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teafreak

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About teafreak

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  1. I can't stick to anything. Whatever I try to change, I end up rebelling against. I have no self discipline at all. I'm gung ho on things for like a week and then fail at everything. I can't remember anytime in my life that I was sorted and functional. My fails are 100% and that is the only thing I am consistent with. My life is one disappointment after another. Can't blame anyone but myself. No goal is ever realized, tiny steps are attempted and occasionally actualized but then i take leaps backwards never getting anywhere.
  2. This past year has been struggly... I hadnt had to have medicine for 20 years but gave in and asked my Dr for a prescription because my panic attacks had returned and I was suffering. In Feb I lost my job I had for almost 13 years and have just jumped into the downward spiral. I've barely left my house, havent looked for work really, and only have bathed when I was going to visit my folks or when I felt severe skin irritation caused by not bathing. The other day my AC stopped working and it's like 95 degrees so I HAD to take a shower because I was going to stay with my parents til it got fixed. I was about as low as that spiral goes. While I was at my folks being in the home I grew up in, I felt a little better. Like Scarlett returning to Tara or something. I didnt want to let them know just how bad I am right now, but I did tell them I felt like I was always disappointing them. Every time I talked to my Dad on the phone he'd ask if I'd done this or that (look for work or some house task) and I'd have to say no and each time it made me feel awful. My Mom told me they dont think of me as a disappointment, and hearing that I think I felt better. Part of me wishes I'd never have to work again. I used to get assistance like social security for my mental issues. I used to be so proud that I got off of it and found "gainful employment" and took care of myself well financially. But now there is no job, no social interaction, no income and worries because bills keep arriving. I KNOW in this day and age it takes years to get on that social security/disability thing and that I should do things like look for work, take showers, mow my grass, eat something besides crackers and cereal. I should stop playing video games for 16 hours a day, and sleeping for about that same amount of time. Anyways I know I'm rambly, sorry, It took me 3 days to fill out one job application at my parents house. I do have that as progress. Half of me hopes I'll get the job but half hopes I wont get it, so I can continue to stay home, immersed in my game and not have to take showers and get out of my pjs. I read over my resume and cover letter and shake my head at all the bullsh!t I have written on it trying to make myself appear functional or competent. I'm considering going back to the Dr and getting referred to a psych doc. There is insurance issue tho, as losing my job lost my insurance and have had to do "obamacare" and I have to jump through hoops to get that started up again. I still have some xanax because i did not take as directed, but instead saved some back while i had the insurance, which helps somewhat. I'm back home now and the AC is on, but I'm struggling with absolutely everything, admitting i have NO self discipline and should bathe and sleep but I'm not. I came back to this old thread and read the whole thing again to hopefully inspire me to soap and water.
  3. I'm all for soft fuzzy blankies and even snuggling with teddybears. unusual i suppose for someone of my age, but yeah. chocolate therapy also helps but unfortunately has side effects of weight gain. mindnumbing netflix binging, but also totally immersing myself in an interesting hobby like a craft helps. Really I know what I'm doing is hiding..... I guess. I am happy that you are doing better.
  4. It's been a long while since I've checked in here. Over the winter I maintained for the most part showering every other day, but on a few occasions it was 3 and even 4 days. I really tend to overcomplicate things and during the winter months had experimented with doing laundry in 5 gallon buckets in my tub. So I had to slip in a shower between loads or move the heavy buckets out temporarily. Also had to work around when the furnace blew, as it is right next to the tub and blows in what feels like cold air which is awful. But I've stopped the tub laundry this week, moving it to the basement where it can free up the tub for its intended purpose. I want to get back to the small daily bathing and the every other day full showers. I feel so much better when I can manage to follow that. Describing the over complication a bit more, I have separate soaps for different body regions. Shampoo, facial soap, general everywhere smell-good soap of which I like to have a variety, for private area dye and perfume free castile, and then a peppermint foot scrub. I can't bear to think of using 1 soap for everywhere. I think back to my childhood home days where the whole family used 1 bar and think how did I get by with that? I do work with people and if I am unable to bathe more than 1 day I do need a bit of a mini washing session which covers basic areas. I have found tho, that washing like that takes as much time and as much or even more effort than just having a quick 5 min. shower. I think it's fine if we are ok with or even like our own smell and I'm fine at home where I am alone, but there are some things to consider. One gets used to a smell after a while, and cannot smell it themselves however others can. Like think catbox. Cat owners noses have immunity to it, but outsiders come over and they can smell it. What I have as far as natural personal fragrances really is not "my own smell" but mine and other organisms who are with me inside and out, creating waste and chemicals combining with foods and drinks we take in. Were actually kind of a scent factory if you think about it. I work in semi-close contact with others who do not always have the best hygiene and I tend to keep some essential oils, perfumes and candles in my office and handy. I dont want to insult the person by whippin out a can of Glade while they are in there, so I'll pull out a small bottle of oil and rub some on my hands or light a candle. Usually that is enough, but if not I have been known to apply some vicks under my nose discreetly in really bad situations. Sometimes it REALLY grosses me out as I know that the reason I can smell things is that particles enter my nose. Like whatever the smell is I am ingesting it. There are times I wish I could don a mask and infuse some thieves or lavender oils in it. Some of my idiosyncrasies can be a barrier. I could probably be labeled OCD. Happy Spring!
