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Everything posted by Snow55

  1. Suicide ideations come and go, you just have to live through it. My therapist is always telling me to **** what is causing you the pain without hurting yourself. So if loneliness is the problem, you have to make yourself socially engage with friends, with family, with someone. I just read this idea this morning. Loneliness involves a sense of separation from people and will intensify over time. In this state we find it hard to reach out and easier to not be around other people. When our mind starts telling us no one's interested in what we have to say or do, we build a wall around our heart and allow access to very few. The more we withdraw, the worse we feel. Peace of mind eludes us, and loneliness weighs us down. We were not meant to live our lives disconnected from others, rather we are social beings. So as hard as it is, when you feel alone it is up to is to reach out and ask for help. So this is me reaching out to you because you said you were lonely. Like others who have responded, you have friends here who care. Take care~Snow
  2. I certainly have no expertise in this area but it sound like you are experiencing depression, not anhedonia to me. If you are deriving pleasure from several areas in your life it doesn't seem to fit the definition for anhedonian. I was asked if I enjoy food, the taste of food and the answer is no. But then I have never truly enjoyed eating at any time in my life. I recall watching "The Jetsons" on TV, a futuristic cartoon back in the 1960's. They simply popped a pill for a meal. Even then that made more sense to me than eating, so I am still waiting for the day when the entire messy experience of cooking, baking, preparing food can be done away with and kitchens become a thing of the past. All you need is one or more nutritious pills. I always figures that NASA, the space programs would be the first to come up with this solution. But I am still waiting.
  3. I agree with bivic's point of view (June 6th) on the longevity of Anhedonia. As a scientist I out-of-hand reject the anecdotal evidence. I have been experiencing the loss of all pleasure and interest for at least 15 or more years. I get no breaks, no peak experiences or short breakthroughs. In my case I am very sure it is a result of using Cymbalta, one of the worst Big Phara drugs to ever hit the mentall ill community. Not only did it **** off any enjoyment of life, I gained 40 pounds in a matter of months, and it made me sexually dead. Absolutely no interest in sex and unable to respond physiologically. My hope was that going off of Cymbalta would, in time as the drug slowly worked its way out of my system that my metabolic rate would return to normal making it possible for me to lose the weight. I was also hoping for a return to sexuality both physiologically and mentally. I was hoping that I would once again enjoy music, have a deeper appreciation for nature, and be able to go back to my hobbies. I quit Cymbalta at the beginning of November 2013. Not only has nothing returned back to my pre-Cymbalta levels, but I am still suffering some of the side effects of the Cymbalta Withdrawal Syndrome, mostly brain zaps and blurred vision. I do appreciate the advice that folks offer for ways to defeat Anhedonia, but nothing has helped me. I continue to live in a world of nothingness, which IMHO begs the question, "Why continue this existence?" I operate at a robotic level. Existence is not living. If nothing gives me pleasure, happiness, or joy, how am I supposed to be able to give it to someone else? How can I be the source of someone else's happiness when I don't feel any myself? How can you give away what you don't have? How can I love others when I can't love myself? When feelings are gone, when emotions are dead what is the point in living? I wish I was one of the lucky ones who only experienced this monster for a few months. But I am not. It appears that I am doomed to live my life out never again feeling any pleasure, or joy, or happiness. Let me end by throwing out a crazy idea. Based on the gate control theory of pain which postulates that since pain travels along nerve pathways, it is possible to close the gate, thus stopping the transmission of pain from its source to the brain. If the brain never receives the pain message, no pain is felt. Could it be possible that emotions also travel along some physical pathway in the body which also takes them to the brain for processing? IF that were to be the case, then the techniques for closing the pain gateway could be used in reverse, opening the emotional pathway for the emotion being sent to make it all the way to the brain, and the feelings then processed would be experienced. Typically this is achieved through acupuncture. Has anyone tried acupuncture to alleviate Anhedonia? I would be delighted to hear from someone who has tried this, that there are acupuncturists who have studied this, attempted it and had success. I would do anything to open the pathways so the flow of emotions would once again reach my brain for processing and I could FEEL love, joy, passion. Am I really just grasping at straws here? Or does someone know whether is crazy idea has been tried, and better yet been met with success? I would love to hear anyone's stories regarding this idea. I would also love to hear someone else's ideas regarding the potential for this emotional pathway to exist on a physical level. Come on! Brainstorm with me!
