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Lumessence

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About Lumessence

  • Birthday 12/08/1985

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    Transgender
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    Those other universes...
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    Sleep.

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  1. Nothing more, nothing less.. Empty life, alone, spending day in and day out, struggling to find something to keep my mind off of questioning why i'm still here. Music, video, games... Making more effort than should be required to try to keep my room half-decent, and my clothes clean. Can barely walk. Walk upstairs, to be greeted by the only people I ever get to speak to, happily reminding me that it's garbage night. Can anyone give me a valid reasoning for why this is worth it? Beyond the empty hope and just talk? "You're cute, you're kind, the world needs more like you". Sure. The world wants it enough that neglect and ignoring is how it's rewarded. I say this every single time i post here, over the past several years, and I really don't know why I keep holding onto a possible future. I have none. I'm now 31 years old, and my life has not changed an inch from what it was 11 years ago, despite everything i've tried. Trapped on disabililty, unable to work, unable to go to school, unable to do anything by myself, yet the world continues to demand and push... For what? Nothing.
  2. In my case, I only have people online, but I don't imagine it would be too different if instead of online, it was me being surrounded by people in life. All these people around me, but no one connects with me. Yes, very much so... the older I get the more difficult this becomes, and that's something that both scares me and makes me feel hopeless. It's just getting harder and harder.. We're a fairly close knit family at this point. There's not a whole lot more connecting than we already do, which is the best blessing I have in life. Without my family, there is no way i would be here today. They literally are the primary foundation that has kept me going. Without them, i'd have had no one, and no point in even trying anymore. There have been times i've been convinced that just giving up and opting out of life have felt like the only way to ease my pain, but the thought of snuffing out their efforts is heart wrenching. At times I feel like they are a chain that keeps me here, but other times i realize how much of a blessing this actually is.. You understand me clearly. Thankyou so much. It is exactly that. I want to feel like i've been chosen, and never having that feeling makes me feel unworthy of being around others, or even existing in the world. Going day in and day out looking around seeing that everyone seems to have that someone who has chosen them over others, while i remain unchosen is just re-enforcement that i'm not welcome in the world.
  3. The only people i have is my direct family. No one else. I've had this problem for a very long time, and it never ceases. Where normal people seem to pick people up, connect, make friends, or get into a relationship, I seem to be trapped an element of subjective realilty to everyone around me. In life, even though no one has any complaints against me, and seem to enjoy my presence on some level, they never even make an attempt to connect with me at all. I have one irl friend who i see once every 2 weeks because he hosts a gamenight with some other of his friends, but at this point, him, and everyone else that attends is either married, or married and have children. They have jobs, and busy lives. That friend of mine is not the type of person who just spends time with people either. There is no one for me to spend my time with at all.
  4. Thankyou everyone. I know that I can't just get along in life expecting to have someone there at all times. As nice it would be to just have that someone who can keep me feeling here, a part of the world, I've just had no such luck. This is why I resort to places like this, to fill those times of void in my life. The problem is that when i'm already that far into needing, I'm already on the edge so much that I lose a good part of my reasoning. It honestly doesn't take much though. I don't need people to worship or dedicate all their time to me. I could never force someone to sacrifice themselves like that. I just need reminders from time to time that I do actually exist, and that my existence is appreciated, and matters. I think it's wonderful that you do these things. Even if they don't help everyone, they still help a lot of people, and even if it was only a few, then that's worth something in my book. I have read over this, and most of the practices here i've already taken part in. Meditation being the strongest, which has had a major role in boosting my reasoning and judgement over all things. The only complication I experience with these things is that even with how efficient they are for other means, they do not aid me in fulfilling my inner purpose for existing. I know that's a battle we all face on some level. 