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Everything posted by TheDuke

  1. I've come to the conclusion that I've been rationalizing away my emotions. I am naturally very rational and can easily see the flawed logic behind my emotions. I feel a lot of the time like my emotions are like a 3 year old baby screaming in the backseat of my car and I'm the adult driver. I know we need to get somewhere in time, and I know exactly the most strategic way to get there - but oh wait the baby in the backseat (my emotions) wants to stop for ice cream. My regular strategy has been to just ignore the increasingly loud scream from the backseat and just drive efficiently and it does yield the best results, but I just can't ignore the emotions anymore. I'm starting to realize I need to take care of my emotions even if this means getting form point A to point B slower. I just can't ignore them anymore. Can anyone relate?
  2. I feel the need to vent, this post may contain dark thoughts so be prepared. My worst fear is not death or wanting to die, but rather the grayzone in between. Living a life truly not worth living, yet not worth dying for either. Today my life is bearable, it's a light version of what I just described. I don't know what my future holds, I am not very optimistic about it so I try to live and commit myself to one day at a time. A lot of sick people usually keep a positive front, talking about all the positive things they still have or how they have even grown from it. I don't disbelieve the growth, but rather the attitude. I don't believe human beings have value, in fact I don't believe in much (not religion, afterlife, soul, meaning of life etc). I don't belive everyone can be happy. I believe some people lose at life for various reasons. It can be because of lack of effort or just dumb blind bad luck. I don't have cancer but I would never put up a front about how positive it was. I would rather stare into the abyss of meaninglessness and share the true darkness of the world with people who can't see it. I would rather stand in fire and burn to ashes than to life an unauthentic life - my worst fear is feeling that life has become incapable of being meaningful and worthwhile. Any random stranger would stop you from trying to **** yourself, not knowing anything about you. There is so much optimism in the realm of therapy and depression and I don't buy it. If someone wants to **** themself and you stopped them, how do you know they are better of alive? People and society do not like suicide because of the message it sends, but it's not about the victim it's about them wanting to preserve their good emotions and optimistic worldview. I believe the abyss is real and not everyone can be saved. I'm not suicidal or anything just so you know.
  3. I just got back from a vacation and what I've noticed is as soon as I enter my appartment it's like I feel worse. There is nothing wrong with my place it's just that this is usually where I am when I feel bad, so this has become like "the lair" where I dwell and feel bad. Does anyone else experience this or have thoughts how to counteract it?
  4. I've only made a few posts on here but every time you guys have been so supportive and encouraging. I've realized I'm not as strong as I thought. When things get too tough I want to quit. I want to give up, I can't handle things not working out like I want them to. You do. But I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I fail to be optimistic
  5. I have stopped trying to be optimistic, not really in favor of pessimism but like this: When I envision a happy future for myself, I get performance anxiety about all the things which would have to fo right, all the work I have to do and most of all; what could go wrong. Like an immune system reaction my mind starts to list all the reasons why I won't be able to make it. This makes trying to be optimistic more like a source of stress rather than a source of motivation. Is anyone else like this? How do you motivate yourself
  6. I am baffled by how people fail to see past the mask. I feel like I can easily spot other people with the mask because I know what to look for.
  7. Ok I'm starting feel better now than 1 hour ago when I made this thread. This is what I hate, I never realize I'm in a bad mood until it's too late. I guess that's the way it is for me, depressional dips through out the day. A lot on here probably have it worse but it still sucks. Usually I find my center as I wrote in previous post when listening to a song or something. Just zoning out.
  8. As you say, when you do the same thing over and over you stop getting results. Thats why you accept things, but I don't really think it's a choice. I can't choose to change how I feel, my feelings may change but it just happens. I don't know maybe I am wrong but I struggle to see the purpose in accepting things, it feels more right to suffer right now. I think it's more important to find some sense of being centered, hard to describe. I feel the best when I am honest with myself, even if it's extremley negative. It feels horrible to try and be positive and optimistic when I'm not. I am positive by taking action to fix my problems, not by sugar coating how I feel or "accepting" things.
  9. I'm not saying things won't get better, I know my perspective is tainted. What triggered me to write this was reading something about "learning to accept" and it just doesn't resonate with me. Things are what they are, no matter how you feel, accept what? You know what your reality is, you may not like it. What is there to accept?
