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About greyromblues

  • Birthday 03/18/1993

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Florida, U.S.
  • Interests
    Reading, writing, embroidery, 18th-20th century history, queer history, civil rights, marginalized histories, gender theory, zombies, animated movies, coffee, Les Mis, fashion.

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  1. I've taken three showers since I last posted here--which is pretty good for me, though this past shower I waited so long my hair was a GREASE BOMB. Another trick I have is to use dry shampoo, since it soaks up all that grease. I might need to get back into the habit of using it.
  2. Something that got me more jazzed to take a shower last time I did so was making a little home-made sugar scrub. I got the instructions from here: http://www.treehugger.com/organic-beauty/8-homemade-salt-and-sugar-body-scrubs.html I just took a shower for the first time in a week (I want to use this thread as an accountability thread, as I've seen some others do).
  3. I'm actually struggling with depression and faith a lot at the moment....After being atheist/agnostic for a few years, I wanted that feeling of unconditional love and constant companionship. I'd never felt that in my previous experiences with Christianity (which is why I was atheist for a bit--I'm glad for my atheist years, I want to be clear. I don't think I was "wrong" during those years, but there are different ways of faith that are right for us at different times in our lives). I remember telling a friend, I couldn't imagine an experience of faith that wasn't motivated by guilt. That's what makes it difficult for me now to heal my depression through faith. I first thought of trying to pray in order to heal when I watched an interview with a comedian named Maria Bamford. She speaks often about her OCD and depression, and talks about her interpretation that certain saints who talk about praying in order to dispell "impure" thoughts had OCD: https://youtu.be/-p8UHZ-8knA?t=587 I've been looking for saints for whom there is evidence they were depressed. There is a patron saint of mental illness, St. Dymphna. And there are lots of nice prayers here for relief from depression and mental illness: http://dailyprayer.us/prayers/healing.php
  4. Remember you don't have to stick with the first therapist you see. You can look at a couple until you find one that works for you--that you don't think you're going to have an unproductive relationship with. You should probably outright tell them that you're scared of that happening? It's probably more common than you think. A therapist won't be shocked to hear it. I think it would help you to think of all these things as a process, as something you have to learn and experiment with and heal. With both the therapist and the relationship. Absolutely go to a therapist! Looking after your mental health will also give you something to occupy your mind other than dating. Try to accept that relationships do not always work out how you want them to. Don't say "it's impossible to have a long, healthy relationship", say, "I have not yet had a long, healthy relationship". Tell the person you're dating sometime early on that depression affects your moods and how affectionate you feel, and it makes you feel you're not in love (you can be as vague or specific as you want in telling them this). Even if it doesn't go perfectly the first time you try, you have made a step toward finding the right therapist, finding the right boyfriend, and feeling better.
  5. The title of this thread caught my eye immediately. I really relate to not knowing whether or not I can believe. At the same time I feel like I can't not believe, just because I can't seem to put this religious crisis out of mind. I was raised Catholic, but started IDing as atheist in tenth grade. I was so happy without God, but then it changed. I've spent the last three years of college in a religious crisis. I once spoke to a friend of mine who was raised Pagan/Wiccan about it......I told them I couldn't imagine being motivated into religious practice by anything other than guilt. They told me guilt was never a factor in their religion. I just can't fathom that. I recognize that catechism taught me some things that really mess with me, but it's hard to make yourself stop believing them. It's such cruel fate that I can't stop believing in those but I can't start believing in God. I know what appeals to me about religion--I want that unconditional love, I want a friend and a listener who can be there always, at any time. I can't ask that of a human but I can ask it of God. Then I feel guilty that I only want religion to serve me, that I don't come to it the right way. I went, without telling anyone, to a church near my apartment to speak to a priest about it (or parishoner, or something....I don't know who I spoke to). I had been looking for SOMETHING to job me into belief, looking up psalms, reading religious fiction--it all fell flat. And she was as unsatisfying as the rest of it--though she did help me learn a little more. She said "everyone doubts" and though it wasn't helpful, there was something reassuring about it. But I don't want to doubt, there's so much doubt and overthinking and second-guessing in my life already. I feel a tiny bit more at peace with the notion that believing in God is going to be a process for me but, at the times when I really want God, it's so difficult not to have it.
