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Everything posted by muffinman123

  1. Feel free to delete my profile as I don't really see a reason to even bother with this anymore and already changed my linked emails security questions and passwords to random numbers/letters. ...Done with society as a whole but will continue to live on as an empty shell until I die...
  2. No friends here either but I'm used to it. Most friendships are a lie anyways from my experience. The world is dead to me so I am dead to it as well, I posted a thread earlier but it's worthless to reach out when your already a lost cause (in my case) so I'm done with forums. I would be sincere and hope that you find happiness but sincerity is an alien aspect to me, anyways... I'm off to continue on my downward spiral until I reach some for of conclusion be it in a minute or 40+ years in the future, I wasn't meant for modern society so I don't expect to fit in it as I'm more of a martyr type anyways without the drive to even succeed in that. Good luck I guess, it was nice knowing you forum but I'm sick of reaching out pointlessly to people I will never truly know.
  3. I just find it so hard to care at this point, my life is in a form of limbo and I have no willpower to do anything about it nor the funds to solve the "problems" I have. I am more than aware that I could get a loan for college but I have no interests so that would be moot point. I'm basically living for the sake of living and I'm a total facade of a human at best. I act so convincing at my job and everyone finds me to be a nice person but inside I'm no different than an ice block. I've vented myself to others, including counselors but to no avail as reassuring words are nothing more than decent icing on a bland, tasteless cake that is my life. It never get's better, I've been told that life improves over time and that I would grow out of my hopelessness but seeing as I'm nearing 30 I doubt that's the case. They just said that to give me a false hope that would egg me on for a few years and make me even more dead inside once such a realization came to pass eventually once I had found such "friendly advice" to be a lie. None of the people in my past even contact me anymore unless I egg them on and even then it's nothing substantial. I am the worst case of hopelessness I have ever met in my life. I've been reading through other posts and I can't help but feel a bit alienated from most on here. I am such an empty human from an emotional standpoint that it actually scares me. Wait, scratch that I am not quite empty as I do feel emptiness itself which is an emotion of it's own by definition so there is something. Looking back at the last 7+ years if not longer there isn't a single standout experience I've had that has emotionally moved me, I am being completely honest. Everything has literally been monotone unless my memory escapes me. I remember enjoying Christmas as a child as well as my birthdays but what child didn't? I never had any form of trauma to speak of, I guess one day I just stopped caring? This post has helped me with self-realization I guess which is something but it's honestly baffling that I can't find a single positive or negative thing to speak of.
  4. Same here but partially out of choice as every friendship I've ever bothered to have never lasts unless I go out of my way in excess to keep it going and by that point it feels forced so I tend to side-step the issue altogether, on an opposite note though I am considered to be a fun person to be around due to being totally uncaring of societal norms due to my severe (undiagnosed) depression.
  5. Life is about money sadly, I hate admitting it but it's true.
  6. I'm 24 going on 25 in a few weeks and feel as bad if not worse than I did in my late teens. Let me give you a quick summary of my life. I was raised in a lower middle-class family I'm average looking and of average weight I've never had a girlfriend but have had sex once I was kicked out of High School due to drug-related problems but got my GED soon after I've never had a job that paid over minimum wage I've held 6 jobs total with none lasting over a year I was diagnosed with Asperger's 3 years ago (unsure of whether or not that's true though) I have a moderate IQ I am a fairly good talker but deep down hate every human including myself I have no interests or passions Now that I have that out of the way let's move on shall we? I am old enough to have "grown out" of depression according to my parents but I've been in a rut for as long as I can remember, at least since my early teens which is excessively long so I am beginning to question if it's just the way I am. I have attempted suicide a few times due to OTC medications in the past but nothing worked and I just ended up feeling like crap when I woke up the next day or two after. As for my life it's your average lowlife scenario as I'm 24 and work at a small department store 30 hours a week for minimum wage and no benefits but the only way I've been able to cope with it is with large quantities of alcohol on a near daily basis as I know my future is going to be bleak as I lack any form of passion whatsoever, I am literally a shell of a human and have no interests at all. I work, go home and drink, then sleep. That is literally it. I've tried exercising as well as sports but found them stupid and pointless on the dozen or so attempts that I've tried them and even reading a good book doesn't hold my interest for long nor does a movie. Even philosophy is moot point as I just end up coming to the common (for me) realization that everything is pointless anyways so I rarely bother with it. I literally am living out of habit or whatever else you could call it. I just don't give a single crap about life at all and that realization troubles me as I know I'm being truthful about it and human nature deems that as odd. Then again I don't care what society thinks or I wouldn't be a hardcore alcoholic. I honestly hope that my liver fails in the near future as then I won't have to worry about saving for a nonexistent retirement, finding a mate, and worrying about fostering yet another worthless friendship as I will be free at that point. Maybe then I could take a one-way trip to Thailand or something with the small amount of cash I have in my bank account and from selling my possessions and finally attempt to enjoy my life for a month or two before passing away in a foreign country with no form of identification so my family wouldn't freak out over it and eventually forget or grow content with my absence. Then again I wouldn't really care anyways as I'd be dead by that point after finally being free for the only time in my life without the shackles of society forcing me into paid slavery for 40+ years. I get it, I screwed up by not learning a trade nor attending college but that's fine as I have no desire other than to experience true freedom that only either vagrancy or death can provide and I'm too weak to deal with either on a direct route so I spend my life taking the easy path by drinking until my own body chooses death for me in which I will finally be able to live if only for a short while. I know that I must sound crazy but I've dwelt on this for years and that's as much as I could come up with, is there anything I am missing? I guess that's the reason I asked this question in the first place. I've basically grown accustomed to my fate but am asking this out of sheer curiosity as I know there isn't much that can be done at this point as I have no particular talents to speak of which places my fate in with the lower rung of society of which I am not content with being a part of which is what led me to my alcoholism which will then lead to my inevitable early demise, that is right correct?