  10. I can't wrap my mind around how situational depression can be treated. In my case it's a specific life situation being hard, but it's more like a mental drought than an overload of stress, even if the latter is very well present. There is nothing a therapist can say that can give me any excitement for life, for that is intrinsic. The only way I can be happy again is to fix my situation, and if I fail I don't see any reason the misery would stop
  11. I agree with how moods shift perception. What gets me now is that a bright filter has become the exception, the illusion. The dark filter is reality
  12. Maybe accept feeling bad is wrong way to put it, more like learning to sit with negative emotion. At least personally I have strong tendacies of escapism isntead of dealing with things
  13. I've quit coffee because while it gives me a mood boost it leaves me with a crash later on and it feels like taking out hapiness in advance, similarly to alcohol. You also become dependant fast and by then it really doesn't give that much of a boost. Sometimes I drink a cup of coffee if I need to get things done but I accept that I will feel worse when the effects wear off (1-2 cups a week usually). Alcohol, makes me feel so much better during intoxication of course but the dip is bad. If I get drunk on a night out, not only will I feel tired the next day but it will take several days to catch up on lost sleep etc. It also interfers with my positive habits, and as you may know with depression action usually preceeds motivation, so any motivation I have I want to keep. If I get my good habits going it may help me feel that I have got a hold of things but usually getting drunk means that it interfers greatly with my habits. Generally accepting feeling bad and minimizing self-medication and focusing on what will make me feel better tomorrow seems to work best for me. Which means avoiding mood-altering substance. Do you drink alcohol or coffee and how do you feel it affects you? Usually when I have a cup of coffee I can feel very inspired and motivated to do some stuff, but I never do because as the coffee high dies down so does the motivation. I was thinking about pursuing these things anyway but I'm not sure if it's just the coffee that is talking :/
  14. I have had problems for as long as I can remember, but they were never "problems" they were merely obstacles. For the first time in my life I find myself in a situation to which I can't think of any solution. I'm not lazy or inactive, I am just stuck. It's a horrible feeling, having the will to do anything necesarry but not seeing any way out. I suppose all of you feel like this; if there was a clear solution you wouldn't have this problem. It doesn't help to be a realist (or pessimist). It's absurd to fight through this without a goal in sight, but I guess I just hope things will get better somehow in some way I can not percieve now.
  15. Yeah I know the feeling all to well. I don't think it's "existential depression" though, more like situational. You know what the problem is, it just leaves you in a void of purposelessness; the existential void. I don't have a solution yet. All I know is I want to solve it
  16. I've been thinking about which music to listen to because I feel it affects my mood quite a bit. Some songs make me straight up want to die, because they remind me about all the things life could be but simultaneously smacks me in the face with my reality. I don't know if it's therapeutic or not to listen to songs like this. I had to change my alarm signal because I've had it for a while and since every morning waking up sucks it became like the theme song for depression for me. What is your opinion on this?
  17. So my problems are kind of situational. I've gotten pretty good in managing my actual mood with things such as exercise, sleep, distractions, socializing, studying etc. However while these things may help me keep a better mood it does nothing for my actual problems. It's symptomatic treatment. But a therapist can't solve my actual problems. Can you use a therapist as a sounding board for your philosophical attitude towards your life? I saw a therapist once this fall but to be honest it didn't really change anything apart from having a time for venting.
  18. I feel the "what's the point" feeling A LOT and have reached the conclusion that it is a FEELING. I can feel horrible and the "what's the point" feeling can be really strong, and then something happens or I do something not related to the meaning of living (like banter with a friend or exercise) and sometimes the "what's the point" feeling is simply removed (temporarily). In other words when you feel that life is meaningless that is in fact in itself an emotion, it's not really about the meaning of life.
  19. And after my last post I went out to exercise listening to my fav music, then I started feeling very strong emotions and started crying. After that I started to feel good and normal, felt that life was just fine and important. And first then did I realize how depressed I was feeling. It's like everytime I get depressed I feel rational and when I feel normal I feel high. It's so confusing, how can anything matter if I can just feel better like that sometimes? Nothing changed.
  20. I guess my depression is equal to the optimism I feel in the moment primarily about my voice troubles. Sometimes I'm sure my problems will never solve so my mind turns to suicide. Sometimes I think my problems will solve themselves and so my depression lifts until I either become pessimistic again or simply bored with life. It's not that I want to quit when things are hard, it's just that when the core purpose of my life is not working there is no point in "growing stronger" or "overcoming" anything. I just don't see how a therapist can help me when my depression is situational. I don't feel like I have a mental illness, I just feel like life actually sucks. Suicide seems like the only rational choice if things don't resolve. Why put up with bulls*** when you could be happier dead?