  6. I'm scared. I read suicides most commonly occur in the early hours of the morning, and it's the early hours of the morning now. I've searched and searched for a suicide chat service, but they're all offline. I can't call a service. I'm 21, I'm staying at my parents' house for the holidays. They'll hear me. They'll be so scared. I want to die so badly but I can't now. Our brother crashed and died this summer. My little brother would be devastated. What if my mom kills herself? She's had so much death in her family. Her brother died, her mother committed suicide, and now she's lost a son. She can't lose another one. What would happen tox the family?
  7. I have a therapist, yeah. Good to know I'm not like The Only Person who thinks like this. It doesn't always cause me a lot of distress, but at times....... Thanks for the heads-up, Teddy545.
  8. I feel exactly like you, pretty much. These are the things I do when I go out: I use music to pretend I'm somewhere else that makes me happy (that sounds like a big mental effort, but I'm not like trying to astral project, I'm just letting the music give me pleasant thoughts). I walk or take the bus, so I have earphones, but if you drive, keep a cd in your car. I bring my phone AND an mp3 player in my bag in case the phone runs out of juice. You can bring a book, or something to do with your hands--a rubix cube, a lanyard, even something like a soduku app on your phone. These give you excuses for not having to socialize with people, if that's part of your worry. And it makes you look busy. And it just occupies your mind and makes the time go by faster if you're waiting on a bus or in a line or something. Do the easy stuff first! Give yourself plenty of slack. And award yourself, too, yeah! I usually get myself a bite to eat--sometimes I wait until I'm a little hungry and then I go, "Okay, go out, run your errand, and then get food." My friend sometimes invites me to eat because the companionship also gets them out of the house. To be honest, I have at times needed to do the food BEFORE the errand to get myself out of the house. I bring everything I need for the errand. Then I put the errand out of my mind. I think, "I'm just going out to get some tasty food and that's all I need to think about." Then when I'm done with the food, I don't let myself go home yet--since I have all the stuff for the errand with me, I go and do that. And when I say errand I'm talking about things like classes as well, since I'm in college. So I've had to find a lot of strategies to get myself to do stuff I don't want to do. But do the easy/quick stuff first and you'll have fewer tasks to do in less time!!!! And good luck.
  9. I told a friend not too long ago that "I want to commit suicide the way I want to move to Paris and start a new life. I'm always going to think about it, but I'm never going to actually do it." (I fibbed a little, I think I might do it one day, but right now I don't have plans and am feeling pretty okay). My therapist refers to this attitude as suicidal ideation but it seems so unintense to me, it's just........there. Does anyone else have this experience? Is this a normal attitude to have when depressed? I'm not sure this is the right place to put this topic, but there doesn't seem to be a forum about suicide (which I understand, you wouldn't want to foster a discussion of suicide).
  10. Glad to see Laverne Cox mentioned on here! No one has made me love myself as a member of the transgender community like she has. Her rejection of the supposed importance of passing as cisgender is so affirming. She and women like Cece McDonald, Janet Mock, and Carmen Carrera are my heroes. Also if anyone wants music, Janelle Monae, Rufus Wainwright, and Mika are great queer artists.
  11. Hi. I'm about to start senior year of college. My therapist and psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression in January and I started medication and I feel as ambivalent about it today as I did then. Part of me feels like I may have been depressed my whole life, part of me says this is a new thing, part of me says I don't have it at all. I can't escape the thought that this is some elaborate sham that I'm tricking evreyone, including myself, into believing. So I really feel like I don't belong here but--I really want all the feelings to go away. I hope talking to people makes me feel better.
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