5. isn't something that I'd disagree with either, but as you'd expect it would be that area that is most complicated in my life. I've found that while loving and appreciating myself for who I am (mostly what i'm willing and able to do for others), can help me in terms of not hating myself, obviously, but it doesn't fill that painful void that I experience. On the contrary, it sometimes feeds the issue, feeling like I'm just a wonderful person that has so much to offer others, but that not being validated by no one seeming to want me around all the time. If often feels like a self-propelled illusion, rather than what reality is telling you. I become to conscious of it being nothing more than a temporary painkiller, and the problem still exists. I don't think you failed miserably. You helped me explain myself and my position. Often elements in aiding my struggles that go unchecked. After writing that last response, upon typing that I had cut myself off from the people i normally interact with, I gave in, and opened back up. The moment I felt them again, the pain went away. Who knows how long I could have gone forcing myself to suffer, but I realized it was silly to do this, especially since I just resorted to having that contact anyway (posting this thread). It wasn't helping. Not only was I suffering, but that suffering extended to other people, which is just the last thing I want and need. Whether you feel like you failed on one level or not, you did set me straight on another. Even if it was through my own responding that that came. Just being able to speak your frustrations and issues to people, even if the act seems negative on the surface, can still have positive results. It's a type of self-recollection through interacting with others. Left with my own thoughts, I tend to just spiral into a chaotic mess that puts me in bad places. Admittedly, I often have a hard time believing in the words "We care", unless people show this through personal interaction. This is just a personal issue though, and I recognize that it's not fair to say other's don't care just because they can't be here with me in person holding me close. A strong part of me feels that words online are no different than the fog I grew up in in life. A feeling of vagueness, unclarity, or what I might see beyond being nothing more than a result of the shifting swirling clouds of the fog, rather than a physical existence.. Consciously I still appreciate it though, and I again, realize that sometimes this is the best people can give. They are trying, by doing everything they can. It's just difficult, because while it helps, i still have yet to find that here infront of that fog. Everything is beyond it. People are real.. Their concepts are real, and their efforts are real. All of this I want to believe in. Even if it's not quite enough to get me completely out of the dark, I still appreciate reminders that they may still exist. If nothing else, it gives me a little more willpower to keep pressing on. Online is a painkiller for me. It helps, but the real issue is life; reality. Having only the people I live with present just isn't enough to keep me in life. Struggling every moment of being outside around other people who are laughing and having a great time with someone else, everywhere I go, while I remain in isolation even with hundreds of people walking around me. It's that feeling of "So close, but impossible to touch". Something i've dealt with my entire life, and it's become stronger in adulthood when I can't so much as leave the house without hearing people talking about relationships and sex.. An idea that life is waving around constantly infront of me, but forbidding me to have direct contact with. That's just another level of frustration on top of not feeling connecting to people.
  5. The situation that happened here is complicated. I don't resent people for responding, more so i resent a certain concept that was presented, and I was being over-sensitive about it. A concept that is the bane of everything about me, which few people realize. Every person who responded here in this thread was a type of validation. Taking even a moment to read through my post and type up a response in order to try to help me. I don't doubt for a moment that that was everyone's intentions. No one posted here with the intent to make things worse, i understand this.. All I really wanted was to be heard, honestly, and for people to understand how I felt in the moment. It was part rant, and part cry for warmth. But then I lost it and flipped when I was faced with an enemy concept, that wasn't even meant to be an opposition.