  21. It feels pretty bad to say that I'm only 20 but feel like I've already "figured out life". I feel like a cat chasing a red laser dot who has realized that the red dot is simply light and can not be caught. I kind of realized this after high school where my goal was to get good marks so I could get into law school. Now I'm in a great school, but I feel like I won the rat race; my future is secured, but what for? I do stuff, I go out, travel a bit, see friends, exercise 5 days a week, get laid once in a while and while some of these things give a fleeting sense of purpose I always return to this baseline sense of hopelessness. Like I am just wasting time. The closest thing to feeling like life has meaning I experience when listening to music I love. For this reason music is my passion and I am both a pianist and a singer. Thing is I have had issues with my vocal health for the past two years or so, and this is the cruelest thing because it prevents me from singing which I feel may be the one thing for which life truly seems worth living. I have doctors appointment lined up with a good voice specialist about this, perhaps the situation can be resolved or perhaps not, who knows. I just have this feeling that whatever I do just is worthless. Even when I achieve "great" things it doesn't matter. I feel like if I won a million dollars it wouldn't matter. I don't want much. I do stuff to escape from thoughts, not because I want to do them. I've realized there is no objective truth, no end goal, no right or wrong or anything to life. I feel like I've ruined life. I can't see myself in the future and whenever someone wants to talk about the future I just see black, like I'm going to die. I feel like I will be dead within the next five years like I will reach my breaking point. Not now, tomorrow or anytime soon, just some time. I think about it a lot though, but it too seems meaningless. As I mentioned earlier singing could be my redemption, if I could get my voice back. If not then I feel it could be the final nail in my coffin. With all this said, I'm not always in a depressed mood, I sometimes fall into odd depressed moods and wake up in the night with random anxiety but this is not most of the time. I still maintain a pretty wide range of emotions. Even when I feel good though I can't shake the angst, when I look at a beautiful view I see it through a lens of melancholy; as if the beautiful sunset is merely a fading memory of better times. Like reminiscing on a past relationship. I don't know what to do, I feel like therapy isn't doing anything. I've learned techniques for changing my physiology to get in a better mood, but that is not solving the problem, it is procrastination. Opinions?
  22. I feel like my coping abilities are failing me. I do everything I can, exercise, diet, sleep, calling relatives, distractions and for the past half year alcohol. I don't drink everyday but I feel like I have to every few days just to have a break from my life. It's just that I'm growing more and more weary and it feels like the road I'm walking is getting narrower. I feel more and more that my life is permanently over and I just can't handle it. It's just too much I don't know how to cope... Help
  23. Most of my struggles are "what if" scenarios and they are possible and even likely which is what frightens me. I already made a post about this but my fears turned reality would effectively **** my hapiness for good which is why it worries me so much. Sometimes tugging with my fears and feeling bad feels cathargic, even if it doesn't solve anything. I guess trying to be slightly optimistic without being obnoxious is the way to go. Being unrealisticly optimistic doesn't click with me as I see myself as a rational realist. And yeah it's hard to beat habits, these thoughts have such a strong magnetic pull.
  24. I've read a lot about how important it is to be positive and express grattitude for the things you have. I struggle with this. Choosing to ignore negative thoughts and trying to feel as good as possible feels like I'm cheating myself because I have real problems. I just don't get how I am supposed to relax and be positive when the things I care about the most are not working in my life? On the other hand if I don't think about my problems and somehow am focused on something else, of course I will feel better but only until I remember my problems again. This brings up negative thoughts and if I ruminate then things spiral down badly and I feel depressed, but at the same time my negative thoughts feel accurate and justified. In short, if I forget about the realities about my life, I feel better, if I think about the actual reality of my life I feel worse but trying to actively distract myself feels like I'm lying to myself. How do I deal with this?
  25. I've been trying for a few days to post something here but have not done so. I'm a bit tipsy now still so here it goes. First off I've tried to talk to my mother about this and whille she is supportive she doesn't really want to hear about my feelings. I have a bunch of problems in my life but right now I only want to talk about one. I'm a singer, and for the past year or more I've had health problems with my voice. Medical investigation is moving forward extremley slowly, and to be honest I'm loosing hope that the problem can be fixed (a belief which may or may not be accurate). And what I feel but haven't told anyone (not even my therapist) is that, if I can't have my voice back then I don't really want to live anymore. I've spent the past year, every day wanting my voice to return but instead I'm trapped in this meaningless existential vacuum. Every day I just wake up, annoyed that I have to drag on through another day, I don't feel there is a point to my life. I can feel so disconnected from life that it just seems like a bad dream. Like I'm an actor in a bad tv-show that won't end. My brother who is a bit older has a little son and when he playfully talks to him about how he should behave well towards me, because I'll support him in the future, I can't help but feel that I won't be around anymore then. Sometimes I can see myself dying and it seems easy, like it was just a movie, but I can also see my family at my own funeral and it can make me just as sad as I already feel. I just don't know what to do anymore. I have to keep going until my situation is resolved or at least a conclusion has been reached. But it's so easy to get a head of things. I listen to this song a lot, and I feel it captures my feelings well. I feel like my life is moving towards its end. So yeah, I just wanted to write how I feel. Doesn't have to mean anything, I don't know. But this is how I feel.
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