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drool

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  1. And by the way, I was right about crappy software. I tried to preview my post and got an error. Probably some dumb your programmer who just wants to go home instead of write quality...
  2. I think overall, I am a pretty successful person. I went to college, have had very good jobs, a great wife, made enough money. In the past, as I grew up and became who I am, I think I was pretty typical in the things that made me happy/sad/proud/etc. I want to put an emphasis on the word "proud" there. For whatever reason, I need to take pride in who I am, what I've accomplished, etc. It's in my core. Maybe from my mother, instilling that. I think it is a good thing, but sometimes I wonder. About 14 years ago, I quit the job I had at the time. I've worked in engineering for my whole life and I'm not the type to want or need to move up the ladder into management. I had tried that twice, and while successful, I was miserable. I needed to be hands on, see tangible results from my work, instead of fire fighting management issues all day. This makes for an engineer that has trouble in jobs where the management is doing things all wrong.. I knew/know too much and have no tolerance for doing things substandard for the wrong (political/financial) reasons where the product quality, personal satisfaction from the work, and work quality suffers. This is why I quit this particular job. Anyway, at the time, my wife and I were $30K shy of paying off opur dream house, that we had made significant enhancements to. We were dug in. But being out of work, and so emotionally fragile from career burnout, I strong armed my wife into agreeing to sell and relocate to something we could buy with cash until I could work things out. I bring all this up, because prior to me quitting, I believe our lives were at the peak of our sucessfulness/happiness. What followed, over the last 14 years, was 4 more moves, various attempts to go back to work by me - at varying degrees of success. I did some of the best work of my career in these assignments, but I also was a major pain in the balls to management. I quit multiple times when pushed to do things I knew were wrong, or unethical. I got rehired - just strengthing my resolve that I was correct and had the power. But behind the scenes, all this turmoil and stress takes its toll. I'm not a person that likes conflict. Now, 14 years later, I do spot contracting as my depression allows. Each job I hope that I can balance my ethics, my work knowledge and drive against my depression and growing rage against all things stupid/greedy/political. We're fortunate that we can afford this, and compared to most people we're in great financial shape. However, 14 years after our "peak" we own a smaller house, we have less capital, and my sense of pride in my home, my life and myself are at an all time low. I have periods of deep depression. I have thought through every posible avenue of suicide that exists. A fall is my go-to method. What keeps me here is my wife. She is the world. She is the best person I've ever know. She is beautiful inside and out. And I know she loves me. It would be so much easier if she didn't. I stay and live for her, and I hope every day I can find my pride again, my desire to live. But frankly, nothing holds interest for me anymore, and I lanquish about the lost ground. What we had, and that its my fault. We are missing about 10 years of a 6 figure salary. We could be retired early. We could still have our dream house. Yes, Ive tried both pchyciatrists and pchysologists. Sorry about the spelling ;) One, I believe my view of the world is accurate. The world does suck. We are all insignificant. Nothing has any lasting meaning. So drugs that fog that clarity, or a guy telling me to focus on the good sounds more like a bandaid to hide an ugly truth. The drugs I was perscribed all screwed up my sex life. Yeah, that helps. And really, I didn't feel any significant change otherwise. I have good days, even good weeks.... but the darkness always returns. And I have a fair degree of self-loathing, because I can't make myself do things anymore. I can't stick to a diet, I can't make myself take walks to feel better. Hell, some days I can't make myself bathe or get out of bed. Other days, I function and even can come off as normal.. I've worked 3-6 month contracts... I feel like a functional alcoholic when I do that, no I dont drink, but I mean I can come accross as highly functional and still be awful inside. Bottom line, I don't know what to do. Why else would I be typing this (into an editor, because if I typed it into your webpage, one wrong click would lose it all - crappy engineering rears its head) on your forums. Its a reach, but maybe someone else like me might have something to share. I think a great deal of people that try to help can't. You can't take advice from someone to different from yourself. People that are naturally happy can't understand. People that can put in 8 hours at work and ignore the quality, or what should have been done, and just do what they are told can't understand. For me, I need someone that understands putting passion into your work, your life, and then watching those that don't win.. those that could not care less on your effort... those that do it for a paycheck only, and not bacause they want to do a good job, make the world a little better..... I'm sick of people saying to me "its just a job", leave it at work. Those are the same people that don't think twice about throwing a ton of plastic into our oceans. Those are the people that marry for sex, not for love. Those are the people that use power for personal gain, not to better their surroundings. And what sucks... is I can't find the drive anymore to do what I am talking about. Nor can I join the masses and muck through life so I can eat/drink and be merry after work. That leaves me with giving up... And I can't even do that, because I would cause infinite pain to the one person in the world that means the most to me.... So I'm just stuck...........
  3. Hi everyone. I've been depresses for the better part of 5 years. I guess it was brought on by the realization that regardless of how much I put into work, most of my peers and management don't care about doing the right thing, so I can't make a real difference. This allowed me to see that none of us make any lasting difference. It makes everything seem so pointless. My deep love for my wife makes me want to be happy for her sake. However, I find everything hard to do now. Basic life maintenance seems like so much work. I still feel joy, pain, etc for others, but could not care less about myself. Is is so hard to motivate myself to get out of bed, or do anything productive. I've been on meds, but all of them that I've tried led to sexual dysfunction. That just leads to more unhappiness and lack of intimacy. If I could end it all easily, I would. However I can't stand the thought of doing that to my wife. What can I do to snap out of it? What's the point anyway? To be happy again with doing pointless things?
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