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Everything posted by bellbottoms

  1. That's nice. We had our first snow fall here, too, but it melted the same day it fell and it has since just been cloudy and rainy. I think winter will be mild again this year, if you can call it winter. It's more like a prolonged autumn. If only it would be colder so the ticks would die already. But this thread is about snow, not ticks. I just really hate ticks and I know they're really enjoying themselves right now.
  2. People with depression tend to have very negative thoughts, right, that need to be un-learned, which is good but nobody ever talks about where we got these thoughts. It's not like we invented the stupid ideas we have, they are everywhere. It's not just us that need a change of attitude but everybody! Grrr! Tired of all the responsibility and pressure to "change" being put on those with "mental illness" so we can all be well functioning cold-hearted intolerant b-tards like everybody else.
  3. You and me both. We all have such stupid ideas about things. Ideas about what attractiveness is, what one is supposed to have achieved and done by a certain age and development one is supposed to have gone through... Honestly, it's ALL BS! Forget all that, forget what 'normal' means to you. I know, easier said than done. Brainwashing is a powerful thing. Our brains are fed with stupidity from the very beginning. Lots of things can affect a person's life and history. Turns out it's not the same for everyone and IT'S OK!
  4. I'm following learn-Spanish and learn-French channels on youtube, not very serious but still... Unfortunately there aren't any learn- Finnish channels, not any active ones anyway. Strange. Nor are there any learn-Portuguese or learn-Latin channels, at least I can't find any. I still love youtube, you can learn about almost anything.
  5. Sometimes I feel nobody gives me no warning Find my head is always up in the clouds in a dreamworld It's not easy living on my own Dee do de de dee do de de I don't have no time for no monkey business Dee do de de dee do de de I get so lonely lonely lonely lonely yeah Got to be some good times ahead Freddie Mercury - Living on my own
  6. I'm sorry I'm not quick witted. I'm sorry I can't pretend to be something I've never been. People start wars, m*****, beat their wives etc. Why do I feel like the worst person in the world just because I'm not any fun? Just because I'm not trying harder to pretend. Maybe I'm just an attention seeking drama queen. Blegh. I bet ******ers are tons of fun to hang out with. I bet Hitler told great anecdotes and had a very fulfilling life that inspired plenty of stories worth sharing. Yes he killed himself that's beside the point. Can I please not see my family at christmas? I'm not fun, they'd have more fun without me and I'd have more fun without them. I know if they had the choice they wouldn't be related to me, but who has the choice? I'm like the loser sheep... I know, I'm being a miserable git right now. Added guilt for bumming you all out. Everytime my (small) family gets together we tend to be divided into two groups where I just sort of end up by myself because I don't feel like I can contribute to the discussions. I know I know I could ask questions show interest but I'm just too deep inside my head, I'm just too inexperienced with conversating and I'm just not interesting and I know this is family but I'm just not close to my half brother and his girlfriend and they are just so fricken perfect in every way, tall social driven, and I'm just this worthless quiet gnome I know I'm being a miserable git right now blegh. Maybe I'll pretend to have the flu at christmas or something I just cannot bare the thought of pretending and feeling bad for not trying hard enough. What a pathetic complaint this is please don't misunderstand me everybody in my family is very nice and generous and I'm terrible for feeling this way. I should at least finish with something positive. So... my niece is very cute. Thank god she has such perfect and flawless parents to raise her into a perfect and flawless being that will be succesful in life. Thank god my siblings know me so they can do what they can raise their kids the opposite way of how I was raised. Sorry for posting please forgive. Let me say this: knowing this forum exists gives me comfort. All I could think of was how I wanted to get on here and get this pathetic ramble out.
  7. The bad therapists/psychiatrists you had to wade through. The things they said that upset you, general rudeness and insensitivity and inability to understand. This is a nightmare to a person with avoidant personality disorder. I hate to self-diagnose, but it's only to give you an idea of what my problems are because the criterias do fit me. Looking up AVPD on youtube was a mistake. One woman, some kind of psychologist, made it very clear that the problem is not with the normal people out there that might have their poor feelings hurt because somebody exhibits this avoidant behaviour, but it's the avoidants that are the problem. I kid you not, that is more or less what she said, very "It's not you it's them". It was all very accusing. Poor, poor everybody else who has to meet somebody that can barely look them in the eyes and say hello, must be hard. We're just a wortless and needy bunch that should just be eliminated from the surface of the earth so everybody who encounters one of us don't have to go to a forum for support because we're basically only good for holding other people back, apparently. This is not a rare attitude. Fortunately for you all, you're more likely encountering a unicorn. But I digress... I just don't expect to be understood by anybody, it just seems to be too rare and I live in a small suburb. I just don't want to pay for being misunderstood, misdiagnosed, drugs and therapists that are wrong for me. I wouldn't even need it, if somebody would just let me play. I'm really not that bad if I try hard enough. I can talk to you and look you in the eyes and say hello, is it such a big deal if I act a little nervous? I don't need therapy and drugs I need somebody to have faith in me. Some patience and an open mind would be great, too.
