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learningtolive

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  1. Whine alert. Thanks everyone. I just need a spot to vent this out. Everyday I put up with so much stress and have no one to talk to about any of this. It just eats me up. Had a particulary rough day at work today which didn't help. The thing is, I realize I'm the problem. If only I was a better in so many ways, I wouldn't have to deal with the problems that always arise in my life. No one would laugh at me, or get annoyed with me or dislike me. But I am who I am and as a result create problems. Some of this is just internal paranoia I'm sure, but I also realize that I am a flawed and messed up person. Recongnizing the real responses that I engender isn't simply the product of paranoia. Of course, people are going to laugh at a self conscious transperson, this is par for course. And I have no redeeming qualitites to make up for my eccentricities.. I just wish I could disappear from this world at times, so I can stop bothering myself and other people. As much as I want a normal life, I recongnize that I am not a normal person and normalcy and acceptance just isn't in the cards for me. Thank you for letting me vent here. It's either yell out loud or drink myself silly as all of this is starting to just destroy me and I can't keep pretending I'm okay when I'm not. And these internet support forums are all I have for support. TL;DR I make an ass out of myself by posting abunch of emo things that I am feeling cause woe is me to the person born in a privledged first world country. I realize how I sound, just wanted to vent somewhere to feel a little better after a horrible day.
  2. Thanks everyone, I just needed to get it out there. Talking about this did make me feel a bit better. I omitted the fact that I am a transexual female in the process of transitioning, so that's a big reason why I am so on guard and scared of other people. I've always been like this, due to my past and social conditioning, but it's on full alert now. And it's not all in my head as people do think bad things about people like me and yesterday someone just started to outright laugh as I walked passed them (I'm really not passing as male anymore even though I continue to present as such until I'm ready to fully come out). Thank you for the tips of confidence and positivity. I'm really trying to get there as I no longer want my life ad actions to be predefined by other people or my anxiety of them. I just want to have a normal life, and oddly enough transitioning is a part of that for me. But I am so scared of other people, terrified even, so I just live a miserable existence. And I've always had these negative thoughts about how I'm seen so everything is just so amplified. May I ask, how do you acquire this confidence and positive thinking? I really do try but I don't know how to do it. I'm in therapy and socialize with other trans people, but it seems my past keeps hindering any progress in my life and continues to hold me back down. I don't want to be living in a world of fear anymore as all it does is lead me to severe depression. And thank you in advance for not judging as you have no idea what that means to me.
  3. Hello all, I know I know this thread is going to make me sound crazy, but does anyone else deal with these sort of fears? While I don't know how to explain, I either feel like people openly look at me as a joke or just don't like me. Either way, it creates this negative perception of life and social interactions. Like I can't find it possible to believe that someone could legitmately like me for who I am or not see me as a complete laughing stock. They either are acting fake or have an agenda. If they were to be honest, they would openly show that they think I'm a joke show their contempt/negative views about me. At best, I feel people are indifferent towards me which is the best case scenario, but even then you must imagine they are judging you. Maybe those people don't see me as a complete joke, but then again, I'm very expendable to them and unimportant. In all of these scenarios, I'm far from liked, appreciated, accepted. This is how I see my daily interactinos with other people and it honestly hurts. And when I feel this way it's hard for me not to feel depressed and scared to interact with others. And because I'm so scared of what other's will think, I hold so much of myself and my life back in the process and make myself more depressed than I should be. Does anyone relate to these feelings? Was there a way for you to get passed feeling this way? I don't want to feel this way forever. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and am working towards making the change where I don't let these thoughts control me or my happiness, but right now it's soul crushing. Guess I just want to know I'm not alone in feeling like this in my daily life.
  4. Maybe assertiveness training might help? I have the same sort of problem, and it's been recommended to me. I've yet to really do anything about it, so I can't say if it works, but it's worth a shot.
  5. Thanks everyone that has responded so far. I'm just feeling like my life is worthless and that there is no future.. Honestly, I feel like death is preferable than continuing on. And part of the problem is that I stopped doing something that was allowing me to cope in a very unhealthy way. Now I have no way of numbing myself and I'mm losing it. Obviously, that's not a good way of thinking, but it;s not good to do unhealthy things to pacify it either, so any coping techniques are appreciated. Again, thank you everyone that responded. I will try everything that I think can work and help me. It's appreciated.
  6. Hello All, Sorry to be a downer here, but I'm really not feeling that good and need a little help. Does anyone have any good coping techniques that they use when they feel severe depression? I can't get out of this and it's getting too painful at this point. Just keep feeling emptiness and can't stop crying over my problems that are never ending. While I usually try to be hopeful and positive, it's getting a little to hard. It's like a physical infection but with emotions if that makes sense. If I keep feeling this bad, I'm just going to drink tonight in order to not feel anymore, so I want to get useful suggestions first. Again, sorry to bum everyone out with this, but I sort of feel like I need to do something like now. Thanks.
