I am a 47 year old married, stay at home dad. I have been treated for depression for about ten years now and have bean seeing my current counselor for three years this May.Counseling started when I was suicidal and engaging in self harm by hitting my head until near blackout. That is better now and I have made some progress but I fear things will never get to where I feel any sort of self worth. At what point does one just say this is as good as it gets? I live on our farm, we sold the dairy in 2009 after starting from nothing as a first generation farmer to building our farm from nothing and milking cows for ten years. That accomplishment means nothing in our community, and it has left me feeling like I am 47 and unable to get a decent job. I am to the point of just accepting the very modest income I can get from our farm, as I no longer have access to capital, still have debt from the dairy and have gained 75 pounds since I quit milking cows. All of this is complicated by my wife,who got a decent job as we quit dairying and is also finishing up her masters degree to be a LMHC. We live in a relatively small town, she knows my counselor, so it keeps me from being 100% honest with my counselor as I don't want to hurt her career locally in that field. I understand about ethics of her profession but I also know they are all just human. Right now I am trying just to make it until my youngest daughter graduates in five years.