  6. 1. Already enough to show me you've missed everything completely. This is about an issue of myself. Not 2 other people. If you want to discuss the importance of their experiences around them, then you can do so in another thread, about them. I did not post this thread to talk about their experiences, which do not relate to my own. While it's ok for them to do so, and I don't mind hearing about them, and seeing if I can relate, or even discussing them, it is certainly not ok to pin a fault on me for not prioritizing their experiences over my own, when the topic line is mine. If they can be applied, great. But if they can't, it's a fault of your own for placing the blame on me for not accepting something that doesn't work. 2. Incorrect again. There is no straw man fallacy involved. You're adopting your own personal experience and belief and forcing it on others, assuming that what works for yourself is exactly the same as what should work with another, and calling that the end-all. The person who understands my own experiences best is myself. Your self-righteousness isn't going to get you anywhere there. 3. You are right that I havn't presented everything, but what is productive about others assuming and making statements without making a marginal effort to actually ask for information? Instead of throwing down your "I know it all" as a statement, asking for clarity and trying to connect with the issue will take you much further. Much further than disputing against someone when you only know yourself. Admittedly, my reaction was unsanctioned, but i've gone through this run-around with people for decades. A never ending issue that is easily resolved if someone just stops and thinks about someone else for a moment other than themselves. It's a type of patience i've lost for, especially when so many other people are preaching isolation and self-importance. That isn't a fault of anyone elses, and I don't blame them for that, but things that hit home in negative ways have a tendancy to make people act rashly. 4. I'm sorry, but that's just simply the way i work, based on how I grew up, and what I was born with. I've spent enough time with this issue to explore and discover what works and what does not. Being alone causes me to suffer both physically and emotionally, which is something that I cannot control. The only medicine is other people. I've spent plenty enough time alone, and the pain just builds up. People are my only release, whether I, or you, want it to be or not. We do what we can with what we can, and sometimes that's all we can do. 5. I am the one saying that, because that is essentially what you're telling me to do. It's clear to me that you don't understand my situation or why these things are that important. It's unfortunate that you'd rather just dispute it with me - your knowing me for a whole couple of posts, against my lifetime of self exploration. Those "tools" do not work for me. They may work for others, but I am not others. This site has often made me regret signing up for it, and there have been a few times in the past that I've posted this similar topic and the end result was me being closer to suicide's door than i would have been if I did not post at all. It gets tiresome going through the same routine with people time and time again who are coming off as trying to help, but ultimately refuse to realize that they aren't, and are actually making things worse. Case in point, I have spent the last several days with cut off contact from everyone that I knew. both online and offline. Why? For the same silly reason that you people preach in this thread. To "Get over it". You know where that landed me? It has been years since i've craved ending it so badly. The weight buildup is untollerable and the only end result will be psychosis. I would just end up hurting myself or other people. Is that what you really want? OR, you could be like a couple of people who posted in this thread and do the simple thing, and send me a welcoming PM to ease my suffering. Believe it or not, not everyone has a perfect setup in life to where they can be self-sustaining. Tell that to people who rely on medications to stabalize their transplanted heart so their body doesn't reject them, or people who rely on wheelchairs to move around. I was born with a psychological condition that requires my existence be validated by others. I have spent 20 years (started therapy at the age of 7, quit at 27) to get around this, and the bottom line is that it can't be done. So I hope you'll excuse me when i get a bit uppitty about people belittling my understanding of my own situation and fighting against the only thing that helps. Convince a cripple they don't need a wheelchair, or take a heart-transplantee's medication and hide it from them, telling them they don't need them to get along in life. That is the extent of what you are doing. So again I say, instead of disputing and dismissing ones understanding of their own self, how about you actually make an effort to seek clarity of the situation. Let me give you an example: Bad approach: "I need people in my life" "No you don't." Good approach: "I need people in my life" "why do you feel that way?" You can't help people by being self-righteous. You have to think about other people first if you want to help them. You have to be open to clarification and understanding their situation. Otherwise you're just asking for trouble.
  7. And that right there is the problem in the world. If people gave even a moment to validate other's existence, this whole thing wouldn't be a problem. That is exactly what i've done for years, looking for those people who need to be validated, because I actually realize how important it is, and the result of me doing so has spoken wonders how true it actually is. I know it because i've done it for others. I know it because I don't get it in return. I know the results. I live them daily. The day i'm not validated is the day I lose willpower to do anything at all. I can't be constructive, and I can't fight off suffering. The day i get validation is a day none of the weight matters to me. It's a wonder why anyone would even try to dispute it. Validating other's existence vs not is the difference between night and day. I just wish more people understood that.
