I'm trying to change how I behave. Show enthusiasm, talk although I don't fee like it, exchange pleantries. But it's just never enough. Why do I try to change myself this way? So others will like me. If my efforts dont yeild the desired results because it's just either not enough or I'm just not worth anything to anyone, why bother? Why bother at all? If I just feel like not saying a word, be damned what anyone thinks because damn it it's not like anyone cares if I try anyway. Trying to change is pointless. I'd be happier not trying to. Why try if nobody will recognize that you are at the very least trying.
And it keeps getting worse. Everyday normal things just really upsets me, everyday normal things that are not part of my not-normal life that I see. I can't even watch television (woe is me can't watch TV woe me and my west world problems people are homeless, Bell, get over yourself boo-******-hoo-hoo) and I avoid must threads because it just takes less and less to just trigger a flood of tears. But you know I strive to... welll, not stay positive per se in a sort of cliche-spewing lala-it-gets- better sort of positive, I mean realistically positive, I have... well I have many good things still as I write this but I have one particular thing that is particularly good that is all mine that validates me, that gives my life meaning, that makes me feel good about myself, that makes me feel capable of things. I just hope that everybody out there who is alone, that anybody who doesn't have something that can give them these occasional moments of feeling capable may find something that can but a massive ego helps and I have a massive ego so you know don't be afraid of believing you're way more awesome than everybody else. You probably are you know. If people can't recognize it it's because they aren't awesome enough.
So, for some reason I want to write. Ok, not for some reason. Because it seems glamorous to take walks in the forest at 6 am while still in my bath robe and then sit before a type writer with a mug of steaming hot coffee and perhaps a croissant after and then pop into the local book shop for research material and exchange pleasantries with the book keeper while riding a mobile ladder in a Belle-like fashion... Yes this is how I envision the glamourous life of a best selling author. (And mobile ladders, are there actually places IRL that have those and where are those places exactly?) But where was I... There are so many things I want to say that it is impossible to keep track. Well, today I sat down to look at one of my latest ideas and try to find, you know, the actual story. The stuff that happens. After having participated in Nanowrimo a couple of times I think it is safe to say I am a little wiser and a little more productive than I was before but have I learned how to come up with the pieces that make up a story, you know the events? Nuh uh. Still as clueless as ever. Still I'm torn between that character that I have written three times but has no premise or story and that story that has goal but no conflict... I'm constantly stuck with this box with pieces from different puzzles. The great idea that lacks conflict and the conflict that lacks the great idea... This isn't made better by the fact that the best way for me to get inspired at all to do something is by doing something else. I could be chrocheting and suddenly feel like writing a thing but it's so fleeting that it's best to keep crocheting and as soon as I drop the crochet hook the inspiration is also gone. It's not made better by the fact that my creative writer mind is less critical when I'm in bed and that thing that my inner editor was opposing that morning is suddenly not so terrible but you know I'm in bed can it wait until tomorrow? No it can't because then my inner editor is rested and finding faults in everything again! I think it's time to crochet a bit.
Sometimes I watch buddhist vids on youtube. It always makes sense while I watch and then I make a note to myself to not forget what is said but of course I do anyway and if I remember I probably remember wrong but anyway. I can never remember their eloquent ways of phrasing things and when I try to repeat it it always comes off as clumsy but oh well. But one thing that resurfaced today was the concept of interpreting situations and reacting to them. Say I'm in a situation. Someone might say something or just behave in a way that I naturally interpret in a way that offends me and then I react with having hurt feelings although 1, I might be misinterpreting and 2, it's only the reaction that is hurting me and not the situation and interpretation in itself. This is something I must get better at. Not interpreting things negatively and not reacting. We're only thoughts and reactions. On another note I've had a good couple of days and not been too bothered by the things I lack in my life such as a future. I hope I can keep warding off the demons, I get more things done that way. But of course I'm stuck with a pesky cold instead. But I get more things done with a pesky cold.
Being selfless is hard. Even when I think I am being selfess it turns out I'm really being selfish. For example, I might not want to see certain people sometimes. Mostly that is because of how ashamed I am of myself. And because I feel that way, I think nobody would be interested in seeing me and thus I might as well spare people from my presence. But, I am aware that it might also come off as rude. I shouldn't be so focused on myself, I should be more 'out there' just to show others that I am interested in them. That would be the selfless and selfsacrificing thing to do. But the thing is, the belief that I am not interesting or worth anything is very deeply rooted so although I know how I should behave on a conscious level, it is my core belief that I simply do not matter. The few people left in my life may say it's in my head and other kind things. It is true this core belief has resulted in me becoming very alone because I haven't always had the awareness I have now. But to me, it is a truth that no clichés can pierce through because experience has taught me this. Without playing the blame game I know it's mostly me that is responsible but I will not call it my fault because when I was a child I didn't know of the importance of social codes, taking initiatives and that. I was just me, blissfully unaware there was anything wrong with me at all. Thinking I probably didn't matter was the most natural thing in the world to me, always has been. I was told to speak up in class, but why should I have when I never had anything of interest to say? Or if somebody else can answer a question why should I? I was told to participate more but nobody ever told me why, nor did I have the sense to ask why. Now I'm older and wiser and know why, but back then I wasn't. But I digress... I am often conflicted. I want to be selfless and risk my pride showing interests in other people. But I'm so very afraid of being judged. You'd think that at this point in my life nothing matters, but it's a constant internal battle between the two alternatives. I want to protect myself but from what? I become increasingly dead inside so what do I have to lose, right? But that pesky core belief, that I don't matter.. It's very real.