  7. You can't draw blood from a stone. The health care system is a scam, don't bother paying it as I've never payed my bills from being institutionalized and nothing came of it and it's been 6 years since.
  8. To add to this post I'd like to state that I would be homeless if not for my parents which are the only thing keeping me afloat, albeit barely. Still, they aren't going to be around forever so I need to figure something out. I need to procreate someday too as my dad is getting near his 60's and wants a grandchild more than anything yet the last time I went on a date the girl commented on my hair after I took off my stocking cap and said my hair loss ruined my looks, this isn't the first time this has happened and I'd like to think I'm a nice enough guy to compensate for it but from my experience that isn't enough. There is more to a person than a body, I don't understand why people are too superficial to understand that.
  9. I will be 100% honest and let it all out and I'd like to know what I could do to fix this, thanks... I figured I may as well do an abridged autobiography for the most concise help. First of all I'm 24, average looking, average weight, average upbringing. Let's start at the beginning. I was raised in a lower middle-class home in Kansas to a mechanic and an ex-nurse, my parent's got married at the age of 27 and 25 respectively and have been together ever since with a few fights but nothing major. I have one younger brother (by 2 years) who lives a state away and we keep occasional contact although have nothing in common. I was never neglected or abused to my knowledge and had a normal life until my school years. Now let's move on, I was always a bit of a class clown in grade school and liked to play pranks on others. I even dumped a bunch of tacks on my teachers chair once which got me quite the lecture. As a kid I was always the life of the party and could make anyone smile. Once while attending a funeral I yelled "Is the wedding over yet!?" and the entire church busted out laughing for instance. Now to middle school, I never was a fan of the transition from grade to middle school primarily because the friendships I had fostered over the years were thrown out and I was forced to make new friends. And gone were the days of trading Pokemon cards at recess and playing board games on a rainy day. I dealt with it but my experience from Middle school made me a bit wary of even bothering with making friends yet I still kept a few from grade school that I shared classes with. High school... I did my first 2 years of High school and did okay academically but socially I was a mess until the end of my Sophomore year when I started to catch my stride and even got a girlfriend, overall things were steady Then BAM! My dad loses his job and were forced to relocate to Colorado, I was only given 4 days before the move so I said my goodbyes to everyone and moved on. In the new state I had a hard time meeting new people because I was 2 years late to the party and I ended up meeting a kid named "Red" and now things get heavy. He was a real troublemaker, not a class clown. I was a stupid teenager and sort of followed him because I respected his rebelliousness and I was stealing OTC drugs from stores and drinking alcohol at school before I knew it. I was taking enough painkillers to get high that I easily could have killed myself but I didn't care because I knew I'd die anyways someday and there was no reason to live in fear. I ended up dating another girl who was trying to straighten me out around this time but that didn;t last long as she moved away eventually but we were rather close. I did this for a year until I ended up having a seizure in class (due to medication) and was expelled due to this. Regardless within 1 week I had a GED and a drivers license, I got them both within 2 days. This was the first occurrence that made me realize there were no second chances in life. I ended up getting a full time job at Taco Bell and did that for a year and a half until I got arrested for smoking pan and driving. I only had taken 2 hits at a friends house after work but was stopped for a rear light not fully functioning as I was driving in the early evening and the cop smelled it on my breath and WHAM! 2 court dates and $5000+ in fines/lawyer fees later I manage to keep my license but spent all the money I had saved from my job to go to a trade school basically derailing my life. I would have saved more but I had to pay rent to my parents along with my share of the utilities. From then on it only gets worse. I get hired at City Market knowing fully well that I would be doing that for the rest of my life and dealt with it (with the help of alcohol on my days off) but did well at my job and was given a few raises which lessened the blow of my menial labor job. I did this for 2 years and then I get a phone call from my dad telling me that they were moving to Florida so my mom could get on the transplant list there (she had a failing Kidney and Pancreas due to diabetes complications) so out of respect for my parents and against my better judgement I decided against finding a roommate and go with them to help my mom at bedside (she was in terrible condition at the time) while my dad was at work, horrible, horrible decision for me but I had to do it. I get there and there is not one job to be found, there were no Kroger stores either so I couldn't transfer and I was basically out of a job for 2 years and to add insult to injury while swimming at the beach my dad who had a full head of hair at 52 