  8. Incorrect. I've thought about myself and others around me for 30 years. I know damn well better than anyone else who thinks they do, as i've been forced to live with the contemplation and reality my entire life. You are not the same as me. You do not realize how much of a bane it is for me when people start preaching what you're saying. This thread is a prime example. The thread was fine until you showed up and started saying you knew what was best for me, against what I've known about myself for 30 years. The moment I disagree with someone like you, everyone else jumps in line with you disputing it as it's clear as day, without bothering to take a moment to look into what my actual life is. I enjoy the fact that everyone assumes they know someone and jumps to conclusions based on other cases, like everyone identical, and one size fits all to everyone's problem. It's a real mystery why I spent 20 years of my life fending off doctors and medications to "resolve my issues", when the solution was as simple and natural as just simply having someone in my life. The idea that I can't be happy with others until i'm happy with myself is backwards. Just because it is other people doesn't make it different than any other fullfillment that can be provided in the world. It's like saying a writer can't be happy writing until they can be happy not writing. Logical fallacy. I am a lifelong disabled, trapped with an illness that seperates me apart from life and many other things. I Am only happy when others speak to me and fill that void. That is the ONLY thing I want and care about, and it again is the ONLY thing that keeps me at ease. You can't just strip away every relief someone finds. It's like you're telling me to live a life and misery, and telling everyone around you to enforce that. That is extremely damning. And how can both of you dismiss the truth that I"ve learned the hard way for 30 years? Hm? What makes my experience different than hers? Are you saying mine is fake? it's an illusion? Under what basis? That I must be the same as you or her? You're also missing a very important point, and that is that giving up people is giving up living and existing for me. You can disagree with that all you wish, but until you've lived in my shoes, all you can do is assume. I'd rather just simply not exist than to not have anyone around me. The weight and pain not having others around me is fatally crushing. It feels like I'm being crushed under thousands of pounds of stone. I can barely breathe, i can barely think, and I want nothing more than to cease being. That isn't really a choice. It's called deprivation on a level you've obviously not experienced yourself. I have spent 15 years dismissing my own needs for the needs of others. When I saw depressed people, i spoke to them, i helped them. I've pulled several people out of suicide and helped them get straight in their lives, and never demanded anything in return, and the only thing i got in return was the satisfaction that someone was being helped, simply because I feel like i'm the only person in the world that would be willing to help them. Currently I am a volunteer community manager for a company that has had difficulty keeping in contact with it's community. I spend my time giving tech support and answering questions to people where the company staff failed to do so. I protect people from abuse and organize things to better aid others in getting what they need. In the last 2 years alone i have had hundreds of people thank me for doing what I was doing with them, and again, the only satisfaction I ever got from it was just simply being able to help people. The surface part of me just wanted to help people in need, while the deeper part of me believed that doing this would help me get the interaction I needed with people, but this wasn't working. It is similar to what durandel was saying about someone having lots of people around them but still feeling lonely, but this is also very different. Because rather than people seeing me as a human being, and going a step further in wishing to be a friend with me, they just thanked me and moved on, forgetting that I existed. This was also only online, as it's the only means I have of doing anything like this. So yes, yes I very well have done things for other people, and have never turned around demanding they reward me, and I certainly am not part of the problem.. The problem is that regardless of how much I do for people, regardless of how much they appreciate me in a short term through words, Not a Single Person sticks around for more. They take what i give them and then move on. Again I say. People are the only thing that actually makes me happy, and i do not need to be happy with myself alone to be happy around them. Time and time again has proved that throughout my life. Simply interacting and being around people is the only way to bring me out of these states of depression, frustration, sorrow and agony. So don't even attempt to take away the only thing that soothes my pain. How is it working out for me? It's not. It does when people give two craps about other people, but society is so plagued by people who preach not to be there for others that it makes it far more difficult, because people are unwilling to simply connect, connecting being a very foundational natural thing for humans. So no, it isn't "working out" or i'd not be here now posting this. But your solution is going to make me far worse off than how things are now. I'll say it one more time. Telling me to not focus on other people is telling me to cease existing. That i'm not wanted in this life, and i'm foolish for even thinking that people have the ability to care for other's existence. The ONLY thing that has kept me going for this long is other people. Starving my psyche and needs to death aren't a solution. It's giving up and removing me from everything.