  4. If I can't get any joy from holding my first grandchild, where will I ever find joy again?

  5. If it comes back, that means there are times when it's not there. Doesn't that give you some hope? Throw yourself a pity party anytime you want. And since misery loves miserable company, feel free to invite us to join you. No need to apologize for your feelings, or writing them out in your blog. That's the whole idea. People are here because they choose to be here. So share, we're listening and we care.
  6. Divorce is complex and intimidating to anyone who has the misfortune of going through one. You are absolutely right about standing up for yourself, if you don't no one will. Speaking from experience on this point, I can tell you if you don't play hard ball you will lose, get taken advantage of, or pushed into a corner. There is no such thing as a civil divorce. It is a fight and you must fight for what is a fair settlement in your mind. If you don't, once it is over, settled and signed you will have regrets and it will be too late to do anything about it. Don't walk around your own house on eggshells, STOMP around the house and be heard. She started it, make sure you end it to your best possible satisfaction. Sounds like you're a great dad taking care of your kids, fixing breakfast and all. Maybe if you focus on their care and avoid/ignore your spouse you will be able to exist in your own home more happily. After all, right now the kids and their well bring is what should be important to you, not your soon to be ex-wife. Sorry if I am sounding harsh or coming on too strong with my advice. My divorce is fairly recent and the wounds are still open and hurting. So my point is to help you avoid getting wounded as much as I did in my divorce war. Take care ~ Snow
  7. RECENT HOPEFULNESS SHOT DOWN. Although my earlier post on this topic was extremely despondent, due to my daughter's pregnancy both my therapist and I had hopes that my becoming a grandmother and holding a newborn baby in my arms would elicit a biologically based emotional response. My grandson was born May 29th and mother, father, and baby are all doing wonderfully. I visited them all at the hospital on May 30th and got a chance to hold my grandson for about 20 minutes. Then other visitors began to arrive. However, yesterday I was able to spend 7 hours with my daughter and grandson. It was uninterrupted time, no other visitors as there were at the hospital. I got to hold my grandson for hours. He is the spitting image of both of my kids as newborns. While the experience brought back memories os when my children were young, and it was a nice experience, I was NOT flooded with feelings of joy, happiness, even love. I didn't feel a thing, not a single thing. Here I am spending wonderful, quality time with this little miracle of life, and my response to him was NOTHING. I am truly despondent. It seems that if anything in life could or would or even should trigger a positive emotional reaction, holding your newborn grandson would be it. Talk about depressing. Last hope - gone.
  8. I had to give up my career completely after 20 years of teaching. I just couldn't keep up the pace and was completely burned out, exhausted. I filed for and received SSDI. I was one of the lucky ones who actually got it with my first application. It has been ten years since I have worked and I know that I couldn't possibly work anywhere. I don't have the energy. So yes, depression can make life so hard you aren't able to work at all. Best of luck to you.
  9. Congratulations on making it to your doctor appointment. The first time I went in to talk to my doctor about being depressed once I got there I couldn't do it, so had to schedule an appointment for the next week. You did very well making the appointment, keeping it, and having a doctor who listened and offered you some very good advice as well as prescribing some meds. Good luck, you've started down a path towards healing. Just stay on the road. It won't be easy, sometimes you'll fall down, but keep talking to us and let us know how you are doing. When you fall there will be people here to pick you back up and get you moving once again. Folks here are awesome, you just have to reach out and ask.
  10. Snow55

    A Suicide

    Yes, how incredibly sad. I am in her same situation, that is being heavily suicidal and still trying to reach out for social support and failing to connect with people on almost every level. When depressed,social isolation is strongly correlated with suicide. Even my kids (ages 26 & 29) are aware of my dire situation, yet they only increased their communications by a fraction, even after my therapist emailed them telling them to be sure and contact me over the weekend as I had just been through a most difficult week. I didn't hear from either of them until Sunday night. But I wrote in to DF and people here reached out and contacted me over that weekend, possibly saving my life. Thanks for sharing this story. It reminds us all how important social contact is for our emotional health. Thanks too for the folks at DF who read our stories and reach out to help. Guardian Angels all.