  7. Hello Jonathan, I know you are going through a hard time Jonathan and I feel for you. Speaking as someone whose life is a mess, I can't give you solutions, but I can tell you someting I've learned through experience. Life has it's ups and downs. When we reach the downs, it's hard to envision it getting better or going back up. However, it's always possible for it to do that. Maybe certain life style changes like finding employment, volunteering, and being active with some hobby will help you get back on track. By doing something that is productive, it may help you find a sense of meaning. I have found that working helps reduce negative energy and allows us to cherish the free time we have. As for your love life, don't worry. You just lost your gf and are grieving which is okay. When it's time for you to get out there again, you will be able to do it. You're 19, you have many things to go through. And while you may be lost at the moment (which I totally understand being lost myself) you can find yourself again. In the meantime, hope can help you cope while we are preparing to take action. Sorry if this isn't helpful, but please hang in there.
  8. I don't have that, but I really wish in my heart that people gave a damn about me. Like as though my feelings never matter and no one really cares about me at the end of the day. At times, I'm sure that is just an irrational feeling and there are some people that care about me, but there are many who don't. Even though this is a tad different, it seems like you feeling this way so that you could have someone care about you. Have people go out of their way for your feelings and hardships. Have them value your life. There is nothing wrong with wanting that and I can understand those desires. Sometimes life leaves you feeling taken for granted.
  9. Hello op, Having read your story, I do see why you are struggling and feel doubt about your future. And given that I feel the same way in my life and have some similar expereices and in the smae age group as you, I really related with a lot of what you wrote. Having said all of that, the past doesn't need to always define the future. Isn't it possible that you will meet people in your life that love you? I realize how abuse and bullying can have a detrimental impact, I too went through that, but it doesn't mean there is nothing to look forward too. Consider this, going to school to study computers may get you into a lot of new paths in the future. Maybe you'll land a great career, meet new friends, meet a love interest, etc... Most of the time, things just happen at random and you never know. And working towards what will make us happy is a good way to put us in the right spot for good spontaneous things to happen. I realize much of that probably wasn't helpful, but I really feel for you. At this point in my life, all I have is hope, but without hope we don't continue making the changes we need or fighting to make them occur. So please don't give up hope even when it seems helpless. In any case, I hope things improve for you shortly and this is just a moment in time that will pass.
  10. Let me just say that it's one thing to be a nice and supportive person. That's admirable. However, it's another thing to let people treat you poorly and or for you to put the wieght of the world on your shoulders. If you feel that's the case with your generosity, then maybe it's time to walk away from toxic situations and recognize your limitations. Being a caring person doesn't need to be the same as a person without a voice or boundaries. If you feel the same way and this is why you are bummed out, you shouldn't get dragged down from it. Instead, say no or walk away from the people causing you to feel the way. You're one person. You can't do it all nor should you have to. That doesn't make you a bad person. And don't let people take you for granted either. I've realized that many peope in this life will do that if given the opportunity. In any case, I feel you on this. I strive hard to be a good person but always feel I'm failing the world and everyone around me. It can be tiresome and depressing.
  11. I relate so much with what you just said and understand what you are getting at. I'm also in my mid 20's and finding it hard to make friends at times. One thing that I know is a problem for me is that I'm afraid to let me guard down. Because I'm so guarded at times, it's hard to make a connection and allow myself the possibility of being rejected for who I am. Can you relate with that? If so, maybe letting your guard down a bit with others may allow a more geninune connection? In any case, I'm really sorry you're going through this. It's a struggle I have myself, so I'm sorry that I can't be too helpful here, but please know that you aren't alone.
  12. I totally feel you on the weight of the world thing. Like I want to be part of the solution and need to do good in this world, yet I'll always fall short. It's like a never ending failure no matter how good I try. It would be so much easier to write things off and not care. And yes, I always panic about how others will take me and it seriously hurts me when I can't win their approval. I don't know if for me its perfectioninsm rather than need of avoiding rejection due to what that meant in my past, but either way it's soul crushing. Anyway, I don't have the answers, but you are definetly not alone as I related with much of this.