pointed out that I was balding. The first thing I did when I got back was look in the mirror and yep he was right, I was surprised I hadn't noticed it until then, 21 and balding. Eventually my mom got her transplants and we moved back to Colorado and I got a Job at the local Goodwill, fired within 4 months due to insubordination and not getting enough done which made no sense as I was previously doing a tougher job and getting plenty of raises and bonuses, I think it had to do with the managers friend needing a job and I was just in the way. Then a month later my Grandfather dies and my family inherits his farm house in Kansas, my dad offers to let me live with them for free rent and only pay a 3rd of the utilities (we had become a close family over the years) and I agreed as that was very cheap. I absolutely hated the rural life and preferred living in a medium sized town or small city but I dealt with it and eventually got a job at the local Kroger store. Around the 2nd month I lived there I was invite to a large party/raffle in the nearest small town and I end up going, I come to find out half the people there are drinking so I grab a alcohol and try to meet new people. Some guy commented that I look gay (probably because I dressed in a hoodie and sneakers instead of a button-up and cowboy boots) so I just politely smiled and said nah, I'm not into guys but his friend joined in and commented that he thinks the both of us would make a good couple so I just decided to move on and sit by my lonesome. 30 minutes later I find out that one of the guys wants to jump me to prove hes tough so I defend myself not knowing that the guy was the most popular person in town and that half the guys there would surround me within minutes. So basically I get told to get out or they'd curb stomp me and I'm totally surrounded so I'm backing up and they won't let me and before I knew it I get socked in the face from the side and another guy kicks me before some girls break up the "fight" and then the girls tell ME to leave or she'd call the cops and that they didn't like people like me around there. I never went to a local social event again. I outperformed everyone in the store due to hard work and the manager kept asking me if I would be willing to transfer to a larger store an hour away but I told him I was content with where I was because I didn't have many bills and it was plenty to get by. I proceeded to literally one-man army all of the grocery work in the store and the boss constantly praised me. But then sh*t hit the fan. I purchased a handgun for self defense after I got the job as I lived on a farm and it helped me feel safe in case there was a robbery so I got a CCW permit and kept it in my vehicle, one day me and a coworker were just doing some small talk and she asked if I had any guns and I was like "Yeah, I keep one in my truck for personal defense." So she asked if she could see it and so she looked at at while it was unloaded and that was it. The next day I get called into the office and my boss along with 2 cops are waiting for me to clock in and escort me to the office, I tell them the honest truth and they claim that their informant told them I was planning to shoot up the store basically and I lose my job and get a restraining order. Two months later I come to find out that she got my job but lost hers shortly after due to under-performing. So the snitch/liar/harcore catholic basically stabbed a hole in the ship and took me down with her. Now I come to find that small towns are really hard to get a job at once you've lost one because EVERYONE in the town thinks I'm Adam Lanza and refuses to hire me, I've put an application at every single business that I'm aware of in the area and have been denied on every single one, sometimes within 24 hours but always by phone call or email, never to my face. I even call them back telling them the truth and they call me a liability. Soooo........ the nearest place to work is literally an hour+ away and I have not even $1 to my name and I feel like everyone is out for my blood. That pretty much sums it up, I don't know if this is the correct forum to post this as I'm not even sure if I'm depressed but I think everyone is depressed to some extent as it's just the way humans are unless your Smilin' Bob from the Enzyte commercials. Oh and one more thing, I have my hair at a medium length and it looks like the bubonic plague due to BS hair loss at 24, I have a widows peak and thinning at the crown, I would shave it all off but I have really big ears so this obviously would wreck my self esteem even more. I'm currently wearing a stocking cap daily but as the days get warmer this won't be socially acceptable and I'll be forced to wear a ball cap which I hate. What the hell can I do... I am a jobless, broke, hated, balding 24yr old that lives an hour from civilization, I really would like to get a decent career but the ambition just isn't there. I know I'm not an ***** on an academic level as I'm at least able to spell unlike the majority of my generation. Speaking of that, my cousin is a nurse and is making over $15 an hour yet she is about as intelligent as a brick (no offense meant) yet I've never made over $9.25/hr. Ohhh...... this world is sooo cruel.... I wish I just lived in Russia. P.S. I've been completely sober for 5 months, not because I wanted to be but because I have no money and live off of food stamps. Trust me, if I had a shot of alcohol in front of me right now it would be gone in roughly a second.
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