  8. I think my mind is gone I'm left here wondering was I crazy all along? What do I do? Nothing left but pray Gonna shoot somebody Help me drive this craziness away I'm happy on my own <3 Mika (One foot boy)
  9. I'm sorry you've had such negative experiences with other people. I'm not very trusting either, I too feel like everybody is judging and critiszing and being generally condescending but I know that there are some really nice people out there. Nice on the surface at least, I haven't known anybody for long enough or well enough to see their true colours. Is it healthy to be isolated? Well, are you more or less unhappy now than you were before? Some are very much not isolated and aren't happier because of that. I think everybody who goes on forums craves at least a little interaction, but some cope better without than others, I think. I wouldn't say it's not healthy to be isolated because people are different. People have all kinds of ideas; it's not healthy to not eat meat and other things. It is for some, not for others. People are different in all areas. Only you can say what's best for you. Maybe you just need break.
  10. Lately eating although it doesn't really work except for in the moment of eating...
  11. I think my reason is the same as yours. As a child I always had friends but it was always others that became friends with me, I have never taken any initiative to be somebody else's friend. Then I started let's just call it High School although I'm not american and I just lost touch with everybody I went to school with before. I spent the first year alone but I wasn't depressed because I didn't know about the importance of socializing. The second year things were beginning to look up, I didn't sit alone in the lunch room but then I got sick... physically. The years after that is just a blur. Between relapses I tried to figure out what to do, what to study but I just lost my way and never got back on track and now I find myself thinking that I could never connect with anybody again and nobody will ever be able to connect with me. I'm just too different for anybody to relate. So yeah... There are times I doubt I'm depressed, maybe I just have a lot of 'downs'. But I relate to a lot that people post here so that's why I hang around... But my down episodes became very frequent at the beginning of this year and I don't have any hope for the future not even on good days. On good days I'm just sort of ok with the fact that my life will never take a turn for the better. I think what's really hard for me is the feeling that it's not ok for me to be the way I am. I have to change but not for me but for others... I was never unhappy with the way I was until it became apparent it's not ok to be the way I am and I've tried to change but it's just kind of exhausting because it just feels like acting... I don't know if acceptance could fix it but it could alleviate it but how can anybody ever accept me when the chance to be truly open never arises? End ramble.
  12. My musical. Creating art is what I'm here for, even if no one sees it. When people make posts about how they have nothing to live for and have no hobbies I just don't know what to say. I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have hobbies. I feel like my entire identity is hobbies.
  13. I tend interpret things in a negative way, even compliments. It's worse than criticism I think. I have no problem with constructive criticism, if somebody tells me a better way of doing something. But when I volunteered I used to be told that I was fast (I registered data) and I used to take that as meaning I'm sloppy and not careful enough. I did a couple of mistakes sometimes and this was pointed out to me and sure I felt bad, like maybe they would be better of without me although everybody were extremely nice. Even when I wasn't critisized I assumed it was because they simply didn't thought there was any point bothering, or they were afraid of hurting my feelings. That's me, I put a negative spin on anything- negative and positive. Making mistakes is extremely stressful and stress just increases the chances of making mistakes... I can't say if this is related to depression or not because I've always been sensitive and my recollection of the time before is kind of vague... Hard to explain but it's all kind of a chaotic blur and being avodiant I have avoided a lot of things because of fear of criticism and thus not being exposed to enough to become "immune", I guess. Or been out in the world enough to see that maybe I don't make more mistakes than anybody else. Anyway, I think it's really noble that you're devoting your time to charity. It certainly shows that you're not greedy and interested in "status". If you want to try something new for a change of pace, go for it, but I'm sure the people at your volonteer place are happy to have you there.
  14. I looked up pictures of 1973 mg midgets. I don't want to own a car, but if I were to I would definitely consider one of those because I am something of a 70's nerd. Actually it doesn't really matter what type of car it is as long as it was trendy in the 70's. I'd love to drive a van with lots of vibrant flower-power-y give-peace-a-chance-make-tea-not-love images on. (Oh when will they invent a time machine?) Anyway, I can't say I've ever experienced anything you could call a miracle but I like to think God's presence is in the seemingly non-miraculous things that still make you feel a little special, if only for a moment.
