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Dicenvice

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Everything posted by Dicenvice

  1. It started when I was injured in the Army. The vertebrae L5-S1 ruptured in my back and required a lumbar fusion to repair. During surgery the surgeon was unable to remove the disc as planned. So I have to live with chronic pain in my back. The worst part was the depression that followed. The pain, and the depression slowly chipped away at me for 2 years before it left me hollow. And in the struggle to maintain success at college, I found that I couldn't make my wife happy, so she left me. My wife left me 3 times within the 4 months that I started treatment. I couldn't understand why she was leaving me after I started getting help, and it made things much worse for me. In the end I had to understand that she simply fell out of love with me. And honestly I don't blame her. I wish I could have been better for her. Ill make this short, my wife demanded I go to the psych ward at the VA. I was in and out twice, had to withdraw from a semester and incurred a debt from the housing stipend, The debt was supposed to be nullified because it was from extenuating circumstances. And is service connected, a letter was written and sent out and apparently somebody dropped the ball. The computer automatically defaults to taking your entire housing stipend after 30 days to pay the debt, and nothing can be done fast enough to fix it. So I am left with .24 cents in the bank, I can't pay my rent, and apparently there is no emergency money program in the VA. They tell me to go to civilian ones and I simply wont do it. The irony is that I went into the psych ward determined to win my wife back. Only I failed to, and in doing so lost everything. And there is no way to get it back, not without submitting a form. The bottom line is I am screwed. I will be kicked out, and I had to withdraw from another semester. All I want to do is get a graduate degree in psychology and work in the capacity of mental health for the VA. Now I get to be homeless.
  2. Yeah I know I messed up, my brain was never like this before my injury. I don't get it, it was an injury to the lumbar spine in my back not my brain. I have been taking them I don't know maybe 3 months. I took them because somehow I became so depressed that getting out of bed wasn't something I was regularly able to do.
  3. I feel a lot of my symptoms have returned. I feel empty inside again. I can't connect emotionally, and I have been isolating myself for the last 3 days. The reason I did this was because I thought I got over the depression since I was working out a lot. That and I resolved the major issues in my life and relative closure was achieved. I guess I will always need this medication. Being in the throes of depression again is so horribly depressing.
  4. You are experiencing psycho-motor-retardation, it is what happens when depression gets really bad. Are you on any medication? If not I would advise that you find a doctor and gets some antidepressants, and if you have them get them adjusted to a higher dose or maybe adding a different one. I had the same problem you have, it got so bad that I dropped a ton of weight and could barely get out of bed. But now I am going to the gym 4 days a week and I feel much better.
  5. I've been like that too, somehow I managed through it to get to the park next to my house that has a pull up bar and dip bars. And so every time I pass it I do 40 pull ups, and 60 dips. It actually made me less depressed believe it or not, and the heavy feeling of my limbs went away. But trust me, it really sucks at first, it is bad hard to do in that state.
  6. Well I guess its better than being locked down, as long as the commute to the hospital isn't that long. How many days a week will you go, and how many hours each day?
  7. Yeah, happened to me and destroyed an otherwise good marriage. Now I spend my time which is 24 hours a day doing nothing till the 16th. I'm so un-motivated with this depression that I don't even feel like watching a movie I might enjoy because it requires attention. After taking my medication my energy came back sort of, but I still don't have a handle on my depression or anything else for that matter. I think they call it psycho-motor-retardation when you just sort of sit there all day doing nothing. But it is associated with major depression.
  8. So she is assuming that people with depression just lose their job and become homeless? Because that is basically what she is inferring. I've met some dumb nurses, but that's not really saying much. One literally told me my depression can't be a 10, she said that level of depression was for people who were 9/11 victims. I told her to put whatever the hell she thought a painful divorce, suicide attempt, chronic pain, and PTSD was on a piece of paper and fk off. lol, I literally said that to her and fired her from being my nurse again the next day.
  9. I struggle with my sanity in terms of this too. It makes sense that you should think about your problems, and actively attempt to stay on top of them or make sure more don't form if at all possible. But you can also obsess about the issues too. Some people focus too much on their problems, other people focus too little. Somewhere in between is a right answer for you, whatever you're comfortable with. I would say to try instead of thinking negatively about the outcomes, think about possible avenues you can use to reach closure or whatever. People who ignore problems, can be just as bad as people who become obsessive over problems. So, in the middle somewhere.
  10. I don't think you have enough information there to come to a valid deduction. And I don't know, I don't think a lot of people even put that much thought into what they are about to say. Id wager you put more thought into what people say when you are triggered than they do before they say it.
  11. Well I know what you don't do, you don't fight it and shove it down. I tried that for 3 years till it brought me to my knees and kept me there. I guess its similar to the concept of facing your demons. Unfortunately you can't destroy demons and skeletons running from them, you just sort of have to face them. And part of facing depression is accepting that, maybe low expectations are going to be better than high. I don't know, sometimes I just like to stand back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Helps regulate my head anyway.
