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Everything posted by TiffanyC

  1. I knew I would have a hard time this month. In a way I wonder if I even talked myself into in with the power of suggestion. I've always dreaded and hated January, February and March. The coldness and dreariness of it all. Monday was the first day my kids went back to school after a 2 week break, and after I got them off to school, it was only 7 am and barely light out, and so frigid...and I was sad that they were back in school after getting to spend a nice stretch of time with them all around....so I just got back in bed and stayed there pretty much all morning. I managed to get up around lunchtime and still got a good bit accomplished with regards to housework and errands. I even exercised. I told myself I wasn't going to get back in bed this morning and that I would have a really productive day, the house really needs a good cleaning and I have paperwork and bills to pay and a long, long, to do list....of things I can't seem to get motivated to do. But....I got back in bed again today and it was pretty much a repeat of yesterday...got some things done so I don't feel entirely lazy and useless. I just have little energy and I feel down. Not depressed like I was this time last year. Thank you Lord. I feel like a flower that wilts in the winter from lack of sunlight, and thrives in the summer sunshine. Well, for the next 3 days I have to go to work in the morning so I will not be able to get back in bed, and apparently that is a good thing, because when left to my own devices, I can't get motivated. And being at work is a distraction, focusing on other people and their problems and trying to get all of my work finished in a competent and timely manner. I work every Wednesday, Thursday and Friday this month. Anyone else have problems coping with winter blahs? What do you do to help yourself make it through these cold dark months?
  2. That's great news that you had 3 depression free months. Don't be so hard on yourself, you are not a moron or self-destructive. You're just going through a hard time. Maybe instead of using the stimulant/benzo combination you could try a more traditional antidepressant? Have you ever been on one that worked for you? Best wishes for your depression bout to end soon :)
  3. I managed to exercise for the second day this week :) Shoveled snow Picked up groceries Showered Changed sheets on my bed Cooked dinner for tonight and prepared a casserole and a crock pan meal for the next two days, and I'm super thrilled with myself for planning that out. I don't usually plan meals in advance and then I scramble to throw something together after getting home from work.
  4. Hi Milege :) Sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. It sounds like you probably could benefit from the antidepressant right now. Don't worry about what the long term side effects might be. Just focus on today, which is all you have, and how you can get yourself feeling better right now. You may only need to take it for 6 months to a year to get back to feeling ok again. Or, you may need it longer. You don't know that. No one knows. But what you do know is that today, this day, you are not doing well, and there is a medication that very well may be able to help you get your quality of life back again. As for the cost...I don't know about you, but my insurance does not cover the cost of a psychiatrist....that got to be very prohibitively expensive for me to pay out of pocket for that, at $100 a visit, so now I just go to my family doctor and pay a $10 copay. I would prefer to see my psychiatrist but I have found that the family doctor has been knowledgeable and helpful and you can't beat the cost. Hope that helps. Oh, and don't be afraid of what your doc thinks of you. Just tell him the truth. Trust me, he has seen it all and will not be surprised that you haven't been compliant. People are noncompliant with their meds all the time...it's not good, but it happens allllllll the time.....I know this because I am a home health nurse and I am always after people to take their meds as prescribed :)
  5. I vote for increasing to 20 mg :) That is what I take and it has been working for me for 9 months now. I know that is a common dose. It's better to at least try moving up to 20, and if that doesn't work, you could always switch to another med.
  6. I don't really have any advice, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. I have been seeing my therapist once a week for 4 years. I am often confused about what I feel for him. I often feel guilt as well, because I am married. Happily, I should add. I have never once desired another man or even looked at another man with longing, and I mean that. But it is different with my therapist. He is almost 20 years older than I am, which makes me think I have a "fatherly" type love for him, but, it is different from how I love my dad. It's not platonic, I guess you could say. Because I feel a romantic love for him too. At least I think I do, but he says I don't. We have discussed this several times, which he says is a good thing. He calls it transference and all, and yes I believe him...but it is still hard to wrap my mind around. I consider my relationship with him to be the most intimate of any other that I have ever had, besides the one with my husband. My therapist is the only other person who knows everything about me. My deepest, darkest secrets. My failures and triumphs. My fears. My goals. My failings. He has seen me at my very, very worst and lowest points, where all I could do was sit and cry and beg him to help me get better. It's a relationship like no other. I don't meet with any other person in my life on a weekly basis and bare myself down to my very soul. He is better than a best friend, and I like him as a person. I know a lot about him, due to the inevitable self disclosure that occurs after 4 years of therapy. I know he is a loving father and a loving husband. There is absolutely no way that either one of us would allow this relationship to be anything other than strictly professional. But it is still confusing all the same. That's why I have no advice....just want to tell you I know how you feel.
