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TheDuke

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  1. I've come to the conclusion that I've been rationalizing away my emotions. I am naturally very rational and can easily see the flawed logic behind my emotions. I feel a lot of the time like my emotions are like a 3 year old baby screaming in the backseat of my car and I'm the adult driver. I know we need to get somewhere in time, and I know exactly the most strategic way to get there - but oh wait the baby in the backseat (my emotions) wants to stop for ice cream. My regular strategy has been to just ignore the increasingly loud scream from the backseat and just drive efficiently and it does yield the best results, but I just can't ignore the emotions anymore. I'm starting to realize I need to take care of my emotions even if this means getting form point A to point B slower. I just can't ignore them anymore. Can anyone relate?
  2. I feel the need to vent, this post may contain dark thoughts so be prepared. My worst fear is not death or wanting to die, but rather the grayzone in between. Living a life truly not worth living, yet not worth dying for either. Today my life is bearable, it's a light version of what I just described. I don't know what my future holds, I am not very optimistic about it so I try to live and commit myself to one day at a time. A lot of sick people usually keep a positive front, talking about all the positive things they still have or how they have even grown from it. I don't disbelieve the growth, but rather the attitude. I don't believe human beings have value, in fact I don't believe in much (not religion, afterlife, soul, meaning of life etc). I don't belive everyone can be happy. I believe some people lose at life for various reasons. It can be because of lack of effort or just dumb blind bad luck. I don't have cancer but I would never put up a front about how positive it was. I would rather stare into the abyss of meaninglessness and share the true darkness of the world with people who can't see it. I would rather stand in fire and burn to ashes than to life an unauthentic life - my worst fear is feeling that life has become incapable of being meaningful and worthwhile. Any random stranger would stop you from trying to **** yourself, not knowing anything about you. There is so much optimism in the realm of therapy and depression and I don't buy it. If someone wants to **** themself and you stopped them, how do you know they are better of alive? People and society do not like suicide because of the message it sends, but it's not about the victim it's about them wanting to preserve their good emotions and optimistic worldview. I believe the abyss is real and not everyone can be saved. I'm not suicidal or anything just so you know.
  3. I just got back from a vacation and what I've noticed is as soon as I enter my appartment it's like I feel worse. There is nothing wrong with my place it's just that this is usually where I am when I feel bad, so this has become like "the lair" where I dwell and feel bad. Does anyone else experience this or have thoughts how to counteract it?
  4. I've only made a few posts on here but every time you guys have been so supportive and encouraging. I've realized I'm not as strong as I thought. When things get too tough I want to quit. I want to give up, I can't handle things not working out like I want them to. You do. But I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I fail to be optimistic
  5. I have stopped trying to be optimistic, not really in favor of pessimism but like this: When I envision a happy future for myself, I get performance anxiety about all the things which would have to fo right, all the work I have to do and most of all; what could go wrong. Like an immune system reaction my mind starts to list all the reasons why I won't be able to make it. This makes trying to be optimistic more like a source of stress rather than a source of motivation. Is anyone else like this? How do you motivate yourself
  6. I am baffled by how people fail to see past the mask. I feel like I can easily spot other people with the mask because I know what to look for.
  7. Ok I'm starting feel better now than 1 hour ago when I made this thread. This is what I hate, I never realize I'm in a bad mood until it's too late. I guess that's the way it is for me, depressional dips through out the day. A lot on here probably have it worse but it still sucks. Usually I find my center as I wrote in previous post when listening to a song or something. Just zoning out.
  8. As you say, when you do the same thing over and over you stop getting results. Thats why you accept things, but I don't really think it's a choice. I can't choose to change how I feel, my feelings may change but it just happens. I don't know maybe I am wrong but I struggle to see the purpose in accepting things, it feels more right to suffer right now. I think it's more important to find some sense of being centered, hard to describe. I feel the best when I am honest with myself, even if it's extremley negative. It feels horrible to try and be positive and optimistic when I'm not. I am positive by taking action to fix my problems, not by sugar coating how I feel or "accepting" things.
  9. I'm not saying things won't get better, I know my perspective is tainted. What triggered me to write this was reading something about "learning to accept" and it just doesn't resonate with me. Things are what they are, no matter how you feel, accept what? You know what your reality is, you may not like it. What is there to accept?
  10. I can't wrap my mind around how situational depression can be treated. In my case it's a specific life situation being hard, but it's more like a mental drought than an overload of stress, even if the latter is very well present. There is nothing a therapist can say that can give me any excitement for life, for that is intrinsic. The only way I can be happy again is to fix my situation, and if I fail I don't see any reason the misery would stop
  11. I agree with how moods shift perception. What gets me now is that a bright filter has become the exception, the illusion. The dark filter is reality
  12. Maybe accept feeling bad is wrong way to put it, more like learning to sit with negative emotion. At least personally I have strong tendacies of escapism isntead of dealing with things
  13. I've quit coffee because while it gives me a mood boost it leaves me with a crash later on and it feels like taking out hapiness in advance, similarly to alcohol. You also become dependant fast and by then it really doesn't give that much of a boost. Sometimes I drink a cup of coffee if I need to get things done but I accept that I will feel worse when the effects wear off (1-2 cups a week usually). Alcohol, makes me feel so much better during intoxication of course but the dip is bad. If I get drunk on a night out, not only will I feel tired the next day but it will take several days to catch up on lost sleep etc. It also interfers with my positive habits, and as you may know with depression action usually preceeds motivation, so any motivation I have I want to keep. If I get my good habits going it may help me feel that I have got a hold of things but usually getting drunk means that it interfers greatly with my habits. Generally accepting feeling bad and minimizing self-medication and focusing on what will make me feel better tomorrow seems to work best for me. Which means avoiding mood-altering substance. Do you drink alcohol or coffee and how do you feel it affects you? Usually when I have a cup of coffee I can feel very inspired and motivated to do some stuff, but I never do because as the coffee high dies down so does the motivation. I was thinking about pursuing these things anyway but I'm not sure if it's just the coffee that is talking :/
  14. I have had problems for as long as I can remember, but they were never "problems" they were merely obstacles. For the first time in my life I find myself in a situation to which I can't think of any solution. I'm not lazy or inactive, I am just stuck. It's a horrible feeling, having the will to do anything necesarry but not seeing any way out. I suppose all of you feel like this; if there was a clear solution you wouldn't have this problem. It doesn't help to be a realist (or pessimist). It's absurd to fight through this without a goal in sight, but I guess I just hope things will get better somehow in some way I can not percieve now.
  15. Yeah I know the feeling all to well. I don't think it's "existential depression" though, more like situational. You know what the problem is, it just leaves you in a void of purposelessness; the existential void. I don't have a solution yet. All I know is I want to solve it
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