  11. Here is the conclusion I reached. Life without purpose is life without meaning. Life without meaning is life without hope. Life without hope is life with no future. Solution? Work towards finding a new purpose in your life, a new passion. Find a way to contribute, volunteer, help someone else. Get out of your head and make it about someone or something else. An overly simplistic solution to a complex problem. But it's worth a shot.
  12. I am in the same boat, MDD for 40 years. Then add on physical pain and other illnesses, as well as anxiety problems. As you age you add the loss of major life roles such as retiring from your career, the kids moving out, divorce or loss of a spouse and you find yourself alone with little purpose or meaning in your life. You lose the ability to enjoy life, so all your hobbies or interests no longer provide any motivation for you to do things you used to like to do. Life becomes existence. You have to find a way to deal with all the losses, so stick with your therapist, family, friends. That's the best I can offer.
  13. For me the suicide ideation usually begins on days when I am in severe physical pain. Because my pain is chronic, when it flares up I begin to spiral down mentally. So I start with all of the "I can't take it any more" thinking. The longer I stay with those thoughts the closer I get to acting on the suicide ideation. So my stopping point is trying to stop the physical pain. Sometimes that means trying to sleep. I agree with others that this kind of thinking does become habitual. And the research Is pretty clear that the more you think about it, the more plans you make, the more likely you are to act on those thoughts. So anything you can do to break the cycle of thinking about suicide, the better off you are. Then again, generally it's not the case that I willfully bring on these thoughts. They seem to come out of nowhere. So it boils down counteracting the thoughts when they come. Stay safe~Snow
  14. You keep looking for someone who can help you. You know yourself best and if you know things aren't as they should be, then keep going to doctors until you find one to stick with you and keep probing until you get an answer. Take care~Snow
  15. You know I frequently read about helping yourself by remembering when you did feel good. I have been MDD for so long I can't remember I time when I did feel good. I can't even remember a time when I felt anything, at least not anything positive. I don't care about anyone or anything. Too hard for too long. As far as living this existence, I really couldn't care less.
  16. Can't get myself to do anything. TV, sleep, and ruminate. Spiraling down everyday being overcome with suicide ideation. I actually did try to make contact with 3 separate family members thinking that would help me get up and get going. They are all too busy, so I have no one. I would call my therapist, but he would put me in the hospital since I don't have anyone to be with. Helpless, hopeless, classic MDD and going down fast. Really can't stand this anymore.
  17. It's Saturday and the last time I was out of the house was Tuesday and that was to go see my therapist. I have been trying each day to get out, go somewhere, get some sun, or just buy groceries but I can't do it. Staying at home means I am not doing anything but spiraling down with suicide ideations. To make matters worse it's a holiday weekend, so if I did get out to a store it would be very busy and I would panic. I know I should go out, I need to go out, but is just can't. This isn't going to end well.
  18. I was unable to get through all 68 pages, but did manage to pick up several of the main summary posts. I am a fellow sufferer and have been for probably 20+ years. I have been labeled as medication resistant by taking the P450 test at Mayo Clnic, which looks at genetic markers. I don't know why I expected after all these years of research and all of the participants here on the DF to find some hope when I got to the end of the post today, but I did. I needed to. Recent detrimental life events have pushed me to the lowest level of MDD yet. Also while I have always been GAD as well, it has now gotten to the point of being a social phobia. On several recent occasions when I have made it out of the house to a concert or a large family gathering I have neared the point of moving into a panic attack. I suddenly feel the need to leave ASAP and return to my house where I am safe. A great catch-22 as I maybe safe, but I am also completely alone (recent divorce after long term marriage), therefore I am lonely. So the experiences of trying to overcome the social phobia have backfired and moved me closer to becoming agoraphobic. This past weekend was a milestone for me. I finished up the last of the big holidays or family gatherings. Now for the next several months there is nothing on my social calendar at all. So I am just marking time which causes me to ruminate and spiral down. Like others,I can sit for hours on end doing absolutely nothing. There is no motivation to begin doing anything and there is no pleasure in finishing anything. I have no sexual desire and the Cymbalta which added 40 pounds to my short frame also took away my ability to respond sexually. So I feel as if I am a female eunuch. I was just beginning to try an online dating site, but I can see from what I have read that LOVE is not going to suddenly appear and in the long run I will only be harming a potential suitor. So I will stop this crazy idea before it goes any further. Unlike many of you I have been battling strongly destructive thoughts. And with what I have learned from this post I see no hope for the future in terms of returning to the land of emotions and life and love. If that is to be the case, and it has been for far too many years, I cannot see any valid reason for continuing this existence. I think there is some similarity to having no emotional response, no pleasurable experiences and the phenomenon known as locked in syndrome. I consider neither of these conditions to be living, I see them as existence. I do not care...about anything or anyone. Label me selfish if you desire. Self-preservation to me seems selfish as I am taking away good resources from others who can lead productive, loving lives that actually contribute to the betterment of mankind. I have nothing to offer anyone. So one day when the self-destructive thoughts hit I see no reason to fight them off anymore. After all these years and after all this research I was really hoping for a better outcome. How very disappointing. How can there be any reason for hope? For me, this post is the perverbially last straw.