  9. I'm sorry, but these latest replies have put me off, almost making me regret posting here. I get the whole "You don't need other people" thing, but that being thrown on me everytime I speak the need for people is both old, and full of assumptuous nonsense. I grew up with a dissociation and detachment issue, and people are my ONLY thread to keeping me in tune with existence. Without them, i fade away to nothing. It isn't just about choice, or an illusion, or thinking I need people when I don't, and nothing irritates me more when people assume I fit the same profile as every other lonely person out there. I can NOT function or be conscious without the presence of others. I have run this same experimental fallacy time and time again, and what happens when I dismiss the need for people in my life, is that I end up in a very dark place where I either can barely lift my own eyelids, or I just want everyone to die.. That doesn't fly for me. And what's even more upsetting is the amount of preaching that people should think only for themselves, as this is one of the major reasons people are so lonely, because everyone is only thinking about themselves rather than other people. That leads to selfishness, which leads to violence, crime, and neglect. What a terrible society this has become. Thankyou to the first few people who responded, but I doubt i'll be responding any further.
  10. Not alone in sharing the feeling that I do, I'm sure. But alone in the sense that no one around, is what I am. What you've written here is the struggle that wreaks havoc on my mind. It would be easy to just drop it all and give up - just accept, go insane, do something stupid... But I'm trapped in that not being me. No matter how frustrated, angry, or depressed I get, I remain stagnant in actions. I can't release any of it, and I have no one to sooth me. It's an agony that I can't describe.. Like being immortal, then sealed in cement, and flung into space to drift silent for eternity. Not able to see anything, not able to interact with anything, and most importantly not able to do anything about it - neither positive nor negative. I just simply am. I can't get out of it. I want nothing more than to just find that someone who is willing to put out the slightest bit of effort towards me, but that's something I don't have, and being afraid I never will - that i'll just have to continue this agony for the rest of my life is just as painful as living it. That reality frightens me. I want so much to just walk outside one day, be hit by a car, or some other incident that ends my life. I realize that giving up denies possibilities, and that's also another pain I face constantly. Not able to just let go, because as you say. It doesn't give me anything I need. Regardless of how much I want to be done with it all, and just accept it, I can't. My life is empty, is going nowhere, and I will end up homeless when my parents are no longer able to support me. I just want to laugh, play, and enjoy life with SOMEONE.. That's existing to me. This presently isn't existing. I am 30 years old now and the only time I actually lived was when i was a child. These years I don't live, and I don't exist. The only existence i've had in 20 years was my teenage years where my life was about fighting with doctors and people accusing me of not trying. Stuffing medications down my throat as a solution to isolation, when all it took was for me to have a few good friends, and maybe that lover. Two things that life time and time again tells me in my face that are forbidden to me.
  11. Do something stupid, bringing an end to it all. I can't stand this. The weight of depression and truely legitimately being alone in the world. It's like people are just fabrications of some computer programming and don't actually exist. No matter how much effort you put into it, the moment you step out of someone's direct line of sight, exactly where they are looking, you cease to exist completely. I feel like any type of connections or care in the world are just false lies or illusions that don't exist. It honestly truely does not matter to anyone what you do or who you are. You don't exist. Period. All I ever wanted in life was that one person to think about me when i'm not around. That one person who wonder how I'm doing, and if i'm feeling alright. That one person to take a look back and when they notice i've tripped in the hallway to actually go back and see if i'm alright. Just that one person to make me feel like this world actually has something worth living for. Despite how much I want to believe it's not true, life just shows me again and again that people are all trapped in subjective realities. No one authentically cares beyond that. If you aren't already a part of their lives, you never will be. What a dispicable species. Why I spent 30 years of my life trapped in my own delusion that people actually gave a care is beyond me. All I've done for the past week is lie around in bed or sit in this chair wondering why i'm still bothering to try to exist. Why i'm even writing here, why I EVER try to reach out at all, and get nothing in return. Everytime I cry, it's just a few words here or there from some people, then I cease to exist once again. A pointless endless cycle that gets nowhere where no progress of any level is ever being made. I guess I was the odd one out ever making any effort to caring about other people.