  5. My heart goes out to you peacepilgrim. I'm sorry you had a scary shower. Is there any way insurance or state aid can get you a home helper? or is there an agency that can modify your shower for you to make it a safer one?
  6. I'm glad to hear from you. I think about you daily. but peace pilgrim please dont ever try to break that record. you deserve better care. here is what i have been doing lately: I stopped using deoderant. When I begin to smell unpleasant I know that it is time to take a shower. That has been working for me.
  7. Hi PeacePilgrim Hi peace. I have that type of shower and although I cannot assist with your install, I'll tell you that although you can switch back and forth with that lever you can leave it always on one or the other, at least on my kind. I always leave mine on the handheld one. Do you have some friends where you can ask around if they know of anyone who could install that for you?
  8. It's wonderful what you are doing! I have worked at a people shelter for 11 years. It really is a rewarding field. Have you tried volunteering in a people shelter? I know ours is very appreciative of extra help. Grants are so tight now we really can't afford to hire and when people from our community spend their time volunteering doing things like laundry, sorting donations and clerical tasks we are truly grateful.
  9. I've been pretty good about showering every other day lately. Maybe because its warm and maybe because i just feel SO good after I get out and am all clean. Any longer than 2 days and I start having some problems.
  10. Last night I mowed most of my yard. It's a start
  11. rebel girl i think most people who are on this thread or read it can relate. thanks for sharing. don't feel judged. everyone is or has been in the same boat at some point.
  12. ok so unfortunately I have caused much backsliding. several personal and family issues arose and I was unable to keep up the pace with everything, or even be here much to pace at all. Some family illness took precedence to all. I spent a lot of time cleaning and caring for others, which I was happy to do but my own mess just sat and got worse. my yard got so bad the city sent me a citation warning. I wasnt even staying here for about a month. i am again now, but i just feel so exhausted and overwhelmed and disappointed. my vacation has been postponed (again) (actually denied) due to me being behind at work. my job work has doubled, or almost tripled trying to catch up. Since I missed so much work dealing with family issues, I'm behind there and stay wayyyyyyyyy overtime to catch up. Last week I worked 63 hours and I'm still not caught up. Missing work today is out of the question. I feel guilty for not spending time with my family who need me now I am working so much. It's been 4 days since I've seen them. my kitchen is stinky from some unknown source, most all dishes are dirty, my pantry is in complete chaos my bed is awaiting linen, my floors are packed with stuff as is my couch. fridge is full of food i need to pitch all the boxes i had packed for a yard sale still sit and i'm considering just calling a charity to come get it all instead of having to price everything, set it up and sit there all day hoping someone will come and want to buy all this crap. I had to wear a halloween shirt saturday since no clean laundry. I'm still wearing it but i do have cleanstuff in the dryer now at least. basically my whole house went back to being icky. I'm less than motivated to go to work today and have thought about calling in sick just to freakin rest and clean some and maybe mow again as it is gettin up there again and cant afford freakin 400 fine and fee from the city while i was staying at my family's home they had tv and i watched several episodes of hoarders. i can so relate. my place isnt that bad but i can understand their feelings i imagine. I've spent the past hour thinking gee i need to go mow, but can i get it done, then shower and make it to work ontime? now its too late to do that which makes me feel relief in one hand and self loathing on the other. My job is helping people which is stressful and draining. I want to help family more. I feel I can't even help my self right now. I havent had just one whole day actually to maintain my own life for months. When I do have some time I am so worn out that all I feel like doing is sitting on my recliner and consuming media. I need to get back to doing some small things every day. I have a new vacation goal of 1 month and 4 days from now which is (should be) plenty of time to get everything in order so I can actually enjoy my clean home. I have really not much experience with that but I imagine it's wonderful
  13. thanks for checkin in peace pilgrim. i have thought of you many times over these months!
  14. I also experience this Shinghan. The way it affects me is that I will start something, ie beads, sewing, gardening, reading, crochet, biking, other excersizes, piano, painting, poems..............and since I enjoy it so much, I tend to focus most of my energy onto that one thing.... and it's like i get so obsessed with it, its all I think about and want to do and other things fall away. And then! I get burnt out on the obsession thing and just. can't. get. back. into it. So I pack it up for like a while.... a year or more? I wish I could learn to mete out the fun and keep it going. I used to get really down about this, but now I just flow with it and move from thing to thing. I guess that is how I am. I also wonder what the affects are to the radiation one gets from tv and video games. I feel I'm addicted to it.
  15. StarryKitten can you apply for foodstamps? I think some states even allow you to apply online.
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