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About Dicenvice

  • Birthday 08/15/1983

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  1. It started when I was injured in the Army. The vertebrae L5-S1 ruptured in my back and required a lumbar fusion to repair. During surgery the surgeon was unable to remove the disc as planned. So I have to live with chronic pain in my back. The worst part was the depression that followed. The pain, and the depression slowly chipped away at me for 2 years before it left me hollow. And in the struggle to maintain success at college, I found that I couldn't make my wife happy, so she left me. My wife left me 3 times within the 4 months that I started treatment. I couldn't understand why she was leaving me after I started getting help, and it made things much worse for me. In the end I had to understand that she simply fell out of love with me. And honestly I don't blame her. I wish I could have been better for her. Ill make this short, my wife demanded I go to the psych ward at the VA. I was in and out twice, had to withdraw from a semester and incurred a debt from the housing stipend, The debt was supposed to be nullified because it was from extenuating circumstances. And is service connected, a letter was written and sent out and apparently somebody dropped the ball. The computer automatically defaults to taking your entire housing stipend after 30 days to pay the debt, and nothing can be done fast enough to fix it. So I am left with .24 cents in the bank, I can't pay my rent, and apparently there is no emergency money program in the VA. They tell me to go to civilian ones and I simply wont do it. The irony is that I went into the psych ward determined to win my wife back. Only I failed to, and in doing so lost everything. And there is no way to get it back, not without submitting a form. The bottom line is I am screwed. I will be kicked out, and I had to withdraw from another semester. All I want to do is get a graduate degree in psychology and work in the capacity of mental health for the VA. Now I get to be homeless.
  2. Yeah I know I messed up, my brain was never like this before my injury. I don't get it, it was an injury to the lumbar spine in my back not my brain. I have been taking them I don't know maybe 3 months. I took them because somehow I became so depressed that getting out of bed wasn't something I was regularly able to do.
  3. I feel a lot of my symptoms have returned. I feel empty inside again. I can't connect emotionally, and I have been isolating myself for the last 3 days. The reason I did this was because I thought I got over the depression since I was working out a lot. That and I resolved the major issues in my life and relative closure was achieved. I guess I will always need this medication. Being in the throes of depression again is so horribly depressing.
  4. You are experiencing psycho-motor-retardation, it is what happens when depression gets really bad. Are you on any medication? If not I would advise that you find a doctor and gets some antidepressants, and if you have them get them adjusted to a higher dose or maybe adding a different one. I had the same problem you have, it got so bad that I dropped a ton of weight and could barely get out of bed. But now I am going to the gym 4 days a week and I feel much better.
  5. I've been like that too, somehow I managed through it to get to the park next to my house that has a pull up bar and dip bars. And so every time I pass it I do 40 pull ups, and 60 dips. It actually made me less depressed believe it or not, and the heavy feeling of my limbs went away. But trust me, it really sucks at first, it is bad hard to do in that state.
  6. Well I guess its better than being locked down, as long as the commute to the hospital isn't that long. How many days a week will you go, and how many hours each day?
  7. Yeah, happened to me and destroyed an otherwise good marriage. Now I spend my time which is 24 hours a day doing nothing till the 16th. I'm so un-motivated with this depression that I don't even feel like watching a movie I might enjoy because it requires attention. After taking my medication my energy came back sort of, but I still don't have a handle on my depression or anything else for that matter. I think they call it psycho-motor-retardation when you just sort of sit there all day doing nothing. But it is associated with major depression.
  8. So she is assuming that people with depression just lose their job and become homeless? Because that is basically what she is inferring. I've met some dumb nurses, but that's not really saying much. One literally told me my depression can't be a 10, she said that level of depression was for people who were 9/11 victims. I told her to put whatever the hell she thought a painful divorce, suicide attempt, chronic pain, and PTSD was on a piece of paper and fk off. lol, I literally said that to her and fired her from being my nurse again the next day.
  9. I struggle with my sanity in terms of this too. It makes sense that you should think about your problems, and actively attempt to stay on top of them or make sure more don't form if at all possible. But you can also obsess about the issues too. Some people focus too much on their problems, other people focus too little. Somewhere in between is a right answer for you, whatever you're comfortable with. I would say to try instead of thinking negatively about the outcomes, think about possible avenues you can use to reach closure or whatever. People who ignore problems, can be just as bad as people who become obsessive over problems. So, in the middle somewhere.
  10. I don't think you have enough information there to come to a valid deduction. And I don't know, I don't think a lot of people even put that much thought into what they are about to say. Id wager you put more thought into what people say when you are triggered than they do before they say it.
  11. Well I know what you don't do, you don't fight it and shove it down. I tried that for 3 years till it brought me to my knees and kept me there. I guess its similar to the concept of facing your demons. Unfortunately you can't destroy demons and skeletons running from them, you just sort of have to face them. And part of facing depression is accepting that, maybe low expectations are going to be better than high. I don't know, sometimes I just like to stand back and laugh at the absurdity of it all. Helps regulate my head anyway.
  12. You're thinking about it too much, I tend to do that when I try to figure out stuff that doesn't make any sense to me and I will drive myself insane by trying to figure out stupidity or disrespect. It might have been something as simple as small talk, or maybe likes to golf? I can understand triggers though, the above mentioned are mine.
  13. That's why bureaucracy fails, its like - We need a budget cut. But we forgot what happened last time we slashed this. Lets do it again and figure it all out over again. I actually think there is typically less thought put into budget cuts than that. Color me biased.
  14. Some people look to god, I look to nature. It has a better track record of making sense. Humans aren't mean to exist in the world that has been created, and I guess it can be better or worse depending on how you exist within it. So if you have a healthy social circle, a decent job, exercise, and have had a generally positive experience in life, then life will generally be better. But if you haven't had a positive experience, and the negative experiences compound that life can get a bit more than interesting. Some of the time, or all the time. I've gone through money, true love, have the money back, completely horrified by the thought of having to go through another love scenario. I mean, basically it is all relative. Genetics, environment, and that's it. And between those two things, there is a massive difference between any given person.
  15. Ive never heard anyone swear by cooking and cleaning, but vigorous exercise is something I think a great majority of Americans don't actually get. I would wager to say that they don't get anywhere near the recommended amount of exercise. So you would think on an application that has such a great attrition rate for people to follow, but such great results for the people that apply themselves. That there would have to be a great return from the effort put in, especially if you think of depression as a energy divider. You know most people think going to the gym 3 days a week for an hour will sap your energy, and it will. It will make things harder for you to do till it becomes a routine. Then your energy levels will jump, which seems counterintuitive and it is, but its true. Not that I am really trying to sell you on it, I just think it is something that people say they do much more often than do. I would suggest putting off projects and doing it like you would in triage. The project that is best apt for success, work on that. Everything else, put it in a junk pile or a save for later pile. Sounds like you need to figure out what that is, rather than starting anything new.
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