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Everything posted by Kabukicho

  1. Today, I failed. I did not attend my final exam at graduate school. I canceled an appointment with my therapist because I was hungover / trashed out of my mind on benzos. None of that is important because I will shortly be relocating to a new city, a new job, a new doctor. I do not need my graduate degree. In fact, I believe that the American higher education system is a rigged game. It is a bubble-economy and it will shortly burst. Hence, perhaps I am lashing out a little. The bottom line is that today is a wash. I am not going to do anything today. I may summon up the courage to admit my depression / anxiety issues to my girlfriend. But that is about it.
  2. To addicts (such as myself), we often speak of "tough love." I have taken so much "tough love" right to the face in this life that the pain has become unspeakably intolerable. Have you lived through a natural disaster? Have you stood in the middle of the street in Tokyo and watched the windows shattering around you, watched the children crying for their mothers, watched the cars hitting each other as they slammed to a stop to avoid the glass falling from the skyscrapers? Have you felt "phantom earthquakes?" Have you been evacuated from Tokyo due to an impending nuclear meltdown? Have you suffered from an acute stress reaction and / or long-term PTSD? Have you suffered from debilitating insomnia and panic attacks? Are you so afraid to step foot in an airplane that you need 5 mg Xanax and three beers just to make it through? Have you broken down in tears in the middle of your workplace because you just can't take the bullsh*t anymore? Have you had relatives and close friends die horrible, terrifying deaths in a tsunami? While they were on their way to work? While they were on their way to drop off their beautiful children (who also perished) at daycare? Don't give me that tough love nonsense. I have swallowed so many bitter, bitter pills in this life. Booze gives me solace.
  3. I recently spent over $1000 dollars over the course of 5 months doing "talk therapy" with a profoundly worthless PhD. I totally understand. At first, the self-help books and therapy seem to work. But then they don't. You learn all that there is to be offered. Honestly, right now...I hate my therapist. Just got charged a cancellation fee, too. Last night I got drunk and had about 10 mg of Xanax. I am not suicidal, I just want to numb the agony of existence.
  4. You sound so much like me. Hyper-sensitive. A desire to numb those feelings. I am jealous that you can induce a trance in a healthy, non-destructive manner.
  5. I tried Mirtazapine. It made me feel gross. It gave me restless-leg syndrome. It gave me weird dreams and munchies. Quit it after about two weeks.
  6. Well, you asked for it. I am about to vent. Turning on the steam. This life is nauseating. There may or may not be a God. As humans, we cannot fundamentally understand our world. We are in existential limbo. Some people turn to religion (a lie, I believe), some people turn to love (reasonable, but hard when you have been cheated on numerous times), and some people turn to substances. God, I love substances. I would drown in alcohol and Xanax if I wasn't so afraid to die. Life is brutal, harsh, and mercifully short. Whatever sort of "higher power" is controlling this universe does not seem to care much about human happiness. It seems to care only about decay, destruction, and death. We are all on the midnight express to a miserable end. I am currently watching my WWII-veteran grandfather suffer greatly as his wife of 50 years dies slowly from Alzheimer's while losing her mind. How is this fair? How is this allowable? I do not understand why this universe has to be such a ******* piece of sh*t place. That is my ultimate problem and the source of my addictions. I refuse to abide by the rules of this life. I refuse to accept them. What is life except for the pursuit of pleasure? And after you attain that pleasure...what do you get? Boredom. Boredom. The attainment of pleasure or the subsidance of pain results in boredom. Okay, get some hobbies. Fly an airplane. Get a dog. Get a girlfriend. See how long that pleasure lasts. It DOES NOT last. Bottom line: Life does not align with human desires. Humans desire compassion, health, and existential meaning. Life offers us none of those. (Or, if it does, it offers them for only a brief time.) Camus put this nicely. This is what he calls the absurd condition. It is where I currently find myself.
  7. I am attempting to find "peace of mind" but it is incredibly difficult without substances. I am just so very, very scared of existence. I don't want to die But, at the same time, I'm not sure that life (as I know it) is acceptable to me.
  8. Afflicted, very wise words. Thank you. I have deep, deep seated underlying issues and I'm not sure how to escape them. I have been to numerous therapists. I have seen PhD-level psychologists. And they have barely scratched the surface of my agony. I was cheated on twice by women whom I loved deeply. That is a factor. I have seen friends attain their dream jobs through "family connections" while I have been shut out in the cold. I have been through natural disasters and developed mild PTSD. I suddenly develoepd anxiety in early adolescence. Those are my contributing factors.