  15. You can always write on paper, but that might take longer.
  16. Very much so. I read all these posts about people who are jealous of people who are prettier and worry that their partners will cheat and I'm thinking: 1, you're clearly attractive enough to get a partner and 2, only beautiful people make these posts. I know some can be really bothered by these thoughts but I honestly can not relate, sorry. But there are plenty who can. But I'm not jealous of people who are more attractive than me because attractiveness is not an achievement and I wouldn't want to be extremely beautiful, I want people to like me and not my looks. I'm jelous of people who are driven and confident, tall, motivated, extroverted, outgoing... You know, perfect and flawless. People with connections. People who get jobs through family/friends. People who can do fun things in the weekends, go on holidays, go to parties. Everybody else, in other words. Even worse are people who have anxiety and depression and have still somehow managed to get themselves hired. They just make me feel like the loneliest person in the world.
  17. Don't stick to a therapist that doesn't suit you to protect his feelings. If it felt like he didn't undestand he didn't do a very good job. He's supposed to help you, not the other way around. (Remember: he gets paid) But I don't know... if their services are for short term treatments, maybe their therapists don't havethe competence to handle clients who are depressed? It sounds like they are more like counselors. Maybe you should try the female therapist and if they only do short-term stuff maybe she can give you some advice on what to do/where to turn?
  18. I just read that Wayne Brady from Whose Line Is It Anyway has been struggling with depression. I'm not even surprised anymore. Now only comedians who DON'T struggle with depression are shocking.
  19. I'm not so sure if anybody ever taught me that. At least not any particular person and not deliberately. It's honestly kind of a mystery to me where these thoughts came from and how it started but I think I owe it mostly to a general over-sensitivity. People go through a lot worse and don't develop the same thought patterns. But you're definitely right about the blank-paper thing. It's not always one major thing that leaves a mark but several small ones over time. And I think its great there's this blog function, it's a good place to be more open with your thoughts.
  20. Ha ha I said I wasn't going to worry about wordcount but I have... Just can't help it, I just can't stand not-"winning" (although I would prefer a good but short draft over a long and bad one). Anyway, it's not too bad yet. I hope more will post here and I will try to do that, too (or check back at the very least)... But let me tell you, my heart raced when I pondered checking out the new posts in this thread. It's ridiculous but hey I did it! :D Forum anxiety is a real thing. And now that I've shared this embarassing truth I will never return again. No, never say never.
  21. Being selfless is hard. Even when I think I am being selfess it turns out I'm really being selfish. For example, I might not want to see certain people sometimes. Mostly that is because of how ashamed I am of myself. And because I feel that way, I think nobody would be interested in seeing me and thus I might as well spare people from my presence. But, I am aware that it might also come off as rude. I shouldn't be so focused on myself, I should be more 'out there' just to show others that I am interested in them. That would be the selfless and selfsacrificing thing to do. But the thing is, the belief that I am not interesting or worth anything is very deeply rooted so although I know how I should behave on a conscious level, it is my core belief that I simply do not matter. The few people left in my life may say it's in my head and other kind things. It is true this core belief has resulted in me becoming very alone because I haven't always had the awareness I have now. But to me, it is a truth that no clichés can pierce through because experience has taught me this. Without playing the blame game I know it's mostly me that is responsible but I will not call it my fault because when I was a child I didn't know of the importance of social codes, taking initiatives and that. I was just me, blissfully unaware there was anything wrong with me at all. Thinking I probably didn't matter was the most natural thing in the world to me, always has been. I was told to speak up in class, but why should I have when I never had anything of interest to say? Or if somebody else can answer a question why should I? I was told to participate more but nobody ever told me why, nor did I have the sense to ask why. Now I'm older and wiser and know why, but back then I wasn't. But I digress... I am often conflicted. I want to be selfless and risk my pride showing interests in other people. But I'm so very afraid of being judged. You'd think that at this point in my life nothing matters, but it's a constant internal battle between the two alternatives. I want to protect myself but from what? I become increasingly dead inside so what do I have to lose, right? But that pesky core belief, that I don't matter.. It's very real.
  22. That HANDS are so HARD TO DRAW!!! (So hard it needs to be in all caps) Ugh, I just hate practice-drawing but I'm just so tired of giving up on pieces just because the hands aren't clear enough in the reference photo or because the challenge is just too big. No, it is time I scheduled practice sessions. I put the timer on and drew hands for one hour and it was sooo boooring! Feels like such a waste of paper, too. I do have a tablet but I prefer to practice on paper.
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