  13. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me. I always have to pretend I don't feel these things and it's frustrating to hold in. Sorry to hear you struggle with suicidal thoughts as well. Sadly, I know all too well about cutting. I've stopped trying to hate my body and do those things, but it's something I did in the past and am not proud of. For whatever reason suicide itself actually terrifies me even though I feel like going in that direction. I do see a therapist, but my social anxiety issues go beyond just mere gender dysphoria. I have that and it plagues me everyday; however, my fear of the world comes from other things. the gender issues only reinforced my need to hide myself from everyone. I suppose I have non diagonsed ptsd from traumatic experiences in the past (insn't it fun when we diagnose ourselves, lol) and much of that stays with me. It's hard to explain. However, I really want this root issue taken care of, so then I can be able to make the lifestyle changes to enable happiness. But the thing is my therapist keeps encouraging me to do exposure therapy when I can't even feel able to walk out the door without feeling like a freak or feeling afraid of everyone all the time. Going out presenting how I want to is great, but that's got to come after I stop being afraid of the world. Yet, I have no idea how to not be. And because of this fear, I do nothing to make myself feel better or lead a productive life. I care greatly how people see me because I was taught that this is the only thing that matters and if I caused upset as a kid all hell broke lose. I wish I could open up more but there are some things that must stay private. I'mm terrified of my entire surroundings for this and just being around other people is more distressing than it should be. Partly it's because I feel so freaking fake not being able to express myself and be me, but many because I'm afraid they are going to hurt me. And I try to stop the hurt by winning their approval but I sacrifice my feelings and needs in the process. I just don't know how to get passed this. It's so debilitating and at 25 I can't even lead close to a normal life. I just want my fear of the world to be reduced. That way I can take the steps to make lifesyle changes and maybe not feel so depressed. It's just I don't know how to do it. I wish my therapist understood how hard exposure therapy is and how much the past continues to hold me back and make me terrified of the world. Emotionally, I'm stil very much a scared child that doesn't know what to do facing a lot of control and abuse. I've like shut down, feel like damage goods and don't know if it's worth continuing because I'm unlikely to get passed this. Sorry you have dealt with judgement for being bi. As for people thinking it's a kink, yeah that's stupid. No one really chooses the hell of bein lgbt if they could. I'm not saying born this way, it's just who we are for wahtever reason and it's a big oart of who we are and can't be changed. Though people are just always going to see me as a confused gay guy like they;ve always done and now just a confused "what the hell is that" as I'm really androgynous at best. Anyway, thanks for listening. I'm just feeling terrible and feel like ranting somewhere where no one knows me for the most part. It's just getting a bit much to deal with and everything is overwhelming me to the point that I just want to stop living and look foward to taking my sleeping pills every night. It's getting unbearable and I just want answers that will never come. To feel better and to have a future when I feel it's not going to happen. And thank you for saying it's okay to share here. I'm just not trying to upset others with my own drama. Seriously, thank you, you're a nice person.
  14. Thought I would update this as I am feeling pretty depressed and just need to vent annoymously. I try to think positive and have hope for the best in life, but I'm getting into a zone were I think I've reached the end of my limit for good. I'm really not happy with life. And quite frankly, I doubt I ever will be. I should just stop kidding myself and accept the fact that I'm a total weirdo in this world. Really, no matter what I do or any fantasy that I concoct I'm always going to be a total outthere freak. It sucks to be trans and people will hate me regardless because of this. It's very unlikely that things will go well in the end even if that's what I hope for once the entire process is done. Perhaps if I can stop people from knowing about my past, but I got to stop kidding myself, that won't be the case. And how is this going to help my lack of confidence and help me fight back against my depression if I only make myself an even bigger outcast? People already dislike me to begin with, so who am I to think my social anxiety issues will get easier. Maybe if things go according to plan and I'm not society's fool, but what are the chances I'll fool people into thinking I'm not a freak. To be honest, I don't think there is a good outcome for me. I really feel like I'm just prolonging the inevitable. Trying to find a sense of meaning and happiness in my life the best way that I know how for me, but realizing that I'm just too much of an out there damaged person to save myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't stop doing what I am doing because I feel I have to do this and know I'd be unhappy living life otherwise, but I also realize that there is so much that can keep going wrong and maybe even get worse. There really isn't an answer. I just wish life wouldn't be so overwhelming at times. I don't have big dreams or hopes, I just want a normal life that I can probably never have. It's like my only shot for some sense of happiness or normalcy, but it's not going to happen either way. All I know is that at times I just wish to go to sleep and let that be it. Forgive me for this annoying post, especially since this is lgbt related in a depression forum, but I need somewhere to vent about my feelings and I am very depressed. It's pathetic that the only place I can reach out to is strangers over a depression site, but I can't say this stuff to the people in my life. I just can't. And I realize that I shouldn't be complaining so much and that others have it much worse; however, I can't stop having these thoughts no matter how positive I try to be. I just feel so hopeless, scared and defeated. Will it ever end? I know I got to be more positive and try moving forward, but I'm getting to the point where I'm soon going to just crash and burn for good. Even all the wishfull thinking and attempts at positivity can't help me see if I will really make it in the end. I don't know but I'm doubtful. At least I got it out of my head. Again sorry for this post. I just had to say it somewhere and apologize for being such an annoying complainer.
  15. Well, there is no shame in having depression. So, if you are considering medication, it wouldn't be a bad idea to discuss it with your doctor. There was a time in my life that medications literally saved me. As for what's going on, I'm really sorry to hear this. It sounds very stressful. Sadly, I'm not really sure I have advice in this area as I've never been married, but I do hope that you both will be able to make it through everything.
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