  12. I know it's simply due to my personal experience, and that really is where the frustration lies. Because I know that's not how it is. Everyone is individualized, and generalizing people into divisions like this is something I never wish to do. But the building frustration of the same experience over and over is difficult to ignore... This last week has been havoc to me. That seems to be a common theme in my life, but a few days ago it was so bad that i couldn't even just lie in bed flat. It was like sharp non-physical strains were all over inside me to the point I couldn't even think straight... And most of all of this is a growing pain I have due to the isolation. I'm not trapped on an island away from people, but the effects are similar, but even worse, because people are all around me. People all around me associating with other people, while I sit silently by myself. How does that even happen? I feel like i'm starting to become an awful person, because rather than the way i used to be, which was just being a ray of light for everyone i came across, helping them when i can, I feel like i spend all my time in frustration and hate towards everything. I'm becoming corrupted, and I really don't know what to do about it. I would rather die than become something destructive, and i'm starting to feel that that really will be the only way to prevent it. There is too much frustration building up, fueled by the agony i'm feeling... The fact that the moment i display any sort of concern, It's assumed that i've always just been an awful and repulsive person doesn't help (online other places, not here, but including the okcupid forums) I need serious help, and it's not going to come from a councelor or medications, especially when the help is as simple as someone just giving me a chance for once. Because there's no other way i'm getting out of this pit.
  13. A touchy subject, and I don't know how to approach this without offending anyone. It isn't my intention, but it's been driving me insane for the past couple days and I really don't have anyone to talk to about it. I just need to vent.. I admire people dearly, but the older i get, and the more i go through, the more i feel like woman are much less complex than they say. They honestly at times feel like they have very single track minds, and are closed off to anything outside them. They aren't very open minded, and cater to their own interests and goals, and will not step out of their own zone for anyone. Again.. this is the way it feels sometimes, which contradicts the way I want to feel about them. I'm 30 now. I've been on okcupid for nearing 8 years, and all my time there i've found that the only time a girl will respond is if they PM me first. Don't even bother pming them, because if they don't initially have any interest in you, they aren't going to let you in. period. They will not even respond. You'll go completely ignored. I see this online everywhere. You try to speak to a girl, and their response is just "?" Then if they do respond a bit more, there is this obvious wall they show. Giving you half responses, then going about their other business, until ultimately your contact just breaks from them. I don't honestly know that is the same in real life. I couldn't say one way or the other. I've never had the opportunity to even interact with any irl, as they are always busy with other things, me being completely ignored altogether. But I do hear too often about abusive relationships, and how it's the woman that is the one being abused. While this used to make me hate guys, i've started to feel like I understand why now. Because a girl is only accepting of a guy who comes off as too good to be true the first time they see him. They aren't willing to work with any other to get to a foundational point. Since abusers are great at luring people in, it makes sense to me why they always end up with guys like that. Because rather than being open to spend the time to actually get to know a guy, they leap only onto the ones who deliver exactly what they want right off the bat (in words mind you), which is most often in the form of a mask. And, since they don't want to adjust how they feel about a guy from their initial assumption, a guy can abuse them continuously, and they won't break up with the guy. Because for some reason they are still convinced that he's perfect. If woman would actually give a guy a chance, by instead of just straight up blocking them out, getting to know them, and learning whether they are interested or not through interaction, it's far more likely they'll find themselves with a better guy than they would just leaping onto all those golden promises. You will never know who you're passing up unless you give them a chance. "Don't judge a book by it's cover" doesn't feel like it applies in women's thought processes. No, i feel like people have much more depth than that. I refuse to believe it's simply a numbers game where the women toss a number they don't like, without attempting to explore what the outcome could be. But that is what life seems to be telling me through experience, and it is driving a frustration in my mind that I just don't know how to handle. I don't want to hear dating advice. Dating advice is a mask used to lure people in with unnatural colors, which is precisely why abusive relationships happen. Women simply need to stop assuming they know everything about a guy before he has a chance to even interact with them. That includes both jumping right into an abusive relationship with a specific guy because his initial words were "I can give you everything you want and more", as well as completely brushing off guys who could have potentially given you everything you actually needed. You aren't helping anyone, and making it far too easy for guys who want to use you, rather than guys who want to actually be a part of you. Because guys are legitimate are not going to initially glow with radiant gold. If they glowed like that, and were legitimate, it's far more likely they are already taken. Do the world a favor and actually get to know people before declaring them either perfect, or a failure. It'll help everyone.
