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Mudig

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  1. I might be the most pathetic one here and you will find out why as you continue to read. First off, I'd like to mention that no matter how pathetic my life is, I don't feel sad at all...I don't exactly feel happy either I just feel like an emotionless drone who seems to be getting angrier and angrier. I turned 26 a few days ago and recently I've been getting these panic(?) attacks that wake me up from my sleep. These attacks are shocking realizations of me wasting my youth not ever having any contact with a girl other than some small talk through out my day(yes, I'm a virgin). I figured if I still don't care enough to go out and try to get a girl, I will never care...but it's strange because if I don't care, then why am I going crazy over the fact that I have never kissed a girl before? I don't know, and I don't have the income to actually seek real help and that's why I'm here. A few other things I would like to mention about my lack of caring...it has transferred over to my life. I don't care enough to go outside, to exercise, to talk with anyone, to find a job, etc. I'm lazy about everything I do and I just don't care. My day involves me getting up at 10am and using the computer until midnight and going to sleep. This routine has been going on since I was 18 and I don't know how to stop it. Well, I should say I don't have the motivation to change anything. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't drink, I don't smoke and I don't take any drugs. The day goes by at a blink of an eye for me and I go unchanged. I went back to school a year ago and I was doing fine for a semester but then things started to change...I still manage a solid GPA but my care level has dropped dramatically...none of the school work is difficult for me, but my laziness and my utter lack of caring has caused it to be such a chore to even begin one assignment. I guess my true lack of caring began when I turned 25...I mean, I always felt lazy about a lot of things, but at least before that I still had some form of motivation. Now, it seems like it's all gone. I'm just a robot staring into the computer screen literally all day. I've tried fighting this...and it seems like it's a mental problem but it's gotten so bad that it almost feels like I physically can't. Also some further context to why I'm this way: I guess it started when I was a teenager, I was always told that I'm ugly(which I am) and I was always picked on from that...so of course I was glad high school was finished. Normally I expected to get over it and not be so sensitive about it in my adulthood...but I'm still about as sensitive and paranoid as I was when I was a teenager. I guess this is the main reason why I've never attempted to engage in further conversation with women...I have 0 confidence. Anyway, i know I'm all over the place with this story but lately that's how my brain has been functioning...I don't have proper structure in anything in my life; no goals, no agendas, nothing. I wonder if someone else here is dealing with something like this. Thanks for reading.
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