  9. flashquish, thank you for your kind words and advice. I am not yet ready to give up my addictions. I do want to taper off them. But, somehow, I think I need a chemical crutch to get through life. Believe me, I do not take addiction lightly. I am terrified. I just don't know how to live without chemicals...
  10. No, I have not. I will be relocating shortly and perhaps I will ask my new doctor (with whom I am already in contact with) about sleeping aids. The insomnia is truly ******* hideous. I cannot even describe it. I will do anything to escape it, including massive amounts of alcohol and benzos. I can't work if I don't sleep. If I can't work, I can't survive. It is that simple.
  11. Infamybrain, you get it. You seem to understand.
  12. Well, I just took a Klonopin and alcohol nap at 4 PM and woke up at 8 PM. I was f*cked up and thought it was the morning. Thought I slept for like 16 hours. Surprised to see that it was 8 PM, not 8 AM. ****. Given my insomnia, OF COURSE I didn't sleep for 16 hours...
  13. I'm not self-harming. If anything, I'm just trying to self-medicate for anxiety and insomnia...
  14. We have to come to terms with the brutal nature of existence. We also have needs that require fulfilling. Love, passion, meaning, pleasure. These are requirements. If they can be met without turning to chemical addiction, then you have truly succeeded.
  15. Thank you, all, for the harm-reduction advice. I feel that I dose fairly responsibly, currently. But, as I said, dosages (of both alcohol and clonazepam) are escalating. I am searching for other answers.
  16. My doctor has refused to prescribe more than 2mg per day. So, yes, he knows. He doesn't know that I binge and have 4 mg days with alcohol included. I would never admit to that. But, yeah, he knows I'm reaching out for as many benzos as I can possibly legally obtain.
  17. You probably answered your question. Only you would really know. A few of my suicide attempts were made with a bottle of Clonazepam (~30mg) and a plastic bag. I wanted to escape the misery I was in both in terms of depression and anxiety. I would have succeeded but I would have also escaped any chance at happiness, an unintended consequence. Of course, this doesn't apply if you're just bored and didn't want to be cognizant of that fact you were. In any case, take it easy on the benzos. 4mg of Klonopin is a small horse tranquilizer. That's the problem. I'm an addict. I don't take it easy. I mean, I CAN take it easy, but it's not comfortable. It's boring and I feel restless and I feel anxious and depressed. That being said, I am prescribed the benzos and I know, deep down inside, that there is a limited supply of them. So I control it as best I can.
  18. I am currently watching my girlfriend sleep, naked, taking a nap. I am happy. Life is okay right now. But she will leave to go to her job. And I will have to get to work on my freelance projects. She won't return for a few days. During those days, I believe I will turn to substances for comfort.
  19. I want to kick the booze. I don't think I can function in normal society without the benzos, however.
  20. I am an addict. That much is clear. 4 mg of Klonopin doesn't touch me. A fifth of booze doesn't touch me. Yeah, I'll pass out and go to sleep. But I won't be disabled. I can take in that much and still go to the kitchen to have a snack, etc. I don't say that out of pride or anything. I just say that because those are the facts. I have developed a massive tolerance to downers because downers make me happy.
  21. I miss my dog (she's with my parents now and I live far away). I can't really get one because I live alone, alas. What kind of dog is it? I wish I could sleep half the day. I have terrible insomnia. I also think, maybe due to my depression / anxiety, sleep is preferable to reality. I like that warm blanket that settles over you as you prepare to go to bed. And the gentle waking after a good, deep slumber. I don't want to die. I just want to...sleep...a LOT.
  22. Yes, you are right about that...but even after I do all that...there are these dark hours in the night that wait to be filled...
  23. I like running. I like reading good books (but I think I read all of them...). I like hot baths. Hanging out with friends. Being with my girlfriend. Sex. Studying Japanese. Watching TV and movies. Eating food. Buying new clothes. Traveling. Crossword puzzles. Scrabble. None of that is fun when you are suffering crippling anxiety, however. Or after a night of wretched insomnia. What about you?
  24. In the past (1800s), people like you might have had more open access to opiates as a treatment for depression. And you might have benefited. Now, opiates are such a no-no and are barely given in adequate dosages for people in physical pain. (Sorry, personal political rant.)
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