  12. You're thinking about it too much, I tend to do that when I try to figure out stuff that doesn't make any sense to me and I will drive myself insane by trying to figure out stupidity or disrespect. It might have been something as simple as small talk, or maybe likes to golf? I can understand triggers though, the above mentioned are mine.
  13. That's why bureaucracy fails, its like - We need a budget cut. But we forgot what happened last time we slashed this. Lets do it again and figure it all out over again. I actually think there is typically less thought put into budget cuts than that. Color me biased.
  14. Some people look to god, I look to nature. It has a better track record of making sense. Humans aren't mean to exist in the world that has been created, and I guess it can be better or worse depending on how you exist within it. So if you have a healthy social circle, a decent job, exercise, and have had a generally positive experience in life, then life will generally be better. But if you haven't had a positive experience, and the negative experiences compound that life can get a bit more than interesting. Some of the time, or all the time. I've gone through money, true love, have the money back, completely horrified by the thought of having to go through another love scenario. I mean, basically it is all relative. Genetics, environment, and that's it. And between those two things, there is a massive difference between any given person.
  15. Ive never heard anyone swear by cooking and cleaning, but vigorous exercise is something I think a great majority of Americans don't actually get. I would wager to say that they don't get anywhere near the recommended amount of exercise. So you would think on an application that has such a great attrition rate for people to follow, but such great results for the people that apply themselves. That there would have to be a great return from the effort put in, especially if you think of depression as a energy divider. You know most people think going to the gym 3 days a week for an hour will sap your energy, and it will. It will make things harder for you to do till it becomes a routine. Then your energy levels will jump, which seems counterintuitive and it is, but its true. Not that I am really trying to sell you on it, I just think it is something that people say they do much more often than do. I would suggest putting off projects and doing it like you would in triage. The project that is best apt for success, work on that. Everything else, put it in a junk pile or a save for later pile. Sounds like you need to figure out what that is, rather than starting anything new.
  16. In psychology there is a concept called internal audience, I wonder how much of what concerns you actually stems from catastrophizing outcomes. I don't know much about your history, but I do know that people are typically forgiving as long as an effort is made. Nobody is perfect, and the ones that seem perfect, well you don't know what they are thinking so how could you know how they actually feel? I think it sounds like depression and anxiety is getting on top of you. Each person is effected by high levels of anxiety differently, its probably a combination of genetic and environmental factors. But it doesn't seem like things are impossible. Just seems like you are identifying stressors that are triggering a high amount of anxiety. Take me for instance, my wife just left me. I had to withdraw out of an entire semester of school because I did actually become suicidal. Before that was just unrelenting depression and chronic pain from an injury in the Army. Life can drag you out to a sidewalk and beat you till you pi** blood. That's just life, and sometimes life is just learning to accept things, and change what you can, move forward. rinse/repeat. And if you reach a place that you can't move forward anymore and you need to drop everything to take care of your mental health. Then, I would suggest take the opportunity. The more people that come out and express depression, and their struggles with it, the less stigma it gets. It doesn't bother me what people think of my mental stability, because honestly, I know the truth. The truth is everyone is crazy, just some are less honest about it.
  17. It can help self esteem and it does help on a neurological level. A lot of psychiatrists will tell you that this is probably the best way to help depression, both on a psychological and physiological level. But it is also probably one of the hardest things a person can adapt into their lives.
  18. Dicenvice

    Lost.

    Why does happiness have to be contingent on being remembered for the time you are here? What you do in life needs to matter to you. If you can't find a reason, then find one objectively.
  19. Life is more complicated than a simple linear motion forward. You're right when you say you are basically how you feel, and if you feel miserable then you are miserable. But like I was saying before about life, it doesn't just move forward, sometimes it goes behind your back, stabs you then leaves you for dead. When you deal with that, the reality of the situation, or the gravity of it can become obscured, and will obscure your sanity along with it. Depression and mental health is far more complicated than simple motivation.
  20. Well to be perfectly blunt it is hard to meet and have any type of relationship with anyone. So for example, it is hard to meet new friends if you move to a new city. I don't know how old you are, but after you are out of school you really have to figure out how you're going to meet people. For example, if you're 21 you can go to a bar and meet people that way. Or you could join a gym and sometimes you meet people that way. You could take a few credits at a local college to try and meet people. Maybe find a hobby and meet people that way. The bottom line is you need a social circle with friends and family. And then sometimes that way you can meet other friends, or women who have friends. The thing is, meeting women is tricky. And meeting them when they are in the mood to talk and socialize is tricky too. And then the last part is that you have to initiate the communication since you are male. And if you aren't really willing to initiate a conversation and talk to them then you are probably going to have real trouble getting a date. But it is like that for any guy. The other option is online dating, but the results for that can be pretty dismal too.
  21. I forgot to add - When I mean you won't have to go homeless, you can just check yourself in to a VA psych ward and stay there till they figure out what to do with you. I mean, it seems like a really stupid way to have to do things. But if you check yourself in and say you will **** yourself if you end up homeless it sort of lights a fire under their ass and it costs them money to keep you in the ward. So many more phone-calls are made on your behalf and by people who actually have power to pull the strings so to speak. So as with any type of system, sometimes you have to find out ways to make it more painful for the VA to help you, for them to actually help you. I know it doesn't make much sense, but sometimes you have to engage in the nonsense that they create to get a job done.
