically worthless and wake up everyday in a state of self-loathing and go to bed with the same thoughts. I've reached a point where it's like there is no alternative for me than simply doing what I love even if I get nothing in return except the joy of doing it and the escape from time and reality. It's not like I'm allowed to do anything else and I'm perfectly functional but it's like I'm in a queue and somebody is always cutting ahead of me because I'm never "enough", because I'm too late... It feels like I'm in a car with nobody at the wheel, heading for a cliff. I don't know how long it will take before it falls into the water but when I'm in a good place (I'm fortunate enough to experience that) I try to make the most of the time I have. So I'm lucky I have hobbies, I hope you do too and if you don't I hope you try to find one. Life's too short to be bullied by a society that doesn't want to hear the full story.
  12. I intend to continue planning on my Nanowrimo story. If I drew a little today that would also be swell.
  13. EXTROVERTS GO TO HELL!!! (No offense, extroverts)
  14. Drinking coffee and writing minimal poems
  15. Really I only just started. I mean, my life turned crap before I started seeking comfort in spirituality. This is what I strive to "believe": everything is exactly as it should be. I know, that is extremelly hard to swallow what with all the terrible things going on in the world, I know. You'd have to be a heartless sadist to believe it. I've never been one that's easily moved by the news, but the other day a girl was reportedly beaten to death with a rolling pin, so I can understand why people lose faith. But my faith is not in a God that does what we want and makes our lives nice (because that is clearly not the case). My faith is in a God that lets the things that are meant to happen happen. Go on call me a heartless sadist.
  16. Ok. I got out of bed relatively early. I wake up everyday with negaive voices but if I get up earlier it doesn't get as bad as when I stay in bed and let my brain marinate in them more. But you know, it takes so little to knock me off my feet and... Well I wouldn't be here now if I was "happy".
  17. Bad if its involuntary. But I'd like to be a hermit living behind a waterfall somewhere.
  18. Loads of things... I wanted to be an astronaut until I learned they go out in space... Then I wanted to be an astronomer. Such a wuss even then, now I'd gladly go to space but I doubt I meet the physcial qualifictions anyway... Seriously, if there was a space loner job... But I digress. Cartoonist, illustrator, film director (don't know why I ever wanted that, it was when the Lord of the Rings movies were new... Still doesn't make sense). Mainly something in writing or arts.
  19. I think you've all seen those posts. People who have found success after struggle are convinced that if they can find love and happiness and work anybody can. Maybe I am just the most cynical of all. I'm not here to rain on the positive thinking parade and I can only speak for my grumpy and bitter self, but I find extremely little comfort in such texts personally. I am simply far too self absorbed to take it to me, because all I can think is: if you were me none of that would have been possible . I am all for positive thinking and optimism but I just think we should be a little careful and not be so quick to make such fluffy promises and statements. If our happiness depends on having this and that we will only be unhappy and disappointed as long as we don't have it and we will most likely not have the energy to turn our lives around when we are in an unhappy state. Because when I read these posts all I see is all the ways the poster's life is different from mine and I attribute the success to those differences, it's in these parts that separates the poster from me that makes the poster succesful. Maybe it's just me but I try to avoid those posts because most of the time they make me feel worse. But I don't mind if people make them and I appreciate when they make the subject clear so I know not to click it. The problem with the promises of better times is that there is no evidence and some people die alone. Anybody heard the song A Most Peculiar Man by Simon & Garfunkel? It's sad, it's unfortunate but it happens. I, and many other's I'm sure, have been given mixed messages all my life: if you do what you want you will be succesful AND you can't do that because the competition is too hard stick to something safe. If something seems too out of reach for whatever reason, don't try to force yourself to believe, just find something else to believe in. I don't know if that makes any sense to anybody else but this is where I am righ now and it's what gives me more comfort than any fluffy promises.
  20. I love piano. I am a sucker for beautiful piano ballads and pianists. When I was kid I wanted to take piano lessons but I was put off at the thought of being the only student so I took violin lessons with a classmate instead. But I eventually quit that. I started avoiding and quitting things early in life. Actually at first I wanted to play the drums but my mum thought that would be to noisy so next I wanted to play the cello but they were too large so it became the violin. Did I even consider piano at the time? I don't remember. Now I'm not very good at any instrument but I know enough guitar chords to write songs and when I've learned them on the guitar I try to play it on the piano. Someday when I have all my song skeletons ready I'll try to get better at the stylistic bit.
  21. The next episode of South Park. The new Team Starkid musical (Star Wars!!!)
  22. I don't want to hear them. I'm sick of them. They make me want to crawl under and duvet and cry because I'm not worth loving and never will be. It makes the walls around me shrink. All the light goes out. All it does is reinforce how alone I am. I've never wanted romance and that was ok when I thought I wasn't alone and that it wasn't all that unusual. But now it becomes increasingly clear that is not the case, that it's not just hollywood exaggerating things. I don't want it but at the same time... Being loved does sound kind of nice but a friend would be enough really. I don't know... Sorry for being a bummer. Sorry for having nothing positive to offer. But right now there is no light in the tunnel. How can I ask for anything to get better? I don't have the capacity to turn my life around alone and I have nobody to help me. Some bad luck and a couple of mistakes and I'm doomed forever but I know I don't deserve better when I can't even look the homeless in the eye. And sometimes the light returns, if only for a little while. And when that happens, please spare me your love stories because it takes so long to recover.
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