  19. I have heard it referred to as having a "flat affect," that is not being able to feel love or any other emotion for that matter. This is part of my depression and it makes you feel like a robot. Nothing moves you to tears, nothing makes you laugh. Without emotions, life is nothing.
  20. I am afraid of rejection and intimacy. But I am also tired of being alone. So I am trying an online dating site. I am just beginning a relationship with someone, but we have yet to meet. Some days I want to meet him and other days I want to run away and hide. Stay posted, I'll let you know how it turns out! Take care ~ Snow
  21. Is huggle a word? If not can we make it one? It is a hug with a snuggle. I used to huggle my dog all the time. Oh how I miss him! Anyone got a huggle for me? ((SS me SS))
  22. Feel like I am marking time. Today's big event feels like my last.

  23. I have the same problem, deepening sadness. Now I refer to it as being desperately sad. I got so bad today that I sent a text to a friend saying I was separately sad, and asked him to pray for me. Between that and a long, hot bath I seemed better...for awhile. Then the same isolation sadness came back. The more my life goes on the more losses I seem to be experiencing, and the more losses the more sadness. It gets to the point where you wonder how much more you can take. For me it has been too hard for too long and I see no reason why there should be any change in the pattern. Part of aging is dealing with loss. The kids grow up and leave home. Your career is over. Your husband decides to end your long-term marriage. Soon I will lose my 90-year old parents. Friends drift away. My health deteriorates. Good grief, I even had to put my beloved companion of 14 years, my dog down back in October of 2013. Hard to imagine a positive future when you past is full of loss and sadness. Yet we plug on day after day with the dim hope that something good MIGHT happen. Take care ~ Snow
  24. I too have trouble getting out of the house. Lately I have been going to see my therapist, and then since I am out, I stop and pick-up the few groceries I need or medications. I am literally out of the house one day a week for about 2 1/2 hours tops. I live alone, and had to put my beloved 14-year old dog down last October. So I have one less reason to get out. Recently I decided to try and get out and do things such as attending 2 concerts or getting together with my extended family for birthday parties. In all of those situations I came close to having an anxiety attack and had to hurry home where I feel safe, . Yes I am safest home,but I am also alone. And the more isolated I let myself become the harder and harder it becomes to get out at all. Truly a vicious cycle. My psychiatric nurse has ramped up my anti anxiety meds, and they help for a short period of time, but they are also addictive. So stay at home, be isolated and get depressed OR Go out and try to run some errands and have panic attacks. Neither is logical or reasonable. Such is the nature of mental illness.
  25. Yes, many people say you can't experience joy if you haven't felt pain. But when all you know is pain, one has to wonder if joy will ever exist for you. I can see it in other people, but it is nowhere to be found in my life. Many theological and philosophical ideas state that life is pain. If that is the case, then why is the desire to continue this existence more overpowering than the desire to leave this world behind? Life for me isn't pain, it is hell. Everyone has a breaking point, and at some time I don't believe I will be able to fend off the demons that want to drag me down. Once the downward spiral begins it is hard to break the chain of thought. Yet I have continued to do so for years. I guess the question is, "Why?"
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