  14. So.. I'd like to start by saying that I'm transgender. But my transgender case is a bit unique, or atleast not that common. That is, I was born physically male with a female mind, but instead of that messing with my sexual interests, or even driving me into identification clarification/fixes, both physically and identity-wise, I've left it as is... I'm trapped as two different people instead, one being my physical form which is male in basically every regards. I'm sexually attracted towards women, and could only ever see myself being in a relationship with a girl... However, mentally i'm the opposite.. I posses a female personality and mind, that is attracted by male behaviors, and have even gone so far as to virtually engage sexually with other guys. (they were aware of my gender issues, i was not taking advantage of them, and i could best describe it as a soul-sex type thing....). I've found that i've only actually ever been loved and cared for by guys, online, which is very heartwarming and comforting in itself, but every time the irl nature of things come into my view, it's offputting and interfering.. I feel like i'll only ever be mentally happy with a guy who sees me as a girl, but my physical reality is on conflict with that... It's like as soon as i recognize the material world, I want nothing to do with that kind of connection with a guy, and i'd only ever be happy with a girl... I honestly do wish i was simply born a girl, as i feel like my physical natures would be aligned with my psyche. But as things are, they simply are not... Going on HRT, or having a sex change isn't likely to change that. I'll always be attracted physically to girls, and i also recognize my age is a bit too late for that anyway... I'm extremely caught up on aesthetics, and the thought of me not being an attractive individual scares me. I know i shouldn't care what others think, of course not, and i preach that to others myself. but i also realize that everything about me is internal, and changing physically isn't going to change that. So whether i stay male, or even went with hrt/operations, it wouldn't matter. It feels like the latter would just be bringing about more issues than i have now..... People have been utmost supportive about all this to me in all the time i've let it be known to people, which i sincerely recognize as a blessing, as most people do not have that same result... If i wanted to undergo changes, i'd have support from everyone i know, which is comforting.. But it doesn't change the fact that I'm still heavily sexually attracted to girls physically... I had for a time realized that the only way to ever find a relationship with someone that would work out, would be a pansexual female. That girl that could view me as that female psyche, while still being compatible physically.. Strangely i've had no such luck, as if they don't even exist... I'm not actually entirely sure what i'm posting for. I'm not sure if i'm asking for suggestions, or what, to be honest.. I don't know... maybe i'm curious if anyone out there is similar in nature to me, and if they've found anything that actually satisfies their needs.
  15. Being chained by this kind of collar for your entire life is never going to allow you to be happy. I admire my family, and i live in a very caring and open minded environment. It's the only blessing i have, and it's unfortunate not many people can share that blessing.. But even though they are your parents, if they are destroying your life, and it's become obvious you are happy without them, then it's time to take off that collar and lock them out. They should not be controlling your life, and if they can't accept that you should be free, then they have no right to be in your life. They do not own it. What they are doing is extremely unhealthy for you both physically and mentally. I'd say confront them one last time, and inform them that it's time for them to make a decision. Allow you to be free to make your own decisions, or step out of your life for good. If they call you and start giving you issues, you hang up. If they continue to call you block them or get the authorities involved. They have no right to interfere with your life, parents or not.
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