  7. Went to the grocery store Gassed up the car Went to the library and checked out two books that look good Got coffee Cooked a healthy dinner of roasted chicken, carrots and potatoes Did umpteen loads of laundry Packed away some more Christmas decorations
  8. Absolutely NOT! Pets are a WONDERFUL way to fill a void of loneliness! I have both a dog and a cat. Cats make terrific pets. They are low maintenance, which is good because when you are depressed and anxious, a high maintenance dog can exacerbate things (haha, ask me how I know :) ) But my cat....oh how I love that guy. He is loving and nonjudgemental and requires so very little of me for what I get in exchange from him.
  9. Exercise helps me a lot. I don't find that changing my diet helps. If anything, I feel better when I eat the comfort foods that are not technically good for me. But exercise....I know I feel better when I do it regularly. Just the feeling of having accomplished something is helpful, let alone the actual physical and mental benefits.
  10. Hi Bluetree, Yes, I feel this way too. I'm so glad the mad holiday shopping rush is over. I had to go out today and it really wasn't so bad. I picked up a few groceries, got gas and went to the library. Going to the library was my treat for doing my other errands. Sometimes I have to trick myself to get myself out of the house. So I tell myself if I do a few errands I can then get coffee or go to the library. A little weird, but it works for me. I need to do this more in the winter because I dread leaving my house in the cold. The other thing I do is try to get errands done on days that I work. Since I must leave the house to go to work, I am already out which makes it easier to run into stores when I pass them on the way home, rather than having to muster up the gumption to leave the house when I have nowhere to really be. It must be especially hard when you know you will run into people like exes and others that you don't wish to see. Do you live in a really small town? I live in a large town...not a city, but I don't usually see people I know when I go shopping. I would hate that.
  11. Hi Rachel, I'm glad you came here to find some solace and share with people who know how you feel :) A warm welcome to you.
  12. If you are wondering if it is ok, that sounds to me you are being convicted that maybe that isn't the right thing to do. A little modesty never hurt anyone :)
  13. Hi zenzang, Try not to be so hard on yourself. What you are experiencing is very normal. I know many, many people who graduated from college and then moved back home with their parents until they could get on their feet and develop wings to fly. I myself did this. So did my husband. And we are now in our 40s and have jobs that would be considered successful by most standards, and we are raising three teenagers. You will be doing the same thing one day :) A word on job interviews. It is so utterly NORMAL to feel nervous and incompetent and frightened when you have to interview for a job. EVERYONE feels like that. Just accept that you are going to feel that way and move forward. And you may bomb your first few interviews until you get the feel for it. But eventually you will get hired if you keep trying. It takes time. Give yourself permission to mess up, and then pick yourself up and keep trying. You can do this!!!
  14. I hear you. I think those kind of people annoy everyone, but most people, i.e. people who aren't depressed, can just ignore them or forget about them, whereas when you are depressed and/or anxious, those irritating people become far more difficult to take. Also, for me at least, even when I'm not depressed or anxious, I have a low tolerance for obnoxious, narcissistic people. I know I shouldn't let them bother me, but I can't help myself.
  15. Worked Finished Christmas shopping, YES!!! Wrapped presents Went to Starbucks and had a gingerbread latte :)
  16. I did gain weight, but it's more due to being able to eat again now that I'm not depressed anymore. I gained back most of the weight that I lost during the year I was depressed.
  17. Mileage, your psychiatrist sounds like a terrible human being. I would not tolerate him for another second. Make an appointment to see the other psychiatrist that your insurance will cover. He or she HAS to be better than your current pdoc. Sorry you are feeling so alone. Please come here and chat when you need a friend :)
  18. I voted for SSRIs but I think that benzos are good for when you are waiting for an SSRI to start working or to take on an as needed basis. Since my SSRI started working I haven't had any anxiety. So thankful for this :) I never realized how effective SSRIs were for anxiety, I always thought they were just for depression. Thank God for these meds that help us.
  19. Exercise helps me when I am super anxious. It sounds weird, but when I exercise really hard and get my heart pumping and beating fast, it masks that racing heart, fluttery heart feeling that I get from anxiety. And it does overall help to relax you as well as help you to sleep better. Sorry no real scientific reasons for that, just my personal experience. Hope you feel better soon, and good luck with your appointments.
  20. I am happy to announce that I am officially benzodiazepine free!! It has been a long road to reach this point. It took two years to wean down from 6 mg of Lorazepam daily to nothing. This last dose cut, when I stopped altogether, has been hard. I am not as anxious as I have been at other times, and definitely not at the point of a panic attack or anything, but I am very, very, very stressed. I have had a few episodes of chest tightness and pain over the last few days. It doesn't help that I'm stressed about the holidays. I hope this feeling goes away.
  21. I tell myself "It doesn't have to be perfect, just good enough." That's my mantra while cleaning. If I don't constantly remind myself of that I can easily get stuck on one task for a long time, trying to make it perfect and then I don't get anything else done. Glad you got a lot cleaned!!
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