  22. Yeah that exact same thing happened to me, I went on something like 2 years before I realized I had a problem because the instinct is to just soldier through it. The general idea in combat arms (I was 13B) is that there is no problem, and if there is, it is you that is the problem. I mean that is literally the code we have had to live by, mostly unspoken, but brutally enforced. But in civilian life, and even through the VA they teach you the opposite. That there is a problem, and that there are associations with combat and chronic pain, or emotional trauma that become detrimental to a normal life without treatment. But I was like you I just went on through it all thinking I was the problem. I went on pretending that everything was ok with my wife and family, I went on till things became so hard for me that I literally had no idea how I was passing my classes because I would never study and I would take maybe 20 minutes to do 2 hours worth of work right before class. Eventually it got so bad that like you I was unable to get up out of bed to even make it to the shower. And the cost of all this was a recent stay at a psych ward in the VA, several times, my wife left me and, uh, my family thinks i'm absolutely crazy. And outside of the mental health professionals and people on this forum the general idea is that people like us are absolutely crazy. They are wrong though, but they typically live in that ignorance. I mean when my wife left me this last time I tried to drink myself to death, and I found out that, that is harder to do then I previously thought. They have no idea what is like to work as we have, no clue the cost to our bodies and the cost to our minds. No clue the endless hours, the sleep deprivation and the hell in between that hell. But words fall very short of describing the actual agony of it all. And pushing it down till our minds snap is basically what we do. It is why a lot of veterans choose drugs or alcohol, its why I abused the hell out of painkillers after they had to fuse my back up. Chronic pain feeds depression, and depression feeds the chronic pain. If you do nothing about either of these issues then it will spiral into the world of pain you now find yourself in, as it did me. I don't know what your set up is like with school and an apartment building. But im doing the same thing you are and that stay at the psych ward put me in a bad way. Im still waiting on my disability rating and because of my back being all jacked up I can't do any type of physical job or even one that requires me to stand for extended periods of time. I don't know if you have checked in with HUDVASH or VA transitional housing. You won't have to be homeless if things go completely **** up, but as with everything the VA is extremely slow, and emergency situations like yours don't get handled the way they should. I myself may have to lose my place, I honestly don't know what is going to happen with me either. There are also places like the veterans resource center and they can assist you with one month of rent, typically a one time bail out situation. I needed their help one month. I don't know I am sure you are waiting for your disability rating like I am, only thing is by the time we get it we have 2 years of back pay that we could have used for the 2 years we were struggling to manage through the hell of transition. I mean its really a system that is completely broken and just limps along and pretends to care when their objective is to rate you as low as they possibly can and drag it out. But you know, we fight for out country and die for it. Why should real problems be handled in a timely matter right? That's just my sarcasm and anger though. If you want to PM me, I might have some more ideas, I have been in the system for a while so I know a lot more than I did 2 years ago.
  23. I have a bout a million things going on. First, money issues and paying the rent is going to be really interesting next month. The depression I had caused me to have to go to a psych ward, and in that time I wasn't able to really make the money I need. The next thing is that my wife hates me, wants nothing to do with me, and I have to figure out how to get an annulment. Im going to have to try and dodge a lawsuit from her, because I signed a paper saying she could sue me. She is on a K1 visa, and I refuse to help her get a greencard at this point. She really got evil with me because I couldn't manage my depression fast enough for her. I had about a million phone calls to make, I don't even know where I stand at school anymore and everything is pretty much loose ends at this point. And my depression hasn't gone anywhere, I am in chronic pain because of a combat injury. My whole family thinks I'm absolutely crazy for going to a psych ward and taking psychotropic medication. And they are all on my wifes side, apparently I am a monster. I never did anything to hurt her, I just had a hard time managing my depression and pain and the trauma from the Army. Im still waiting for my disability pay from service connected injury, its like been backed up for 2 years. Im so busted up I can't even stand in place for 2 hours without the pain becoming unmanageable. I don't know, its like how strong do you have to be in life? I mean im being brutally beaten while im down, and I'm getting seriously tired of this unrelenting beatdown. I don't even know where to start to fix this god damn disaster.
  24. I mean if you're trying to accept the way things are that is good place to start. Fighting the idea that you don't have a problem is always detrimental. I learned that one the hard way. But outside of medication there are ways to I guess help put things into perspective through psychotherapy CBT - grounding or relaxation. Those type of exercises take a long time to get down though. Basically in that respect there are really two types of ways to get through it - therapy or psychotropics.
  25. If he doesn't write back, you will have to write in his place to avoid unnecessary suffering. You might have to make up something like he had to leave because he was sick or whatever, and he is still getting help so he can't come back. She is already in a weakened state, anything more could be detrimental in that respect. I don't know how moral it is, but sometimes in life things need to be bent in certain directions. It is a complicated situation. But that is what I would do.
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